32. Paige

32

PAIGE

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I hiccup. "It's all my fault. My fault. They were after me. They were after me, and they got Da instead."

I can't breathe, can't stop shaking, can't do anything other than be wrecked by my sobs and tears. Nothing matters except asking for the forgiveness I don't deserve.

Because I'm helpless, because I'm the weakest link, the Murphys are out to get me. That's why they got Da. Because he had to step up and protect me. Fight for me. Get shot for me.

God, he can't die for me. It would kill me. What have I done? "Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god, oh, god, oh, god…"

Kael's voice is a lighthouse in the foggy night. "Please, Paige, calm down. Take a breath, sweetheart. You don't know if that's true. Anyone coming after you was likely after Patrick, too."

But the fog is too thick, and the night is too dark. I need to fight my way through, so I keep punching the wall of muscle in front of me.

"It's my fault that he's hurt," I manage through sobs. " My fault. I could have done more. I should have done better."

Kael cups my face and pulls away, looking intensely into my eyes. "You got away. That's all your da will be concerned with."

"What if he never wakes up? What if they put him on that machine, and he doesn't ever come off it? What if I never see him awake again? What if I never get the chance to tell him I'm sorry? Or I love you? Or anything else ever again?"

"We don't know what's going to happen, princess. There's no way that we can know. But what I do know is that your da would want you safe. And I'm going to keep you safe. No matter what."

"None of this should've ever happened. If I wasn't so useless ? —"

Kael frowns at me, clamping a hand over my mouth.

"Don't say that. Don't ever say that. There's nothing useless about you."

His eyes try to drill that message into mine. Too bad the fog is still around.

His hand comes off my mouth.

"Are you sure about that? Because I'm just the baby. And Da's always tried to protect me more than the others. Hell, I didn't even know how to take care of myself until you taught me."

"It's not your fault that he sheltered you. He just wanted to keep you safe. This isn't your fault, Paige. No part of this is your fault."

"You don't know that," I argue. "They came for me, one of them tried to take me. Maybe if I had just gone with them, not fight… But I did. And then they just saw that he was th ere."

"He's Patrick Burke, princess. People have been after him for years, and you know this is how Murphy works. Murphy only wanted you to get to your da."

I tremble in his arms. "That only makes it more my fault," I mutter. "I've spent my whole life a burden to him, to everyone."

He holds me tight. "Stop that. You're not a burden. Not to me."

Kael searches my face, and I frown at him.

"How am I not? You never wanted this job. It's just babysitting, like you said. The little princess brat that no one can stand."

"Paige, that was a long time ago. Before?—"

"Before what?" I throw my arms out to the sides of me. "Hm?"

Kael looks at me a moment longer, and then he just closes his mouth, eyes moving to the wall behind me before coming back to mine.

"You're not a burden."

"I don't know, Kael. It's like everything everyone does revolves around protecting me, and it shouldn't be that way. I'm a fucking adult. I should be able to protect myself.

"You were able to protect yourself. You were able to save yourself and take care of your da," Kael says in a huff. "You've learned so much already, and in such a short time. You were able to throw me just now, isn't that something?"

"It's something, but it's not enough."

"It'll never be enough for you," Kael argues. "You're such a perfectionist, Paige..."

"And that's stupid, too!" It's like I'm seeing myself for the first time, and my reflection is not a pretty sight. "It's stupid to want to be some perfect little girl and a grown woman. I can't be both. "

"You are both. You're a little girl to your da and your family and a grown woman inside."

Kael's staring at my mouth, and it's like the whole world has fallen away. It's just him and me and this gym and my aching knuckles.

"Lara and Bree think I have feelings for you." I don't know why I needed to say it, but I look into his eyes as I do.

He freezes, his face going blank. "And do you?"

I do. So many, so confusing. So overwhelming.

I stare at him, his mouth, his nose, his blue eyes. I want him. All of him. His taste, his smell, his grumpiness, his tenderness. The good, the bad, the ugly. I want to live in him, I want him to live in me. I want to be his safe harbor, his haven, and I need him to be mine.

But this is me, Paige Burke, the baby of the family, the burden, the liability. And that is Kael Sullivan, the god of unattachment. I don't need to humiliate myself even further, do I? I already gave myself to him, begged him to take my virginity, I won't beg for his affection too.

"I'm not done sparring." I stand up, and Kael groans.

"You've been beating my ass for half an hour now, Paige. My bollocks ache."

I giggle even through my tears. "I'm sorry. Promise no more below the belt."

"You didn't answer the question."

"And I'm not going to." I throw out my leg, kicking him in the thigh.

He grunts but doesn't move backward, grabbing me around the waist and chucking me to the mat.

Finally , he's not holding back.

This is what I want. I want him to fight me like he would a man. I need to learn how to be as good as Murphy's men, so that I can protect myself. So that maybe I can be part of the retaliation.

I know that Declan and Gray will never allow me, but a girl can dream, right?

I stand up quickly, bouncing on my feet, and I go at him again, tackling him around the waist this time with my upper body.

He stumbles backward but doesn't go down, so I grab onto his thigh, bending his knee in a move he showed me that really hurts.

Kael yelps but hops backward on one leg to the wall, managing to get me off him by forcing me to step back.

I stumble and fall on my butt, and Kael looks down at me, smirking.

"You're not there yet, princess. You can't beat me."

"Like hell I can't," I growl, and I attack him again, this time, punching him in the stomach.

Kael rocks backward on his heels.

I push his chest until he falls over, and then I straddle his lap, punching him in the ribs.

He grunts again and grabs one of my fists in his own to stop me, but I wiggle out of his grasp and keep hitting him.

He's letting me win, and it's driving me crazy as I look down at his face. All he's doing is deflecting, not attacking, and I want him to fight me. I want him to flip me over, show me all his strength.

"Come on, Kael, show me what you've got."

"You don't want that, princess."

I punch him again. "I do. I need you to not hold back. I need you to… I need you…" I can't get the right words out, can't get any more words out.

I hit him again and again .

He holds my hands and flips me over, his hands enveloping mine as he pins them above my head.

Looking up at him, I want to kiss him so badly that I ache all over. I want him to want me, to crave me, to need me…

I need him to love me, because dear god, I love Kael Sullivan. Love him more than I thought possible.

And all I can think about is his taste as his mouth takes mine, the feel of him inside of me, how he held me in his arms as he comforted me after my dad was shot, after we had sex.

I crave his kiss so bad that I can't hold back anymore. I know it's wrong, that we can never be, that my love is an impossible and unrequited one. But I don't care.

As I go to lean up to kiss him, though, his mouth meets mine as he lies me down on the gym mat, kissing me so deeply that I can't think. I can only feel. Him. My love. Kael.

His thigh goes between my legs, and I moan into his mouth, rocking against him as he kisses me.

The next thing I know, someone yanks him off me, throwing him to the ground, and I scream.

How did Murphy's men get here?

Except when I look, it's Declan, standing there with his chest heaving, watching Kael with a shocked and enraged expression on his face.

"Get the hell away from my sister."