17. Sixteen

I sat on the porch, my feet dangling over the side, smoke trailing up against a starry sky. River, Xavier, Theo, and Boone had been inside working to clean up the back bedroom for the last hour. No one had come out to check on me or talk to me, and I was just fine with that. After everything that’d happened in the last twenty-four hours, it was nice to be alone with my thoughts.

I thought it’d be awful once the Laskins found out that I was free and where I was. I even worried they’d come to put me down like the mad dog I was. I’d imagined I’d feel terrified. Instead, all I felt was relief and… grief.

Being so physically close to Xander and Xavier without touching them felt wrong. Before that awful night when I was fourteen, we were always touching. Always holding hands, leaning against each other, shoving each other around in play fights. I missed that easy contact.

I missed them.

It wasn’t easy to admit it, but now that they were right there, all I could think about was what we used to have, and how it’d never be the same again.

The front door swung open behind me. I twisted to see Xander stepping out.

He rubbed his hands together and blew on them without looking at me. “Cold out here. How can you stand it?”

“I’m used to it,” I said and cupped my hand around the lighter, holding it to the end of my cigarette. I inhaled and exhaled before adding, “I’m also not wearing leggings and a crop top sweater.”

Xander frowned, arms crossed over his bare midriff. “True. You were always the practical one.”

“Before I went crazy, you mean.” I rolled my head over my shoulder to look at him. “You can come closer, you know. I’m not going to bite.”

“Joke’s on you. I’m into that shit.” Xander dropped onto the wooden porch next to me, throwing his long legs over the side. His designer heels tapped against the wood. “So, six years.”

“Six years,” I echoed, staring out at the messy yard.

I closed my eyes and reached into the dark recesses of my mind, trying to grab hold of memory scraps from that night. Everything had changed then, but I barely remembered it.

“I’m sorry I never came to see you at the hospital,” Xander said, fidgeting with his hands.

I looked over at him. “I didn’t expect you to after what I did.”

He shook his head. “It’s not just that. I mean, at first it was. I didn’t want to see you because I was angry and hurt. I couldn’t believe you’d hurt me like that.”

“I wasn’t in control of myself.”

“I know that.” Xander tipped his head back looking up at the stars. “Knowing it and accepting it are two different things. I didn’t know how to deal with what happened. I... I blamed myself for a long time. I knew something was off with you. I should’ve helped you. Should’ve said something. Anger morphed into guilt and then I felt guilty for not going to see you. After a while, it just became easier to pretend you disappeared.”

“Ouch,” I said, even though I understood.

“Yeah.” He sighed. “I know it wasn’t right.”

“Neither was what I did to you,” I said. “It was fucked up. I was fucked up. But it’s in the past. I kind of just want to move on from it now. Maybe we can start over?”

He chewed on his lip.

I pulled one leg up and twisted to face him. “Look,” I said, tossing the cigarette butt out into the yard. “I’m never going to be normal.”

Xander snorted. “None of us is normal, Ten.”

Something squeezed in my chest to hear the old nickname coming from him. It was one of those holdover words from when we were really young and we had our own language. A lot of the words had faded, forgotten with time, but we never forgot our words for each other.

“I know that, Dee. But I’m trying,” I said. “Is it weird that I think I’d be better if we weren’t strangers?”

“It’s not weird,” he said, turning to face me, mimicking my posture. “Weird is what I’d call the last six years without you.”

My throat was suddenly tight like I was choking. “I’m sorry, Dee.”

I stiffened when Xander unexpectedly put his arms around me. He smelled like strawberries and sunshine, just like I remembered. “Me too, Ten,” he said.

Even though it was a foreign thing, I hugged him back.

“Ugh,” he said, pushing me back. “You reek of cigarettes. That’s such a nasty habit.”

“Could be worse.” I said with a shrug. “It calms my nerves.”

“So, you smoke now?” Xavier said, strolling out onto the porch.

“I drink and cuss too.”

“And fuck mercenaries, apparently.” He snorted and sat down on the other side of me.

“Loudly. In bathrooms,” Xander added.

Xavier and I stared at each other for a minute. Unlike Xander, he’d come to see me a few times, but I only barely remembered those days. They were always changing my meds around in there, and things got jumbled. The last time he came with River, I was in the middle of one of my worst psychotic episodes since going inside.

“Long time no see,” Xavier offered quietly.

“Long enough,” I said with a shrug. “I’m pretty sure I was a dick to you last time anyway.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it isn’t, but I really don’t want to talk about that shit right now.”

“Okay,” Xavier said, shrugging. “So you and Boone, huh?”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “You got a problem with that.”

“Not really. We just didn’t know you were gay.”

“I’m not gay,” I scoffed. “I like girls too. I think.”

I could count the number of consensual sexual encounters I’d had on one hand, and most of them were with Boone. In the hospital ward, I’d gotten a few blowjobs from girls and guys who traded them for pills and cigarettes, but that was mostly a convenience thing. Sex wasn’t something I thought about often until I was with Boone, and it’d never occurred to me that I’d someday have to put a label on my sexuality.

“It’s cool if you’re bi or whatever,” Xavier said. “I’m ace and Xander’s queer, so we’re basically a pack of Skittles at this point.”

“Taste the rainbow,” Xander said, deadpan.

I looked over at Xander. “Queer, huh? What does that even mean?”

He pursed his lips and shrugged. “There’s a longer version, but basically I’m not straight and gender is all made up bullshit. Honestly, I just really like to fuck and look fabulous doing it. I mean, look at me. Am I hot or what? I’d fuck me.”

“Okay, Buffalo Bill,” Xavier said, rolling his eyes.

“Who’s Buffalo Bill?” I asked with a frown.

Xander gasped and put an arm around me. “Oh my God. He’s never seen Silence of the Lambs.”

“That’s it. I’m scheduling a watch party.” Xavier got his phone out.

“We need to make Shepherd watch it with us,” Xander suggested.

Xavier huffed. “It’s your funeral.”

“Hold on.” I put my hands up. “I didn’t agree to this.”

“Too bad, Ten,” Xander said, getting out his phone. “What’s your number so I can add you to the chat?”

I opened my mouth and closed it before grimacing. “I don’t… I don’t have a phone.”

“Well, at least I know what to get you for Christmas,” Xavier said, tucking his phone away.

“And maybe some puppy ears, huh?” Xander reached to touch my collar.

I grabbed his hand and shoved it away.

“Oooh,” he teased. “Someone’s touchy.”

“Just leave it alone,” I growled.

“So you’re like… Boone’s sub or something?” Xavier asked, tipping his head to one side. “Is that what the collar’s about?”

I touched my fingers to the collar hugging my neck. I’d almost forgotten it was there. “It’s not a sex thing. I just like it. That’s all.”

That was only half-true, but I didn’t want to drag all that baggage out into the open with anyone yet. I’d already done enough self-examination for one day.

Xander winked. “Don’t feel bad. You should hear some of the shit we’re into.”

“Shit you’re into, you mean,” Xavier reached behind me to shove Xander.

“Hey, don’t act like you’re not as much of a freak as me.”

I sighed and finally lit my cigarette. “So we’re all freaks. That’s good to know.”

“You want to hear about freaks, you should ask River about his fiancé,” Xavier suggested.

“River’s engaged? No shit?”

Xander nodded. “And he’s got his hubs-to-be’s name carved into his chest. They did it with a box cutter.”

I winced. “Sounds painful.”

Xavier shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s kind of romantic.”

“War is engaged too,” Xander said, pulling his knees up. “And Nikita is running shit with the vory… A lot’s changed while you were inside, Ten.”

“Don’t worry.” Xavier smiled and patted my back. “We’ll get you all caught up.”

It was comforting how quickly we fell back into our old banter, teasing each other and exchanging gossip. They seemed less like strangers somehow. It was like with that one conversation, a wall that’d stood built between us for six long years had started to come down. We weren’t back to normal. It’d take time to get there, but that night, sitting together on the porch, was a start.

As we chatted, we inexplicably crowded in tighter. Maybe it was just because we were warmer, all huddled together, and maybe we just missed each other, but we wound up in a weird sort of pile, all leaning on each other. Xander had his arm around me, his chin on my shoulder while he used his other hand to hold out his phone so he could show me some video he was talking about. Xavier mirrored his position on the other side, using my other shoulder as a chin rest, except he had his arms folded under his chin.

“There’s something I always wanted to ask you, Ten,” Xavier said slowly once the video was over.

I braced myself for the inevitable questions about the night that changed everything, the night I attacked Xander, but they didn’t come.

Xavier pulled his knees up, mirroring my posture but facing the other way. “Do you ever wonder about how our lives would be different if we’d stayed with our real parents?”

I clenched my jaw and bit my tongue until it hurt. Leave it to Xavier to bring that shit up.

“Shitty, that’s how it’d be,” Xander cut in, and I was grateful we were on the same page for once. He threw a glare at our brother. “If we had good parents, we’d be with them. End of story.”

Xavier sighed. “I know, but—”

“But nothing,” I cut in. “They were bad people. End of story.”

“But how do you know?” Xavier leaned the side of his head against his knee. “Maybe they’re out there somewhere looking for us. And if they were, would you want to know?”

Xander frowned. “Annie said they were dead… Mom wouldn’t lie to us. Would she?” He looked at me.

I stared out at the yard wishing for another cigarette, but too frozen in place to reach for one. Something in me clenched tight.

Once, I’d called her Mom, too, but now… Who was she to me? Annie had taken me in when no one else would, loved me when no one else could, sheltered me and raised me. Yet there was nothing in my heart but malice for the woman who’d so easily turned her back on me. I could count on one hand the number of times she’d come to visit me in the hospital. That wasn’t how a mother treated a son.

I could forgive Xander and Xavier, but Annie… She was supposed to be my mother.

I flinched when Xavier put a hand on my leg.

“It’s not her fault,” he said. “She wanted to be there for you all the time, Xion. It ate her up inside that she couldn’t be.”

I pulled away. “She had a funny way of showing it. While she was feeling guilty, I was getting drugged, beaten, and raped.”

“We didn’t know,” Xander said.

“You would’ve if you’d paid more attention. If you’d been there.” I hugged myself tight, trying not to sink into the despair I’d felt before.

How many nights had I curled up tight in my hospital bed and cried myself to sleep? Why didn’t someone love me enough to save me? My mother and my brothers were supposed to love me unconditionally, but it seemed like they didn’t even know the meaning of the word unconditional. When I needed them most, they weren’t there.

The worst part about the abuse wasn’t that it happened; it was that I went through it alone. I had to. Who was going to believe a guy who hears voices? Even when I tried to tell someone what Harold was doing to me, nobody listened. Nobody fucking cared about the schizophrenic boy in room twelve. It was easier to shut me up with pills or shove me in a padded room and let me scream it out than to face the truth. I wasn’t the fucking monster. The monster was on the hospital’s payroll.

So I gave up on saviors.

I waited five years for someone to save me, but no one came. I had to learn how to save myself.

“I’m sorry,” Xander said, squeezing my hand. “I can’t change that. I wish I could, but I can’t. All I can say is that we’re here now, and that we’ll try to do better.”

The words felt hollow. It was too little too late, but I wanted to hear them just the same.

Xavier nodded and took my other hand. “And now that we’ve found you again, we’re not letting you go.”

I pulled my hands away. “I wasn’t lost. I was alone. I’m still alone.”

“Xion,” Xavier started, and Xander finished, “don’t be like that.”

I sighed. The conversation was unexpectedly exhausting. “What do you want from me?”

My brothers exchanged a glance before Xavier said, “Harold was only one small part of a larger operation we’re working to take down. If you help us—”

“No.”

“What do you mean no?” Xander demanded. “Don’t you want revenge for what they did to you?”

I shrugged and shook my head. “I do, but I’d rather do it on my own. I don’t want to work with the Laskins.”

“But you are a Laskin,” Xavier insisted and reached for me.

I stood, moving out of range. “I haven’t been a Laskin for six years.”

Xander found his feet. “Just because you changed your last name—”

“No,” I barked, my lip curling. “You have no idea what I’ve been through. You don’t even know that Shepherd sold me to Boone, do you?”

Xander’s eyes widened. “What?”

Xavier stood, fists balled. “Shepherd did what?” His voice was stone cold.

“How the fuck do you think I got out? Boone did a job for the Laskins and I was part of the payment. Shepherd smuggled a weapon in and had me fucking stabbed so I’d be in the hospital when War showed up. War got me out and handed me over to Boone like I was fucking property, all so they could split a four-million-dollar bounty.”

“Wait, what?” Xander’s face paled. “What bounty?”

Xavier crossed his arms and said nothing. He didn’t even flinch.

I stared at Xavier in disbelief. “You knew. I know you knew. Leo hacked your computer.”

Hurt flashed in Xander’s eyes as he looked at Xavier. “You knew this shit was going down and you didn’t tell me?”

Xavier rolled his eyes. “Like you tell me everything you do? When was the last time you told me where you were going, huh? You don’t. You just fucking disappear for days and leave me wondering if you’re dead or alive. Then you show up covered in bruises with no explanation and I’m just supposed to do nothing?” He threw his hands up. “Yes, I knew about the bounty. Shepherd said he had it handled. I didn’t know it was connected to all this shit. It doesn’t matter, though, because no one is collecting. Whoever’s behind it is being dealt with.”

“Says who?” I demanded, crossing my arms.

Something dark flashed in Xavier’s eyes as our gazes met and clashed. “You’re going to have to trust me, Xion. It’s dealt with.”

I didn’t trust anyone, least of all my own family. Especially Xavier when he was looking at me like that. If there was one thing I’d learned, it was that I had to look out for myself first. Whoever was behind the bounty, I’d deal with him myself.

The front door opened, and River stepped through. “There you are. Body’s loaded and ready for transport. Are you done here? I want to get back to Theo.”

“We’re not done,” Xander said.

“Yes, we are.” I shook a cigarette out from the pack and placed it between my lips. “It was good to see you both.” I turned away to light it.

“Wait.” Xavier reached as if to touch my shoulder, but stopped himself. His hand fell limply to his side. “You’re staying with Boone, right? At the junkyard? Would it be okay if we came by sometimes? Just me and Xander.”

I glanced at Xander who nodded. My chest tightened, the urge to go to my brothers and put my arms around them again almost too strong to resist. “I don’t know. It’s Boone’s place.”

Xavier folded his arms. “I don’t care how much of a badass he is. Boone can’t keep us apart.”

Where was all this loyalty when I was locked up in the hospital?I thought bitterly and immediately felt guilty. They were trying to do better. Wasn’t that what I wanted?

Before I could reply, Boone stepped out onto the porch. “It’s our place. Family’s always welcome provided they can behave themselves.”

Relief washed over me as Boone gripped the collar on the back of my neck, and I fought the urge to turn into him and nuzzle against his chin. I hated how everything felt better whenever he touched me like that, how grounding it was, but I needed it.

“You might regret saying that,” Xavier said, coming to offer his hand to Boone. Boone took it, grunting in surprise when Xavier yanked him closer. “If you hurt my brother, I don’t care what kind of military black ops training you’ve had. I will find you, and I will kill you. Slowly.”

“Message received.” Boone said, squeezing his hand right back.

I exchanged tense hugs with Xander and Xavier and a distant glare with River, promising I’d call them. I wouldn’t. Couldn’t even if I’d wanted to since I didn’t have a phone. But if I did, I still wasn’t sure they’d be who I’d call. Not yet, anyway. I hoped that, one day soon, things would change and we’d be close again, but it was too early to tell.

I stood on the porch and smoked my cigarette, watching them leave in the hearse. An empty void threatened to open in my chest.

Boone swept his thumb over the back of my neck and the void stopped growing. “You okay?”

“No,” I said, watching the taillights fade into the night.

I hugged myself tight and looked over at him, trying to ignore the way my heart did a little flip-flop. I told myself the sudden heat in my chest was because I was confused and desperate for anything that’d make me feel better. An orgasm would sure help, but I was too tired. I needed to rest and think through everything that’d happened.

Boone squeezed the back of my neck. “Let’s go home, Pup.”

“Home?” I repeated, like the word was a foreign concept.

“Back to the junkyard. Unless there was something else you wanted?”

Was the junkyard my home now? “No,” I said with an exhausted sigh. “Let’s go home.”