12. Ana

TWELVE

Ana

D ima is being strange, secretive. He's stopped pretending to be nice or trying to be. But he still keeps smiling at me and I want him to stop. It never comes out of my mouth though. It's there on his face as we pull up outside the Vartanovs' house and none of the guards say anything to me as we get out of the car. They still smirk to each other and look between Dima and me while they're doing it. Tali pulls the door open before I can even touch it and his smile doesn't make me feel strange the same way Dima's does. He smiles at everyone, and he never says he hates me.

He throws his arm around my shoulders and pulls me inside. I know he's high when he laughs around his declaration.

"I got all of my favorites. They'll be yours too."

Looking from the piles of food he has on the table to his body that should definitely be a lot bigger, I stop myself from asking what he's taken. It's not my job and he's an adult. But there's a part of my brain that doesn't want him to get hurt. He's always nice to me and the guards don't say anything in front of him either.

He keeps me by his side until I'm sat beside him on the sofa, and I put my feet up. He puts on random movies that we've talked about as I settle into the comfort of it being normal again. He always does this. Apart from there being more food than usual, it's just a normal day. I can fully relax when Dima goes away, and we share all the snacks. There's a huge cake in the middle of the table, the same one I spoke to Dima about yesterday.

No, Tali always eats.

He keeps food in his pockets when we're working.

Dress shoes tap on the floor, spoiling my good mood and Vlad's annoying voice is right behind me.

"Office, pipsqueak."

I remind myself that people I like will be sad if I kill him and keep repeating it as I follow him. Hopefully there'll be someone I can kill, or he knows something about Nina.If I kill him, Inessa and Tali will be upset, but he's so fucking annoying and I don't walk in front of him because he'll kick me in the ankle again. Even the back of his head is annoying, and I really want to punch it as he walks to his office.

I don't sit in the seat opposite his desk, it's not a fucking business meeting. His suit would look right if it was. He ignores me standing opposite his desk and takes his seat as I survey his bar cart.

"Don't touch any of that." He straightens his cuffs and I turn. "You're not good enough for my top shelf. Sit down."

"Fuck off." I roll my eyes and lean against the back of the chair while I wait for whatever task he has.

"What did Marlo look like?"

I've told him before, so the senile bastard should remember. My irritation shows with having to repeat a conversation we had two years ago.

"He had brown hair and eyes. Wore glasses and he had a cane."

He could walk fine; I saw him without it when he'd spend the night. But he always had it with him and the memory of the taps as he walked send a shiver through my body.

Vlad's not insulting me or trying to hit me for once. He's interrogating me. "Was there anything that stood out about his speech?"

I shrug because the only thing he ever repeated is that I'm weak and wrong. I don't tell Vlad that, he'll use it against me. He opens his desk drawer without looking away from me and drops a pad and paper in front of me.

"Can you draw him?"

Why is he being so fucking weird?

I can't see images in my head, I can dream them but when I close my eyes there's nothing there. If I see someone, I'll recognize their face instantly, it's dumb and doesn't make sense and I tell him that.

"I'd be able to recognize him, but I can't see pictures in my head."

He doesn't say anything, not even call me weird, he just continues staring at my face. His eyes dart down to my shoulder, but my t-shirt covers my skin. Looking down to see if there's a stain, there's no mark there and I'm dismissed as he flicks his fingers towards the door.

Rude asshole, he could have spoken.

I'm content to go back to my bingeing session but I freeze as the room I left isn't the one I come back to. There are people everywhere and they're all looking at me. Not just looking at me but smiling at me. My heart starts beating too fast and my head spins. I don't want them to look at me anymore. Or smile. It's fake and not real, they're not smiling at me but at Ana. And she isn't a real person.

Dima walks forward until I can't see anything other than him. He holds my elbow, gently walking me away from the crowd. He doesn't let go and it's soft enough that I could rip my arm away out of his reach, but I don't as he leads me outside near the pool. His hand moves up my arm until he's holding the back of my head and I'm trying not to have a heart attack when my cheek touches his chest. My nose itches at the smell of his cologne pushing into my nose.

Something soft touches my hair and I realize it's his lips when he asks against the strands. "What's wrong, lisichka?"

Why is he calling me a little fox? I'm not little. Or an animal. But I don't ask that and sound weak telling the truth.

"Everyone was looking at me."

When people stare it's bad, it means they can see what you're hiding. Marlo always said it would happen, that I can't hide how evil I am. Then Yulia would punish me, waiting for whatever the wrong things were to leave, as though it was in my blood and if I bled enough then it would drain away.

Dima moves back and tilts my chin up with his knuckles. The smile is on his face again but it's not fake when he saw my eyes.

"They found out it was your birthday, and they were waiting for you."

I hate him. He told them to do things for me, now it's all going to go to shit. My eyes sting and he blows out air through his nose, pulling me back to his chest. Why does he keep touching me? It's not like the clients with his hands on my neck and my shoulders. But mine are by my sides.

Something wet touches my cheek and his arms tighten. Is he sweating on me? That's fucking disgusting. I don't want his sweaty body on me when it will remind me of what I did before the fights. The sounds and how they'd always squash my face. Twisting my shoulders to get the feeling to go doesn't work. I hate that feeling and I sink inside of my body, trying to get away from my skin.

I feel dirty again. I shouldn't. It was my choice, and I knew what I was doing. But that dirty feeling doesn't go. Lips touch my temple, and I relax, knowing what he wants. It all makes sense, he's not really nice. It's just so he feels better, less transactional. I'm not going to fuck him but now I know I can deal with it.

He lets me go without having to push him off me and I walk away. I'll need my book and sticker, but I can get them after he's calmed down. He didn't throw them away last time, so they'll be safe. I don't go back inside the house, I walk around the edge of the property as I hum my song in my head. The guards all look at me and I keep humming as they sneer in my direction. I'm forced to stop when I reach the gate and one of the guards touches his groin as he opens it for me, dirty fuck. There's nothing he can do or say that I haven't seen before. They're not scary, just pathetic people thinking they're tough because they have a gun. It's hard to be scared when I grew up around true evil.

Footsteps thud against the ground and there's a crack making me turn around. Dima's chest heaves and his knuckles are red with the groin-grabbing guard laying at his feet. Extending his voice, he looks at everyone other than me while giving his order.

"One of you cunts open your mouth again, I'll take you apart. Ponyal?" 1 Taking his gun from his waistband, he cocks it then fires a shot into the guard's head as he repeats, "Ponyal!"

All of them murmur, frightened little fucking idiots.

It's funny. They can't look at Dima when all he did was punch someone. He used a gun to kill him so that doesn't count, even a child can shoot someone. I'm bored when nothing else happens and continue on my walk and restart my song. The middle bit is my favorite and I slow my humming to savor the vibration of it tickling my throat.

Fingers wrap around my bicep, and I react on instinct. My fist connects with his Adam's apple, causing him to choke and cough, but he doesn't curse at me and drops his hold as he rubs his throat.

"Where are you going?"

It comes out in a croak, and I bite my cheek, so I don't laugh in his face. His lips move up again, smiling when he should be angry.

Dima dips his head to catch my eyes as he steps to the side, covering the guards from being in my view and softens his voice.

"Are your eyes hurting?"

I should have punched him harder; I would have if I knew it was him. Crossing my arms, I turn smug, working out what he thinks I'm too dumb too.

"It won't work."

The clients couldn't get past me when I was younger, he definitely won't now.

"I know that you're only being nice, so I do something fucked up. The nicer you are, the more likely you think I am to do it."

Disgust washes over him before I've even finished speaking and he clenches his fists. I want him to punch me, if he does I can fight back. Mind games and manipulation are worse, they embed themselves into the filing cabinet and then I'll always go back to them in an attempt to work out where I went wrong. It was the same with Yulia and her tricks. She'd change the year that I got given to her so I never knew how old I was. I'd go to my room as a nine year old and come out being twelve. Some days I'd be younger and then some she wouldn't say anything, and I'd just be confused. If I can't trust my mind, I can trust my body.

The disgust sticks to his voice but it's not real.

"Don't ever fucking compare me to the cunts you were around growing up."

He's doing the same things as them. Being nice, smiling with a secret thought, and pretending to help me. I'm not going to argue with him, I know I'm right. Patterns always reveal themselves and only hopeful idiots expect a different outcome.

I only manage to turn my shoulders when he grabs me again. Fuck this. I know who it is now and don't hold back. He takes a defensive stance as I knee him in the stomach, the asshole. He's still doing it. Pretending to be fucking nice and that it won't hurt. That hurts more. Holding on to the back of his head with both hands, I push my foot into his thigh and bring my knee up to get him in the nose.

The stupid tall bastard makes it harder and tries to shake me off. He lightly jabs my ribs to dislodge me as I knock my elbow into the side of his face. I've seen him fight, so I know he'd be a good opponent. Right now, he's weak as fuck, refusing to use his full strength. His lies make it worse, just like the others who try and hide their deviancy.

"I'm not going to hurt you."

Shut the fuck up! Promises are bullshit. Gardeners use manure to fertilize their flowers, liars use bullshit to fertilize their lies.

My brain rattles from the force of hitting his jaw as I throw my head forward to get him to stop. It makes me loosen my hold and my foot lands against his inner thigh. We both go down but I'm fighting to survive. Not physically. Mentally. I can't take people's games.Not again, because if I stop knowing things it will all crumble and I'll forget how to talk again.

Trying to push him on to his back doesn't work and he straddles my thighs, pushing his knees into my hips and grabs my wrists, pinning them above my head. No. This is worse. I've lost control. I can't lose control.I have to know things and have my body. But he's taking it all from me.

My eyes close and I'm not me. I open them as Ana, staring at nothing while B hides deep in the forest. No one gets my pain because I'm not here. Rough fingers gently stroke my cheek and I flinch as warmth brushes the other.

"Come back to me, lisichka, I won't hurt you."

He keeps repeating it, but Marlo and Yulia are shouting at me. They're telling me I'm wrong, weak, that I need to learn. I don't want to learn anymore. It always hurts when I have to.

But you need to know to be able to teach it .

I don't want to teach anyone; I want to go home. It's not to a place I've ever visited. It's a mythical fantasy land where I don't have to fucking fight anymore. I can be B – she lives in the forest with the moon.

1 ? Understand?