26. Vlad

13 years old

My ribs are fractured, or broke, I can feel it burning when I breathe, and the cold air doesn't help as I walk to the neighbor's house. I can't remember her name. Anika just calls her a whore, but I don't think that will win me any favors when I need her to help me. She'll help, women like babies. They stop in the street to hold them and she's older.

I knock on her door, I watch for Len or Anika, they shouldn't be home for one hour. I can get help if she watches Valyusha and Vitya.

The door opens and I try to smile, but my body aches and she glares at me. Stupid old bitch.

"Can you watch the kids for one hour? I'll keep Anika busy the next time you want Len to come to your house."

Make deals, don't beg.

She looks at me like I'm a piece of shit, then spits out, "Get away. You rotten boy."

The door slams in my face.Fuck her. The next time Anika tries to send Len to her house I won't stop her. She deserves to be hurt now.

I only have one hour and stop myself from beating the shit out of her and knock again. She's too happy about having control, but Vanya needs me. I can do this, for her.

"One hour, I'll do whatever you want. They'll stay asleep."

Her smile gets wider, and she looks me up and down. I know she's going to ask for the same thing everyone wants. My skin crawls and I ignore the way my stomach hurts as I give in.

"After the one hour, I'll even stay in your house. All night."

I silently apologize to Vanya for breaking my promise not to be dirty anymore.

I promised her when I first saw her in the hospital that I'd make sure they stop, that she would never be ashamed of her papa. But she's too sick and she's not getting better.

No, she'll get better, she just needs medicine.

She still smiles, she'll be okay. I repeat it three times in my head and the neighbor keeps looking me up and down. I can't take all three babies with me. They won't have anywhere to sleep, and I can't carry them all at the same time. Valyusha never likes holding my leg when we walk places and Vitya is too young. I just need her to watch them before Anika and Len get home, one hour, that's it. One hour and I can take Vanya to the doctor, and he'll see what's wrong with her.

But the neighbor smirks and looks over my shoulder before she curses, "Chuski." She doesn't slam the door in my face and a car pulls up behind me. I don't need to turn to know who it is with Anika's voice already reaching my ears.

"What is he doing?"

She's going to think I'm earning money without telling her. She's already angry since I stopped everything the day I brought Vanya home. I can't do it anymore with Vanya sleeping in my room. The drugs don't work, and Valyusha was staring right at me during the last time. He was only a baby, but he knew, he knows how dirty I am.

Heavy-booted footsteps move up the path, but I don't move. She just needs to say yes, and I'll run, I'll be back in thirty minutes if I run. Vanya likes hiding in my coat, so she'll be happy too. The steps come closer, and a harsh hand grabs my nape, pulling me into Len's side. He stinks of smoke, like Piotr, but I stand tall and don't let anything show.

Don't be weak.

He digs his fingers into my muscle. I'm nearly the same height as him now and I've been training for the fights, so I've got muscle too.

"What did he want?" Len asks her while looking at me.

The neighbor opens the door wider, inviting him in, and he doesn't let go of me. I don't want to see him fuck her. I already feel sick from the amount of times Anika forces me to stand at the window while pointing out what movements she taught him. I'll never allow Vanya to even see me shirtless, she won't know what it's like to be repulsed by her papa and I'll never hurt her.

I don't react as we step into the house. I turn to the side, looking out of the window towards our house. Anika stands watching us. She's not near the door of my bedroom, so the babies are okay. As long as she's stood there, they're okay and as long as I stay here, she'll stand there watching. At least her hands aren't between her legs like she used to do with the others. The neighbor speaks and her voice is all high pitched through her lie.

"He was trying to seduce me. Can you believe that? Why would I want the cub when I have the lion?"

Bullshit.

She always looks at my face, I know what that means. No one looks at my face unless they want me to fuck them. It's what Anika used to say to me when I was younger, when I used to cry, and it hurt — it hurts because you're so beautiful. One day no one will look at my face again, other than the babies, they're the ones who I'll allow to.

Len tightens his hand around my nape and doesn't let go as he grabs the neighbor's hip, pulling her closer. He keeps his hand on me while he whispers his filth in her ear, and she giggles like she's not old as fuck and his wife isn't watching. She's not going to help me, and time is running out, they won't leave the house again and they won't help me either. My finger wants to shake, but I force my hands to be steady, so Len doesn't notice. It's a weakness, everything is, and he'll end up breaking my fingers again if he sees.

They start kissing and he finally takes his hand off me. I turn around and walk out with my spine straight, so I don't look weak. Anika is still stood in the window and her eyes burn through me.

I quickly mask my features from showing the ache in my ribs before going to our house. I can put Vanya in my coat, Valyusha can go on my back, and I'll carry Vitya in my arms. If he's still asleep, I think he can go in a gym bag, yeah then I can carry all three of them. We'll go to the doctor, and I can take them with me when Len and Anika start fucking each other.

No, what if he suffocates?

He won't be able to breathe, and I'll need to hold Valyusha, so he doesn't slip off my back. He always gets moody when he's told to do something. I'll turn it into a game, he likes playing games. They all do, and I'll say we're going on an adventure.

Anika is already waiting for me by the door when I walk into the house. My head hits the wall before both feet touch the carpet.

"Did you think I wouldn't find out what you're doing?"

Moving out of the way of her fist, I stand straight, away from the door as she slams it shut. It clipped my head last time and I had a headache for days.She manages to stare down at me even though we're the same height now and spit flies as she talks.

"You went to your father's whore for what? Money? Do we not allow you to eat and live here?"

Her hand comes up and her ring hits my cheek before her fingers do. My head doesn't turn, and I take a deep breath, bored with the same shit.

The door is forcefully pushed open and slams into my shoulder. I didn't move far enough away. I make a mental marker, so I don't do it again as Len slams it closed. The house rattles from the anger radiating off him and he takes one step until he's stood beside his wife. His hand comes out, wrapping around my neck and he drags me up the wall. I don't tuck my chin, that's a weakness, and my arms stay by my side. My feet don't move to kick out because that's another weakness, proof that there's someone stronger than me.

He's testing me because I fucked up and got caught at the neighbor's house asking for help. His hand tightens, cutting off my air and light orbs blur my vision. But I don't fight back. I show him strength and he tightens more. He can't kill me, I'm the one who makes the most money. No one watches his fights anymore, they only come to see me. If I don't fight, I'll have to earn money the other way and if I'm weak, he'll make me stop fighting.

My finger twitches against the wall, hidden by my thigh, reminding myself why I can't be weak.

Valyusha, Vitya, Vanya.

What will happen if I'm not allowed to fight.

Len, Anika, Piotr.

They all have different names, but they all smell the same as the day I woke up thinking I was dying.

He drops me and takes a step forward, punching into my stomach before I can fill my lungs with air. Anika rubs his back like he's a boy and they both step back. I straighten instantly, my shoulders back and chin up. Having my air cut off turns my voice harsh, like it was a year ago when I made them stop.

"She needs a doctor."

I didn't want Vanya to be ashamed of me or to see what they do. The drugs don't work as well anymore, I'd have to see her face. I'll make sure of it that she's never ashamed of her papa. She won't call me Vlad — she'll call me papa and I can't wait to hear her say it.

Anika moves away and her smile is the sick one she'd have after putting cream on my bum as she says, "Let's see how sick she is."

She keeps walking towards my door, it's locked but I don't trust them. She's angry because of the money she's lost and having to move from Moscow where they could get power. They'll hurt her and she's already sick.

"Don't go near her."

She stops at my voice, then slowly turns.

I plant my feet, knowing what she's going to do as she charges at me, and her ring cuts my lip when she backhands me.Her nails dig into my cheek as she grips my face and shouts, "You are the child. You do not tell me what to do!"

My hands don't move.

Why don't they ever fucking move? I've fought grown men, but I can't do it with my parents. Both of them stand opposite me, no weapons. I could kill them. I've done it before.

But my arms stay down.

I use my voice instead and it's deadly because of the topic.

"I am Vanya's parent, go near her and I will kill everyone."

It's the only thing I can talk back on since I don't care what they do to me. No one will touch her, or even look at her. She knows I'll do it. They've had to clean up the other bodies when I lose control. It's why Len has put me in the death matches because he knows I'll win, or he hopes they kill me.

He steps forward and his fist hits my bruised ribs as he smirks. He knows. Grabbing my face, the blood on my lip is pushed into my mouth and he smiles because he fucking knows.

"You will fight tonight to pay for the doctor you want."

Death match.

My death.

Digging his fingers in harder, he presses into my ribs to feel for any scream I try to hide.

"The Pakhan and his family will be there. Even his sister."

No. Not Galya, she'll take Vanya from me.She always lies and says that Vanya is her daughter, but she's mine. It doesn't mean anything that she's the one who gave birth, Vanya doesn't have a mother, she doesn't need one.

I nod once so he knows I'll do it, and he lets me go. I can do it, for Vanya. She needs a doctor, or she won't get better. The doctor I met at the last fight told me he'd be able to see her, but the bitch next door ruined everything. Keeping my steps normal, I go to my room and unlock my door. I don't let anything show on my face as I open it enough only for my body to fit through the gap and quickly slide the bolt once I'm inside. My brothers are both sleeping. They'll be waking up from their naps soon.Vanya is still sleeping too. At least she's stopped coughing and crying.

My back slips down against the door and I bring my knees up, watching all three of them. I count them, making sure they're still in front of me. My brothers are on my bed, and I don't want to disturb any of them, so I keep counting. My fingertips touch my knees with each pattern of saying their names in my head.

Valyusha. Tap. Vitya. Tap. Vanya. Tap.

They'll be okay. They're not coughing. I won't die.

Valyusha. Tap. Vitya. Tap. Vanya. Tap.

I'll get the money. Take Vanya to the doctor. I can't die.

Valyusha. Tap. Vitya. Tap. Vanya. Tap.

Vanya will get better. She'll laugh without coughing, I might die.

Valyusha. Tap. Vitya. Tap. Vanya. Tap.

Vanya's hand moves, the blanket that she loves is still in her fist as she stretches. I quickly push forward, ignoring the way my body hurts. I nearly trip and have to catch myself with the edge of her crib. The metal is cold, but her cheeks are warm and she's awake. She smiles up at me and her cheeks aren't as red anymore. I can't feel my ribs burning, or the bruise forming against my stomach with that smile on me. I stroke down the slope of her nose, watching her smile get wider. She always chases my finger, and I lean over her to kiss her forehead. "Did you miss papa?" She lets out a little wheezy giggle and I pick her up.

I kiss each of her cheeks while she tries to eat her hands and ask, "Are you excited for your first birthday, solnyshkuh?"

She nods and continues eating her fingers.

"Papa got you a present and the cookies you like. We won't tell Vitya, or he'll steal them, okay?"

She doesn't stop smiling and I stroke her back, kissing her head. Her spit is running down her fist and she punches me in the cheek as she throws herself forward and starts wheezing again.

"Shh, it's okay. Papa will get you medicine and you'll get better. I promise."

I rub circles on her back and keep kissing her head as I walk in circles.

The wheezing stops, and she giggles as I hum bayu bayushki against her cheek.

"Solnyshkuh, are you feeling better?"

Her skin is soft, and she still smells like a baby, innocent and clean. I give her my promise on a whisper and hug her.

"You'll always smell like that. I won't let anyone near you, ever."

The cough starts again, and I can feel it against my hand, her little lungs are rattling. My own lungs hurt at the sound of it, and I go back to the door to make sure no one comes near it.

"It's okay. Papa will fix it tomorrow."

Sitting in front of the door so I can feel any footsteps, I keep rubbing her back.

I've looked after the other two, they've gotten better every time they've been sick. Vanya will too. She's little, but strong.

"You're strong, aren't you, Vanya? It's why you always smile at me."

Her entire body shakes from the force of her cough and her cry is right in my ear. It's loud and filled with pain, making my throat burn. The pain is the worst, and it makes me panic.

"I'm sorry, I'll get you medicine, it's okay."

I'd rip out my lungs if it would make her better and so that she never cries again. But she doesn't stop. She's been crying for too long, weeks, and her face is all red.

The front door slams closed, Len and Anika leaving because they're annoyed by the sound. It's always like this, why won't they fucking help me? I pay for everything and she's mine. Rubbing circles on her back, the crying wakes Vitya up and he joins in, staring at Vanya with tears in his eyes.His lip wobbles and he stretches his arms out, reaching for me with a question.

"Vanya?"

I nod and try to smile as I sit up on my knees and keep rubbing her back.

"She's okay, it just hurts her."

He nods as he opens and closes his hands with his tears falling.

I try to calm them both down and rock her on my shoulder. Walking forward on my knees, I reassure us all. "She'll be okay, won't you, Vanoushka?"

It doesn't help and his lip wobbles as he gets ready to cry with her. He always does it, and he usually falls asleep with his hand on her shoulder when they share the same crib. I keep Vanya on one shoulder and scoop up Vitya with my other arm. He stretches his hand out, softly rubbing her back as he cries with her.

"Vanya?"

She doesn't look at him and I sit back and rub both of their backs as I hum bayu bayushki.

Vitya is nearly two, but he's so much bigger than Vanya. She's still a baby, and she's going to be sick on her first birthday. She stops crying and hugs me. Her little hand stretches out across my chest and Vitya holds it, whispering her name until she looks at him.

They both calm down once they're holding hands and Vitya wriggles to sit on my thigh and pat her back. Kissing the top of his head, I speak softly so I don't disturb Valyusha.

"Do you want to play with Vanya while I get your food?"

He smiles from ear to ear, showing his gappy teeth and quickly nods. "Play."

He stands on his wobbly toddler legs without letting go of Vanya's hand and I sit up on my knees, helping him back onto the bed, so he doesn't hide under it again.

Vanya still coughs, but she doesn't cry as he pats her back and helps her sit up. He points at our sleeping brother and says, "Shh, sleep Val-shh."

He can't say his name properly and his brows come together as he retries it.

"Val sha."

Stroking his hair back, I kiss his forehead and give him an easier name.

"Val."

He nods and repeats it to himself. I put the pillows around them, so they don't fall and walk backwards out of the room to make sure they're okay. I can't leave the door unlocked in case Len and Anika come back but I can hear them talking to each other in baby language, so I know they're okay.

No crying.

They're okay. My heart is beating too fast, and I look around the hallway to make sure no one's home before I run to the kitchen. I'm not allowed to run, it's a weakness.

Nothing is important enough to make you run.

I make their sandwiches and ignore the way my stomach hurts as I touch the bread. My shoulders twitch and I snatch my fingers back as soon as I drop the slice on the plate.

Vitya likes cookies and I hide them in my pocket before taking the snacks I hid under the sink. No one checks there. Not when it's my job to clean and make the food. And pay for it. The smell of it when I open the fridge to get their milk makes my stomach roll and I'm going to be sick. It smells sweet, like sugar, because of Vanya's food. But she likes the mashed apples, and I hold the bowl away from my face to stop it making me sick as I grab everything in my arms and run back to my room.

They're still playing with each other, and I set their food in front of them, making sure I hide the cookies, or they won't eat. Valyusha is grumpy when he wakes up. He didn't sleep well last night because Vanya was crying. They don't like sleeping alone, they end up getting scared and hide under my bed so they can stay with me, even though they get upset when Vanya starts coughing.

I gently flatten my hand on his chest to wake him up. He scowls straight away at being disturbed. It melts off his face as his eyes close, falling back to sleep. Softening my voice, I rub his chest.

"Valyusha, wake up before Vitya eats all your food."

He drops his chin to his chest and lets out a little huff before opening his eyes fully and wiping his sleep away with his fist. I sit him up slowly and straighten his clothes, then his hair. He stops rubbing his eyes and holds on to my t-shirt, pulling himself to the edge of the bed. He's still sleepy when I wrap my arm around him and kiss the top of his head, waiting for him to wake up fully.

"You can go back to sleep after you eat."

They have to eat now, or I won't know if they do in the night. The fights run late, and I don't trust Anika to do it without hurting them. The fights only last three hours at the longest, so they'll stay asleep. All three of them move closer to me when the front door opens. The moans are loud and my I grimace at the sound.

Why can't they fuck off? Just fucking leave and never come back. I pay for everything anyway and the babies would be okay without them. They don't fucking do anything other than fuck each other and anyone else they can find.

I rest on my knees in front of the bed, blocking the door even though it's locked. I quickly check it and make sure I slid the bolt across before I move their plates in front of them. Valyusha finally lets go of my t-shirt, but he doesn't eat, being stubborn. He picks up his sandwich when I push the plate towards him with my elbow.

"You have to eat, Valyusha, then you'll get big and strong to do whatever you want."

He nods and his eyelids droop as he chomps, letting me feed the other two who can't feed themselves properly. Each bite all three of them take is given with a promise.

We won't stay here forever; they'll have a big house instead of me locking them in a room. No one will stop them doing whatever they want. They'll never be scared again. They won't ever have to do what they don't want to, and they can be whatever they want.

Vanya smiles at me and she has squashed apples on the corner of her mouth, making the other two laugh. I wipe it off with my t-shirt and she's still smiling.

"You're going to be a big girl soon, aren't you?"

She just blinks and keeps smiling as I hold the spoon at her lips and feed Vitya with my other hand at the same time. He pushes against my knuckles and starts feeding himself and I check on Valyusha. He's still got half his sandwich left and I lower my voice as the moaning stops.

"Vitya is going to steal it from you."

He always eats slower than the others and I'm sure he doesn't eat enough for his age, but he's growing so he has to be.

Stroking his hair back as he eats, I lean down and whisper, so Anika or Len don't hear. "Do you want to sleep in your own room tonight? I'll lockthe door for you."

Under his eyes are dark, Vitya manages to stay asleep as long as there are no lights, but he gets scared and doesn't like the crying. Nodding his head, he gives me a small smile and points to the window, "Snow."

The other two look at where he's pointing, and I sit in front of them, making sure they finish their milk.

"I'll get you snowflakes when you've finished, okay?"

Nodding their heads, they don't stop watching the flakes falling.

I stand up, collecting their bowl and plates and Valyusha looks up at me scared. His eyes go wide, and his bottom lip sticks out as he asks for me.

"Vlad?"

I give him a smile. "Keep eating. I'm coming back. I promise I won't leave you."

He nods and shuffles closer to the other two before giving Vitya the rest of his sandwich.

I lock the door as soon as I'm outside my room and make it to the end of the hallway to search for the other padlocks when Len stands, waiting for me. He doesn't hide his hate.

"She should never have been born."

You're the one who made me prove I wasn't fucking gay.

I didn't want to do it.

Any of the times, I never wanted any of them to touch me.

I just wanted to be left alone.

I still want to be left alone.

I don't move as he continues, "It is wrong. That's why she's sick, you infected her."

I didn't, she's my baby and I love her. I look after her, and she smiles at me. She laughs and she holds Vitya's hand and plays with Valyusha.

But I can't say anything because he'll stop me getting a doctor. So, I stand there and let him tell me my daughter, my baby, is wrong when she's perfect.

* * *

The doctorfrom the last fight keeps shaking his head when he looks at me. I try to see what he does, but I don't understand what the fuck's wrong with him. I have blood all over me, so do all the other men. My chest is on fire with how many times they hit my ribs as I leave the cage and go into the changing room. It's not a break, just sprained. My t-shirt and shorts are sticking to me, but I don't know if it's blood or sweat. The same with my hair.

I'll be okay. Get to the babies. They need me.

Someone walks in while I'm changing, and I quickly knot my shorts extra tight. The doctor, Romin, is fearful and keeps looking behind him. He speaks quietly as he holds up medicine and I'd give him anything he wants right now.

"From what you told me, it sounds like a chest infection. Give her antibiotics and let me know if it gets better."

Nodding my head, I take the bag and my voice is weird.

"Thank you."

It's weak but he's helping her. She won't cough anymore, and she'll be better for her birthday. I even ordered her a cake, not chocolate, but it's pink and has loads of sprinkles on it. She'll like it. It was worth Len finding out I kept money back from the fight and my sprained wrist. My left hand keeps going numb, showing it hasn't healed correctly, but she'll have a cake and a present to open.

I don't care about the other fights, and I never stay for them normally, but I don't even shower and quickly pull my hoodie over my head. I have the medicine; Vanya won't be sick anymore and she'll be able to play. I run and make sure the bag is tightly held in my hand the four miles home. I'm smiling the entire way. Even though I nearly fall over and slip on the ice, I'm smiling. She'll be okay.

No more coughing.

No more crying.

She'll be okay.

It's cold and I can't feel my legs with only my shorts on. The snow starts falling again, making it harder to see as the flakes stick to my lashes, and I take the corner too fast. My foot skids on the ice and I hold the medicine up, making sure it doesn't get crushed as I slip and land on my side. My body is numb, so I don't feel it fully, and I quickly get up and running again. I don't stop until I get inside the house and every part of my body tingles with the warmth hitting my frozen skin.

Anika is with whichever boyfriend she's picked for the night, and I check on my brothers to make sure the lock hasn't been broken. It hasn't moved, and the marbles are still against the door.

They're okay, still sleeping, no crying.

When I unlock my door, the tingle reduces. Cold air touches me. It feels like I'm outside. The sound of the wind carrying the snow fills the room, but it wasn't even loud when I was outside, and I can hear it blowing. My breath is white in front of my face, and I walk slowly, not understanding why. I lock the door behind me before turning on the lights to make sure no one sees that it's open. When I turn around again, I can see it. The snow is inside, and it shouldn't be. There are wet patches on the floor, puddles from where it's melted.

I don't care if there's a leak and go to Vanya with a smile on my face knowing she's going to get better.

"Papa has your medicine, solnyshkuh, you're going to get better now."

There's more snow inside as I get closer to her, it covers the bottom of her crib in front of the window. She only likes sleeping in front of the window because she likes looking at the sky. The blinds rattle, that's why the wind sounds louder. But I don't look up because I closed the window. I know I did. I didn't want Vanya to get cold.

I closed the window.

Closed the blinds.

Locked the door.

I always do it.

I've never forgotten.

But she's not moving.

My eyes are playing tricks on me. It's because of the fight, the lights, then running in the dark. It's already three am, I might be tired. Rubbing my eyes, I blink and it's still wrong. Vanya isn't usually blue, her lips are normally pink, it makes her look different. She doesn't smile as I pick her up. She always smiles at me, even when she's crying.

"Solnyshkuh, open your eyes,"I beg her.

She doesn't fall forward, wrapping her arms around my neck. She's stiff and cold, her arms stuck under the blanket.

"Solnyshkuh? Can you smile at papa?"

No wheezing. No coughing. No breathing.

"Please, Vanya."

I rub her back, trying to warm her up.

"Smile for papa. I'm sorry. I got you medicine." I keep making circles and hug her tighter, so she gets warm. "Or cry, yeah you can cry. It's okay, I promise I won't shout. I never shout, you know that." My throat burns and my lips tremble as I kiss her head. "Please, Vanya. Don't leave me."

My cheeks burn, and I sink to my knees, holding her on my forearms. My eyes have the same burn, and I look at her face.

She's blue, she's never blue. If Vanya was any color she would be pink, because she's always smiling and giggling.

"Open your eyes, please."

Liquid moves down my face.

I'm crying. I don't cry. But the tears drip off my face and splash on her blue skin.

"Vanya, please."

Open your eyes.

Just once.

Smile at me again.

I already know it won't work but I need to try. She's cold, but when she's warm again, it will be okay. Yeah, she's just cold. I'll get her warm and she'll be okay, she'll smile again. I blindly pull all the blankets out and hug her to my chest before wrapping them around her.

"It's okay. You'll be okay. Just get warm."

My body rocks as I sit on my knees and kiss the top of her head. Cold. She's so cold.

Vanya likes bayu bayushki, it always makes her laugh and I hum it as I keep rocking her.

She'll get warm. I'll give her medicine. She'll be okay.

The sky changes from pitch black to navy blue, and I keep kissing her head.

"Come on, Vanoushka, can you smile for papa?"

Her eyes don't open.

She's not coughing.

Her arms and legs are stuck in place.

I've seen people like this before and my chest moves too fast. It's wrong, there's no blood. The others had blood on them, and their eyes were open. Vanya's eyes are closed, so she's just sleeping.

The blue of the sky slowly starts to get lighter, and I press my ear to her chest, there's no sound. Just cold. No. I closed the window, I know I did.

I made a snowball.

And gave it to Valyusha, so he stopped crying and wouldn't want to go outside.

Then I closed the window.

Watched them all play.

Vitya was teaching her to kick.

Valyusha was being grumpy, and I bathed him because that makes him feel better.

But the window was closed.

I think.

I stand up, looking for something to help. There's nothing outside, just snow. Len and Anika will take her away, like they did with the others I killed, and I'll never see her again.

The black church gates stick out against the blanket of white, and I know what I can do. I'll see her every day and I'll never leave her.

"I'm sorry, Vanya. Papa's sorry."

Or I can stay with her there, and I won't have to leave her at all. Ever. We can just go to sleep together.

Yeah. I'm her papa. I can't leave her. Papas don't leave their babies. My stomach hurts as though I'm going to be sick but only words come out.

"I'm sorry, I thought I closed it."

I keep rocking her and press my lips to her cheeks.

Still cold.

"I don't want you to leave me."

Steps crunch in the snow from outside the house and I freeze. They'll take her away. Like the others. Burn her. No, she can't be, then I won't see her. Vanya is a baby, innocent, that means she'll go to heaven.I keep apologizing because I'm a murderer, the others didn't count, they were fights. This is murder, I promised not to hurt her. Len's right, I'm wrong. Vanya isn't wrong, I am.

I hurt my baby, my solynshkuh, my Vanya.

I wait for the sounds of the steps to stop before I move and lay her on the bed. Her ears always gets cold, so I put on an extra hat and make sure that she's covered. It was her favorite one, with little pink patterns on it. Her limbs don't move as I wrap extra blankets around her and she's heavier, bluer, as I wrap them around her extra tight and fall to my knees with my cheek on her chest.

"Please, can you wake up? I'll never open the window again."

I'm not supposed to beg or say please, it's a weakness, but she's my Vanya.

"I'll find you a nice house and I won't see you ever again, please, solnyshkuh."

The front door closes, and I wrap my arms around her so she can't be taken away. My lips move, but no sound comes out.

‘Please, I'll take you away from here. The doctor can be your new papa.'

‘Please just open your eyes.'

But there's no movement, just cold.

Anika's heels click against the floor, and she giggles, making me die faster on the inside. There's a thud against the wall as she moves through the hallway towards the stairs that go to her room. I don't move. Two pairs of footsteps go up the stairs. I stop breathing. Her bedroom door slams closed, and a man's voice is with her. I think it's Len, so he won't see Vanya either, they're busy. I start breathing again and gently pick up my baby. Her face is like ice against my neck, and I keep her tucked against me.

"I'm sorry, solnyshkuh, I thought I closed it. I'm sorry."

Shed. There's a shovel, I'll need to dig.

I leave my room, and, for the first time, I don't lock my door when I leave. There's nothing to protect anymore.

I don't look at anything other than Vanya's blue face as I walk out of the house and go to the side where the shed is. I don't care about the noise, or even hear it, as I open it and take out the shovel. The cold metal is warm against the ice inside of me and it scrapes against the soft snow as I keep kissing the top of my baby's head. My baby.

"Papa loves you. I will always love you and I miss you already."

I keep my hand on her back so she can't slip and walk carefully, avoiding the shiny patches on the road.

"I won't leave you. We'll lay down together."

The church gates aren't fully closed with the amount of snow that's fallen and I don't feel the frozen metal cut my hand as I push through it, making sure that it doesn't hurt Vanya.

"You're my baby and I hurt you. I'm sorry."

I remember the first time I held her. She was all wrinkly, but she held my finger and her big eyes opened, like marbles, filled with different colors.

"I got you a birthday cake, and a dress. They're both pink. The dress has the same material as your blanket, the smooth bit because you like rubbing it."

Walking into the churchyard with Vanya on my shoulder and a shovel in my other hand, I keep telling her I'm sorry. I thought I closed it. But I didn't sleep yesterday, I forgot. All the other graves have people's names, and I don't want Vanya to be seen by everyone else. Len and Anika will know where to find us then.I keep walking deeper, looking for the perfect place where we can go to sleep.

"I'll never love anyone like I love you, solnyshkuh."

Moving around the different spaces, I find a spot that can be just ours. It's hidden from everybody else behind a large willow tree, so they can't hurt her.

A weeping willow.

She liked it when I put her inside my coat, and I do it again. One more time. Kissing the top of her head, she's colder than my lips and my cheeks are hot.

"It's okay, papa will make our bed then we'll go to sleep."

I zip my coat up to the top, so she doesn't fall, and little holes form in the crisp blanket of snow as I push the shovel into it. It's been snowing for too long and the ground is frozen. But I make a box that I think will fit us both and clear the snow first.

"You were the best baby. So happy all the time and no other baby is better than you."

My ribs burn as I try to break through the solid ground. It's light already and the shovel clinks as I try to cut into the earth. The snow crunches and I drop the shovel to wrap my arms around Vanya. I expect to see Len or Anika, for them to know what I've done, but a man walks towards me. He has a box in his hands and his coat is zipped up to his chin. I think he's the priest but he's wearing normal clothes. He doesn't stop walking towards me and he doesn't look at my face. His eyes dip to the ground and then to my crossed arms. No one is fucking taking her from me.

He stops in front of me and avoids my eyes as I feel everything burn. It's not pain, it's something else, something that will never be put out. His breathing shallows, the air not even fogging as he looks at the hole I've made and then at Vanya tucked in my coat again. He smiles at me without looking away from her and opens the wooden box. His voice is strange, low and soft, but choked at the same time.

"Rest, my boy, it's my turn now."

He's not taking her away from me. I nod and step back as he sprinkles something on the ground and goes to a building in the distance.

My solnyshkuh, she'll be warm in heaven, and a priest is here, it's like a real funeral. He'll give her blessings and she'll go to heaven.

But I killed my baby.

I can't go with her. No. I have to. She can't be alone. I'm her papa, I have to stay with her.

The priest comes back with a bigger, thicker, shovel than I had, and he doesn't lift his eyes from the ground as he starts digging. He alternates between sprinkling something on the earth and digging. I rock Vanya and rest my lips on her head over her hat as I hum bayu bayushki.

My beautiful baby, I'm sorry.

He's faster than me and the stuff he's sprinkling makes the ice thaw. The ground is softer, and he continues digging without making a sound.

When he's done, he looks up and his eyes are red as he quietly asks, "What's her name?"

I've never got to tell anyone her name and I stand taller, stroking her back.

"Vanya Vladislavovna Vartanova."

His eyes get redder, and he looks away, sniffling because of the cold. He stands back and takes out his rosary, performing the blessings without me removing her from my coat. When he's done, his hand comes up to rest on my shoulder, but it doesn't touch. He speaks quietly, his voice cracking against the harsh air.

"You're a good father, she will rest easy in heaven and wait for you."

I push back and my face pinches as my brows come together.

"I'm not leaving her alone."

He looks at me for the first time, but there's no twisted smile on his face, and he introduces himself.

"Vladik, my name is Grigory and I've watched you look after your brothers. You won't leave them alone, either. They are still young."

I look past the snow-covered branches of the willow tree to my house. I forgot about them. They're babies too and no one will be able to let them out of their room. No. What if their window is open? My eyes close and I go through the day.

Put Vanya to sleep. Put my brothers to sleep.

Locked their doors.

I didn't open their window; they were in my room. Their window hasn't been opened at all. They're safe. But no one will feed them, or they'll make them earn money.

No. I can't leave Vanya.

The priest, Grigory, speaks again, softer this time.

"She will be at peace, my boy, don't leave them alone."

I blink and my lashes are frozen, but I slowly nod. He does it back and rests the shovel against the tree trunk before he walks away.

My entire body is frozen but it's not due to the cold as I lower to the edge of the grave. I can't feel the ice soaking through my shorts as I slide down. There's no impact against my ankles as I move. My hands come up, unzipping my coat and I lay it on the frozen ground, so Vanya isn't cold. Then I lay down on my back because I'm not ready to leave her. My eyes close and I imagine it's over, that I never have to get up, and I can stay here with my baby.

"I never got to hear you call me papa." My vision blurs as the first full rays hit the snow, making it glisten. "I will never hear you call me papa." I stroke down her back and cup the back of her head. "You never had a birthday."

"I was going to get the things for your uncles to make you birthday cards, but I wasn't sure what toys you would like, so we were going to go pick them together. I thought I'd have you forever, that you'd be with me forever, but I messed it up. I'm sorry, I should have let them find you a different family, one with a papa who wouldn't forget to close the window. You could have had a mama too. But I needed you and I loved you before I ever saw you. I won't be selfish again. It's why I have to make sure Valyusha and Vitya are okay. Then, as soon as they're okay, I'll come back, and I'll never leave you again. I miss you so much."

She'll be all alone now. The ground is cold, and I didn't get enough blankets. I should stay here so she's not alone, but my brothers are still locked inside. They'll be hungry soon. I turn on my side and keep her head protected as I gently lay her down on her back. Then kiss each of her cheeks, her little nose, her forehead, and over each of her eyes.

"I love you, Vanya, I'll come back when Valya and Vitya are older, okay? Then I won't leave you. As soon as they're safe, I'll come back and go to sleep right here."

I take my hoodie off and wrap it around her, my eyes closing as I cover her face, so she doesn't get mud on her.

The burn leaves my eyes and settles in my bones. I know this was my fault, but they made me fight. I can't cry because that's weakness. But I can be angry. That's strength and I crawl out of the mud, knowing how to make it better. I leave my baby in the frozen earth and grab the shovel. I can see how small she is, just a little bump under my hoodie, mainly blankets, as I press all that frozen earth back on top of her. It's crushing her and I choke. I'll never stop choking.

They took her away from me. If I could have slept instead of having to fight every night, I would have remembered to close the window. If I wasn't at the fight, I would have been home and closed the window. If they weren't too busy fucking each other, I would have closed the fucking window.

That burn in my bones intensifies. I don't know who I am, but it's not who I was before the window was open. It's dark and I need to get it out, to make them all pay because they took her from me. There's nothing left of my life now, and there's going to be nothing left of theirs.

I close my eyes as I place the last bits of soil on top of my heart and then straighten, dropping the shovel. The cold air against my bare skin feels warm, and I turn without a heart since I'm leaving it here. I'm filled with determination, walking out of the cemetery. It's all I have left.

There's a small amount of sense left in my body, and I walk home, checking on my brothers first. Their window is closed and they're both warm, laying in the same bed with their limbs out like starfish. I stroke their hair back, feeling the natural warmth from life against their foreheads and tell them to grieve while unconscious.

Leaving their rooms, I'm about to go back out when someone stumbles into the house, cursing. I thought Len was home, but his face is red, and he's not drunk, just cold as I step out from the hallway. For the first time in my life, he looks at me with fear and his throat bobs as he straightens. His mouth opens and I cut him off, sounding like death.

"Count your fucking days, suka."

My brothers are young, and they won't survive on the street if I kill him now. They'll be left with Anika or someone worse if I kill them both.

I brush past him and walk in the direction I came in only my shorts. There's dirt on my skin and blood from my earlier fight, but I'm going to bathe in it by the time the day is over. They'll all still be at the fight, drunk and fucking weak. Vulnerable. That's what Vanya was, she was sick, and they took my focus. I keep walking. The four miles I ran to get home is warmer on the return and I don't run.

I'll never run again.

I'll never beg again.

I'll never feel happiness.

I will never fucking feel anything again.

Everything is over, and I never believed I was wrong. But I must be, only someone fucked up, a monster, would kill their own baby. All the care was a lie, I couldn't really give her it because if I could, I wouldn't have killed her.

I reach the venue without any memory of the journey and the door is open. I can hear them laugh. They're laughing when I've lost my Vanya. There is no burn as I push through the door of the abandoned warehouse that has been taken over by the Bratva. Dmitri organized this fight, he specifically asked for me, and my head turns, looking for him. To get the biggest fucker on my list, the most feared man in the Bratva — the Pakhan — before I take the rest.

He's nowhere in sight, neither is his fucking sister, but Denis is. His little brother, who he treats like a son, is sat laughing and drinking with a cigarette in his hand. He's not his fucking kid. I buried my child, now he'll bury the closest thing he has to one. I move in a blur, the images of Vanya's blue face flickering under my eyelids as screams ring out. Gunshots are next. My hands are warmer, and I blink, breaking up the memories.

Denis' face is unrecognizable. There's a chunk of flesh missing from his cheek, and he punches me in the ribs. I smile. The pain helps and I fucking smile, but there's no joy and I keep driving my fist into his face as he slips from his seat. I remain on top of him, my frozen hand splitting and already swelling. Swapping my fist for my elbow, I continue. Hands grab me, wrapping around my biceps and tugging as they scream.

It goes blank.

No pain.

No grief.

No regret.

I've found what makes it all stop.