4

4

KADE

FLASHBACK

Leaving Stacey in my bed this morning is a struggle, but when I kiss her forehead and untangle her limbs from mine, I know it’s going to be worth it. She’s wearing a hockey top my dad sent over from America, and it’s fucking huge on her. She seems to have claimed half my wardrobe.

Sweats and a top to hand, I lean down and kiss the tip of her nose, grinning as she groans and rolls onto her front. I check the time on my phone, seeing four messages from Base and Dez, both of them in Russia for some family party.

Dez sends an SOS with a picture of a guard standing with a gun, and Base accidentally sends me a message that was clearly meant for my sister.

Sebastian the Third: Aw please don’t cry. Don’t be worried, princess. I get why you’re scared, but you don’t need to be. If you need to chat until you feel better, then you know I’m always a phone call away. You’re going to fucking smash it over there, and anyone who gets to be by your side is lucky. Safe flight and let me know when you land xx

Sebastian the Third: Fuck. Of all the fucking people, I send it to YOU. I will hang your ass if you screenshot that.

Any other time I’d give him hell, but the fact that he’s trying to make my sister feel better, to comfort her while on the other side of the world, is fine with me. Hell, he has every force under him to keep her safe and could crush a skull with his bare hands if he wanted to. Luciella couldn’t have landed with a scarier yet more caring guy. If only she’d rearrange her moral compass and give him a chance.

She won’t.

Which is probably why Stacey is even more scared for her to find out that we’re seeing one another.

Freckles has been on the pill for two months now, and the side effects are starting to get to her. Her tits are swollen, her face is breaking out and she has a constant craving for ham sandwiches. Tylar asked her why she was gaining a bit of weight, considering she works out twice a day and is usually very careful with her diet.

Stacey called me as soon as she left the studio in tears, paranoid that I’d lose interest if it didn’t stop.

It took me days to convince her that I wasn’t going anywhere. It took me another few days to finally have Stacey believe that regardless of how she looks, she’s beautiful.

Now she keeps putting her tits in my face and trying to suffocate me with them.

So yeah. Losing interest in Stacey is impossible.

I sneak out of the house and off the grounds before the sun beams over the Munros, making my way to Glasgow to pick up our new fluffy friends. I’m excited about her reaction. She’d said her favourite dogs were large ones. And I want a Dobermann. It just so happens that I’m rehoming two after the shelter posted online that they were in need of a home urgently.

When I reach the shelter, I sign too many forms and set up the back of the car, opening up the carriers. While I wait for the assistant to bring the dogs out, I inspect the large dent in the side of Jason’s car.

I took the blame, but it’s safe to say Stacey needs a hell of a lot more practice before she can drive on a normal road. I’ve been trying to teach her how to drive for weeks now, but no matter what, I end up with whiplash, and she ends up in my lap.

“Mr Mitchell?” A voice pulls my attention to the front door. “Thank you for doing this. We had nowhere for them to go as all of our kennels were full. They’ve been sitting in reception for the last two days after being abandoned in the middle of nowhere. We have all the essentials in this bag.” He hands me said bag, a tote with their shelter logo on it. “The smaller one has an upset stomach from stress, but he should be fine in a few days.”

“Right.” I place the bag in the car and take the leashes. “You need anything else from me? Did the shelter receive the donation?”

He smiles warmly, his glasses resting on the bridge of his nose, grey hair messy in the wind. “We did, thank you. You’re very generous. If you struggle, or need to rehome them, we can give some assistance.”

I lift the dogs into the carriers and lock them, slowly closing the trunk. “Thanks. I’ll be keeping these little guys for good.”

“That’s nice to hear. We’ll give you a call in a few weeks to see how they’re doing.”

I nod, shake his hand and head for home.

On the way back, I turn off my radio and tell them about where they’re going to live, that I have a sister who’ll most likely run away from them and a huge indoor pool for them to swim in. “I also have this girl at home, and she’s going to love you both. I reckon I let her name one of you.” I look at the smallest one through the mirror. “You can be The Destroyer.”

He tilts his head at me, looking all cute and adorable.

By the time I get back to the manor, the sun is fully up, and the house is awake.

Mum squeals when she sees them, Ewan pats their heads and Luciella leans down but cowers when they let out a stream of high-pitched barks at her.

“What kind of dogs are they?” she asks, rising and sitting back down to her breakfast. “They look like Dobermann pups.”

“Yeah, they’re Dobermen.” She raises a brow, and I realise my mistake. Fucking Stacey and her made-up vocabulary. “You know what I mean.”

“We need to leave in five. Will I ask one of the staff to look after them?”

I shake my head. “They can go in my room until I’m back.”

I take the carriers and bag full of things to my side of the manor, up the spiral stairs to my room.

Stacey could sleep through a riot. She doesn’t make a sound or wake when I slip them into the bedroom, set up a puppy pen in silence and quickly run down to the kitchen while Luciella is sorting out her plane bag. We leave sharpish and quickly say our goodbyes at the airport.

For some reason, it takes Stacey two hours to message me in panic, the total opposite of what I expect.

Freckles: OMG, Kade!!! Why are there two dogs in your room??? Can you hurry up? Please? PLEASE?

Freckles: You got two Dobermann pups? They are going to eat me! I’m too young to die!

Next is a picture of her under the bed, capturing the two of them staring in the phone’s direction, heads tilted, captioned, This will be the last thing I see before I die. At least they’re cute. When I’m gone, you’re not allowed to have sex with anyone else. My ghost will get jealous and haunt you.

I laugh and shake my head. Mum nudges my arm and tells me to hurry up and drive. I quickly send a response.

Me: I just dropped Luciella off at the airport. You’ll survive another hour until I’m back.

Freckles: Well, when you come back and I’m ripped to shreds, you better fucking miss me.

Me: So dramatic, my little Freckles. They’re only pups.

Freckles: Your little Freckles is going to be a lump of flesh by the time you get back to bed. I think I’ll actually stay under here until you’re home. They look like evil villain dogs who want to dissect me with their extremely sharp teeth.

“She was the one that said she loved large dogs,” I mutter to myself.

“Huh?” Mum replies, and I shut off my screen with a snort and pull Jason’s car out of the parking spot. Mum is wiping her eyes in the passenger seat while speaking to my dad on the phone. “I can’t believe my little girl is finally going to university,” she sobs, her voice shaking as she places my dad on speaker. “What am I supposed to do now?”

Dad laughs, the smile evident in his tone. “Sweetheart, you’ll see her every month when you visit.”

“It’s not fair that you get to see her every day.” Mum sniffs. “I’m officially jealous.”

“Of me being locked up in here? You would hate the early rises and the food. And that’s if she chooses to visit me. She hates visitations. Plus, she’s two hours from me.”

Luciella going away to study shouldn’t have our mother this upset, surely? She should be glad that she’s getting some peace from her. I sure the fuck am.

It’s a week into the new year, and I’m done with the celebrations. The parties weren’t too bad, since I got to sneak around with Stacey and steal a kiss from her just as the clocks turned twelve. But then Luciella and Tylar decided it would be a cracking idea to go out clubbing, and I had to pretend not to look at my phone every two seconds while sitting with Base and Dez.

I worked my ass off with Ewan for the last two months to make sure I could get Stacey the perfect Christmas present. We went to Dublin the day after celebrating with my family, and we got drunk in the Temple Bar before I dragged her back to the hotel and learned more about her body.

She cried when she opened the little dancer charm for her bracelet and held my hand while we got matching tattoos – a design I’d worked on for weeks. Our initials intertwined and distorted to make them unrecognisable, with the words so small and vine-like, not even Stacey knows that they say “I choose who I love, and I choose you”.

It’s a little deep, considering how fresh we are and still not official, but I don’t know, it seemed right. She was more than happy to get the ink, and I’d do anything to see a smile on her face.

I’ll tell her what it says one day.

It took me a lot to admit to myself – and a lot of convincing from my parents – that I wasn’t a raging psycho who wanted to claim her and keep her to myself, but even though I still think there’s a possibility, I know how I truly feel about her.

It’s an emotion I had no idea I was capable of. Or my own twisted version of it anyway.

I’ve fallen in love with Stacey Rhodes.

I wanted to ask her to be my girlfriend while we were in Ireland, since my dad said it was the next step for us, but when I’d hyped myself up and tried to push the words past my lips, I froze. My chest had gone tight, I had black dots in my vision, and Stacey said we’d go back to our room and watch movies when she noticed I was losing it.

It worked, because the pain and anxiety were gone, and I had her in my arms for hours until we needed to catch our flight home.

The calmest I’ve ever felt in my life is when I’m with her. The voices are quiet, my heart slows to a healthy pace and I can sleep.

The panicking and overthinking and obsessive thoughts haven’t calmed completely – if anything, they’re worse when she’s not around. Mainly me going through every scenario of things ending.

It’s stupid, but I’m paranoid. I think about her as soon as I wake up, immediately checking my phone, and I’m either ecstatic she’s texted or confused when there’s no message. When my friends come over or arrange a day of smoking at Base’s, I ask Stacey if she has plans, just to make sure there isn’t a better option. Most of the time, to my disdain, she says she’s busy, and that we’d make plans for when she’s either at the studio or staying with Luciella.

So when my twin sister announced she was going to study in the States, I was fucking buzzing that I’d have more of Stacey. But that would make me possessive surely? Wanting her to myself and hating others who have her attention? We were in Edinburgh and a guy opened the door for her while I was at the ATM, and I imagined his body in a morgue and me behind bars.

Dad thinks it’s normal. But he would say that, wouldn’t he?

My new therapist has been a lot of help, and even got me on better meds to control certain impulses and negative thoughts.

They’re always there, regardless, but sometimes I feel like I can actually breathe, and it’s when she’s with me. I worry that I’ll hurt her, or that she’ll end up scared of me. I might become someone she doesn’t want, a demon in her closet waiting to attack. A guy she fucks when she wants, someone who does everything and anything for her.

Stacey is taking over my life and we’ve only been at this for a few months.

I want her to be my girlfriend, and maybe then we can stop sneaking around and tell the world that we belong together. Maybe, with the blessing of her family and her seeing it from mine, things will get better.

Not that things are bad. I love being around her, on her and in her. I love hearing her atrocious singing and her laugh, especially when I cause it. I can hear it now as I drive, the little pig snorts when she belly laughs, exaggerating it with a hand slapping whatever is closest to her. I watch her sleep, because I always wake first, her face relaxed and at peace as she dreams about – hopefully – us.

Fuck, I’m in deep. But I want to be deeper. More. I need more of her.

Mum finishes her conversation with my dad and hangs up, giving me a tight smile. “Are you okay?”

The frown I have on my face deepens as she stares at me. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“She was your twin!”

I try not to laugh as her eyes water again. “Jesus, woman. She’s not dead.”

Ewan leans forward, head poking between the two seats of his son’s car. “He’s right. And so is Tobias. You’ll see her more than you think, okay? If it’ll make you feel better, we can go stay at the lodge in Stranraer for a week.”

She nods. “I’d like that.”

Mum pats her eyes with a tissue and turns to me again. “So what’s the plan for you?”

I raise a brow. “Drive home?”

For an old woman, her slap to my arm is a tad stingy.

“Are you going to tell Luciella about Stacey?”

“When Stacey wants to, yes,” I reply.

Ewan speaks next. “Have you made it official yet?”

I sigh and run my hand down my face. “I tried, but I freaked out. I will though.”

“What if you ask her on her birthday? She’s nineteen next week, right?”

“Yeah.”

She’s twenty-three days older than me and won’t let me live it down. She keeps saying she feels weird fucking someone younger than her. It always earns her a spank and being tickled into a fit of coughing.

“I’m taking her out on the boat – is that alright?” I ask Ewan. He taught me how to drive a boat years ago, and I have the perfect image in my head of taking Stacey into the loch and asking her then. “On Saturday.”

“Sure,” Ewan replies. “Ah! Pull into McDonalds.”

I do, and we munch our food, setting aside a Big Mac for Stacey. But by the time I get home and get to my room, she’s asleep on top of the bed with one of the dogs cuddling into her, the other asleep at the foot of the bed. She’s got blankets over her and is cradling the Dobermann pup into her body.

The small one’s head pulls up, ears flopping. He hurries over to me and licks my cheek when I pick him up.

I take a picture of Stacey and the pup, putting the meal, my phone, car keys, cigarettes and lighter on the bedside unit before pulling the duvet aside and climbing in with them, keeping the other pup between us. Somehow, I fall asleep, and if I had to give up everything in the world for this, I would.

I’d give it all up for Stacey.