51. Ana

FIFTY-ONE

Ana

aka vanya

I lay my head on Dima's chest as exhaustion weighs me down and he combs his fingers through my hair. The new house is nice, and I can see the trees from every window, the huge window above the bed lets me see the moon as I stare up at it. But my mind doesn't switch off, and I don't want to forget anything. The questions aren't so loud that I need to reset or can't function. It's probably not the best time to ask him, but I want to know.

"Do you know who my mom is?"

His fingers that were between my legs move up to rest on my ass. I'm going to be sore in the morning, a good sore that tells me which muscles were used and I'll remember that his heart is inside his chest with no scar to show it's never been opened.

He takes a deep breath, and I look up, seeing his guilty expression as I stroke down his chest, confirming that he's okay. His words come out low with the same emotion.

"I didn't know he had a daughter."

I can't help my laugh at his stupidity. He thinks I'm offended about no one knowing I exist when that's better than them knowing and leaving me. Pressing my lips over his heart, I lay my head back down and try to imagine what she's like. It can't be Inessa, she's only a year or two older than me, but it has to be someone in Vlad's life, he's weird about people and keeps them close to him.

She could be dead. Or just walking around living her life. I wonder if she has other children. They'd all be younger than me like Verena is. She's a good baby, always nice to everyone even when she looks grumpy and scowls like she's smelt something rotten. When Inessa gives birth, I'll have another sibling, but I'm an adult, old enough to be their parent. Freaky as fuck.

Lips press against my crown and Dima pulls me out of my spiral.

"You have some loud thoughts, lisichka."

I don't have to question telling him about the weird shit in my head. He never laughs at me or makes me feel like I'm an idiot, he's calm and supportive so I tell him, "It's strange that I have siblings who are babies, I could have a kid the same age as them."

His face softens and there's a new gentleness in his eyes as he cups my cheek and tempers his voice to ask, "You want kids?"

I've never thought of a normal life, it's always been the same cycle of anger. Instead of answering with a yes or a no, I give him my biggest secret.

"I didn't think I'd be this age, so I never thought about what I wanted. I didn't think about a job, family, education. I'm not dumb, it's just not something that ghosts have."

It's not a death wish but facts pointed to me not seeing the next day. Then I'd get there and have the same repeat of shit so making plans that went too far into the future wasn't a possibility. It was pointless to build hope for something that would never happen, I'd done it with watching different TV shows but I never managed to get to a point in life where it was useful and I had friends.

He kisses my temple and squeezes me with how tightly he holds me. It drags me further over his chest so I'm laid on my stomach, and he presses his lips to my forehead for so long I'm sure there's going to be an imprint against the bone before he says, "Never dumb. You can be whoever you want, do whatever you want."

I nod and try to find the right words that sound less immature to make things right. It's harder when I've never been in this position before and unease crawls up my spine as I avoid his eyes.

"I'm not very nice to you and I'm sorry, I want to be better at it."

All the shows I watched to learn how people are supposed to interact made a big deal about communication. They act as though it's easy to just say things, but it's not. It's something that has to be learned and I want to do that only for Dima because it's not fair on him that I keep ruining things.

He speaks calmly and massages down my back, pushing the unease away.

"You are perfect how you are. Don't change for me, lisichka. I love the fact you're crazy, and that you have fight, even the psychotic shit you do makes me fall deeper in love with you. Just never use it against me, let me stand by your side even though you're strong enough to stand alone."

He's perfect, the perfect person who makes everything better and I lay my head under his chin as I hug his shoulders, listening to his heartbeat prove that he's alive. My fingers absentmindedly trace a line on his chest where Yulia lied that he was open and I relax because there's no scar.

Everyone calls me by my new name, or my actual name. Even Katya and Stasi don't call me Ana since I told them about my real name. I walk to Vlad's office with Dima watching every step I take. He doesn't look away from me even when I'm next to him, but I don't want to upset him if I end up stabbing his friend. Am I supposed to call him dad? It doesn't sound right, and I still don't actually like him as a person.

Vlad's rough voice comes out, calling me in as I knock on his office door. I pause seeing him with his family, I've never paused before. They make a perfect picture and Verena slaps her hand on his desk, demanding me to walk forward.

"Ana! Mwah!"

I still don't move, and he lifts her up, gently correcting the name. "Vanya, not Ana."

She has more recognition of the name at three years old than I do at twenty-six. Inessa's smile gets my attention, it's warm and welcoming, succeeding in making me take one step. Lifting Verena out of Vlad's arms, she goes to leave but stops at my side as the toddler demands her kiss. Verena smiles widely, saying my name and waving as I press a kiss to her cheek. Inessa's voice comes out normal, ignoring the weird ass dynamic.

"Come on, wriggler, you can play with your sister later."

I never hesitated with her before, I held her when she was a baby and I'd pull funny faces at her to make her laugh, but it's strange now.

The door softly clicks closed behind me, but I don't move. We don't say anything when we're alone and I search for any similarities. I have the same color hair and my eyes have the light blue bits that are like Vlad's. Other than that, I don't think we look alike. Thank fuck, if I looked like the ugly freak I'd hate myself. My feet move silently until I deflate into the chair opposite him. The question has been on my mind ever since I thought of it, and it leaves at a higher volume than I intended.

"Do you know who my mom is?"

Anger takes over his features and he balls his hands into fists. Weird cunt.Valentin didn't know he had a child until Viktor turned up so how do I know what the fuck Vlad gets up to? If he's offended he can fuck off.

He ignores me and opens his desk drawer, placing his anger inside as he takes out a small piece of card. "I couldn't register your birth because they'd ask questions, but you were born just outside of Moscow."

His cryptic bullshit is annoying as fuck, and he passes me the card I can't read. It's not one of the languages I learnt but I can make sense of the date and time.

"I'm twenty-eight next month?" I'm asking myself, but he nods.

His anger comes back as he finally answers my original question.

"The woman who gave birth to you isn't your mother, she never was and never will be."

He said woman. And my heart sinks as I do the math — he was only twelve and I can't pick my head up.

"Oh, I'm sorry," I mumble.

My life is a reminder of something bad. Marlo knew and it's why he always said I was wrong, that I shouldn't have been allowed to be born.One parent is the nonce I enjoy killing, the other is the child I try to save. While I was raised to be the intermediary introducing the two.

I'm staring at the floor, hoping it swallows me when my chair is turned and Vlad squats in front of me to catch my eyes.

"Don't apologize, you're the best thing that ever happened to me." Speaking softly, he adds, "I've loved you from the second you existed, solnyshkuh."

I feel bad about not liking him now, he's still an asshole but this version of him is nice.He continues speaking softly as though he's afraid I'm going to run away.

"Stay here, I want to show you something."

I don't move and continue staring at the floor. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, I technically have parents, but I don't want them, and I don't really need them, but it could have been nice to grow up with Val and Tali, I liked being around them when they thought I was their sister.

Something beeps at my side, I turn to see Vlad open his safe hidden under a panel in the floor and ask, "Should you be letting me see where you hide things?"

He turns, smiling. "It's all yours anyway."

He's weird as fuck, pulling a very pink dress out of the floor safe and holds it like it's gold. It's an old design with frilly shit on it and I take it hesitantly.

"Why are you giving me Verena's old clothes?"

It's too small to fit her now and he takes the seat opposite me, holding an envelope on his thighs. He straightens his cufflinks before speaking and making no sense.

"It's your birthday present."

I hand it back to him and let him know he's a freak.

"Yeah well, I don't think it's going to fit. You should let Inessa buy clothes for people because you're really shit at it."

He takes it from me and lays it flat on the desk as he talks to it. "No, I got it for your birthday, your first birthday." He lowers his voice to below a whisper and admits, "I never got to give it to you."

Oh, that's sad. I've never had a birthday present before and I look at the dress, trying to imagine if a baby would like it as he keeps talking to himself, showing crazy is inherited.

"I kept everything of yours."

He stops talking to the dress and just stares at me like a freak. I was right that there are two people living inside of me and I try to meld the gaps between the life he knew of and who I am now as I ask, "So, you know what I was like as a baby?"

It sounds dumb but he just smiles softly and nods. "Yeah, I'll never forget. You were happy and so fucking strong. You'd pull Valya's hair, but all three of you were like best friends and you'd play together. Vitya would teach you to kick and every time you'd cry, he'd hug you. They both did, but he was closer to your age, so you'd have naps together. You were seven months old when you tried to walk for the first time, but you didn't crawl. They both held your hands, so you didn't fall over and helped you stay on your feet. You took your first steps without anyone else when you were just under nine months, and then you crawled after that."

His eyes do that weird thing where they get more reflective, hiding the color and he clears his throat when he finishes speaking.

"Did I look like Verena?"

He slowly shakes his head and clears his throat again.

"A little, you both have dark hair, but you had more. It would always stick up because you had to have your hat on, or you'd start fussing. Your eyes are different too. She's naturally grumpy, and you were always giggling or smiling. You like bayu bayushki and you'd always laugh when I hummed it."

He starts humming the song I made up and looks down, remembering the envelope in his hands. There's a lump in his throat as he slowly passes it to me. "This is yours too."

The paper is aged and yellow, there aren't any creases in it like it's been protected. I don't know what I expect to be inside, but it isn't raven locks of hair. Fucking freak. Who gives someone hair?

My voice comes out small and weak as I grimace. "Why are you giving me your crime-scene evidence?"

He's still smiling, someone should tell him it makes him look weird, but I'm distracted as he says, "It's yours, from your first haircut."

He definitely should have thrown it away and I put it on the desk because it's nasty to keep hair for that long.

There's genuine curiosity in my question as I ask, "Were you going to clone me?"

Vlad shakes his head and gently closes the tab of the envelope and places it beside the dress.

"No, no one could ever replace you."

The slow soft voice and his behavior is making it harder to be around him. I'd prefer him to kick me in the ankle again, this is just uncomfortable, so I stand and take a step away but his face falls.

I point at the door, dumbly. "I'm leaving, you're really weird and it's freaking me out."

He nods once with that smile still on his face as I walk backwards. I quickly turn and pause at the door, speaking to the wood because he's not being an asshole which is making it all strange and harder to navigate.

"Vlad?"

"Yeah?" he says softly, too softly.

"I think you were a good dad, but I don't need one now."

"I know, solnyshkuh."

"I still don't like you."

"I know," he whispers.

"I might never like you."

"I know," he says even lower.

"If you hurt Dima, I'll kill you."

"I know."

"Okay, bye."

I press down on the door handle, ready to escape and forget the encounter, but he stops me as he whispers, with emotion weighing down each word, "I love you."

Without turning, I continue speaking to the door because it's easier as I weakly nod, "I know."

I think he does in his incredibly messed up way of collecting hair, but I didn't even like him when I thought he was my brother, and he knows he's not a nice person.

Dima is already waiting for me when I open the door and I go to him automatically. He pulls me into his chest and kisses the top of my head. I remember the other person I was supposed to ask about and look up, whispering, "I forgot to ask about Yulia."

He nods and smiles at me before kissing my head again.

"We'll do whatever you need, lisichka, no one will take it from you."