4. Inessa

My devious teddy bear has covered me with the robe laid over me like a blanket and my head is resting against his heart as I stare up at him. I don't make the mistake of commenting on his looks again. He has a mirror so knows and whatever fucked up place it sent him to last time won't be revisited because of me.His heart is still beating erratically as he gently threads his fingers through my hair to massage my scalp. I'm wrapped in him, and he picks my legs up to place them over his thigh before slightly reclining in his seat. It's not enough to be vertical, just enough so I'm comfortable and my head naturally falls in the perfect position to stare at him.

I think I'm falling in love with the devil.

Having Vlad is like owning the sun, it's never going to be obtainable, and I'll only burn myself in the process. But without him, it's too dark and not sustainable for life.

I kiss his chest so I can feel his heartbeat against my lips. His fingers massaging my scalp pause and his eyes soften. His hands are rough as he cups my cheek, his thumb massaging against my jaw with the perfect amount of pressure that would be uncomfortable if he were to do it slightly harder.

I want him. Not just a title, I want him. I want everything and for this to be real. So, I torture myself and whisper, "Have you ever been in love?"

But he hears me, and I don't know what answer I'd prefer. One where there's some faceless person who experienced what I never will or confirmation that he's not capable of the emotion. The usual hard edge comes back as he answers too easily.

"No."

I focus on his chest and trace his tattoos as I attempt to settle my heart and break it at the same time.

"So, you've never loved anyone?"

The pause is too long. My mind prolongs it, slowing time down when he only has two acceptable answers. No or me.

Why do we ask questions to hurt ourselves? It's like there's some innate desire for pain. You get told not to touch the fire, and it becomes all you can focus on until the flames lick your skin. That's what I'm doing now, I can see the flames dancing after they've warned me they'll burn, but I want to sit inside of them.I need to sit there because I've foolishly allowed myself to believe that there's a chance they won't hurt me. Fire isn't sentient, Vlad is, and his damage won't leave a scar. It will shatter me into a million pieces.

Kissing my temple, he hugs me closer, and hope wraps itself around me along with his arms.

"That's not what you asked." I look up like a foolish idiot. Only to watch as he kills that hope. "You asked if I've been inlove. That means there was a time I didn't love the person."

It's not enough for my hope to die, he crumbles the ashes with gentle hands stroking my back, and his voice is the softest it's ever been.

"Anyone who has the love I'm capable of has had it since I met them. There's never been a time they weren't my responsibility and under my protection."

His rigid mind assigns jobs to feelings. Everything serves a purpose rather than enjoyment and he shrugs when I point out, "That's a responsibility, not love."

I only focus on the examples I've seen as I argue, "No, it's not, you love your family, and you soften for them. You allow them everything they need to be who they are."

Cupping my nape, he tilts my head up and gives me insight to his beautiful brain and heart.

"Because it is my responsibility, and I will protect who they are. Not an image of who I want them to be."

I sit up and kiss his cheek for proving that I'm right. He's not mercilessly cruel, we have hope however delusional or misplaced it is. He may never love me, but at least our child will have a good father. Maybe not a good role model, but he won't force them into constraints and deny them like I've witnessed my entire life.

The belt is useless to cover myself, so I cross my arms so I'm not flashing anyone. He holds the loops at the side and pulls me closer with his smirk back on his handsome face.

"Where do you think you're going, meelaya?"

He's hard again, and I stare. I can't look away for some reason, I've seen his dick multiple times, but he's never been this relaxed before. He's never allowed me to do whatever I want without saying something dumb.

I don't let my hands go to his biceps as I stroke along his shoulders, or my resolve will disappear. The smirk is deeper when I look back up and I cut off the arrogant shithead.

"I'd love to fuck you again, but I have things to do."

His laugh is full of disbelief as he parts my robe and holds my hips, rocking me against the air yet somehow stoking my lust.

"You fucked me? I'm sure everyone heard my name being screamed not the other way around."

I should smack him in the face, just once to see if it will reset his brain to work correctly and not say stupid shit.

I already know I'm going to pay for my mouth as I lean down, but I can't stop myself.

"I'll scream someone else's next time, lapachka."

He abruptly pulls me forward and locks his legs around mine as his hand whips out, holding my throat. The momentum has me half laying on him and my hands slip from his shoulder. Grabbing my wrists in one hand, Vlad holds them at my back, and his tone is deadly.

"Try it, meelaya. It will become extinct, and you'll forget your own name because you're so full of me."

His threat shouldn't make me rub my thighs together.Twisting my wrists to disguise the reason for my fidgeting, a dark laugh touches my cheek, and he kisses up my neck to my ear.

"Don't play games, moya koroleva, you won't like the outcome."

There's a fucked up part of me that loves when he's covered in blood, seeing the violence in him painted on his skin for everyone to see, and knowing that it will never touch me. It's intoxicating because it shows I have power while we both refuse to admit it.

Biting my neck, he sucks the sensitive skin between his teeth and the deep rumble vibrates through his chest to mine as he copies my taunt. "Anything you give away, I'll take back with interest."

My eyes snap open as he loosens his hold on me, and he stands, bringing me with him. He doesn't let go of my neck, but it's not restricting, and his thumb is gentle, stroking down the column of my throat.

He doesn't say anything else and closes my robe while my arms limply hang at my sides. Picking up my limbs, he folds them over my chest and kisses my forehead. As soon as his lips leave my skin, he steps back into the detached person he was. The little moments are killing me, they highlight who he really is but never allows himself to be.I should be grateful when I'm already falling for him and accepting the coldness he has. If he was the gentle, caring Vlad he allows in snippets all the time, the organ responsible for keeping me alive would have his name on every inch.

* * *

I promisedViktor a cake and it looks like someone has invaded the kitchen and destroyed every shiny surface in my attempts to fulfill it. I'm trying to avoid staring at the cut on his face, but he's too intuitive and licks the mousse off the spatula before calling me out.

"You can look if you want. Dad said I can't touch it, but it gets itchy sometimes."

Wrapping my arm around his shoulders, I pull him to my side and kiss his crown. He's a little boy who shouldn't have even a scratch on him, never mind fucking stitches.It doesn't mean anything that he seems to be adjusting well, too well, to everything, and I rest my cheek on top of his crown.

"Does it hurt?"

I wince at my question like I know the answer, but he smiles up at me. "No, just itches. Like a tattoo." He continues cleaning the spatula before adding, "I'm going to get one when I'm older. Vlad said I have to be eighteen, and I'm not allowed anything stupid."

I let him have the bowl with cake mix stuck to the sides as we wait for it to set and listen to his retelling of what has been deemed stupid tattoos.

"No words I don't know. I have to be able to spell everything myself, and no names. Oh, and Tali said no butterflies because he had to get one when he lost a bet."

I prefer listening to him talk about the future, even though he's not freaking out or reacting to the violence he's seen, I keep imagining how terrified he must have been. So, I use him to stop me thinking about it.

"What tattoo will you get first? A kot?"

It's usually the first sign of initiation that every little Bratva boy dreams of getting. But he slowly shakes his head and looks up at me with chocolate on his face and a wide smile.

"No, I'm going to get a big V at the front of my neck, so everyone knows I'm a Vartanov."

This family act as though they own the letter. They'd wage wars with the dictionary if they ever saw one.

Viktor drops the spatula in the bowl to dig around in his pocket. When he pulls out his fist, there's a small glint of metal, but it's too small to be a knife. The gold ring would easily fit two of his little fingers as he tries it on and holds his hand in the air.

"Don't tell Tali I took it out of his room. Dad has a chain, and Vlad has his cufflinks, but I might just keep this."

As if he can hear his nephew talking about stealing from him, Vitali walks into the kitchen and tries to steal the bowl from Viktor. Slapping his hand away, I taunt him, feeling like he's my kid brother, so Viktor has enough time to hide his stolen goods.

"Where's your butterfly?"

His hands are covered in ink, his rankings are all over his arms and hands. But I can't imagine a delicate insect fitting in with them. Being a dickhead, he holds the waistband of his shorts and raises a brow, "My ass, want to see it?"

I'd rather rub salt in my eyes than see his bare ass.

It turns into a family affair as Val stalks in with Dani and joins the conversation.

"It's on his hip, he even has it colored in to be all pretty."

Tali pulls his waistband down to expose his hip, showing a mix of purples, blues, and pink on his skin. It's done impeccably and it takes too long to realize I'm basically staring at his groin. Dani nips the skin near his tattoo and pouts at him.

"And you still didn't get my name?"

I love every single one of these people and they're my family. It doesn't even matter whatever happens between Vlad and me because that's separate to the rest of the Vartanovs. Clapping my hands together when their arguing becomes insufferable, I extend my voice like I'm speaking to children.

"Everyone sit down and shut up or you don't get any cake."

The supposed adults stare at me wide eyed while Viktor takes his seat. Speaking slowly, they form one sentence between the three of them.

"Freaky as fuck." Tali starts with Val picking up, "He's made her like him." Dani is standing between them, nodding, and sounds haunted as she says, "It's like we're kids again."

I ignore them and go to the fridge to take out the cake. I'm cutting Viktor the biggest slice and it has Vitali shaking away his thoughts like he's a child. He attempts to snatch the plate and crowds my side when I move it away from him.

"Come on, mother, I'm a growing boy."

I hit the back of his hand with the spatula extra hard for his stupid joke that I'm anything like that bitch. He tries to give me puppy dog eyes, but I stare back blankly, and he huffs, "For fuck's sake, you're worse than Vlad."

I don't know why but pride fills me, and I stand straighter, feeding the animals after giving Viktor and Dani their plates.

Cutting one final slice for Vlad, all four of them speak at the same time, stopping me going towards his office.

"Vlad doesn't eat cake."

He doesn't fucking eat anything. It's worrying that I've never seen my husband have a meal. He'll drink tea on a morning but never eat anything. The man survives on nothing other than his humorous rage and whatever ice manages to melt in his liquor for hydration.

I take my seat and set the plate where Vlad usually sits. He never spends time with his family. It's always a hundred miles per hour, moving from one thing to the next like he's allergic to comfort in any form. Emotion sours the chocolate on my spoon. Vlad has made himself an island, no one can get close to him because he won't allow it, and even now, full of fucking holes, he's probably sat in his office, working on his plan to take over the world like it means anything.

Dariya and Grandfather gave me a place where I could be myself. A home so I wouldn't need to keep up the facade every single minute of my existence because it's exhausting to have to think all the time. But I'm married to someone who won't give that to himself. He's given it to the people sitting around me. They're all able to experience genuine happiness because he's protected them.

Keeping my head down so they can't see my internal spiral, Vitali moves closer and wraps his arm around my shoulders. He doesn't say anything to me, just giving silent support but appearing lazy in the way he does it. When my eyes no longer burn, I look back up and there's no sad smiles or attention on me, making me grow in gratitude. This is what family is, you don't need to say shit. You're just there.

Or it was until the little shit tries to literally steal the food on my plate. Battling Vitali, I elbow him in the ribs. It's not even about the food. It's the fucking principle. Elbowing him harder when he doesn't stop, I'm as immature as him, arguing over cake.

"There's more on the counter. Stop being lazy."

Viktor and Dani don't say anything, moving their plates closer and eating like it's a prison with an arm in front of them.

Pushing his weight into me, he acts like a prick.

"You're closer and get me another slice when you cut yours."

He continues pushing me, and my fist tightens around the fork, ready to stab him when Val gets up. I expect him to help me, but he just wipes his mouth, kisses his son's head, then walks away.

"Thanks for your help, asshole," I shout at his back, but he continues walking away.

Tali pushes more of his weight into me and attempts to garner sympathy, seeing force isn't working.

"I'm injured, and you're the woman of the house. It's your job to do this shit."

Dani's mumbles oh shit under her breath as I slowly turn my head, feeling deathly cold come over me.

"Say that again, and you'll have more injuries."

He has the sense to shut his mouth, and he smiles at me from ear to ear, amused at pissing me off. I'm glad I was an only child now; I couldn't imagine having to put up with someone's shit and being forced to protect them.

Gritting my teeth when he keeps pushing me, I manage to give a warning to the actual child in the room.

"Viktor, cover your ears."

He does it straight away, and I try to lower my voice just in case he can still hear.

"Get off me, you dickhead."

Tali freezes, but I'm half off my seat when the deadly voice bounces off the walls.