Chapter 22

CHAPTER 22

I couldn't sleep, so I got up really early and started sorting the books downstairs again, trying to forget about all the texts I'd deleted from Darius from the past three days. They were all "Can we talk?" but I knew where that was going. I wanted an "I'm ready to listen" text, but I wasn't going to get one.

So I was putting the best of the books back on the lower shelves and thinking depressing thoughts when I heard the shop door open. "Back here," I called, expecting Mom or Max, but when I turned around it was Darius.

"Oh," I said.

"I hope this is okay," he said, hands in his pockets, looking miserable. "I'll leave if you want. But I thought maybe I could drive you to school?—"

"No." I wanted to cry but I'd been doing that too much lately, so no. "I'm just working here, and then I'll drive myself in." I gestured to the books.

He rolled his eyes.

That just made me mad. "Yeah, I know. You think what I want is dumb. You've made that clear."

He closed his eyes for a minute, and then he said, "I'm sorry. I'm trying to understand, but I just don't get it. I just know I love you."

I went to him then, I couldn't help it, and wrapped my arms around him, holding him tight while I blinked into his shirt. "I love you, too. So much."

"Marley told me what you said," he said into my hair, his arms around me. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, too," I told him, "I hate fighting with you." I pulled back to look him in the eye. "But we have a big problem."

He took a deep breath. "Yeah."

"I don't think I'm ever going to college, Darius. Not unless I find something I want to do that I can only do with a college degree. So . . ." I took a deep breath. "I don't think we have a future."

"You could try college," he began, and I turned and walked away from him. "Poppy?"

"That was the wrong answer," I told him.

"Okay," he said. "What was the right answer?"

I sat down on the edge of one of the display tables so I wouldn't drift back toward him. "You're still trying to make me be what you want me to be. You're not listening to what I want to be."

He sat down on the edge of the table across from mine. "Well, so far, you haven't told me what you want to be. Which is why college would be good for you. You could figure it out there. Lots of different?—"

That was it. That was the last straw. I took a deep breath. "I'm breaking up with you."

He stopped. "You're not even going to let me talk?"

"You don't listen to me when I talk. The only answer you'll ever let yourself hear is that I've changed my mind and I'm going to college next fall. And I will never say that because it's wrong for me."

"But—"

"So I'm just shouting down a well when I tell you I want to stay here, I want to work on the shop, I want to try new things here. And you don't. You want to try new things at Harvard because that will keep you moving away from here. I get that, Darius, I support you absolutely, but you have to see that moving away from here is moving away from me."

"It doesn't have to be," he said, and I hated how upset he was. He doesn't get upset. But he wouldn't listen, so . . .

"No," I said. "It doesn't have to be. You could stay here with me."

He looked so horrified that I nodded. "Yeah, that's how I feel about going to college for a degree I don't want and ending up a Harvard lawyer's wife going to parties to further your career. Nightmare life."

I waited for him to say "You could try," but then I realized from the look on his face that he'd finally heard me.

"I love you, Darius. I will always love you. You've been a huge, huge, huge part of my life, but my life changed two weeks ago. And yours is going to when you leave in August, and we won't fit together anymore. I think we were always heading this way, but if it hadn't been for the kidnapping stuff, I might have made it to August, just because I truly do love you. But I'm different now." I hesitated and then told him the truth. "I love me more than I love you. So, I'm not sacrificing me for you." I didn't add "anymore , " but it was there.

He was silent for a while, and then he said, "So I guess this means that prom's off, huh?"

That hurt. "Every girl in that school would kill for a date to prom with you," I told him, faking cheerful, just like my mom. "Don't pretend it'll be a tragedy for you to trade up to some college-bound girl."

"There is no trading up from you," he said very quietly. "You're the top."

Then I did go to him and we just stood there for a minute, arms around each other, knowing it was the end.

Finally, I pulled back. "You are going to be an amazing lawyer. If I get in trouble, I can call you, right?"

" If you get in trouble?" He tried a laugh. "I'll have a hotline just for you, Pops."

I nodded, really trying not to cry, and then he kissed me on the cheek and left fast, and as soon as I heard the door slam, I came apart.

My heart was not broken, but it was cracked a little.

Okay, a lot.

But at least I wouldn't have to hear any more crap about college.

So I wiped my eyes with my sleeve and turned around and looked at the books.

What could I do with all those books?

Maybe I needed a plan.

And after I figured out a plan for the books, I could figure out one for my life.

Which now did not have Darius in it.

Then I sat down and cried again.