16

The next morning, I woke the remaining fairies besides the two queens. It was only a hundred thousand for the last time, but a lot of them were injured, and people were immediately jumping in to help and heal. I did as well as soon as I recovered, and what I'd learned was already a huge help.

Plus, my dad was there, and nothing beat the demigod normally.

But when I saw several people with broken wings, I had that feeling again—more could be done. The wings weren't amputated like Stefanie's. It wasn't gone , just… Mutilated sounded so wrong. Nothing sounded right and it was all cruel.

Damaged beyond what current magic could help.

Which was why I slipped away and skipped the celebrations awaiting the last of our people. Not being able to help everyone we should have didn't seem like something to celebrate.

I found myself at the temple that was the center of the neutral zone between the realms. It was maybe the most beautiful one to me, and I knew that was partially because of what it stood for. It was always the first step in what had been so important to me.

In what I had accomplished—or I would when I became Queen of Faerie.

All Faerie.

I walked around lost in my thoughts before going inside and kneeling in the very center.

Please help me find a way to heal what we can't now. I know I'm being greedy. I know I'm asking too much and we can't heal everyone, but I think this time—I think this is possible. It feels possible, and if I didn't ask for help and it was, I would never forgive myself. Please. I want to let her have a normal life after the abuse she has suffered.

I want to give the same to my people who have endured too much. I know I cannot fix anything amputated. I'm not delusional but those wings—her leg and arm. The bones are there but too smashed or mangled. If I can heal fairies from the deathly toxin of demons, there has to be a way I can do this too. We can. I humbly beg for help, or tell me it's not possible and give me peace.

Immediately, I received a warning not to be so demanding and the gods weren't my pets to ask for favors. Yeah, that was fair, but it never hurt to ask.

Well, it was probably that last part about giving me peace if it really wasn't possible.

It seemed some other gods didn't like that attitude and sent me several messages… At once.

Ouch.

Seriously. Fucking ouch .

It knocked me out. I went from accepting what the first god said to overloaded and lights out.

I woke with a gasp, someone shaking me and emotions practically pouring all over me.

"Your Grace, you must calm yourself!" someone bellowed.

"Mate, fuck off with the volume," I mumbled and then grabbed my head with a groan. "I still don't know if I believe all of this or—tell my dad when he goes to Paradise with the gods he needs to kick their asses. Or someone put in a fucking order system like at the deli."

"Okay, well, that explains what happened," Shael said as she practically plopped on the ground. "Someone came to pray and just found you unconscious here. We had no idea about—fuck, Tamsin. Seriously, we thought the worst."

"Sorry." I realized it was Neldor holding me and patted his arm to let me up.

"Don't fucking move because I'm barely holding it together," he rasped. "You were barely—your heart was too quiet and—" He tried to swallow a sob as he buried his face in my hair.

"I'm fine, Nel. It was probably just a shock—I want some fucking migraine meds or—" I sighed when he put healing runes on me with my magic. "Thanks."

"Meira received messages and—not like this," Shael worried.

"Aunts and uncles are a bit pushier," I joked. "That's still so fucking weird to say, but—I asked for help and…" I sat up, careful not to crash my head into Neldor's. "I got the answer."

"Answer to what, baby doll?" Neldor asked as I tried to stand. "Tams, chill. Just fucking take a minute to—"

"I can't. They're in pain." I teleported back to where we woke fairies. People were being helped still and fed, most with a family member or someone they knew.

Except one.

I looked for a bit and found him sitting off to the side, quietly crying and trying to eat. He was the one I'd seen earlier who didn't have any family or friend for him, but a volunteer. I'd seen him thank the person and lie he was fine after the healer informed him that his wings couldn't be fixed.

He was the one who looked like Rich. Not physically, but that lost, destroyed look that was giving up and nothing could ever be good in the world again.

The look that he just wanted the pain and his life to stop.

I squatted down in front of him, tears running down my cheeks. "Please don't give up. Please, it's not over."

"It's too much," he rasped. "They all died in the war and now I can't even fly. I'll be an outcast and—"

"That's changed," I promised, not able to keep calm. I dropped to my knees and covered his hands with mine. "I am changing that and—I asked the gods for help. Please. I don't know if it will work. I don't know that I—it's all still crazy to me, but it's worked so far. I've made fae fire and healed people I shouldn't have been able to."

"Tamsin, please," Neldor whispered as he grabbed my arm and tried to pull me to my feet, obviously having given chase.

"No!" I shouted as I yanked away from him. "I can heal him! I won't lose another this way." I grabbed the fairy's hands again. "It will hurt. I don't know if it will work. The vision was clear to heal something so big, a price had to be paid. It couldn't be easy or people wouldn't learn to stop the fucking wars. Please, don't give up and try to endure the pain. I can help you."

"Your Highness, maybe we should—" someone tried to cut in.

Instead, I put a barrier up around the two of us, shutting them all out. "Please have faith in me like I have faith in you that you will get through this. You will grieve but then will heal and soar again. Your wing wasn't amputated. I can save it."

He searched my eyes a moment and nodded. "I trust you, My Queen."

Right then wasn't the time to correct or worry about the right fucking title, so I ignored it. "The pain will be more than you can bear but still bear it." I nodded when he did and stood, taking off my belt much to his confusion. "Bite on this."

His eyes went wide but nodded. He let out a slow breath and let out his wings before putting the belt between his teeth. Then he seemed to think better of us doing this standing and went onto all fours.

Yeah, smart. Much smarter, especially because I could see the damage better.

And it was bad. Both wings were mangled right in the center of his back and where they attached to his body. It was horrible.

I yanked off my own shirt and let my wings out as I built up my magic. Then I created fae fire that wasn't a ball but engulfed my hand… And was purple.

No, I had no idea what that meant either. It was a royal power since my wings were purple? I really didn't know.

I sent up a quick prayer that they really were visions and not someone messing with me. The scream he made even around my belt when I touched his wing hurt my ears. I couldn't focus on that though because I needed to concentrate. I needed to… I wasn't sure.

Picture a healthy wing?

What it used to be?

Both. I tried to give the intent to my magic of both.

It took a lot of magic and it rushed out of me fast.

I was confused when I saw blood drip on his wing but ignored it. That didn't matter.

Healing him and giving him hope so we didn't lose him was all that mattered.

The moment he passed out from the pain the fire died.

And a lot more blood landed on his wing.

Huh?

How can I heal the little girl if she has to be awake for me to do this? I cannot torture a child like that.

I didn't even realize something was wrong, but then I was just out.

Again.

Shit.

Yeah, I was so going to get yelled at for this and I wouldn't even blame them.

Immediately, I recognized that I was in a dream. It was always easy when I could see myself from someone else's perspective. I stepped out of Julian's view and took in the situation, knowing it was also right now.

"That's not possible," Onas whispered.

Shael snorted. "Neither was saving Cluym. Restarting Faerie. Any of it, Onas."

"I don't fucking care if it's possible or—is she okay?" Neldor bellowed. He glanced over to Julian, Hudson, Darby, and Lucca. "And why am I the only one freaking the fuck out here? What is wrong with you?" He pointed to Julian. "You arrived with blood pouring out of her nose!"

Oh shit. I was seriously in deep trouble then.

Julian sighed and tucked his hair behind his ears before sharing a glance with Hudson and Darby. "How many times do you think we've been through this with her?"

Darby snorted. "I've lost count how many times she's almost died."

"So you just stop caring?" Neldor bellowed and moved like he was going to go at Darby, but Taeral stopped him.

"Fuck you," Darby snapped. He gestured between himself, Hudson, and Julian. "We're fried , Neldor. This has been going on for years before you were even woken up. Since I've met her—fuck, the day I met her she practically tried to get herself killed calling out some of the most powerful and lethal people at school."

"Seeing her convulse when she took the medication to undo the human vaccines," Julian whispered as he looked up and wiped his eyes. "I still have nightmares seeing that. Experiencing it with her and how much pain she was in." He gave Neldor a hard look. "We're not tapped out."

"Our nervous systems can't ride the swings all of the time anymore," Hudson mumbled, his arms crossed over his wide chest as he stared at his feet. "And every time we beg her to not do it again but still, she fucking does. She always will no matter what we fucking say."

Ouch. Just… Ouch.

But he wasn't wrong which was why I curled into myself, even in the dream. I moved back from them a bit and sat, hugging my knees to my chest.

Lageos arrived and demanded to know what was going on and what my current condition was. Calarel confirmed I would be fine and nothing was broken. I just used way too much magic. Julian had shut it all down when he'd arrived, and the healers had immediately given me crystals with my power to help me.

My dad nodded and gave me some power as well and kissed my forehead. Then he spun around and demanded answers.

"We don't know, Lag," Iolas said quietly. "We have pieces. So just chill and we'll tell you." He nodded when my dad opened his mouth. "I know. I know . I was beside myself too, okay? Her nose was gushing blood and it was leaking out her fucking ears. I know."

That seemed to calm my dad down somehow, and he let out a few breaths before glancing between them for answers.

"You were here helping when she woke the rest of the frozen fairies," Shael said. "But she wasn't happy like the rest of us. I assumed it was because she knew who she had to wake next."

"I thought the same," Neldor whispered, rubbing his arm. "I'm even more conflicted and—she just seemed to need space but—she was lost in her head a bit, not like super upset or anything worrisome."

"Yes, it was like she needed space," Ara confirmed. "I saw her moving off to the side of everything, and we asked she please come find us before she left Faerie because I didn't want to get chewed out again. She nodded and then teleported away. So she just wanted—I thought she was going to go to her unicorns where she's safe."

Lageos calmed even more when several people nodded. It actually warmed my heart that so many of them noticed I was upset but did give me space and cared.

I shot myself in the foot for sure. They were going to hover after how I behaved.

Stupid princess.

"She went to the temple in the neutral zone," Neldor explained.

"That's her favorite temple," Lucca muttered, finally saying something. He nodded when a few people seemed shocked. "She says it was the foundation for what she's bled for—what so many have died for and will come true when she becomes queen. It's her favorite temple."

Neldor nodded but continued. "Someone found her there unconscious. Luckily, they immediately alerted Guardians and we were contacted. I felt something off, but I didn't understand—I didn't know it was her—" He let Taeral give him a half hug in comfort.

"She made a comment about having your relatives set up a damn queue system," Shael continued. "That the aunts and uncles were pushy. Then Prince Neldor tried to get her to settle, but she said she couldn't because they were in pain and she had the answer."

"The little girl she's trying to heal," Darby surmised. "She went to pray for help. That makes sense, but I don't understand how waking fairies…" He sighed and several people nodded.

"There were at least fifty with mangled wings who will never fly again," Onas said sadly but then snorted. "Or apparently, she can heal them now."

"What did you just say?" Morgan asked as he joined them with over a dozen captains including Dalyor. "The princess healed a damaged wing?"

"By the gods," people whispered when Shael, Onas, and Neldor all nodded.

"It's not all better," Shael started to say, but then Lageos slapped the wall and made it clear for her to focus. She nodded and met his gaze. "She came back to where we were helping those newly awoken and people say she was looking for someone. She found him and begged him not to give up on her…" She looked at Onas who swallowed loudly.

"We think she caught something that made it clear the man was suicidal," he said gently.

Several people there swore, knowing that was such an issue for me.

"She said she couldn't lose another this way," Neldor confirmed. "She was all worked up and too—she was sobbing and begging him to let her try. It was—"

"I was shocked at her behavior as well, but now I understand it," Shael said gently, reaching over and patting his shoulder. "There were already too many emotions all around us since we lost a few today as well."

"This is about more than that man or her human friend she lost," Julian said scrubbing his hand over his cheek. He shot Stefanie an apologetic look. "When I cut through her barrier and shut it all down, she talked in my mind before she passed out. She said, ‘I couldn't heal her, but I can heal him.'"

That was a shock to everyone… Including me. I didn't have any idea I'd said that.

Shit.

The shock was enough to pull me out of the dream and I sat up, blinking at Julian.

Understanding filled his eyes. "You saw everything we were talking about." It should have been a question, but it wasn't.

I nodded. "I'm so sorry."

He let out a heavy breath. "There are always risks with new magic. If yours didn't warn you to stop then…"

Everyone went tense when he trailed off, and I was pretty sure it was because guilt was all over my face.

"I'm so sorry."

Julian crossed his arms over his chest and stared at the floor. "I'm not sure that's enough this time, Tams."

"You're right," I accepted. "I didn't realize it was that bad though. I swear it. The warning came, and I thought just a bit more because it felt like I was almost there." I swallowed loudly when no one said anything. "How is he? Is someone watching him?"

I flinched when Hudson turned and punched the wall, making a hole in it before storming out of the room.

Julian raised his head and anger was thick in his eyes. "Is his life more valuable to you than mine? We're tied together, and you risked our lives when he wasn't in any danger of dying." He went to say more but then shook his head and followed after Hudson.

"I love you and I'm always on your side, but I need a moment to calm down before I say something I could regret," Darby muttered before following them.

"You're a fucking moron and I won't regret saying that," Neldor seethed. "I was willing to forgive you everything because I saw the frantic look in your eyes, but your fucking magic warned you and still you risked all of us—all of Faerie for one—you're a fucking moron."

He stormed out and most of the other fairies looked uncomfortable. A few muttering that they'd go get me food.

Yeah, I didn't blame them for wanting out of that situation.

"You will do better with your security," Lageos declared. "If you can't be a mature adult who can be trusted going off alone, especially when I keep seeing you come back with the box with Meira's magic and looking guilty, then you are not to be trusted. Or I will put a fucking tether on you until you care enough about your own life."

He teleported away before I could even respond.

I hugged my knees and broke down silently sobbing. I don't know how long I went on, but I realized I wasn't sitting on the cot anymore.

And a large warm hand was rubbing my back as someone snuggled my hair.

I blinked and slowly pulled away to meet hazel eyes full of worry. "Lucca?"

"Yeah, I'm here, cream puff," he whispered, kissing my forehead. "They brought your food. Can you please eat for me? You're still too low on the tank." He smiled when I nodded and moved me off of his lap.

I grabbed his arm and couldn't get my mouth to work for a few moments. "You stayed? You don't hate me?"

He let out a slow breath. "They don't hate you either, Tams. I'm not happy, but—yeah, I stayed. So please eat and we can talk about what happened. Not bad, but we need to discuss it."

That was fair. I nodded and let him go so he could bring over the bags of food. I smiled when I saw it was Taco Bell, wondering who went and got that for me. They didn't hate me either then, right?

"Iolas," he told me and opened another bag as he set a drink on a tray and rolled it to me. "And no one hates you. Everyone's just all over the place. I am too. You are too."

I ate because he asked me to and I was starving, but after shoveling in a dozen tasty chalupas, I had to push. "Why did you stay?"

He sighed. "Because I was there when you came back." He nodded when I frowned. "I was late for you waking them up, but I came to help. I thought I'd find you there relieved since it's over besides the queens. Or I worried you'd need hugs because they're who you have to wake next and it's all too much."

"Yeah, that was part of it," I admitted when he didn't say more, getting this was some serious give and take after I'd upset them all. I took a long drink. "I realized—I've accepted my future, and I think I will be a good queen. I could…"

"What, cream puff? Please talk to me."

"I never realized I needed to fill the void of two queens," I whispered, sounding confused to my own ears. "I just kept focusing on uniting Faerie and no more wars, that I would be queen like my mom. I don't think it really hit me that I had to take on the role of both of them before? Once I wake Neldor's mom, I take over for her basically."

"You already have," he hedged.

"Yeah, but not." I shrugged. "It just hit me weird. I don't know. And my magic has been agitating me like that answer's right there again. I hate that feeling, and there's just so much ." I reached for more food. "I really did just go to pray and clear my head. I swear."

"I believe you. You admit when you fuck up and I get it," he said calmly. "I think we should have a rule going forward that you don't go to the temples or pray alone. If the gods are going to give you visions or messages and they can seriously hurt you like this—you can't be alone for that. We'll give you space but—"

"That's fair," I accepted, nodding when he seemed hesitant. "I'm new to this part too, Lucca. I don't know I even believe half the time, and the other half I'm fucking terrified that the gods send me messages and visions on top of me getting visions like my mom."

"Which makes me think you've been getting some that you've not told us about," he busted, sighing when I fidgeted with my food. "I'm not upset. You told us when you were getting them—it's fucking personal. And you get tired of it always being about you." He smiled when my head snapped up. "Being the center of attention was forced on you, not your choice."

"Thanks, Lucca," I whispered, grateful he wasn't pushing that one.

He opened more chalupas and set them in front of me, clearly telling me to eat more. "I saw you arrive but was a bit away. You were—I was frozen in fear for a good couple of minutes." Tears filled his eyes when I met his gaze. "Tams, you were panicked. Terror was in your eyes. It was—it was overwhelming even from where I stood."

I opened my mouth but then closed it. "I think I had a vision from my power at the same time the gods gave me visions and messages? Or maybe once I was out?"

"That's fucking terrifying," Lucca groaned. "Can you tell me what you saw?" He gave me a moment but realized I couldn't get my mouth to work. "Did you see that guy dead?"

"Yes," I choked out, covering my face with my hand. "He jumped off one of our mountains to feel the wind again knowing he couldn't fly and would die. I felt it. I felt his despair and grief and shame that he wasn't a real fairy anymore." I tried to control my tears when I looked at him. "But I didn't know if that last one was his feelings or mine from everyone saying I'm not—"

"You are a real fairy, Tams. You're about to be queen of them."

"I know. I know, but sometimes I still don't feel like one, or what people have said echoes. I don't mean the media or other supes who want me out of power, but each of the commanders has thought it at one point, Lucca. Tons of fairies all around me. I'm not like them. I'm not one of them."

"You are, cream puff. You are," he murmured as he moved onto the cot with me. "Please keep eating."

I nodded and stuffed two more chalupas in my mouth. "I woke with a migraine, but when Neldor healed it, the vision hit me again and I had—I couldn't heal all of the fairies, but they were in pain because they didn't have hope. I had to give them hope, but I can't torture a little girl, and now no one will even tell me if I helped that guy or if anyone's watching him."

I broke down sobbing again, mad at myself for doing it, but I felt so lost and empty seeing Julian, Darby, Hudson, and Neldor walk out on me like that.

Even my dad.

I never thought he would do that.