Chapter Three

Zhi Hao listened as his beautiful neighbor found her cousin. He smiled at their teasing conversation—what little he could hear—knowing it was a sign of a happy family. The girls, at least, enjoyed each other.

It reminded him of his own home, where his sisters would poke and harass each other. Even when their fights seemed vicious to him, they always ended up as friends. And as usual, he felt a pang of longing.

No brother had teased him growing up. No sister had treated him with affection. Whenever they tried, they were hushed or sent away. He was the smart son. He was the one who would bring the Ko family into prominence. He was the one who would pass the imperial exam, become a magistrate, and bring fame and fortune to them all.

Or so his grandfather had decreed.

Zhi Hao had certainly taken advantage of that in his youth. He had taken the choice meats at the table, teased his sisters cruelly because he knew there would be no repercussions. Until the day he realized the cost of being a smart son.

Hours of study. Tutors who explained with their fists. And the steady weight of a family on the verge of starvation because all the money went to pay for his tutors.

Sure, he got to eat chicken, but if he made a mistake memorizing a Confucian classic, the disappointment in his grandmother's face burned down to his soul. And that was nothing compared to the times when his mother served him the chicken by saying, "Tonight you get meat because tomorrow you will fund your sisters' dowries."

Tomorrow, meaning after he passed the imperial exam, after he got a good appointment, and after his salary paid not only for his own food and lodging but there'd be enough coin for his sisters to marry well while his parents and grandparents lived in luxury.

It wasn't possible. No one except those in the highest levels of government could afford as much. He had done the math based on what salaries he had discovered. But he still had hope. And so he was here studying for the last month before he took the exam.

Still, he couldn't help smiling at the sound of the two women talking. Their words added a rush of family feeling to the already hot lust that was burning through him.

This wasn't the first time that a beautiful woman had stirred his loins. There had been many girls who were willing to attach themselves to him in the hopes that he would pass the exam. But all of his tutors had been adamant that women were distractions. He could marry once he passed the exam. His father had said the only women he should be thinking of were his two sisters. He needed to provide for them before he found a woman of his own.

But most difficult of all were his mother's words. Whenever his mind had wandered, whenever a pretty girl had passed by, she'd found a way to change the way he was thinking. Her blows had been sharp and painful. And then she'd remind him, "Your fortune is in your mind, not your jiji."

He could not get aroused without remembering her words. And so, he listened to the women chatter, he felt his aching erection, and he thought of home.

How he missed them. How he missed the laughter and the love that came with all the guilt.

How long had it been since he'd allowed himself to feel anything? For years now, his life had been spent in study, in memorization, and in the creation of black ink on parchment. Words from his own head, not feelings that burned through his body, gave his blood substance as it pumped, and desires that brought color to a life lived in black and white.

Now, one month from his final examination, he'd thought he was immune to the calling of his body. Need was burned away in the warrior exercises he performed by moonlight.

Then a woman quite literally fell from the sky into his arms. And suddenly, his body was alive again, his eyes saw color, and all his senses focused on a single gorgeous girl.

Her scent lingered in his mind, especially that split second when she had fallen into his arms. He could not imagine a more erotic moment, and his mouth had watered in a way that he had not felt since his adolescence.

Soon, he told himself, he would be in a position to find a wife. Soon he would have an appointment, a salary, and enough coin to support himself, his sisters, and eventually his own children.

How he wanted that, but it could not be now. First, he had to pass the exam.

He forced himself to go to bed. He climbed into his narrow pallet and thought of the girl next door. He thought of his future. And he wrapped his hand around his jiji and dreamed of the life he would have.

Soon.

*

In the morning,his life returned to black and white. Master Gao glared at him over a breakfast of steamed boa. Food which was not offered to Zhi Hao.

"You will have no food at the exam," the master said. "Best get used to an empty belly now."

That wasn't exactly true. Zhi Hao would have no food during the three-day exam except what he brought with him. Since nearly all his money was given as payment to Master Gao, perhaps that truly meant he would have nothing to eat.

That meant he would need to steal whatever he could, hiding the food away until his exam was finished. He felt no guilt at this. Master Gao was supposed to supply his food. If the man forgot, then Zhi Hao was merely being proactive in obtaining it for himself.

Or so he told himself. In truth, after last night, nothing would stop him from passing the imperial exam. He needed a life in color, and the only way to get it was to become a high ranking official in the government. Soon he would see the end of this long road, and then he could think about a woman. Last night's woman, to be exact. One month more, and he could have it all.

He was so happy at the thought that Master Gao shot him a side-eyed look.

"Stop grinning like a fool. If you look like a fool, you will be graded as a fool."

"I am excited to be here," Zhi Hao responded. "Now I am assured to pass the exam."

"Don't be an idiot. Do you know how many people apply every year? And how few pass?"

He did. Less than two percent of applicants passed the exam, and every one of those failures looked just like him. Smart children whose family had poured all their riches into their boy's education. Only the sons who had parents already blessed as officials took the spots reserved for the best and the brightest. But lest the entire country revolt, there were always a few poor children who found a place among the exalted.

Zhi Hao would be one of them. He knew it for certain because he had been told as much in a dream. An angel had come to him and said he was one of the lucky ones.

It was precious little to base one's entire life on, but he hadn't been the only one who dreamed such a thing. His mother had too, on the very same night. The local soothsayer confirmed it the next day, which meant all the family money had gone into his education.

He would achieve the dream given to him by an angel! And then he would look to the girl next door.

"I am ready to learn," he repeated to Master Gao. And he was. He ignored his grumbling stomach and prepared to memorize every word the man had to say.

The master stared at him, a grumpy expression on his face.

"Your attitude is good," he intoned. "Your belief in yourself, however, is misplaced."

He sighed. He'd had one dream where an angel told him he was blessed. He'd had a thousand more nightmares where he slept through the exam and never again had the chance to prove himself. Or he began to write answers and everything came out as chicken scratches. Or he was running to the exam only to find the doors locked and all latecomers turned away.

"But perhaps you are one of the special ones," Master Gao allowed. "Tell me what you know about Mencius. Compare his beliefs to Xunzi." Then he folded his arms as he leaned back. "And then tell me what you believe and why."

And here, Zhi Hao grinned even wider. Two nights ago, Ling Xin had warned him to study Mencius. She'd said she'd heard her brothers talking about their studies when she was younger. And so, she was able to tell him that Master Gao had harsh opinions of the man as compared to Xunzi. Thanks to her, he was prepared for today's instructions. And what woman knew Mencius's name, much less was able to help him prepare his answers?

His nighttime lady impressed him. She also absorbed more and more of his thoughts which was a problem he could not afford.

"Are you listening?" Master Gao bellowed at him.

"Yes, Master Gao. You believe Xunzi had man's brutal nature correct."

"I think men are beasts if their minds are allowed to wander. Like yours is!"

"Yes, Master Gao. I will devote myself to your instruction."

He meant it. He needed to focus and not daydream about Ling Xin. One might think it useless to study beneath anyone who had failed the imperial exam—as was Master Gao's case—but those who passed were busy in governmental positions. Therefore, the only educators were the ones who failed. And indeed, this would be Zhi Hao's fate if his dreams did not come true. He would eke out a living teaching other hopeful students while his own chance had passed.

As the day wore on, Zhi Hao was berated at every turn for his lack of understanding. It didn't hurt him. It only made him more determined to not end up like the bitter, cruel Master Gao.

Fortunately, the teacher had to sleep sometime. And in the nighttime quiet, Zhi Hao waited for his reward.