23. Vlad

Avoiding Inessa while she's awake is easy, her hate perfumes the air, warning me to stay away. I've spent the last eight weeks with it, and it has become the norm, but she's home. Both of them are.

She refuses to acknowledge I exist; she won't even look at me, but in sleep, she's peaceful. I lay between her and Verena, between the bed and crib, knowing I can't move in either direction.Her little snores mixed with soft baby sighs are the only thing that allows me to breathe.

I know what she wants me to do, how I'd be able to keep her. If I tell her the truth, she'll still fucking hate me, but it will be rooted in disgust. Right now, it's just anger. Revulsion is worse. Even if I wanted to, my tongue won't form the right syllables, and the clock is ticking on when she'll no longer be here. Len has fucked everything from beyond the grave, there's no timeline to my death anymore. All of this was for nothing.I can't make a choice and I have to. I'm stuck between life and death, suspended with people on either side casting their expectations into the void while I only have my failings blaring at me. I can't choose because to make a choice means one holds more importance than the other when they all fucking wreck me.

I've spent twenty years plotting to kill Dmitri and accepted that I wouldn't leave Moscow. But he's not the fucker who caused Vanya's death, it was the cunt right under my fucking nose. And now I've lost twice. The life I should have had was taken by the prick all those years ago and the life I could have had is gone because of my own fixation.Everyone who sneered dyavol at me doesn't know how much I wish it was true. If I had dominion over the deathly plain, then I could move between it and life. I could have everything.

A little foot kicks against my fingers threaded through the edge of the crib, and I stand silently, not wanting to disturb Inessa. Gently lifting Verena before she can start crying, I take her out of the room and into the nursery. She's grown, but she's still small and her eyes snap open when I sit down, laying her on my thighs. They haven't settled on a color yet and her irises are pitch black.

I lean down, keeping my voice at a whisper, "You're perfect like your mama, and strong like her."

The tip of my nose brushes hers and her grumpy features soften. She comforts me when it should be the other way around.

"Did you wake up because you missed me?"

Her diaper isn't heavy, and she settles instantly, so it can't be due to her being gassy. Those big eyes remain fixed on me, and I hope they remain dark. She has my hair, soft inky tufts on her head. She's clearly inherited Valentin's tantrums as she stretches her arms out and makes a protesting warble.

My voice lowers further as I remain folded over her and try to get her to remember me subconsciously.

"You won't be like your uncle, will you, malen'kaya zvezda1? You'll be good for your mama and if you need to scream at someone, you'll come to me. Or go to Valentin, he does it to everyone else. You can give him a taste of what his tantrums are like."

She tries to kick me as payback for being a dick as I brush my nose across her cheek. When she tries to eat my face, I realize it's because she's hungry and start the machine to make her bottle up.

Inessa keeps a chart on her phone to track the feeds and I make a note of the time and the amount. I reposition Verena so she's comfortable against the crook of my arm. She falls back to sleep as soon as she has her bottle and sounds of her drinking fill the room. I stroke through her hair, wishing it was like her mother's instead of dark like mine. If that's the only thing she inherits from me, I'll be happy and couldn't ask for more.I don't look away from the bottle, making sure no air gets trapped in the teat as she alternates in urgency. Her cheeks are getting fuller, each night she becomes a little bit more aware of her surroundings and soon I won't be able to steal her away without her protesting at a stranger taking her from her bed.

I hold equal parts joy and fear over her sleeping through the night. It will show she's growing, but I won't have these little moments where her hands move, and her little fingers are pressed against my skin as she fidgets. I won't be able to talk to her or just hold her once that happens.

"I think you're going to be like your mama, stubborn and kind, intelligent and strong. Beautiful and loyal." She opens one eye as though she's warning me not to talk shit. "Yeah, you're definitely going to be your mama's double, but you won't ever lose me. No matter what happens, I'll be watching you. When you go to school, and some little shithead tries to take your crayons, I'll fix it."

Guilt swarms me at the thought of the future, of breaking my promise, but I can't make the choice in either direction.

Urgent footsteps pad through the hall until Inessa comes into view and visibly relaxes. Her hair is a mess and the t-shirt she's wearing is one of mine, full of creases from how many times she's slept in it. But I've never seen a more beautiful sight. I sound guilty to my own ears as I justify what I'm doing.

"She was hungry, and I thought you could get some extra rest."

The other nights I've managed to get away with stealing any moments I can by staying in the room hidden on the floor like a literal monster under the bed. I get to hear her talk to Verena then, she'll make funny faces at her to try to get her to laugh. Or when the baby's sleeping she'll lay on her back talking to herself, making promises of a life that's full, one where she feels no pain. Those conversations are worse.

She slowly comes to my side and hovers, but she doesn't take the baby from me. I don't know if it's because of the late hour or sleep deprivation. Whatever it is has Inessa sitting on the arm of the chair. Her voice is soft and melodious, but the topic stokes my anger.

"I hated being an only child. I always thought I'd have at least two kids so they could be friends and wouldn't feel lonely."

The thought of there being someone else in her life and giving her that dream has my mouth opening before I can stop myself.

"We can have another one."

It's said too easily like she's not planning on leaving.

She leans into me and lightly swats my shoulder. I've never been more at ease than with that small amount of contact as she hisses, "I'm not sleeping with you."

The whisper is right in my ear.

Turning to kiss her forehead, her lashes flutter closed, and my offer doesn't change.

"You don't have to, there are other ways to get what you want."

There's no outright refusal and I mark it as a win.I'll jack off in a room full of other people's cum ghosts if it means I have an extra tie to her. If she entertains the idea, that means there's some fucking hope. I'd take that childish friendship she offered at the beginning over not existing.

But she doesn't and leans into me, giving me her fears as though she doesn't hate me.

"I don't think I ever will. Sometimes, I dream about what happened and watch my body go up in flames. Then everything that happened in the hospital," she shakes her head, "it's not an experience I ever want to be repeated."

My entire body tenses and she doesn't notice how hard I'm fighting to keep a leash on the violence inside of me. She continues around a sigh, "I love her more than anything, but I hate how she came into this world. I didn't get to hold her first, or hear her first cry, or have that joy. It's all muddied."

I speak softly as I watch Verena slow her drinking.

"You can have it again, experience it all for the first time the right way."

Setting the bottle down when she stops suckling, I rest her jaw between my thumb and forefinger and make circles on her back as I wait for my queen to say something. Anything.

I don't expect it to be full of sadness.

"No, it would be too lonely. You're going to make someone very happy one day, and I know I'll hate it." Looking up in confusion, tears darken her eyes and Inessa sniffles, not letting them fall. "I'll hate it, but I'll be happy for you, Vlad. You deserve happiness too."

I lift my arm, and she ducks under then buries her face in my neck where it belongs. There will never be another person, there wasn't anyone before her and if I could keep every part of my life separate, there wouldn't be an after her.

I'm sat with my wife on one side, my daughter on the other, and I don't dare fucking breathe in case I disturb either one. There's no argument or hurt in her voice as she lays her head on my shoulder and admires what we made.

"You're good with her, I've seen you when you think I'm asleep."

I've stared at death and laughed but sweat beads down my spine at getting caught.It always does whenever I see the beautiful, grumpy face. Unless Verena is in my arms, I can't breathe or control my heart rate. It's worse if she's out of sight from any of the cameras I've set up around the house. Namely when Valentin steals her, and I haven't been able to set the cameras up on his floor yet.

Every night I've waited, watched the cameras, and counted their breaths until I'm certain I won't wake them up. Stroking down her back, I try to deflect, but my voice is too low, making it more emotional.

"I should be, considering I've done this three times before."

Her brows slowly come together and then relax at whatever thought she's had. It's slow and her smile gives me life.

"You raised them all, didn't you?" The curve slowly increases as she says, "That's how Val knew all the little tricks, because you'd done them as a child."

Unease snakes up my spine and she leans forward, pressing her soft lips to my cheek. Giving me a reprieve, she doesn't move away from me and rests her hand on top of mine as I position the littlest queen against my chest. Her joke is filled with history despite being unaware of it.

"Did you sleep on the floor then too?"

She's not expecting an answer, but I nod my head as the memories leave my lips on a whisper, "I didn't want anyone coming in their room while they were sleeping."

Sleeping while I'm sitting up is my secret talent after the years of blocking the door. The little shits would only crawl under my bed if I didn't put them in it. Inessa just blinks at me and each time her eyelids open again, the red hue increases. She speaks against my skin with quiet conviction.

"Your outsides match your insides, lapachka."

She threads her arm around my neck and turns her head to face the wall. This woman has snotted on me every time she's cried, literally wiped her nose on my neck just to be a brat. Hidden in me. Right now, she's hiding from me. She's used my fucking words against me, twisted them to have a different meaning, and now she won't even look at me.

I bounce my knee to get her attention, but she holds me tighter, silently refusing.I remove any harshness from my voice, so I don't wake Verena, and repeat the movement as I kiss her crown to dull my timbre.

"Look at me, moya koroleva."

Inessa cups my cheek and strokes her fingers through the hair above my ear as she slowly rolls her neck to look at me. She's going to gut me. The look in her eyes as she flicks between mine is the warning and she leans into me, filling my vision with heartbreak.

"You're a perfect dream. At night, this, how you are right now, is utter perfection. But I'll wake up, and this Vlad won't exist anymore."

I stroke up her back to hold her nape and beg without the words.

"Would you give me your nights?"

Her smile is sad again and I hold my breath, waiting for her answer. I'd take the little moments, anything she felt like giving me would be accepted easily. But she doesn't and looks at Verena sleeping on my other side.

"They're not just my nights anymore."

Leaning over me, she kisses our daughter's head and I have to force my body not to tighten around them both.

My skin turns cold without her as she slips off my thigh and stands between them. I expect her to take our daughter from me, but she holds my face in both hands and presses her lips to my forehead. "Spend time with her in the daylight as well."

She doesn't look back at me as she walks out of the room.

A grumble comes from my lap, and I look down to see Verena open one eye and look around as though she's checking I've taken note of Inessa's order. Holding the little queen up so we're face to face, her grumpiness comes out at being moved.

"Ya slyshal yeye, malen'kaya koroleva2."

She doesn't open her eyes and smirks in her sleep.I've never been prouder than I am at this moment, even though I have two living weaknesses, two people who can destroy me at any given moment, I wouldn't want her to be anything other than her mother's daughter.

That little lift eases everything inside of me. Inessa won't be out of my life fully. We're bound together because of the stink bomb in my hands. Between Verena and her mother, they both keep wiping their mess on me and I'm forced to get up when she literally fucking shits on me.

"I told you I heard her."

Going back into our room, the best sound I've ever heard comes from the bed as Inessa nearly falls off it from the force of her laugh. I walk slower so I can hear more of it. But she sits up and hugs a pillow, muting what I want. Needing more, I coax her to follow me as I go into the bathroom.

"Boys are worse. They piss on you every time you change them."

It works and my queen floats behind me. There's no wince as she pushes up on her palms to sit on the vanity. I've checked her doctor's notes, her stitches have healed with Dani being on strict orders not to allow Inessa to lift a single thing. Even Viktor has been following her around for the past couple of months, and he's turned into her assistant, holding anything she needs. At one point, he refused to let her hold her own phone, holding it in front of her face so she could type out a message.

I turn the shower on, and her cheeks twitch from withholding her humor as she sees how much of my clothes and hands are covered. It's in her eyes, lighting up her features and I'd stand in front of her covered in shit if she never looks away. Getting rid of our soiled clothes, appreciation mixes with her humor. I'm flexing like an arrogant dickhead, but I don't give a fuck. As long as her eyes stay on me, I'll become a clown to entertain her.She hasn't forced the topic of getting divorced, so I assume that she's changed her mind. Rationally, I know it's due to me burning the papers and blocking her lawyer from contacting her. Any paperwork that's sent to her is also burnt and she's been too busy to remember something insignificant that will never happen.

Going under the spray, I lean forward, keeping it off Verena and my queen slips off the vanity. She stands at the edge of the shower, but she doesn't step inside or take her t-shirt off, just stands watch with the softest smile on her face. Feeling the need to defend myself or to strengthen my own resolve, I sound weak as fuck.

"I won't drop her."

I've done this countless times. When Valentin wouldn't calm down in the night, it was the only thing that would relax him. Maybe it's because I was a dumb kid and never understood the depth of responsibility, but fear snakes up my spine now. Verena fits in one hand but I keep the other against her back as the runoff spray drips onto her body.

Four words relax me.

"I know you won't."

Inessa agreeing makes the voice in my head shut the fuck up. Her gentle voice is louder than history. She doesn't move away as I clean us both up and acts like an assistant, handing me a towel and taking Verena to dress her.

Every little thing comes back when they're not in front of me. The fist around my lungs tightens and there's a phantom breeze against my damp back. I know there isn't a window open. I'd hear it and the alert would go off. But my stupid fucking brain refuses to accept the facts. It was the same with Viktor when he was a baby, this doubt in my head and I'd check it every five minutes just so I could breathe.

Going into the bedroom for physical confirmation, my muscles loosen seeing every pane sealed. I'm still staring at the wall, checking each window, when arms wrap around my middle and soft lips press against the center of my chest. My lips lift at the action and fall as soon as she opens her fucking mouth.

"Thank you. This was a good way to spend our last night here."

There haven't been any listings sent to me after I purchased each property Inessa found under a shell company. It's the only way I've been able to force her to stay here. I've never fucking agreed to being honest, and it's not an outright lie when the sale has fallen through. She doesn't need to know the other party was me. None of them were good enough, they didn't have horses and we do. They didn't have a big enough guard house and I'm not allowing my wife and child to live unprotected. Or they were just wrong in some way, not physically, it was a feeling.

1 ?Little star

2 ?I heard her, little queen