12. Valentin

TWELVE

Valentin

Q uiet is a concept I don't understand anymore. My son is four months old, and he hates me. I know he does because he knows this is the first time we're alone all night and he's decided to make it the most difficult moment of my life as he screams. He still scares the shit out of me, and his face is turning red as he continues crying. At least I know how to hold him now and I try to rest him on my shoulder. He usually calms down once he's there, but his crying has taken hold of him, and he slams his face into my cheek.

I wince and cup his head to soothe any ache. My cheek has a dull thud pulsing underneath it so he must be hurt. I walk in circles like I've seen Vlad do when he looks after him at night.

"It's okay, little man. I know I'm doing a really shit job, but I don't know why you're crying." He doesn't stop and I beg for a miracle. "Can you be one of them genius babies that knows how to talk? I won't even tell anyone as long as I know what you want."

Still crying .

Fuck! I'm messing him up and I'm still freaked out about having a kid. I'll never get used to it, even when he's fifty. Oh fuck, I won't even be seventy years old when he's an old man.

"Do you want me to cry with you? So, you're not doing it on your own? I kinda feel like I'm going to even if you don't want me to."

His eyes are huge, and he loses energy to scream but the tears are still there, streaming down his face. The silent tears are worse, they're killing me, and I'm dizzy from pacing, so I lower into the armchair and rub his back.

I'm going crazy and talk to him like he's an adult.

"You haven't pissed or shit, and you're not hungry. Are you just sad? Scared? I'm shit scared too."

He blinks up at me as I reposition him to lay in my arms. I use the back of my finger to wipe his tears away and he wraps his small fingers around mine to pull my hand closer to his mouth. His gums and spit slip against my palm while he tries to bite me. Yeah, he's pissed at me, so I offer him a solution.

"Hey, do you want to piss on me again? Aim for my hand and don't tell anyone."

He keeps trying to bite me and I pick up his abandoned bottle from the warmer. He grabs it straight away and bites into the plastic teat, attempting to rip it out of my hand. He's strong as fuck and the milk is stopped from leaving from the force of his gums clamping down.

"I don't think you can have real food yet, little man. You don't need to chew right now."

He shakes his head, continuing to chew on it rather than drink.

I'm fucking up and there's something wrong. I know there is and this kid, my kid, is definitely going to kill me one day because as soon as he starts crying again my vision blurs. Dropping the bottle so I have both hands free, I lift him to my shoulder and start pacing.

"Come on, I don't know why you're crying. Is it because you miss Vlad?"

He always sits with him, and I literally run with the idea as I leave the room. I don't use the stairs and walk in circles while I wait for the elevator. I don't stop when we get in and Viktor's cries echo around the box of torment until we reach Vlad's floor.

"Shh it's okay, look I'm taking you to him now."

The hallway is blurry as I step out and walk in the direction of Vlad's office. Tears build, increasing the pressure in my skull as the cries shake through me. I hate his tears and pain. I haven't had a long life, but I've never experienced this gut wrenching agony at the sight of tears. I love them, I work with them as my goal with everyone else, but my heart is going to fucking explode with every cry.

There's barely any force behind my fist as I knock on the door, begging with my voice cracking. "Vlad? I'm fucking up."

It opens straight away, and my brother stands there, towering over me as I fight my emotions. I can't even process the fact he isn't wearing a suit and that he owns sweats as I lose the battle with my emotions and blurt out, "He hates me, and I hate me too because I can't get him to stop."

My lashes stick together from my tears, and he lifts Viktor out of my arms to place him on his shoulder. I'm pulled into the other side, and he consoles us both while walking out of the room. "He doesn't hate you."

I'm exhausted and shake my head as he forces me to move. We don't go into the lounge on his floor, he guides us into the bathroom, and I weakly prove I'm not that much of an idiot.

"He has a clean diaper, I've already checked."

Vlad nods and doesn't have his usual brutality. "I know, wash your hands. Do it a few times and make sure they're dry."

I do it and scrub my hands four times before drying them on the hand towel.

"Now come here."

I'm like a robot, following the command and I'm sure my kid isn't growing. He's still tiny and he's too innocent against Vlad's inked pinky as he pulls his bottom lip down.

He looks at me. Both of them do. Viktor still has tears in his eyes as he tries to bite Vlad's finger.

"He's just teething," he says softly, "use your little finger and you'll be able to feel his teeth pushing through his gums."

I don't know why I do it, but I do. Viktor bites straight away and he stops crying. My voice comes out haunted as I make sure there's no pressure from my finger.

"It's freaky as fuck. "

My head snaps up at my idiot brother's choice of words as he says, "Yeah but it's hurting him."

"So, get it to fucking stop. I'll buy him fake teeth, or he can get them later."

He doesn't even need teeth right now. It's stupid as fuck. Vlad laughs and I can't be pissed because the movement makes Viktor smile. He's looking at me though and I pull a face, forcing my cheeks to puff out, as humor wraps around Vlad's words.

"It doesn't work like that. He's going through pain now and you'll remember it, but he won't."

Viktor's dark lashes flutter and I stroke the top of his hair with my finger. His hair is darker than mine, it's softer too like feathers.

I'm a fuck up, but I have the cutest kid.

A rough hand lands on my shoulder and I look up to see gentleness on my brothers features as he softly says, "Welcome to being a father, every little pain is something you'll feel but then your baby will smile at you and it disappears." His voice drops to a whisper as he stares at my son. "Don't take it for granted."

He gestures for us to leave the bathroom and I don't move my finger as I slowly walk backwards. I keep walking backwards until we get to the lounge, and I don't take Viktor from Vlad. I'm tired yet I can't sleep as I watch him. There's a voice in the back of my head telling me to run, it hasn't left since we brought him home but Vlad sits beside me and positions Viktor so I can see his face.

I revert into a child, complaining to my brother about everything as I continue watching my kid.

"I'm shit at this, and I can't sleep because I don't know if he'll be okay. Like what if he needs something and I'm not there?" My breathing escalates and I can't stop it. "Or what if he cries and I don't wake up. I'm tired and I can't put him down because it's just me. It's never just me for anything, I fuck things up and I hurt people. He can't sleep in my bed because I'll probably squash him. He's so small and everything is bigger than him, anything can hurt him."

He holds the back of my head and sighs, putting a pause on my breakdown. "You're not a fuck up and you don't hurt everyone."

That's bullshit, we both know it is, so I ask a different question, hoping it's easier for him to tell the truth.

"Did it get easier for you?"

There's no answer and he freezes before audibly gulping. I look up to blankness and add, "When you were looking after me and Tali, did it get easier when we could talk? You're not afraid of anything so two kids was probably a piece of piss for you."

He smiles but it's off and his eyes are desolate.

"Yeah, two kid were easy. The talking thing wasn't because you started having your tantrums and you've never stopped."

Even the comment is odd, it's missing his usual mix of sarcastic rage.

I continue spilling every secret without the energy to keep them back as I lean into the cushions.

"I know you're going to be pissed but I'm scared. No, that's a lie, I'm fucking terrified."

My eyelids get heavier, and my chin touches my chest forcing my eyes to snap open at the low question.

"Of what?"

Viktor is still asleep and my head rolls back against the sofa edge so I can continue watching him breathing. Emotion fills my voice, weaving through the cracks that have formed from lack of sleep.

"I'm like Len, I like hurting people, what if I do it to him? He's small, so fucking small, tiny, and I don't want to hurt him, but I know what I'm like."

My eyes close as he whispers, "Do you know when you were Viktor's age you kept crying in the middle of the night. You weren't teething but you just wouldn't stop crying, it's when your tantrums first started. You know what that fucker did?"

I shrug and say the only thing I can think of, "Tell me to stop being weak?"

The whisper is harsher, but I don't open my eyes. "No. He tried to put you outside because he wanted to sleep. You didn't let go of your baby, you'll never be him and I'll find people for you to hurt if it becomes too much, okay?"

"I'm so tired."

"Go to sleep I'll watch you both," he offers easily.

"I don't want him to hate me, he's all I have left of her. She'll come back to me, and we'll be a family."

"Do you love her? "

"I always have since the first time I saw her. I've never been able to get her out of my head. She's beautiful and kind. So kind and good that I need to have it all because I'm not."

"Are you sure? You're not the same age so it can fuck with your head."

"No, I've always loved her. I used to watch her whenever I could. Whenever Dani needed some art shit, I'd get it so I could go to her house and just see her. I miss her, even just watching her and she'd never know I was there."

"I know where she's staying, go and see Carly in the morning, and I'll pay for her to get clean."

"I don't want her," I mumble and shake my head as sleep grips me.