27. Bree

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As happy asI've been the past few days, I'm still losing my mind. Guilt is eating me up, knowing that Declan was hurt by what I did. In my defense, I hadn't expected my father to go after him. I'd expected him to come rescue me, but knowing now who my father is, I should have expected things to go sideways.

And now, I don't know what to do. It felt so good after Declan confessed that he loved me, but how can he love me if he doesn't know what I've done?

I'm going crazy, like I don't know which end is up.

I need to clear my head. It's been a few days since Declan confessed, but he's still acting strangely. He doesn't talk to me unless we're making love, and Gray and Patrick seem to be avoiding me. The only Burkes who aren't acting weird are Paige and Lara.

I put on my swimsuit, just a one-piece this time, and go down to the pool house, wearing a pair of flip-flops that clack against my feet as I walk.

I'm hoping to get in a few laps by myself, hoping that it'll help me decide what to do, but when I arrive, Lara is sunbathing out at the pool.

She's so pale I assume she needs a high SPF, but she seems to be enjoying the sun. She looks at me over her sunglasses as I pad up to her.

"Bree," she greets. "Where have you been lately?"

I wince. I guess I've been avoiding Paige and Lara just a little bit. Their exuberance would just make me feel more guilty.

It's easier now that Paige is moving out today, but I'm sure she'll still be here all the time. At least Lara is more low key.

"Just... existing," I say awkwardly. "Declan has been keeping me busy."

Lara smirks and winks at me. "I can believe that."

I snort out a laugh, surprised at her suggestion of vulgarity. Lara always seems so classy.

"What have you been up to?"

She shrugs. "You know, just living the life. Shopping, going out with my friends..." She trails off, probably remembering my circumstances here.

"Must be nice."

"You know, after some time, Declan will let up on the whole..." she trails off again.

"Keeping me prisoner?" I ask dryly.

She laughs. "Something like that."

"Honestly, lately I haven't minded it," I admit, sitting next to her on one of the lounge chairs. "I haven't felt much like going out or socializing."

"Because of Declan getting hurt? Honey, that wasn't your fault."

I bite the inside of my cheek so hard I taste iron on my tongue.

It is my fault. If I hadn't sent that coded message to my father...

"I guess," I mutter, not sure how else to respond.

"Things seem... different between you two," Lara comments. "Not as contentious."

I smile slightly. "He told me that he loved me."

Lara sits bolt upright. "He did?"

I nod, my smile widening.

"Do you love him back?"

"You know I do."

Lara grins, bouncing on the lounge chair. She looks almost like Paige when she does that.

"I'm so excited for you, Bree, you have no idea."

"Excited?"

"I always hoped this would happen," she explains. "I hoped that you would sway Declan. He's always been so serious, so focused on work. He needs someone like you in his life."

He deserves better than me.

"I don't know about that," I mutter.

Lara frowns, opening her mouth like she's going to say something, but then Paige squeals and runs toward us, wearing her bikini.

"Bree!" she exclaims, leaning over to draw me into a hug.

I pat her back, smiling. "Hey, Paige. Excited about moving out?"

I'd hoped that I would miss her and she'd be gone already. She is too cheery for my current mood.

But now that she's here, I'm grateful for the distraction.

"Oh, my god. I can't believe that is today! My things are being taken to the house as we speak. Da only wants me to go when all is in its place. But I have to make us some celebratory mimosas."

Lara mock-gags. "I'm still hungover from last night."

Paige huffs. "I'm still mad you went out to that new club without me."

"It's not that new."

"I haven't been." Paige plops down on the lounge chair next to me. "I never get to go out without a chaperone. I don't see why you do."

"Please," Lara snorts. "Da always sends someone out with me. I just learned how to have fun in spite of it."

"Oh, great one, teach me your ways," Paige says dramatically, and Lara laughs.

I smile at the two of them, glad that they're here. If I'd been out here by myself, I probably would be going down some kind of spiral.

"Did you meet anyone interesting?" I ask Lara.

"No. Just the regular joes."

"Regular joes can be fun," Paige points out.

Lara scoffs. "Not to me. I need something different than the Irishmen who do business with Da."

"I think it's kind of exciting." Paige shrugs. "Guys in the life, I mean."

"How is it exciting?" Lara's chin almost hits the floor. "We deal with that kind of stuff all the time. I'd rather have a guy who probably isn't going to get shot, personally."

"You're a stick in the mud," Paige accuses, and Lara frowns at her.

"And you're a?—"

"Guys, guys," I say, trying to keep the two of them from fighting. "How about one mimosa?"

Paige stands up, smiling at me before glowering at her sister, and heading inside the pool house to the bar.

Lara sighs. "I try not to let her get to me, but sometimes..."

"Sometimes sisters butt heads. I get it."

"Are you like that with your brother?"

"Rory?" I think about it. "I was before he left home. Weirdly enough we became closer since he turned his back on the family business. We're still not close close, but we talk here and there."

"And why's that?"

I shrug. "I don't know. Maybe we just don't have the same interests."

"What is Rory interested in?"

I laugh. "Who knows?"

Lara laughs with me, and by the time Paige gets back, it seems like their little tiff is over with.

I sip my mimosa slowly, not wanting the depressant part of alcohol to bring my mood down again.

Lara takes one sip and then winces and puts it down. Paige drinks hers like a fish, as usual.

I'm the first one to jump into the pool, and Paige follows suit while Lara continues to sunbathe.

Paige splashes water at her until she finally gets in, sighing as if she's terribly put upon. I can't help but laugh when Paige dunks her and Lara comes up fighting and sputtering.

I swim a few laps and then start to wonder about Declan—where is he? I know he does work during the day, but I've seen both Patrick and Gray around the house this morning. Usually, one or the both of them go with him, especially ever since he got hurt.

I pull myself out of the pool and Paige boos after me.

"First one out is a rotten egg!" she yells, and I turn to smile at her.

"I'll be back," I promise. "I want to go and check on Declan."

"Because you loooove him," Lara shouts, and Paige blinks, bobbing in the water.

"She admitted it?"

"He did, too," Lara says excitedly and Paige dances in the water.

"Yes, I knew it!"

"You did not," Lara groans.

"I did! I told you weeks ago that Declan was crazy about her."

I laugh. "Well, thank you both for the vote of confidence."

As I walk away, Paige is talking excitedly. "It's like she's really our sister now!"

My heart feels somehow full and empty at the same time. If they knew what I've done...

I dry off at the door and walk into the house, padding up the stairs in my bare feet since I've left my flipflops behind.

The door to Declan's office is closed, so I knock lightly.

"Come in," he calls in a grunt, and I slowly open the door.

He looks up at me, and there's something I can't quite name in his expression. Is it hurt? Anger?

Does he know?

He's holding up two sheets of paper, staring at them.

"Wh-what are you doing?" I stutter in an almost whisper.

"Close the door," he barks, and fear rushes through me.

He knows.

I almost feel relieved. If he knows, then it can just be over. I can just be done.

"I need you to be honest with me, Bree."

I nod slowly, standing in front of his desk.

What happens when he finds out? Does he come after me right away? Shoot me between the eyes? Will he make me suffer first?

"Did you send your father a coded message? I need to know. I need to know if you betrayed me and my family. If you almost got me killed." His face is blank, his blue eyes hard as he stares into my soul.

Tears fill my eyes, and I can't stop them from falling. "That was before," I whisper.

Declan's hands fist, crumpling the papers, and he stands up, nearly knocking the chair over.

"So, you did it. You're the reason we were ambushed, the reason I got shot. You nearly got me killed." His voice is flat and steady, but it cracks at the end. "How could you? How could you tell me that you love me when you betrayed me? Damn you." He throws the papers at me.

They hit me in the chest, and I let them fall to the ground. Tears keep streaming down my face but something like anger is rising up within me.

"That was before, Declan. Before I knew that you loved me. I know it's not much of an excuse, but this is not all on me. You kidnapped me, made me marry you. You made me fall in love with you. Made me torn between my family and yours. Damn you for that!"

"I thought my family was your family." His jaw is tight, and I know he's gritting his teeth so hard his jaw will ache later.

I take a step toward him. "You ripped me from my family. I haven't seen my father in weeks!"

"Your father is a monster!" he roars, slamming his hands down on the desk. "I saved you, can't you see that?"

"I'm not some fucking princess in the tower waiting for my white knight, Declan," I shoot back. "Nobody asked you to save me. And fuck you for even saying that. You didn't do this out of some need to save me. You did it to start a war, and you know that."

"That was before," Declan says softly, his shoulders slumping. "That was before I fell in love with you."

"Then why can't you understand why I did what I did?"

"Because you betrayed me!" he shouts. "Because you lied. Do you even have a dog?"

"I did," I admit, crossing my arms over my chest. "She died years ago."

"So, that was it," he seethes. "It was the fucking dog, all along."

"Does it really matter, Declan? What matters is that this is done. This is over. Kill me if you want to. I'm tired of worrying about it."

He freezes, staring at me, his gaze boring through me. "You really think I could do that? You think I'm just going to jump across this desk and strangle you with my bare hands?"

"I don't know." I tilt my chin up. "How am I supposed to know what you do to someone like me? To a dirty Murphy who got you shot?"

Declan stalks toward me, putting his hands on my shoulders, his fingers digging into my flesh, but I don't wrench away. I look right at him, wanting him to see me before he kills me.

I'm not afraid.

I'm angry. How dare he kidnap me, force me into this life, and then get mad at me when I try to escape it?

"What would you have done?" I demand to know. "What would you have done if someone uprooted you from your life, showed you a whole new way? Would you just take it? Or would you try to escape any way you could?"

Declan loosens his grip, and I wrench away from him.

"You act like you and your family are perfect, like you've done nothing wrong," I accuse. "But who was it that started all of this? Because it damn sure wasn't me."

"You can"t argue that your father isn't a monster."

I scoff. "And you can't argue that yours isn't one either!" My voice raises. My skin feels hot all over, and looking at Declan, I can't believe this is the same man who had his arms wrapped around me all night.

"It's different," he insists, and I bark out a bitter laugh.

"Of course, it is. It's always different when it's you, isn't it? If I'm so beneath you, then why did you ever make love to me? Why did you tell me that you loved me? Why did you marry me? And why won't you let me go?"

He's trembling enough that I notice it. "The Burkes don't sexualize children. The Burkes respect women, not send them to prostitute themselves. There's a difference between Niall Murphy and my da."

"No, you just sell drugs and guns to adults," I grit out. "That's so much better. Do you know how many people the Burkes have gotten hooked on dust? How many sisters, daughters? Do you know how many of them turned to prostitution to support their habit? How many people have your guns killed, Declan? You have no room to be on the moral high horse, here."

Declan doesn't answer, just staring at me. He knows I'm right.

"Your family isn't better than mine. You're just kidding yourself. And you've been in the game longer. So yes, I sent a message to my father. I didn't know he was a monster then. I didn't know he would have you shot. I thought he'd come and save me. Because you kidnapped me. I didn't choose this. I didn't choose you."

Pain flashes across Declan's face. "Is that what this is all about? You lied when you said you loved me?"

I pinch the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger. "No, Declan. I told the truth. I wanted out. I wanted to go home. But that's before I realized that you were my home. I've been sorry, sick to my stomach ever since you were injured. I didn't want that. I didn't ask for that."

"That doesn't matter," he growls. "You still betrayed me."

"I know that it doesn't matter. I know there's no forgiveness, but the least you can do is be completely honest with yourself. You may say you love me, Declan, but you'll never truly see me as anything but a weapon against my family."

I stare at him for a moment longer before yanking the door open and stalking into the hallway. Paige is at the top of the stairs, her eyes wide.

"Not now," I grind out, and storm into the bedroom, slamming the door.

I plop down on the bed, the tears coming now, faster than I could have expected.

Someone knocks on the door.

"Go away!" I scream, but a small voice comes through the door.

"It's Paige. Please let me in."

"I can't right now, Paige," I sob, but she comes in anyway, quickly shutting the door behind her.

"I'm not going to ask what happened." She sits on the edge of the bed. "All I know is that you seem sad and angry, and I know that feeling. I just want to be here for you."

She draws me into her arms, and I fight her at first but eventually, I bury my head in her lap, sobbing like a child as she strokes my hair.

It feels comforting. My mother used to do this for me when I was young and full of big emotions. Right now, I feel like my heart is tearing in two.

Who am I? Am I Bree Murphy or Bree Burke? Am I some combination of the two? How dare Declan accuse me of being a monster like my father is when he's the spitting image of his?

After some time, I manage to calm down, and Paige smiles at me.

"God, I left a snotty wet spot on your cover-up," I sniffle, and Bree laughs.

"That's okay. I've got a million more." She pauses. "If you ever do want to talk about it..."

"I don't." I shake my head, but then give her a weak smile. "But thank you. Thank you for being here."

"I just wanted to help."

I take her hands in mine, squeezing them. "It really did help."

I'm telling the truth. Paige and Lara are like the sisters I never had.

Paige stands up, leaving me be and turning off the light as she leaves.

I bury myself in the sheets that smell like Declan and look up at the ceiling, replaying our argument over and over in my mind.

I don't regret a single thing I said because I said the truth.

Declan may hate me for what I've done, and that's fine. I deserve it.

But I refuse to let him lie to himself.

He's as much at fault as I am.