5. Daniela

FIVE

Daniela

I stand in the bathroom staring at my features to see if my lie is believable as I wait for Val to pick me up

"It was nice, my parents had to leave early in the morning, so we just stayed home."

My smile looks as fake as the story I'm perfecting. Four years they've forgotten, it's petty and immature considering the literal life and death situation, but my parents haven't remembered my birthday in four years. Carly only remembered because Tali asked her to get me out of school, but she didn't remember the actual day. I didn't have time to wallow with him taking my mind off it last night, now I do.

I'm the youngest member of my family, the person who always sends messages and gets them gifts, but they can't remember I exist. I wasn't even a thought when they were born but the dates are forever imprinted into my memory. Considering all three members of my family were alive when I was born they should remember.

Val's message comes through, and I blow out a breath to steady myself. He's cruel with everyone other than me, the person he was last night doesn't match the same one who's waiting for me. I do a final check before leaving and push the memory of the asshole version of Valentin away. My usual wardrobe has changed with me not touching any paint today and it's like my armor has been stripped away. I can't hide behind creativity and I have to be me.

There's no one home and I don't bother telling Carly where I'm going, she won't check on me especially since Val beat the shit out of her boyfriend and she decided to take her bad mood out on me. She always has to hang around losers, people who only want to use her and she can use back. If she isn't the center of everyone's universe she'll discard them and find another galaxy to take over.

Val does a double take as I get into the car, and I pause with the seatbelt in my hand as I look down to make sure I haven't missed something, then point over my shoulder, dumbly offering, "Should I change? Just the ticket said there's a dress code."

It said smart dress only. He clearly read the ticket because he's in a shirt instead of his usual jeans and t-shirt. The outfit I'd planned for my birthday meal has a use and it's not even anything special. A normal cream skirt with a knit but now I'm questioning everything.If he tries to set them on fire I'll scream. Part of me doesn't think he's capable of it, a very stupid and na?ve part, but it exists, and he gives it more life as he smiles.

There's mischief in it as his hand comes up to cup my cheek, he strokes across my bottom lip and inspects his thumb. Whatever he sees there has his smile widening and he relaxes.

"You don't need to change."

Dropping his hand to my knee, he makes circles on my skin as he drives towards our favorite pizza place. It's our secret hiding spot when we don't want Tali to steal our food.

Parking at the back, he puts our order in and turns to me while I repeat my lie, mentally readying to spit it out.

"How's your mom doing?" he asks.

I'm too focused on my rehearsed answer that it doesn't make sense with his question, and I go blank as I try to find an answer. I don't have enough time to make up a lie and too much honesty leaves me.

"I don't really know, she's always tired but Dad said she's got more energy in the morning. "

That was his last message weeks ago.

Val's pity is the worst thing to exist. It's unnatural and he brushes my hair off my shoulder as he leans closer to me, searching my eyes. There's barely any space between us when I jump back at the knock against his window. His jaw tenses and he moves away without letting go of my face. The waiter passes the box through the window and stops Val from diving any further into my weird family dynamic. Setting the box on the center console, he pushes his seat back at the same time I do.

He doesn't even blink seeing the mushrooms polluting the cheesy goodness and takes two straws, using them like chopsticks, to remove them without touching my half. If I see someone touch my food with their hands I can't eat it. Val doesn't give me any shit as he picks the disgusting toppings off.He does something worse and focuses on my wording.

"I thought you were with your family yesterday? You always spend your birthday with them."

His eyes narrow and I look away knowing I'm caught.

Authority fills his voice, making him sound older as he asks, "Where were you Dani?"

I lie as though my life depends on it.

"I was tired and fell asleep."

It's only an omission, but it twists my gut at the thought of him knowing I saw what he did. It's stupid when I'm not afraid of Val, I just like this version of him, and I'm foolish enough to let him convince me that it's the only version to exist while ignoring the literal proof in my own memory.

Rough calloused fingers stroke across my jaw and he turns my head to face him with more gentleness than I thought he'd be capable of possessing. The quality travels through his hands into his voice as he softly taps the pad of his thumb against my bottom lip.

"Never lie to me, Dani mine."

There's a threat in his eye and I need him to voice it, to let the cruelty out so I know there's a chance of it being used against me.

"Or what?"

But he doesn't react with anything other than a smile as he stares so deeply into my eyes I can feel myself sway, wanting to fall into him. His icy eyes are brighter, less cold and resentful, and more cleansing as he continues tracing my bottom lip.

"Or we both won't like what I'll have to do. Eat your food baby, it'll get cold," he says.

He just called me baby . And my brain has shut down, incapable of processing it as he picks up a slice and brings it to my lips.

The attentiveness is new as Valentin remains at my side while we walk into the large hall. I love art and I come to this exhibit every year since Vlad first gifted me a ticket to it. I've never had anyone walk around it with me before and Val tries to hide his boredom. The large, marbled space echoes our footsteps as the other attendees talk amongst themselves, but he's looking at me when I turn around to offer him an escape.

"Do you want to go? I've already seen these before."

Warmth covers my lower back as he steps closer to me and places his hand on my back, his lips brushing my ear with every word he says. "Seeing them online is different to in person, Dani mine."

The butterflies multiply hearing him say "mine". My voice comes out squeaky and weird as I avoid his bright eyes and pause in the middle of the room.

"I get the same gift, $100 for every year of my age and tickets to this exhibit."

He can't hide his relief as it's breathed into my hair, his lips brush the strands and my temple in a ghost of kiss without any real pressure. I don't know what he's doing or why. He keeps touching me, nothing indecent or screaming out that he has to, but light touches even when we were walking side by side and he purposefully made sure his knuckles brushed the back of my hand.

An older couple are looking at the statue behind us and Val steps into me as he moves us out of their path. The gentleman is new, and he attempts to hide how much he doesn't want to be here.

"We can still go round it if you want, I have a few hours before we have to go. "

I know he has a fight tonight and I'd rather spend time with him away from the old people surrounding us having their pretentious conversations.I don't avoid him, I smile up at him like an idiot and my heart races as I say, "We can go. Tali wouldn't even walk in here with me, so you've done better than him."

The edges of his features harden, and he holds his tongue by clenching his jaw hard enough that it protrudes from his skin.

He's done better than I expected, and the final showcase isn't one I'm interested in. He doesn't take his hand away, it's nice and warm soaking through my clothes and into my skin, as we walk towards the exit. I don't know what his issue is, but it doesn't leave, and he curls his arm around my hip as we step onto the sidewalk. I'm glad he's forcing me to walk because my brain has shut down yet again and I look down through the corner of my eyes seeing the edges of his fingers wrapped around my hip. It's not loose, or so hard that it's painful.

Val sticks himself to my side and walks me towards the side of the building rather than the car. His hand slips off my hip and he smoothly threads his finger between mine before he pulls me to stand in front of him. His hand is hot in mine, actual heat that is melting my hand as he cups my face and shields me from being seen by anyone else.The hard edges are darker as he stares into my soul and tempers his voice.

"Is that what I am to you?"

His question doesn't make sense, or I've officially become a puddle because his thumb is gently stroking my cheek. He doesn't stop the soothing motion as he moves down to my lips and his eyes follow it.

"Am I just a replacement for Tali?"

He flicks back up to me and there's a brief flash of vulnerability weighing down his eyes until he blinks it away and wraps his arm around my back. My fingers are still held between his and they move with him as my other arm hangs limply at my side.

I try to clear my throat of any croak, but my voice is awful and weak.

"No."

Oh fuck, I think my hand is sweating. He can probably feel how nasty it is, but he smiles and takes half a step closer forcing me to walk backwards. Looking between my eyes, he transfers the nerves to me, and my heart is beating too fast. It's like the rollercoaster, fear of falling and hope for the thrill to take over as he continues walking me backwards .

A soft gasp leaves my lips as my shoulders touch something hard. He smooths his hand around my cheek to hold the back of my head and leans into me. Our noses are nearly touching, and I flatten my palm against the brick to remain on this planet as he whispers against my lips, "Good."

I nod, or I think I do, all I know is that it's dizzying being under his gaze. It gets worse as his smile widens and his nose brushes mine, showing how slowly he's inching forward as he demands, "Ask me who you are to me, Dani."

His voice is deeper, causing goosebumps to rise on my skin as I squeeze his hand. I'm cutting off both of our blood circulation and I don't breathe as I repeat, "Who am I to you?"

I can't even hear my own voice over how loudly my heart is beating. But Val hears, and he takes a deep breath, forcing our chests to brush against each other. His lips slowly part as he moves closer.

"Ev—"

My phone rings with Carly's ringtone and dread takes over, cutting off whatever was going to be said. She never rings me, at most I'll get a message, or a random note left near the door. My heart drops at the silence in the background as I answer on the first ring. It plummets further at her serious tone.

"You need to come home."

My hand trembles holding my phone to my ear, and I can't move it when the call ends. I'm nodding like she can see me and there's only silence wrapping around me.

My sister is always accompanied by noise. Whether it's a party or her friends, she does not sit in silence, and she doesn't know how to be serious. Everything blurs and I blink, trying to see clearly as Valentin strokes my cheek. He already knows without me saying a word and pulls me into his chest speaking so softly I'm not sure how it manages to reach my clouded senses.

"Let's get you home."

My tears fall as I nod because I'm not capable of doing anything else.

I'm mourning someone I didn't know. Or the opportunity to never be able to. I can't even be angry at being ignored because it wasn't my mother, she never had the chance to be who she really was with me. She was always sick, and it didn't just take her away from the world, it robbed me of any parents while they were both still alive.She's dead, and a really horrible, twisted part of me fills with hope at the thought of at least having one parent now that my dad will be able to come home.

I'm going to hell.

My tears change their reason with that thought. I'm fucked up, it should never have been thought, never mind inspire hope. It shakes my chest and the world tilts as I become weightless.

Val picks me up and cradles me to his chest as I continue crying over someone I didn't know. I think this is grieving, I shouldn't be. I didn't really know my mom. I haven't seen her in three years, the only memories I have exist in photographs where I'm not present.But a blackhole forms in my chest and everything external is a void. I'm not reliving memories; I'm playing out different scenarios I thought we'd have in the future.

There's no sound as everything drowns. It's not a physical drowning, but my senses are weighted and murky as Val sits me in the car. His lips are moving, and I stare through him. I'm reacting wrong, I should feel something. The tears aren't even fueled by emotion, they just run down my cheeks with no purpose or reasoning.

I don't remember him starting the car or driving as we pull up to my house. Carly is already waiting and I sob seeing her tears. We're not close but I know it's real — that we're orphans — and I run to her for the first time in my life. The fact she hit me and screamed in my face is written out of my memory because she is the only person who might possibly know how I feel right now. She becomes a different person and wraps her arms around me before she guides me inside.

Everything is duller, less life, despite our parents never being home. I blink and manage to clear my vision long enough to see the TV is smashed. The paperweight that was on the coffee table is shattered on the floor showing what she used, yet she's gentle as she sits beside me on the sofa, refusing to let me go.

The fact she isn't ignoring me or being a bitch is making me sob harder and my throat burns. It robs me of energy as she strokes my hair back and just holds me. Her grief is muted when she has more claim of our mother than I do. I didn't have her, I'm accustomed to being alone, but my sister did. She had years of happy memories, now she's consoling me . She rests her cheek on my hair and crushes my entire world as she softly says, "I'm going to fly out tonight to identify their bodies, but you don't have to come with me."

Bodies.

Plural.

Only Mom was sick, the doctors would have been there.

I pull away from her and just stare. She curses under her breath and asks, "You didn't see the news?"

Shaking my head, she pulls her phone out and loads whatever clip is needed before putting it into my hand. The anchorwoman has a calming voice recounting my tragedy.

"Two bodies were pulled from a car that went over Wisteria Bridge last night, they're believed to be business tycoon Lucas Carvalho and his wife, Bianca."

I restart it from the beginning, and I don't listen to the words as I watch the footage. I know the cars we have. I've sketched every single one we own when I needed reference images. And there on the screen is the only one missing from the garage, Mom's favorite car that they always take because Dad wants, wanted, her to be comfortable.

Carly runs off and makes it to the bathroom in time to be sick but I'm numb. It can't be real. Dad was always careful when he was driving, he'd never speed or take corners too fast. That bridge leads to our property they were staying in, he could drive over it a hundred times and be safe. There's no bend, no possible way for him to lose control.

Death is paperwork, it hasn't even been twenty-four hours and I've had enough pieces of paper to fill a forest move across me. None of it is pushed in front of me, but it has my name on due to me being a minor. It's clerical, as though I'm not a person and just an object to be passed off onto someone else.

Carly is fucked up with her grief and hasn't let go of my hand. I don't know if it's for me or to comfort herself, but I don't stop her. She can't have slept after she flew out to identify the bodies. Such a weird thing to call my parents, they're not rich and admired, they're bodies. They're not Mr. and Mrs. Carvalho, they are bodies. They're not here, so they're bodies .

Mr. Johnson slides a flash drive towards us and gives us the same sad smiles we've gotten from everyone we've come into contact with.

"Watch it when you feel ready. I'm sorry for your loss."

That phrase is stupid as fuck. No one apologizes when you lose a possession. And loss implies it can be found. You can't find dead people, they're dead so you'll always know where they are. My parents will be closer to me in death than they were during their life, I'll actually know where they are now. I'm sick, mentally there's something wrong with me and the urge to laugh builds in my throat, choking me.

My phone buzzes in my pocket, Tali and Val trying to get my attention again when I've been ignoring them. I don't know what I'm supposed to do and stare straight ahead. The guilt over not mourning correctly forces tears out, but they're evidence of my selfishness. My parents have always been ghosts, these figures that I know are there but rarely see. A phantom of care. But now there's no hope for it to change. I can't tell myself they'll be better. That I'll wake up one day and not have to lie. The lie is just getting deeper. I'll listen to everyone say how much they loved their children and nod in the right places without ever having felt that love.

Taking the flash drive before Carly can, I rip my hand out of hers and go to my room. Whatever is on it must be important, open when dead important. Maybe it's proof that they cared.

Or some conceited instruction on which press to allow at the viewing .

I'm not a bitter and resentful person, but it's taking over me, and I can't get the voice in my head to shut the fuck up. Carly's tear filled whisper floats behind me as I take the steps two at a time.

"What the fuck are we going to do?"

She's talking to herself. I'm no help to her when she's spent all day throwing up after seeing their bodies.

I'm conscious enough not to allow my bedroom door to slam and I sit beside my bed on my knees as I load the files. There's only one item saved without a name. The autosave has kept the time and date showing it was three hours before their car went over the bridge. My fingers shake as I press play while something inside of me dies knowing this is going to ruin me forever.

Will they be happy? Were they recording something meaningful? Or is the toxic voice in my head right ?

Mom and Dad both sit in the chair by the window, she's smiling but there are tears in her eyes and Dads voice is strong.

"You've both made us very proud, filhinha 1 . I'm sorry we couldn't do the same for you, this is our way of trying to fix it and keeping your lives intact as much as possible."

One sentence, without my name being mentioned, is all I get before he recounts his instructions for Carly.

"Carly you'll have to be strong. The accounts will all go under your name like the house. Remember what we spoke about? The house is yours, no one can take it, show them the contracts if they try. Okay, filhinha?"

One sentence is all I get from the selfish bastards who got themselves in debt and decided death was better than living. Better than being parents. Fuck them both, they planned this. Chose the day and sat down to record a fucking message expressing their fucking love for their children. My entire body freezes and I fall back laughing in realization. Staring up at the ceiling, my laugh wraps around my speech and tears.

"Happy fucking birthday to me, what a great present Dani. You're an orphan."

The guilt that was weighing me down disappears. They don't deserve it. I'm numb. I'm forgettable. I'm nothing and hearing that dick give instructions without once mentioning me proves it. I am nothing, was nothing to the people who brought me into this world. They decided to die together and leave me alone over paper, a made up number that made them feel important. On the exact day that normal families would celebrate their child being born, parents reminisce about their baby, mine decided death was better.

1 ? Little girl, little daughter

Endearment