6. Gabriel

6

GAbrIEL

M y heart aches as I lie there next to Bella, feeling her slowly falling asleep in my arms.

I want to hold her as close as I possibly can, to not stop touching her until I can convince myself that this is real, that I'm not in a dream, that I won't wake up and find her gone. I've been so focused on her fears, on every terrible thing that this might dredge up for her, that I haven't had time or space to think about everything that it brings up for me . But lying in the darkened bedroom, the warmth of her body sinking into my skin as her breathing turns slow and even, and I feel her go soft against me, all I can think is that this fear of loss is why I've fought against the feelings that I have for her so hard.

Losing Delilah was a blow I've often thought I would never recover from. The only thing that kept me going, for a long time afterward, was the knowledge that I had to be a functioning father for my children. Without them, I've often thought that I would have fallen apart completely and let myself be consumed by grief. But I've also often wondered if having that to focus on kept me from fully facing what it meant to lose someone I loved so much.

Now, after nearly losing Bella, that fear feels all-consuming. I told myself that I didn't have the capacity to love again, that that was why I told her this could never be more than a casual fling, but the truth is that I'm afraid of it. Just the thought of losing her feels like someone is carving a knife through my chest.

I'm afraid of losing her in any way. I'm afraid of everything that I have to deal with, all of my past, being too much and destroying this thing that we've built here, the connection that she has with my children, and everything that's done for them. I'm afraid of not being able to love her well enough, and her walking away. And I'm afraid of something happening to her, of having another woman that I love die, and how deeply that might break me.

It's easier, better, to not love her that way. But I'm no longer sure if I'm even on the precipice, and if I am, I'm very close to falling.

I'll have to face it eventually, and decide what path to take. But I know that right now isn't the time, no matter how tangled my emotions feel—and at least partially because of that.

When I'm sure that she's so deeply asleep that getting up won't wake her, I slowly extricate myself from the bed, quietly stepping out of the room and closing the door behind me. I see Agnes and Aldo immediately, sitting across from each other in the soft beige leather seats in the main aisle. Aldo has his feet up, his head tipped back, and his eyes closed, and Agnes has a book open on her lap, but I can tell that she's not really reading it. When she sees me coming down the aisle, she sets it down and gets up, meeting me halfway to sit in one of the nearby seats.

"How is she?" she asks quietly, and I sink down across from her with a sigh.

"Asleep. Worn out from all of it." I run a hand through my hair, feeling exhaustion creeping in at the edges for me, too. "Still scared. I'm hoping we'll all feel safer once we land in Italy."

"You don't think he'll come for her there, too?" It's a plain question, with no malice in it. There's no implication in Agnes' voice that she thinks I should have left Bella, or that Bella is putting us in danger now. There's just the urge to be prepared, and that's one I can understand.

"I don't know." I rub my hand over the back of my neck. "She said that he was going to marry her. That adds a layer that wasn't there before—now I've taken his supposed fiancée, in his mind. He may see it as the second time a D'Amelio woman has been ‘stolen' from his family. He's gaining ammunition here, but I couldn't leave her. I especially couldn't have left her knowing that."

"Of course not. No one would have expected you to." Agnes leans back in her seat, looking tired, too, and older than usual. "I didn't expect this much excitement in my golden years, Gabriel. Especially not living with you." She manages a small smile. "As long as the children stay safe?—"

"They will," I say quickly, automatically. Anything else is unthinkable.

"A man who would hurt children deserves whatever is coming to him." There's a thin thread of venom in Agnes' voice that I've never heard before. "But you need to be prepared, Gabriel. That's all I'm saying. Italy feels like a long way away, but is it, for a man like that? He caught you unaware once. It's important it doesn't happen again."

"I know." I glance behind me, in the direction of the other bedroom. "Are they still awake?"

"Probably." Agnes sighs. "All this has them unsettled, too. You should look in on them for a few minutes. Reassure them both."

"I planned on it." I reach over, giving her hand a squeeze, before getting up. "Get some rest. It'll be evening again, by the time we land."

I knock on the bedroom door, and hear Cecelia's small voice telling me to come in. When I walk in, I see her on one side of the large bed with a book, while Danny sits cross-legged on the floor, zooming his cars back and forth.

"Is Bella okay?" It's the first question out of her mouth, and it warms something in my chest, that my children love her so much. At the same time, it's part of what holds me back from trying to make anything about what I feel for Bella real. They already lost their mother. I don't want to be the reason that someone else is snatched from them, just because I couldn't keep things professional with Bella.

"She's going to be fine," I reassure her, sinking down onto the edge of the bed. "She's just getting some rest. She's very tired, but in a couple of days, she'll be right back to running around with you two. Just be patient with her for a little while, okay? She might still be pretty tired for a little bit."

Cecelia nods solemnly. "I'll make sure Danny behaves," she says with all the sincerity of an older sister. Danny looks up from his toy cars, a petulant expression on his face.

"I always behave," he mumbles, before returning to pushing his Batmobile back and forth.

Cecelia sits there quietly for a moment, reaching for her doll—still the one that Bella picked out, the one in the Victorian-style dress. She toys with the end of one piece of silky brown hair, her expression pensive. "We're going to Italy because the house isn't safe anymore, aren't we?" she asks, her voice very quiet, as if she's trying to keep Danny from hearing. "Are we going to be safe there?"

"I'll make sure of it," I promise her, and I hope to the very depths of my bones that's a promise I can keep. I don't want to lie to my daughter, but I also don't want her to live every day afraid, wondering if every sound, every strange noise, every knock on a door is someone coming to shatter her world. My job as a father is to make my children feel safe, and right now, I feel like I've failed horribly.

"What's it like?" Cecelia's fingers drop to a bow on her doll's dress, tugging anxiously at that. "This place we're going to."

"You'll love it," I assure her, putting as much enthusiasm in my voice as I can. I want her and Danny to be excited, to give them something to look forward to, to replace the fear of what just happened. "It was your grandparents' estate, before they moved to New York. There's a huge old house there—it's going to need some repairs and TLC, but it's beautiful, and?—"

"Is it haunted?" There's a tinge of excitement in Cecelia's voice, and I can't help but smile.

"It might be," I tell her gravely, and her eyes widen.

"I hope so. I want to meet a ghost."

"There's a ton of property to run around on, too. A vineyard, and a big lake for swimming—it's the perfect time of year for it, and you'll love it. And racehorses?—"

"Can I ride one of them?" Danny pipes up.

"I don't know about one of the racehorses. They're very sensitive, and a little dangerous. But there's a couple of ponies, and you can absolutely learn how to ride on them."

Cecelia lets out a small gasp of excitement, and just like that, I can feel the mood in the room shift. It turns from something anxious and fearful to a sense of hope, and I feel the tension in my shoulders relaxing, just a little.

"You two should get some rest, though," I tell her, glancing over at Danny as well. "Your sleep schedules are going to be all messed up when we get to Italy. And that's okay; it's kind of a vacation. But you should try to get some sleep right now, while you'd technically be asleep if we were back home."

"We haven't been on a family vacation in a long time." Cecelia looks at me, her expression thoughtful. "Not since Mama?—"

She breaks off, and I know she doesn't want to say it aloud. None of us do. I can count the number of times on one hand that any of us have ever referred to Delilah as dead aloud, and I can't help but wonder, at this moment, if maybe there's something to that. If the fact that none of us want to say it means that none of us can really accept it, and start to move on.

I'm no therapist, but it feels like a possibility. It's also something I can't face right now, with so much else breathing down my neck.

"Well, think of this as a family vacation," I tell her firmly, tugging down the covers so she can slide in. I motion to Danny, and he reluctantly puts his cars aside, letting me swing him into bed next to his sister. "The first of many," I add, promising myself that when everything is safe again, I'll make a point of planning more of them. I've spent a lot of time ensuring that I'm home in the evenings, that Cecelia and Danny live lives that feel as normal and grounded as two kids who live in a mansion and go to private school can feel, but I know I need to do more. Cecelia is close to being a teenager—she should see more of the world. So should Danny. We should be going on more family outings, taking trips, and exploring. I promise myself that we'll do more of that in the future.

I tuck them both in, giving Cecelia and Danny each a kiss on the forehead. I get up, walking to turn off the light before I leave, and just as my finger touches the switch, I hear Cecelia speak up once more, her voice already drowsy.

"Since it's a family vacation, I'm glad that Bella's here with us, too."

I feel a deep jolt in my chest, a feeling like a hand squeezing my heart. I'm risking their happiness, if I try to find mine with Bella. The thought hits me again, ever-present, always lurking. But there's another thought, too, right behind it. One that keeps coming back, ever since I first laid Bella out on that lounge chair by the pool.

What if Bella and I finding happiness together is what keeps her here forever? What if it could be what really makes us a family, what makes this permanent?

I reach out, flicking off the light switch. "Me, too," I murmur softly, as I step out into the hallway.

When I walk back into the other bedroom, Bella is still deeply asleep, on her side just as I left her, curled up beneath the blankets. I slide into bed next to her, the cozy sensation of the warmth she's created wrapping itself around me.

Gently, I rest my hand on her hip. She doesn't stir, but as I lie there, it's all I can do not to let myself imagine how it would feel to have her here like this with me forever.

It makes me want to do whatever is necessary to make that happen.