Chapter 18

It was a while before I could bring myself to read the letter. I arrived home, put all my shopping away and left the envelope on the table. I seemed to be able to see it from wherever I was in the flat. It was taunting me, always on the edge of my peripheral vision, begging, pleading with me to open it.

I gave Mrs White a call. I asked if she'd like to meet for a coffee, and she told me she was free tomorrow. I didn't mention anything about bringing Robyn along and her having seen Stephanie on the day she went missing. When I ended the call, I wondered whether I should have prepared her. It didn't seem fair to ambush her. Eventually, with nothing left to distract myself, I opened the letter from Dominic.

I was surprised by how neat and tidy his handwriting was. I suppose he looked to me as a silver lining on his dark horizon, a prospect of happiness on the outside. All I could think about was the pain Anthony was in. How would he feel if I met my father – his son – and began to forge some kind of relationship? The same question could be asked of my mum, too. We often went out for meals or trips to the cinema together, but what if I couldn't make it on a particular evening because I was going to the pictures with my dad instead? How would Mum feel about that, after all these years of being my sole parent?

On the other hand, I had every right to get to know my dad, and people should understand and be supportive of that.

‘Oh, I don't bloody know,' I said out loud, falling back on the sofa in frustration.

The visiting order was on the coffee table in front of me. I'd got this far into investigating my father – I couldn't stop now.

I'd always wanted to meet my father. Even when I was a child and had no idea of his identity, I'd pictured him in my head. He had been tall with dark hair and smiling eyes. He was clean-shaven, strong and always looked happy. He'd hold my hand firmly as we went to the park, and he always bought me an ice-cream. I was far too old for all that now – although I never turned down the offer of ice-cream – but I'd be denying my younger self if I didn't meet him now I had the chance. And meeting him might finally answer all the questions that were burning inside me. It might bring me the peace I so desperately needed.