23. Vitali

TWENTY-THREE

Vitali

H aving my woman sleep beside me has spoilt me. She’s deluded to think I won’t follow her since she’s decided to leave like a thief in the night. I pick up the ring that seems to always fall off her finger and magically find its way to my dresser before I get ready to go to her place.

All Stasi has to do is say she wants to sleep there instead of making me fucking chase her every other night.She keeps doing this shit and running away when she spends all of her time with me anyway. I thought we’d come to an agreement during our blissful morning surrounded by horse shit, but the woman is maddening.

My room still smells like her and I don’t waste any time as I leave. I need to find a way to keep her with me at all times and I sway between handcuffing her to me or buying a remote island and dropping us both on it without any means for escape. Knowing my girl, she’d fucking swim for miles just to be a pain in the ass. I’m not insane and stop to get us food before going to her house.

Her building is the best purchase I’ve ever made. She doesn’t need to know that I bought it from Dima. Unless I evict her. That could force her to keep her ass in my bed. Yeah, that could work. I try to plan it out as I pull up outside of it.

Her lights aren’t on so I take the elevator up to her floor and have the master key for her door ready. Once the doors open, I can’t stop my giddiness at waking up with her again. There’s shuffling behind the door when I reach it and I already have my hand on my knife when I step through. I flick the lights on to reveal whoever thinks they can break into my girl’s house and fucking survive. It only reveals Stasi standing opposite me with a gun in her hand. It falls when she sees me and her beautiful face scrunches with anger.

“I could have fucking shot you.”

But she didn’t and she wasn’t aiming at my head so I would have survived. That pisses me off, we’re going to have to go over some rules.

Her eyes dip to the takeout bag in my hand, her throat bobbing as she swallows, wanting to taste my guiltiest pleasure. I’ve tried getting her to eat with me and she always refuses, but I do it again and hold out a wrapped burger for her.

“Come on, sweetness, you make me self-conscious when I have to eat alone.”

Fuck, it’s the wrong thing to say because her face falls. I kick the door closed and erase the distance between us, dropping the bag on the table. I go to her and hold her face so I can fix whatever the fuck I did.

She closes her eyes and tries to regulate her breathing. I’ve seen her work, sit amongst the most depraved fuckers and then struggle to climb out of it. I press my lips to her crown without adding any pressure to her fracturing mind. She’s dressed in more layers than usual, increasing her armor, and she shakes against me. I can only see that shit in little spurts, a filtered window of bad but not the worst shit like she filters through.

Her voice comes out haunted and small, punishing herself when it’s not her fault, as she says, “I can’t find the house, but the audio files are online.”

She’s taking too much ownership of crimes that aren’t on her shoulders.I’m shit at the hacking stuff she does, but I still offer to look through it.

“Leave it with me, Asya. Have something to eat then go to sleep.”

Her smile comes out from my chest but she’s still shaking. My girl is sweet as fuck and holds her laugh back to press her lips to my jaw. I try to get her lips on mine, but she moves her head back with an excuse. “I’m on my period, want my mouth?”

There’s no reluctance in her offer, but I just want to be with her, my dick can spend one night without stimulation. My voice is low, uncertain how she’ll react as I ask, “I don’t want to fuck you, can you just be with me?”

She pointedly presses her hips into mine and raises a brow, making me correct myself.

“Okay, I always want to fuck you. But I want to be with you more. Why did you leave?”

She relaxes and strokes up my nape as we stand in the dark with the muted light coming through the window.

“I need to find it, Tali, sometimes when I dream, I can hear them. Their little voices are begging for help, and I don’t know who else has heard them, but I can bet my life that the sick fucks are getting off on it, not being haunted by them. If I don’t help them, then their begging is entertainment, and they don’t deserve that. No one does.”

I nod and take a deep breath. It’s fucked up and heartbreaking, I don’t want her near it, but I can’t stop her when it’s the right thing to do. I pick her up and grab our food to go to her little hacking cave. The room is even darker and colder than it was last time. There’s still nothing comfortable in the space and the low lights from the singular screen she’s using make it appear more sinister. Thankfully, there are no images shown as she has a program running to find a location. Sitting in the middle of the room, I place her on my thigh with her back to my chest and she changes one of the monitors to play the sequel of my comfort slasher while the program runs.

I’ll die trying to get her to eat and I can feel her watching me unwrap the burger. I place it at her lips without looking at her and wait. She’s getting better with trying things and not being as rigid, but it’s a battle and her argument is bullshit.

“The wedding is in two days. I won’t fit into my dress.”

I’ll buy her a new one that her cunt mother didn’t pick out to make her feel uncomfortable and Stasi actually wants to fucking wear.

“It’s a burger, malysh, not a banquet. You won’t even notice it.”

She’s hungry I can feel it in her stare. She usually watches me rather than the food, and my tone comes out bored while anticipation snakes around me, hoping she picks the right option.

“I’ll give you an hour of no talking if you eat it.”

Either way I win, she can complain about my mouth, but my girl always smiles and answers my questions now. Huffing playfully, she takes it from my hand and settles against me, watching the slasher. It takes every morsel of control in my body not to open my mouth when she moans, and I shove my own food in to trap it. I’d choke on my fist if I needed to because she’s my perfect woman.

I finish before her and wipe my greasy fingers on her cheek, she turns rigid and looks at my hand with disgust. Cleaning her cheek with a napkin and an apology has her going cold.

“My bad, it’s a habit. I’d always do it to Dani.”

We were dumbass kids and she’d act like it was gross while we watched movies, but Stasi deflates and tries to move away from me. It’s not even a big fucking deal, I’ll wash her face, and she uses all my products, so she’ll be fine.

The small uncertain voice leaving her has me smiling with realization.

“Did you and Dani ever...”

She doesn’t say the word and I smile wider at her jealousy. My girl who doesn’t give a fuck about anything is fucking jealous. Val would have my balls if I ever touched his wife, even if she was mine first and the thought of fucking my best friend isn’t one I can entertain unless it was one of our childish petty games.

“Never have, never would,” I say easily.

She slept in my bed for years and we never crossed a line. Life would have been easier if I could think of Dani like that, I’d have everything I wanted by now but in my head she’s not really a girl, she’s just Dani.

Disbelief coats Stasi’s features and she pushes against my shoulder, searching my eyes as she asks, “So, you never even thought about it? She’s beautiful and you’re close as fuck.”

I’m 100% sure Dani would rather boil herself in bleach than ever fuck me and I’d chop my dick off before it touched her. It’s not about physical attraction when she’s beautiful and so am I. Pulling my girl to sit back against me, my hand automatically goes to her stomach, and I hide it in the pocket of her hoodie as I say, “We used to sleep in the same bed, and nothing ever happened. We’ve been friends since we were six, so it definitely wouldn’t, and she was family before she ever married Val. That prick stole my best friend.”

She doesn’t believe me, and I stretch my hand out, imagining my life being exactly how I want it as I hesitantly give her the family secret.

“Did Vanya tell you everything about Vlad?”

I can feel her tense under my hand, and she doesn’t look at me as she meekly answers. “Just that he’s her dad and Yulia planned it.”

I nod and attempt to process the complexity of every emotion regarding the situation of my family.

“You know I have theories on life and shit,” I say and she nods. “One of them was that I had a sister, I couldn’t explain it, but it turns out that missing part I always felt wasn’t a sister, it was Vanya. It’s fucked up and dysfunctional, but it never made sense until we found out about her.”

Stasi looks up at me and smiles softly. “So, you filled the gap with your friendship?”

I nod and feel the need to justify myself. “I love Dani, but I will never be in love with her, she’s family.”

She relaxes and strokes her fingers through my hair. Despite half of her face being covered by shadows it’s the most open she’s ever been as she whispers, “You scare me sometimes.”

I don’t move, or breathe, at the confession. The last thing I would ever do is hurt her. I’m aware of my reputation, and that of my family, but she has to know she’s safe with us.

Stasi takes too long to speak and her voice lowers further as she says, “I think you’re the most dangerous person I’ll ever meet, and I’ll end up hurting you.”

My voice lowers to match her volume, but it doesn’t mute my conviction. “You will never hurt me.”

I’m sure I’ve finally got through to her until she deflects with a smirk. “Question, you and Zidane?”

We’ve settled into a routine of asking each other dumb shit and Stasi’s eyes light up at the thought of me fucking Zidane’s ugly ass. I shake my head and watch her while she thinks up on her list, she’s fucking stunning, especially when she lets herself show. We forget about the movie as she hesitates, asking, “Do you still fuck people together?”

I haven’t touched anyone since our arrangement changed from occasional to regular fucking then wanting her in my bed every night.

Combing my fingers through her hair, I trace her features and there’s more depth to my answer than intended. “Only you.”

Her soft voice floats between us, weighted with meaning as she strokes my cheek with fear in her eyes. “What do you want with me, Tali?”

Everything. Anything. Fuck I don’t even fucking know other than I need Stasi, she makes life easy and she’s a bigger presence than the loneliness. I copy her, staring into her eyes as I ask, “Will you give me it if I tell you?”

I’m begging her to say yes, to just give in and fuck everyone else’s fucking opinions. Her mother’s joy at being tied to me shouldn’t factor into it. No one would give her shit or look at her with anything other than respect like she deserves even without me. But I’ll amplify her true image if they don’t.

Tears well against her bottom lashes, and a sniffle comes out before she breaks my fucking heart. “I can’t, you deserve more.”

One tear tracks down her cheek, clinging to her lip and my chest cracks.Wiping it away with my thumb, I press my lips to her forehead and try to organize my thoughts to get her to see herself how I do. “There’s nothing better than you, Anastasia.”

She never says she doesn’t want things, only that she’s not worth them. It’s the type of thought process only a bitch of a mother can implant into your head. It’s a theory I had when I was younger that’s proven right in everything. Horror movies are the perfect example: a masked psycho kills people and it always reveals a male. Psychological warfare takes a woman’s touch. When they’re combined it’s fucking lethal, you don’t die but you never truly live.

She lets me be here rather than pushing me away and each step is hard won, but I’ll never stop. My girl wraps her arms around my waist and lays her head on my shoulder, so I use it as an opportunity to change the conditioning she’s had as I press my lips to her ear and whisper, “You’re so beautiful, inside and out, that you fucking inspire me. Some days I just want to escape the world and take you with me. Others, I have this urge to show you off because having someone like you makes me more. We all have voices in our heads, and you silence mine.”

“What voices do you have?”

I trace her features and rest my forehead on hers as I give her my weakness. “The same as yours, shitty parents have a way of never really dying.”

The reflections coming from the screen show tears filling her eyes as she speaks so quietly I wouldn’t hear her if we weren’t attached to each other. “Did they hurt you, Tali?”

There’s one secret that no one knows, not even my brothers because they’re psychos who only feel anything for our family and my tone is serious for once as I ask, “Can I trust you?”

There’s no hesitance as she nods.

“When Vlad fought overnight he’d take us with him. If it was during the day, we’d stay home because we had school and in his words, he didn’t want us to be dumb fucks. Since we already knew to run out of the house and go to the church if he wasn’t there, it wasn’t really that big of a deal and the priest would give us cookies until Vlad came home.”

My voice lowers and I pull her closer.

“One time Anika picked me up from school early, she didn’t get Val for some reason. He probably ignored the bitch, he was good at that. She could be standing right in front of him and he’d just stare through her until she fucked off. But I was a dumb fuck and I’d engage her, thinking she’d be a normal mother. I’m not even sure why I wanted her to be, all I do know is that other kids would get picked up by their parents and we were young enough that we needed our hand held when we crossed the road. Vlad would hold the hood on our coats so we didn’t run off, but…” I trail off, realizing how stupid it is.

My girl softly says, “But you wanted someone to hold your hand.”

I nod and continue, “Yeah, so I went with her.”

Stasi doesn’t blink or breathe, and I quickly set her at ease.

“It’s not what you’re thinking, nothing happened to me. She took me to a movie, and it was the first time I’d ever watched one. I can’t even remember which one it was now. It was some black-and-white shit and I hugged the seat in front of me, waiting for there to be some color.”

Stasi smiles and whispers, “That’s why you like slashers.”

She’s making her own theories like I do. I’m slowly brainwashing her to be mine whether she admits it or not, her own thoughts are changing and soon she won’t be able to go a second without me being the loudest voice in her mind, battling the toxic bitch that gave birth to her.

“We had popcorn,” I say, “and she even held my hand when we crossed the street. But when we left we didn’t go home, and she was so excited, telling me how I’ll be in a movie too. Vlad had spent years drilling into our heads that no one is allowed to touch us. I was young and I can’t really remember that shit fully other than when we’d go to the bathroom he’d point at our underpants and say that it’s a secret place. Sometimes he’d go through the rules while he was getting us dressed and he’d ask us if we were allowed to take off each item of clothing. I remembered his instructions that if anyone tries to take our clothes off we have to hurt them, shout really loud, and then he’ll buy us whatever we want. So, when she went to some weird fucker’s house and…”

I’m sure she’s not breathing, and she doesn’t even blink as I try to remember the details clearly. It was the first instance of me losing time and I can recall all the details of the house we entered but I have no idea how I got home.

“And when we were inside she asked me if I wanted to have a nap, which was weird because that bitch didn’t look after us. I was tired from eating all the popcorn, so I just nodded but then her and the creepy fucker tried to take my clothes off, so I did what Vlad told me to.”

I think I did anyway.

Her smile is full of pride, and she kisses my cheek before asking, “What did he buy you?”

He’ll probably kick my ass if he finds out I’ve told anyone how human he is, but I’m not going to lie to my girl.

“A life. I don’t remember leaving the house or killing the fucker, I just remember everyone screaming and Vlad had his hand wrapped around Anika’s throat while Len threatened him with something. I was in the bath and the water was all red, I thought it was bubbles but it was on my hands too. I started drawing pictures on the tiles because we’d always trace his tattoos when they began arguing. He took us out of school the next day and we were never left home alone again, then we moved and now I’ve got you. So really, it all happened to lead me here.”

I can’t even remember the lie that I told my brother while he quizzed me for months. The asshole would hold my cookies hostage until I repeated it all. Vlad never allowed the topic to drop, and Val would copy him when we were alone. Neither of us understood the deeper meaning behind Vlad’s worry, we just knew it was bad and I think Len said he had me fight someone. But my true life began with me taking someone else’s and I will never feel remorse over that shit. I should have killed Anika, Vlad probably would have given me every penny he’s earned since then in thanks.

My girl is sweet as fuck and hugs me, her arms wrapped around my shoulders, and her lips brush my jaw as she whispers, “You deserve everything, luchik, and I’m glad the bitch is dead.”

She doesn’t let go until her program beeps showing there are no results and sighs deeply as she closes her eyes. I pick her up before she can obsess over it and carry her to bed.

It’s fucking with her head because she doesn’t stop me getting her ready when she hates being cared for. And she doesn’t get pissed at me throwing her cushions on the floor. She grabs my hand and pulls me down to lay beside her as he curls in on herself. I can’t hold her throat with her facing me and compromise by cupping her nape instead as I lay beside her.

She’s exhausted and I shouldn’t be so happy about it but it means she’s too tired to argue with herself as she wraps her arm around me to pull herself closer. I don’t speak as I watch her, waiting for her to fall asleep so I can see what she looks like when she’s peaceful.

Her face twists in pain and a small murmur is trapped in her throat. I don’t know whether it’s a dream or physical pain until she presses her hand flat to her stomach and tucks her knees up.

“Shh, it’s okay, malysh,” I whisper as I kiss her crown and gently move her hand away. She’s not in deep sleep so I relax her and lightly massage her stomach as she turns onto her back.

As soon as her face softens and her breathing shallows, I know she’s knocked out, but I still test it as I whisper, “Hey, Stas, I wiped my ass on one of your cushions.”

There’s no reaction and I wait five minutes to make sure she won’t wake up as I continue massaging her stomach, waiting to tell her everything.

“You said that I scare you, but you scare me too. I’ve never been possessive over anyone. I don’t really give a fuck what they do. Not with you though, I need you to stay with me.”

She sleeps weird as fuck, there’s no sound or movement and I prop my head on my fist as I watch her at peace for the first time since I’ve known her. Beauty isn’t the deciding factor of my obsession with Stasi, it definitely helps because she’s magnificent. We’re also going to have ugly kids if my theory is right, but they can be our little uggos.

Or if my theory is wrong, she can give me a daughter who is exactly like her, and the true Stasi can flourish. We’ll raise her to be the version of her mother who had everything she needed, no negative voices and to be sweet as fuck like my girl is deep down.