32. Anastasia

THIRTY-TWO

Anastasia

V itali doesn’t leave my side as the nurse draws blood and her lips move but I can’t make sense of what she’s saying. Her eyes keep going to his bare chest, there’s no blood on his skin after he stopped somewhere and told me not to move. He came back to the car in a pair of shorts and free of any dirt, but his hair still smells like it. Other than those two words he hasn’t spoken to me after he gave me his promise and he’ll only look at me when he thinks I won’t see, but I find comfort in the fact his hand hasn’t left mine.

The drugs in my system are making everything foggy and I can’t force my eyes to stay open as the nurse leaves. A chair scrapes against the floor and my arm is gently tugged while Vitali moves around the room. Warmth moves up my body over the hospital gown, but his hand doesn’t touch. It hurts, he’s never been hesitant or nervous with me. I want him to tell me what’s happened, put a big dopey grin on his face, and say some bullshit to lighten the mood.

He continues ghosting his hand over my abdomen and when he does finally talk my body freezes – not the movement but the temperature.

“I’m sorry, baby,” he whispers.

The heartbreak cracks his voice, but it’s not an endearment and my foggy mind replays the words the nurse said on a delay.

“ We’ll come back to do a scan, but it looks like she was six to eight weeks.”

My face contorts, a sob wracking my chest and making me convulse. He wouldn’t lie. I’d know, it’s my body and I’d know. I’m on birth control and I was on my period a few days ago, so they don’t know what they’re talking about.I can’t open my eyes and squeeze them tighter as though I can make sense of things as arms wrap around me, and I’m pulled into a chest that’s always warm.

“Shh I’ve got you, you’re safe, sweetness.”

He’s going to fucking hate me. I’m numb and feeling too much, or I’m feeling so much I’m numb. I don’t fucking know. All I know is that it can’t be right. The doctors get things wrong all the time and I can’t have been pregnant, but the nurse’s voice is there in my head and the darkness that my closed eyelids offer projects the sight of Vitali’s face falling.

He’s the only one out of the two of us who has been focused and I look up so he can tell me I’ve misunderstood. His eyes are red, and I know the answer without asking the question as he holds the back of my head and presses his lips to my forehead while stroking down my back.

“You are safe, Anastasia, that’s all that matters.”

His stilted voice doesn’t help drown out the feeling of my chest caving in. I feel like I’ve failed and grief for something I never allowed myself to think of hits me.He has to know now that I’m fucked up, I ruin everything, and my mother was right about me. I don’t have the right to the emotions and pull myself out of his hold. He gets to be upset, to feel whatever he wants at not getting what he wants – I don’t.

My voice comes out rougher than I intended as I do what I do best and push him away.

“I want to leave.”

I want to be alone. I need to. If I see tears in his eyes, I’ll crumble into pieces that will never fit together again.Negativity and Vitali are oxymoronic, they don’t go together, not when he’s a presence filled with light and laughter. He doesn’t make a joke or attempt to ease the situation, he just holds me and kisses my crown, repeating, “You’re safe, and I’ll never let anyone hurt you again.”

I don’t cry or scream. Everything shuts down. There’s no sense or reason for it when I’m not entitled to the emotions — sadness, grief, anger. None of them belong to me and I tilt my head back to avoid him as I coldly say, “I want to leave.”

He nods once and straightens, taking his seat again. I can’t look at him but he’s in my periphery and avoiding my eyes. This time I’m glad because I can delay seeing how much he’ll hate me.

Yet his sadness is in the room, choking me and refusing to allow me to push it away as he says, “After they’ve checked you’re okay, we’ll leave.”

Why isn’t he screaming at me? He should be. Or is he happy because he’s not stuck with me?

The numbness intensifies as I stare into space where the light is filtering through the window. I can’t prevent my thoughts, he’s going to finally leave, and my mother’s voice is in my head. Her words repeating, words that he heard about trapping him with a child.

My frozen state doesn’t stop my bitter laugh. It hurts but I’m powerless to stop it because even if I did follow her order I still fucked it up. I fuck everything up and now Tali will see it, he’ll know that I’m nothing after years of trying to convince me otherwise.

Rough fingers graze my jaw as he wraps his arm around my shoulders, but I lean away from him. The no-bullshit tone in my ear isn’t enough to force me to move as he snaps, “Anastasia, don’t.”

My laugh is prolonged at that one word. It’s always been said to me – don’t talk, don’t eat that, don’t wear that, don’t sit like that — don’t, don’t, fucking don’t.

I blink and swallow around the lump in my throat, making my voice rough and colder. “Don’t touch me.”

The warmth is slowly removed, and I sit back without looking away from the light casting shadows in the corner of the room. The dark lines from the window make a grid on the floor and wall so I count the squares as I wait until I can leave and drown alone as life has taught me to.

— ??? —

Vitali managed to pull clothes out of his ass so I’m not leaving the hospital naked. He remained silent during the scan, and when I changed. It’s new and uncomfortable, but he refuses to leave me alone: even when he was speaking to the nurse, he stayed at the threshold of the room with his eyes fixed on me. I move away from his hand as he tries to rest it against my lower back.

My stomach hurts but I force my spine to straighten despite the oversized sweats not fitting the usual image I project. Each step out of the hospital increases his tension while plunging me further into the cold; being around other people stops him from showing his emotions freely and I’ve become accustomed to having him to myself.

The large glass doors show the rusty truck isn’t parked at the front and my steps slow seeing the Triad’s Blade standing in wait. Lei Zhang isn’t looking at me, she’s staring at Vitali and my heart sinks seeing the Stidda’s soldiers behind her. Vitali moves closer to me, and I remain a step in front of him in the hopes the psycho doesn’t attack me to get to him for being in her territory. The alliance between the Stidda and Triad’s may be new but they’re not hurting him to prove their allegiance.

All three of them glare at us and she throws a set of keys to Tali as the automatic doors glide open. Her eyes are nearly black, and she crosses her arms over her chest, sounding as bored as she looks. “Just making sure you leave.”

He doesn’t limp or have any remnants of playfulness in his voice.

“I’ve paid my due. It’s at Noctem with your husband.”

She bristles and I’m sure she’s reaching for the knife at her hip when her two guards step forward, probably reminding her not to be fucking crazy since she has a habit of attacking first and killing anyone who asks questions later.

I keep myself between Lei and Vitali, so he doesn’t do anything to make the situation worse as she checks my hands for signs of initiation. She’s a weird fuck, but she has set principles about people in the life since she married into the Stidda, and she’s been forced to abide by their rules. Instead of anyone she didn’t like randomly disappearing, everyone within the criminal circles knows not to piss her off but I will become the biggest bitch on the planet if she tries to attack Vitali.

There’s no emotion on his face and he doesn’t show any care as he leaves me to get in the car myself. Once we’re away from their eyes he links our fingers together, pushing all his feeling into one hand, but we’re back in silence and I stare out of the window with unseeing eyes the entire drive. Emotion burns the back of my throat as Tali gently squeezes my hand and mutters, “You’re cold.”

The engine groans as he speeds up and there’s no other noise. He doesn’t slow down even though we pass the old restaurants he’s not allowed to visit since the agreement was put in place that he wouldn’t enter any of the Conglomerate’s territory. That hurts more because I’ve heard him grieve burgers, pizza, and every delicacy he loves and now he doesn’t even notice them.

He doesn’t stop until we reach Vartanov territory, and the car slows outside of an abandoned warehouse. It’s the one I’ve used with his brother, the one that Vlad keeps separate from the Bratva, so no one finds out what he likes to do in his spare time.

A na?ve part of me expects there to be a job to complete. But I look up, blink to clear my vision, and his brothers stand in wait with Dima. All three of them are pissed but it’s Valentin who has an outburst as we get out of the car.

“What the fuck happened? You just disappeared then end up with those cunts?!”

I have one foot out of the car when Vitali stiffens, his anger surpasses his frame, and he turns towards his brother with rage.

“Shut your fucking mouth for once.”

Vlad’s eyes come to me, and I dip my head, so I don’t burn on the spot as he warns, “Vitali. We’ll talk at home.”

All of them are angry. I’m the only person who wants to be invisible and I hunch my shoulders forward. It’s even more intense once I’m trapped in the car with them all. Vitali doesn’t let me sit on the seat and drags me up to his thigh. I’m stuck staring at the side of Valentin’s head while he has some argument with himself in the seat beside us. When he moves to look at me, or his brother, I drop my chin to my chest.

I’ve never been good with battling the rage of people I know; I’d run and hide from my mother. Lock myself away and avoid her for as long as possible hoping it goes away. The disappointment is worse than anger, it’s belittling and I’m not strong enough to withstand it as Dima catches my eyes through the rear-view mirror. He looks down at what I’m wearing then to Vlad who dismisses him while I sink inside myself.