25

25

KADE

FLASHBACK

Dad keeps to my side as we walk around the man-made lake, chirping birds sounding from the speakers of the park in the middle of the institution. I kick a stone into the water, numb, unable to form any words, so we keep walking without speaking.

He understands.

I don’t.

I don’t understand why life can be so cruel to take away such a precious thing. We were happy and ready and prepared, and an accident ripped everything away from us.

I should be with my girlfriend right now, talking to my unborn daughter while my head rests on Stacey’s bump. Making plans for when she’s set free from her nine-month stint.

I shouldn’t be walking around the institution like a lost puppy, wondering if the ache in my chest will ever settle. There shouldn’t be a bottle of vodka in my hotel fridge, unopened but waiting to be. I shouldn’t have smoked a billion cigarettes on the way here.

I’m silent and so is he, but that’s alright. We don’t need to talk; we don’t even need to look at each other to feel the comfortable father–son bond. This is enough for us both.

It’s been a month since that horrifying morning. A month since Stacey spent the entire day and night in hospital, refusing to see anyone, even me. She had a procedure done to remove everything that was left of our daughter, and it took three days until the doctors were happy to discharge her.

She had a panic attack two days later and screamed when I tried to help her. My mum had to step in and calm her down.

Mum said she was traumatised and needed time to herself, so I gave her it. I lasted four days before I snapped and begged to see her.

We met by the water at Loch Thom, where she hugged herself and stayed quiet, and I stared at her as the wind whipped her hair around her grief-stricken face.

We were broken, mad and exhausted. But not with each other – I knew that.

Eventually, she rested her head on my shoulder until she agreed to come home with me. She didn’t stay the night, but we did watch TV while the dogs made a fuss of her.

We walked them around the grounds – Stacey was drained, so I carried her to the manor on my back. She fell asleep, but she jolted awake in a panic when I laid her on my bed and demanded I take her home.

Neither of us spoke as I drove her home, but she did ask me to park a street away, because her dad was furious at her for sneaking out without telling him.

Everyone told me to give her time.

I was giving her as much space and time as possible, but then she showed up at the manor drunk a week ago, while Base and Dez were there. Her words were jumbled, and her eyes were so glazed that Mum thought she was on drugs.

Tylar showed up; Dez had called her.

We gave Stacey water, and I was told to leave the room so Tylar and Mum could change her into Luciella’s pyjamas. Mum said she still had bruises on her legs and hips and doesn’t know why they hadn’t faded yet, though it wasn’t impossible.

I wouldn’t have known at the time, since it had been ages since I’d even seen her without clothes on. I understand why – I haven’t been in the mood either.

But I knew she wanted to see me, so when she fell asleep in the guest room, I snuck in and held her to my chest and kissed her head and cheeks and nose until she fell back to sleep with mumbled words.

I wasn’t giving a fuck if Tylar caught us – thankfully, for Stacey’s sake, she didn’t. I woke up the following morning to an empty bed: no message, no note, no nothing.

Not gonna lie, at that moment, I thought I was losing her.

That night, Stacey sent me a text – more like an essay – saying how sorry she was for failing me and our daughter, that she loved me and our angel more than anything. She wished she could have protected her and promised that if she’s ever granted the chance to grow another life inside her, she’ll do everything in her power to keep the baby safe. She said that when I’m ready, if I’m ever ready, that we should leave town and try again.

I told her she was my entire fucking world and it wasn’t her fault – I’d also move to the moon with her and have a football team’s worth of kids if she asked me to.

Ever since that message, I feel like I’m getting my Freckles back. She calls and texts constantly, and even stays over some nights. We don’t have sex or get intimate, which is totally fine with me. Holding her and having her smile at me is more than enough. I’d wait forever for her to be comfortable with being physical.

We’ll get through this. We’ll survive this grief. We’ll make our angel proud of us.

Dad breaks me from the trap in my head. “You said Doctor Turner had to up your meds again.”

I nod, hands in the pockets of my shorts. “Yeah.”

“How do you feel?”

I shrug.

“Are you still sketching?”

I shake my head, staring at nothing as we stop and sit down at the bench. My therapist was concerned about me and decided it was time to either change my dosage again or put me on different meds. I chose the former, because my body doesn’t react well to any sudden change in medication. And no matter what I do, I can’t draw. I can’t even think about drawing.

I’m still undiagnosed, so she studies my every move and emotion during our sessions. I’m not like my dad, but I hold some of his ASPD traits. I’m aware of my surroundings and other’s well-being, but there are moments that everything’s black.

I’ve had those moments maybe three times, and once, it lasted for days.

It was like a mental barricade, forming armour around my mind. A dark shadow holding me back, dragging me into the abyss of my own self-destruction. I was trapped in a bubble, unable to be heard or seen. There were voices that terrified me, spoke to me about death and pain.

My therapist thought I was schizophrenic but ruled it out pretty quickly. That’s when they introduced medication.

I had so many fucking uncontrolled thoughts. Urges. So much anger.

No, pure fucking rage. I put too many holes in my walls and smashed up my room. I was fifteen after all. There wasn’t much I could actually do with my anger back then except break things and speak to my parents like shit.

But then I woke up and walked downstairs, and the tightness in my chest and the voice on my shoulder vanished when I saw Stacey sitting at the dining table. That infuriating yet infatuating human that I couldn’t stop looking at whenever she was nearby.

She gave me the finger when no one was looking, and I smiled deep inside while glaring at her.

I haven’t had a block since. Not that she’s the reason why. That’s not medically possible, according to my therapist. She mentioned that I spoke to her a lot about Stacey, and she wanted to make sure it wasn’t an impending, out-of-control obsession.

It was, but still. She ended up mine anyway.

Can I love her and still be obsessed with her? Because I am.

“Are you sleeping and eating?” Dad asks, nudging me with his shoulder when I’m unresponsive and stuck in my head again. “You can talk to me. Everything is still fresh, so it’s okay to be down and need someone to talk to. Who better to talk to than your dad, who’s an expert in emotions after studying the world and its fakeness for years?”

Snorting, I manage a half-smile and look at my dad. “It just sucks.”

“It does,” he agrees. “And it’s alright to grieve a loss, as long as you don’t lose yourself in the process. How is Stacey doing?”

In all fairness, the first few weeks were brutal with how much she withdrew from me, but she did reach out to me with that text.

I was with her before I left for the airport. Stacey was asleep in my bed before I had to catch my flight. She’d smiled up at me as I’d kissed her forehead and told her to dream of me as she fell back to sleep.

She’d called me a cheeseball and sandwiched herself between the dogs.

We’re getting there. Day by day, we heal a little more, but I can’t bring myself to burn the box under my bed. Filled with clothes and the little princess dress, it’ll stay there until I have it in me to bin it.

When I get home, I’m gonna get a tattoo dedicated to our kid, right next to Stacey’s nickname on my collarbone.

Stacey cries a lot, whereas I’ve struggled to shed a tear. Not that I’m not heartbroken about our loss, but I feel like I’m just broken in general. I’m battling that mental block – that fucking wall threatening to fall down. I’ve kept myself strong for us both. Whenever she breaks down, I keep her above the surface, even though I’m barely keeping myself afloat.

I tell Dad all of this, and he listens to every word, even as they strangle in my throat, and I have to keep stopping. I tell him that I wish I could go back to when we were happy and impatient about our future. I tell him that I was going to be a good father – I was going to work relentlessly to be everything my daughter wanted and needed.

He pulls me against him, and it’s only when my head drops that I realise my eyes are burning and my cheeks are wet. My body is shaking as the tightness intensifies in my heart, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Dad’s hand is at the back of my head as he tells me repeatedly that he’s got me.

He tells me it’s okay to feel. It’s okay to let it all out.

He’s here.

A soft kiss to my lips pulls me from my slumber, and I open my eyes to find Stacey hovering over me, in my hoodie, face free of make-up.

“Hi,” she says quietly, giving me a warm smile. “I missed you.”

I squint and look at the clock beside my bed. “It’s three in the morning, Stacey.”

She shrugs and scrunches her nose. “Your mum picked me up. Can I sleep beside you?”

Despite the lamp being off, I can see her face. “Do you have a black eye?” I ask, sitting up and grabbing the back of her head to get a closer look. “What happened?”

“I walked into a door.”

I narrow my eyes, and my heart beats harder in my chest at the idea of someone hurting her. “Don’t lie to me. What the fuck happened?”

“Can I not be a klutz without you thinking I’m telling a lie?”

I search her face as her eyes start to water. “If you don’t tell me, I’ll find out. And whoever did that to you, I’ll kill them.”

She shakes her head. “No one did this to me, Kade. Can you calm down?”

“Promise me it was an accident.”

“I promise.”

I drag her to me, wrapping the duvet and my legs around her. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“Yeah.” She buries her head into me. “Does this mean you missed me too?”

“Of course I missed you,” I say against the hood then pull it down to bury my nose in her hair. “I tried to call you when I landed earlier.”

“I know,” she whispers. “I’m sorry.”

I hold her tighter. “Don’t be. You’re here now. Sleep, Freckles.”

“Can we try again?”

“Try what again?” I ask. “For a baby?”

She turns to face me, and even though it’s dark in my room, the moon shines on her face, and I can see her undeniable beauty. “Yeah. Maybe not right away, but in like… a year? Six months? We could properly prepare, and I’ll even stay on the couch the full nine months. I promise… I promise I won’t lose our baby again.”

Her eyes are watering, and I take her cheek in my palm, caressing the soft skin. “Hey, stop that. It wasn’t your fault, okay? Please stop blaming yourself. We’ll try again. Hell, I would start now if you wanted to.”

Her chin trembles, but she nods anyway, and we shift so she’s lying on my chest. “I love you, Kade. I don’t think I’ll ever not love you.”

“Think?” I snort, my eyes closing. “You’re stuck with me, because I know I could never not love you.”

“I don’t want us to hide.”

Quietly, so quietly because I’m falling asleep again, I whisper, “Then we won’t.”

Two days later, I roll Stacey onto her back and pin her beneath me. “I don’t want to watch this anymore,” I say, burying my face into the crook of her neck and pressing my lips to her skin. “I think we should finish what we started last night.”

She slaps my back with a giggle as I roll my hips, my cock rubbing against her leg, needing her to fucking part her thighs.

“I’m not blowing you while your dogs are in the room.”

Our dogs, I correct in my head.

I laugh against her neck, trailing chaste kisses up to her jaw then pressing my lips to her cheeks and nose. She blushes, her eyes starting to dilate, and I grip her hips, my cock thickening as I slide it between her clothed legs and thrust against her.

She lets out a quiet moan that unravels my patience.

“Milo, Hopper.” I jump off the bed and throw open the door. “Out.”

I feel bad, but they hurry out and gallop downstairs like a herd of elephants. When I close the door and turn to my girlfriend, she’s glaring at me.

But the top sliding off her shoulder makes my cock harder.

“That was mean. They were comfortable,” she says, but my eyes are on the inked shoulder I want to sink my teeth into.

“You said you wouldn’t blow me while the dogs are in.” I shrug, lock the door and walk towards her. “I was simply finding a solution, Freckles.”

Stacey presses her mouth to mine when I lie on her. “That nickname does things to me.”

She rolls her hips, and I straighten my arms to look down at her. “You’re good with this?” We haven’t really been intimate except from her touching me last night.

She bites her lip and nods. “Just be gentle.”

“Right, clothes off.” I reach behind me, grabbing the top at the back of my neck and whipping it off. Her eyes are on my chest, larger from the weights I’ve been lifting and tanned still from summer.

“Pause the movie. Unless you want to watch it while you’re inside me?”

I grimace. “I have no intention of watching a bunch of guys running around with guns while I’m inside my girl.” I yank at the waistband of her shorts. “Fuck me, why did you tie these so tight?”

“To keep boys like you away,” she teases, pulling me by the nape to kiss her again. “And I love seeing men run around with guns.”

“You do? Will I find one from somewhere and fuck you with it?”

Not that I’d know how to actually do that – but still.

Her eyes go wide. “Kade!”

I chuckle with a smile, biting my bottom lip. “I love when you scream my name.” The blush takes over her cheeks. My mouth presses to her throat, greedy hands travelling up her sides until my thumbs are under her tits as I lick and suck at her skin. “I wonder how fast I could make you scream it again. Maybe I’ll use my mouth.”

I love feasting on her cunt. Most of the time, even though I kind of know what I’m doing now, I love it when she tells me what to do. She usually has a grip of my hair and moves my head, grinding against my tongue while it’s buried into her.

I would very much like to do it right now.

But instead, she slaps my shoulder to stop me from lifting her top over her braless chest and sucking a nipple into my mouth. “After this movie.”

Did she just fucking tease me?

I need a new girlfriend.

I groan and fall onto the bed beside her, my shorts tented. “I hate you sometimes.”

“You could never hate me,” she says, which is true. “But, ah! Look, he just shot that guy in the head from away over there! Do you think you could do that?”

I twist a strand of her hair around my finger, tugging it to annoy her. “I’d never touch a gun. People already have a grim view of me because of my surname. I need Nora’s approval.”

She told her dad about me, and he seems happy. He even wants to meet me next weekend. But her stepmother is strict as hell and probably won’t like the idea of me being their future son-in-law.

Fuck them all.

“So, yeah,” I add. “I’ll pass.”

“That was cute.”

Completely out of my own control, I feel myself blush. Me, blushing – the fuck?

“Yeah? You know what else is cute?” I say with a smirk as I grab her leg, hiking it up to my hip, feeling the addictive heat of her pussy through our clothes. “Like… really, really cute.”

She tries to pull away, but I hold tighter. “If you tickle me, I will— Kade!”

The tickle attack turns into passionate kissing, where I devour ever fucking inch of her until we’re spent. Later, we walk the dogs down at the pier, but they run back in when I pin her to the small shack by the boat and kiss her until we’re panting into each other’s mouths and desperate for our clothes to come off.

Stacey smacks me.

I’ve given this girl countless orgasms today and this is how I’m treated?

“I do not snore.”

I capture her wrists, pulling her to me. She straddles my hips, her tits pressing to my chest. “I’ll record you next time.”

Annoyingly, she rolls her eyes. “Then this is the last time I’ll be in your bed.”

“Liar,” I reply with a grin, reaching up to press my lips to hers. “I’m afraid you’re stuck sleeping in my bed for the foreseeable.”

“How so?”

“When you come back from your night out tomorrow, we’re going to sit Luciella down and tell her we’re together. Then we’ll break it to her that we’re in love, then add in some more by saying we’re planning on moving away before trying for a baby.” I shrug, as if it’s a piece of cake. I don’t even like cake. “Simple.”

Luciella has been a fucking pain in this relationship. We can’t put it off any longer. She’s stressed with uni, but fuck her. I can’t tell Base, because he’ll tell her, so the only person I can talk to is Dez – fuck that.

“That’s anything but simple. She might pass out,” she replies, folding her hands at my chest, resting her chin on them. “I have a feeling I’m going to lose my best friend.”

She looks sad. How can one person’s opinion make her feel this way?

Instead of comforting her, I flip us over, nestling my cock between her legs. Naked as the day we were born, and I get hard.

“If you do, then she isn’t a best friend, is she?”

She nibbles her lip, still swollen from her sucking my dick. I pull it from between her teeth with my thumb, dragging it down until it snaps back into place.

When I stop, she says, “I don’t want to lose her.”

“You won’t. If she fucks you off, then she loses you.”

“Stop having an answer to everything!” She gasps when my dick twitches, rock solid against her. “Again! Really?”

“Your tits are pressing against my chest, and I can feel your pussy against my cock. So yes, really.”

It slides against her soaked entrance, and as I capture her bottom lip between my teeth, I thrust up into her, making us both gasp from how sensitive we are.

“She will accept us. Because I love you.” Another thrust. “I’m always going to love you, Freckles.”

Her nails sink into my skin as she sits up and moves her hips, grinding slowly against me while I palm her tits. I bite on her nipple, sucking hard to get as much of her breast in my mouth as possible.

“I’ll stop birth control,” she says as she rides me. “I won’t take my pill today or any day after, and I want you to finish inside me, Kade. I want everyone to know. When I get back from my night out, the world will know who I love.”

I drop my head back against the pillow as she bounces over me. I’m gripping her hips to pull her down as I fuck up into her tight pussy. “And who do you love?”

“You. Always. You’re mine, and I’m yours.” She gasps and caresses her own tits, and I grit my teeth to stop myself from finishing before her. Her voice is laced with pleasure as she keeps talking, her body like a fucking temple as she writhes above me. “You’ll be the father of my children, the love of my life and the person I get to grow old with.”

I mark her throat as I whisper the words. “There’ll be no other ending for us, Freckles, because you’re fucking it for me.”

Fuck. After tomorrow night, I get to have it all.

I’ll finally have all of her.