Chapter Seven

~ Victor ~

V ictor stared into his closet. He bit his bottom lip, worrying it between his teeth until it was raw. It was Wednesday and he had his afternoon class in about an hour. He stared at the options for clothes. His morning classes were usually just sweats or shorts and a t-shirt. But he was planning on going to dinner with Joe after his next class. The shirts were fairly plain. But the skirt was hanging right there, on the end. Like it was mocking him.

He never should have told Tawson about his… thing. His secret. There was no reason except that Victor never felt more connected with someone. Joe didn't even know all of it. He knew that Victor didn't want to take over the ranch and he was more than okay for Paxton to inherit it. He loved the horses and really didn't mind the work, but it wasn't all he wanted to be. This was his third week on campus. Despite his thoughts his first day at the apartment, he hadn't touched the underwear or the skirt in all that time.

Knowing that someone else knew, someone like Tawson. It was unsettling. They didn't talk about it either. His alarm had gone off and, like the weekend before, Tawson drove him in the dark to the back of the barn. He gave him a soft kiss and they went their ways for the day. He joined them for Sunday supper but the topics revolved around Paxton's team playing their first game. That was set for Friday evening and everyone was going to be on campus for it. It was his sister's first official game as Assistant Coach.

He sighed and closed the door. He would just keep the white shirt he was wearing and go for jeans. The class was only an hour. He'd walk to the dorms and ride with Joe to the restaurant.

A knock on the door caught his attention. Victor kept his bedroom door open when he was in the apartment. The sound echoed down the hallway a second time before he made it to the main door. He opened it, expecting one of his neighbors or something. Instead, it was Tawson. Which was surprising because he should have already finished his classes for the day. Like, two hours ago. Which meant he was usually back on the ranch by now. He wore a hat and sunglasses again. Victor really wasn't sure if the disguise was helping.

"What are you?"

Victor stepped back and let him in, closing the door behind him and locking it again. They both stood there just inside the door. Victor looked him up and down, taking in the button up shirt tucked into the tailored navy trousers. The pants hugged Tawson in all the perfect places. He wore a brown belt with matching shoes. He looked great. Hot.

"Are you heading somewhere?"

"Um, class in just a bit. Then I was meeting Joe for dinner after."

"Oh, okay. I probably could have texted you first. "

"What's going on?" Victor moved back toward his room. He knew without looking that Tawson was following him. He moved to his dresser and pulled opened the middle drawer, looking for the pair of faded jeans he liked best.

"I've been sitting in my office contemplating if I should actually show how clingy I can be or not. I didn't want to wait for our once-a-week night together." Victor smiled at that. He liked the thought of taking up space in Tawson's mind. Hands snaked around Victor's body and lips pressed softly to the back of his neck.

Victor pulled away quickly, turning to rush to his window and pull his curtain closed. He jumped onto his bed and closed the other one too. He wouldn't risk someone looking up and seeing them. He stood back up and smiled at Tawson. He'd taken off his hat and glasses, replacing them with his prescription lenses he had tucked somewhere in his shirt pocket.

"Sorry about that," Victor said with a sheepish grin. "Call me selfish but I want to keep you to myself."

"I'm all for that," Tawson said. "But first, I do come with things. Or, a request. I don't know if you have enough time to talk about it."

Victor's nerves kicked up and he took the smallest step away from Tawson. "Depending what it is?"

"It's about the story you told me," Tawson said. Victor's heart rate started rising. He knew they'd have to talk about it. He really had planned to tell just a random story, but then it came out. He made himself look at Tawson. He would have this conversation. Tawson reached up and cupped his hand against the side of his head. "First off, I want you to know how proud I am of you. You telling me that changes absolutely nothing about the way I feel. "

Victor nodded. He didn't trust his voice. Victor knew the second he opened his mouth, sobs would escape. He did his best to keep his composure.

"Second, I did some research. I wanted to make sure I understood. There's a lot of information out there." Victor knew that too well because he'd done the same. He found a few things and even read a couple books with nonbinary characters. It helped him understand himself a little more. "And I'd like to hear it from you, how you identify and feel."

Victor nodded once more. His nerves were on edge, firing randomly and twisting his stomach in knots. Tawson took his hand and guided him to sit on the bed. "And thirdly, if you're willing, I would love to see what the prince has hidden in that magic box of his."

Victor make a choking noise before composing himself as best he could. If he was in another headspace, he'd make an innuendo about his magic box. But now wasn't the time. Tawson's hand covered his and he leaned over and brushed his lips against the side of his head. "Only if you're ready, Vic. I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to force you but I am willing to listen."

"Thank you," Victor said. His voice was soft and he leaned over to rest his head on Tawson's shoulder. He cleared his throat and tried to find the words to say. "Sometimes, I just don't feel like one gender or another. I don't like the stereotypes that come with one or the other either. When I put on… the clothes, it makes me feel different. I don't know how to explain it, but it's like I put it on and I'm putting on a different layer of myself. It isn't a mask or anything to cover who I am like this, but just another part of me that is always there. "

"Do you feel like it's something that you want to explore more?" Tawson kept his hand firmly around Victor's. "Outside of what you already have, I mean."

"Maybe, but I don't think I have the courage to do it here or at home." Victor lifted his head and looked up at Tawson. "I know you think my family is supportive and they are, but I'm still scared that this is something that they won't understand. I can't think about them being confused or questioning me."

"Can I make you a deal?" Tawson asked. Victor looked into his eyes and he could see honesty and earnestness there. "I want to be a safe space for you. A safe person. I want you to feel comfortable around me to explore whatever you want. However you want."

"I appreciate that," Victor said. He really did. "And maybe. But right now, I'm happy with the things I have for now. I would like you to keep calling me Vic, though."

"How long until you have to leave?" Tawson asked. He ghosted his lips just behind Victor's ear. Victor could feel Tawson's hand rest against his upper thigh, his lips pressing more firmly. His tongue darted out to lathe around the spot. Victor tilted his head to give him all the access he needed. He tried to think about the question he asked.

"Um, it was an hour but I don't know now. However long we've been sitting here. It's in the social sciences building, so like three minutes from here."

Tawson chuckled and pulled back. "It's only been five minutes since I came in."

"That means I have at least forty-five minutes." Victor looked at Tawson and smiled. "Have anything in mind?"

"I'm good here to just watch you get ready."

"You can't stay here while I'm gone," Victor said. He stood up and stepped between Tawson's legs. Tawson tilted his head back and smiled up at Victor. "You'll get bored and I don't know how long I'll be. But I don't mind you watching me. It won't be much of a show."

Tawson's eyes dropped down Victor's body. His eyes were level with his stomach. Victor smiled and dropped his head back as Tawson's hands snaked under his shirt and skimmed over his skin. His breath hitched when Tawson's fingers brushed over his nipples. Immediately they pebbled and Victor's skin broke out in goosebumps.

"Do you like that?" Tawson's words sounded intrigued. Victor opened his eyes and looked down at the man playing with him.

"I'm not opposed," Victor said with a sly smile. He leaned down and kissed Tawson. Tawson parted his lips and let Victor take the lead. His tongue slid along his and the stubble on Tawson's face scratched against his bare skin. He could barely grow a shadow of a beard, much less the full one that Tawson could. He loved the feel of it. Tawson's hands moved blindly down his body and tugged on the shorts he was wearing.

Victor's cock was semi hard already. It seemed to be the usual status whenever Tawson was within viewing distance of Tawson. He let his shorts drop and climbed onto Tawson's lap. He sat with his knees on either side of Tawson and wrapped his arms around his neck. Tawson's arms snaked around him and he moved his lips to kiss down his neck. The heat between them was rising quickly.

"Can I ask you something?" Victor asked between series of small kisses against his skin. Their hands were everywhere on each other. It was uncoordinated but hot.

"Of course," Tawson said easily. His hands gripped Victor's hips and Victor ground his cock against the bulge in Tawson's trousers. "Fuck, Vic. That feels good."

He repeated the motion once more, smiling when Tawson groaned at the contact. He slowed his movements until he was just sitting on Tawson's lap. He kissed him once more before taking a deep breath. Victor smiled, his hand brushing down the back of Tawson's head. "Can I suck you off?"

Victor waited for a response. He could feel his own body heat with embarrassment. He wanted that to come off more sensual than it did, but he didn't know how else to ask. He couldn't stop replaying their first night together and how good it felt. He wanted to give that back to Tawson, to share that with him. But he didn't say anything and Victor started to worry that he crossed a line. He wasn't exactly sure what they were doing together, what they were to each other. He'd shared his most private secret with him.

He felt dumb for asking. He started to move, to pull back and stand up. But Tawson's hands held him in place. "Wait, I'm sorry. I just- You caught me off guard. Is that something you want to do?"

"Are you kidding? It's all I've been thinking about. If we had the time, I'd be ready for you to throw me on the bed and take me right here, right now." Tawson's face was a mix of shock and something else. Victor couldn't place the second emotion.

"I want to," Tawson said. He rubbed his hands up and down Victor's thighs, like he was nervous and trying to rub his palms against his own pants. "I need to tell you something before, though. Just- Just in case it doesn't go well."

Victor tilted his head. This time, Tawson let him slide off his lap. He moved to sit crisscross on the bed, facing him. Tawson turned his head to look at Victor. Or, at his lap. Tawson wasn't looking him in the eyes. But that didn't stop Victor from seeing the pain cross his face. Victor held Tawson's hand in both of his.

"You know I was married before," Tawson said. His voice was shaking. "No, wait, sorry. Let me back up a little more. I came out as bi my junior year of high school. I'd only casually dated up until that point, but branched out, I guess you could say, the summer before college.

"I met my ex-wife my first semester of college. We spent the whole four years together. She knew my sexuality and said it never bothered her. When we graduated, I proposed and we were married two months later. We bought a house, a new car, even had a couple of cats we adopted over the five years we were married."

Tawson took a shaky breath. Whatever was coming, Victor knew he wasn't going to like hearing it. He could see a tear roll down Tawson's cheek but before he could react, Tawson reached up and wiped it away. He finally looked at Victor and his heart shattered. Whatever they were, whatever they were doing together- It didn't matter. He could see the pure pain in his face. "I loved her. I was happy with our life. We went out one night with some friends to celebrate something, a birthday maybe. We were all drinking and having a good time."

He shook his head, like he wanted the memories to go away but he kept going. Victor lifted his hand and kissed across his knuckles, hoping that it was coming across as comforting. "The details that night are hazy. But I remember feeling more messed up than I should be with the amount I drank. My vision was blurry and I could hardly walk in a straight line. I asked to go home, but she wasn't ready to leave our friends. Her friends. So, I decided to get a car back home. The next thing I remember was waking up in a hotel room that I didn't book. I was alone but… I was sore. In a lot of places. I couldn't find my phone and I had no memories of the night before. The hotel staff had to call my wife because I was still out of it past their checkout time. She'd ended up staying at a friend's place and thought I'd just gone home."

Victor could put together what happened. He could feel the tears in his own eyes. He wanted to crawl back into Tawson's lap, hold him, make the memories go away. He was at a loss for words but Tawson continued.

"I went to the hospital and told the doctor what happened. They said the testing came back inconclusive. Said that there was evidence of lube consistent with condoms, which was the only positive thing. But because of that, they couldn't rule it one way or another. My blood work came back with traces of Rohypnol, but they still wrote it off as undetermined."

"I'm so sorry," Victor said. This time he did move and wrapped his arms around Tawson. He could hear him choking back sobs. Victor couldn't find anymore words. Nothing could make this better. "I'm sorry."

"The worst part was that Jessica didn't believe me. She accused me of cheating and our friends took her side. I guess, during the investigation, they found that the hotel room had been booked with my credit card. I tried to fight it in court, but it was useless. She got the house and the car, she got my entire retirement from my last job."

"Tawson." Victor pulled back to look at him. His eyes were red and tears were streaking down his face. Victor knew his face looked similar. The moments they shared, laughing, cuddling, just talking. The panic attacks made sense. His own hurt was turning to anger .

"That was a while ago," Tawson continued. He brushed his thumbs under Victor's eyes, like he needed the comfort. "We separated immediately. She wouldn't let me stay in the house. Then she served me with the divorce papers. I only tried to fight it for a month, but this is Texas and everyone knew that I'd come out as bi in school. Everything was stacked against me. I knew Daniel from a conference he'd guest lectured for teachers. After everything was said and done, I reached out to him through email and he got me in contact with William."

"I don't know what to say," Victor said honestly. "We don't have to do anything, Tawson. I told you, I was good with just hanging out."

"No, Vic, that's not why I told you." Tawson tugged him closer, adjusting both of them so he was back on his lap straddling him. "I want to. I've done the therapy and I know this wasn't my fault. I know that. But I haven't been with anyone since that happened. I don't know what it is about you, but I want all of that again. I just- I might need to take it slow when it comes to my body. And I don't like to bottom. I don't think I could do that."

"That's fine with me," Victor said. "I'm not a fan of topping. It just seems.. blah."

"Blah?" Tawson let out the smallest of snickers. Victor counted that as a win. "I don't want you to think about this anymore, okay? It's in the past and I've decided to restart my therapy through the foundation. I just need you to be aware that certain things might take me a little longer to be comfortable with."

"I don't ever want to make you uncomfortable," Victor said. "I know it's only been a couple of weeks, but Tawson, I really like you. "

"I really like you too," Tawson whispered. He dipped his head and pressed his forehead against Victor's chest. "And I want to give you everything, but I don't think my body is agreeing with how fast we're moving."

"Then we'll go slow," Victor said easily. Victor kissed the top of Tawson's head and then gripped his chin between his thumb and index finger. "I hate that I have to go to class, but will you stay with me here, tomorrow night? We have the Queer club and you have to be here Friday anyway."

"I don't know if we should risk that," Tawson said. His hands ran down Victor's back. "I can't afford to lose this job, Vic."

"I get it," Victor said. He tried not to pout, but he was also tired of the once a week sleepover. "But I'll see you this weekend?"

"Yes." He leaned closer and kissed him. Victor let the kiss linger, but neither of them took it any further. "Just give me until Friday, okay?"

"As long as you need, Tawson." Victor stood up and held his hand out for Tawson to stand as well. He wrapped his arms around the man and held him tight. "Text me when you made it home, okay?"

"And you be careful going out tonight."

"I will," Victor said. "I'll text you when I'm back all snug in my bed."

Tawson gave him one more kiss and then let him go so he could get dressed. True to his earlier statement, he sat back on the bed and watched Victor get dressed. Victor sent him a glare when he heard him laugh at the way his cock was fully hard. He liked when Tawson watched him, apparently.

"I'll hang back for a few so we aren't walking out together." Victor had already locked his bedroom door. He'd decided, while getting dressed, that he would bring the underwear and skirt home this weekend. Tawson shared his past, the worst moments of his life, with him. It was hard to hear, hard to understand. But he understood the panic attacks, how his body forced him to stop from moving forward.

He trusted Tawson without reason. It was an instant attraction and he didn't know how they would navigate it but he was willing to make it work. He kissed him once more before he opened the door and walked out of the building.