Chapter Nineteen The Ugly Truth

CHAPTER NINETEEN THE UGLY TRUTH

I stood on the sidewalk, trying to pull my feet away from the mush that rolled over them. I was sinking. A falcon dropped from the sky, circling at close range. It pecked at my eyes until blood began to pour from my pupils, blinding me.

Ping! I blinked hard, and in the sudden darkness I saw my father, crumpled in a heap, his head cradled in his hands. I called out to him, but he was fading from me, and the harder I tried, the more my lungs burnt.

Ping! I woke up, sweating and gasping for air. Behind my curtains, something was bouncing off the window. I grabbed my phone from the nightstand and lit up the screen. It was 1.48 a.m.

Ping! I slipped out of bed and crept up to the window. A tall, dark figure bent low to the ground and picked something out of the untended grass. He lifted an arm into the air, taking aim at the spot where my head was. He paused when he saw I was standing where the darkened curtains had been just seconds before, then dropped the pebble from his hand.

I opened the window and a rush of warm summer air hit my face.

‘Sophie?’ He came closer, setting off the light censor above the kitchen window.

‘Nic?’ I closed my eyes and flinched, remembering everything at once. The memory of the funeral photo flashed inside my head, along with the word ‘Mafia’. Nic’s father had killed people, and my father had killed him.

I wondered what good would come of me going to Nic, looking him in his dark eyes, and seeing the hurt behind them. Hurt he must truly hate me for.

‘Sophie,’ he said again. ‘I need to talk to you.’

I swallowed hard, hoping my voice wouldn’t crack. ‘OK – I’ll come down.’

I flicked on the bedroom light and unearthed a pink cardigan from the floor, wrapping it around me before skirting downstairs. When I reached the backyard, Nic was standing at the back of the garden in the dark, waiting for me.

The light flickered back on as I walked towards him. His expression was inscrutable, his gaze fixed on me.

‘Hi,’ I said, reaching him. I cradled myself, waiting, as the darkness enveloped us.

‘You’re probably wondering what I’m doing here,’ he said.

‘Among other things.’ I didn’t look at him directly. There was too much guilt inside me and if I looked him in the eyes I knew it would explode right out of me.

‘I had to make sure you were OK. Luca told me what happened…’ He trailed off, then cursed under his breath. ‘And I didn’t want to leave things like this, not the way my brother made them. He was wrong to say that stuff to you, Sophie.’

I chewed on my lip until it stung. ‘I’m not sure what else there is to say.’

‘Will you at least look at me?’ He inched forward until I could see his feet.

I shook my head, keeping my attention fixed on the grass. There were too many emotions bubbling inside me. I had to keep it together or else I would lose it entirely. I had to focus.

‘Sophie, please…’

‘I can’t.’ My throat bobbed up and down. I shut my eyes to stop the tears, but I could feel them welling up, ready to fall. I didn’t have enough resolve to hold it all in, not any more.

‘Why not?’ he murmured.

‘How can I look at you knowing what I know now?’ I lifted my chin and stared at his chest.

‘Sophie…’

‘I visited my dad today,’ I continued shakily. ‘I know he killed your father. I know that’s why you hate me.’

Nic reached out and pressed his index finger under my chin, nudging it softly until I lifted my head and met his eyes.

And then the dam that had been holding my tears for as long as I could remember burst completely. They fell hard and fast down my cheeks, shaking my body with every heave as my breathing hitched, gasping out for air.

Everything I had suppressed – my father’s incarceration, my mother’s pain, Jack’s desertion, the Falcones’ disdain for me, and my burning desire for Nic – was bound up in those heavy tears as they fell away from my face and rolled down my neck. I sank to the ground and pulled my body into a ball, hunching over and cradling my head in my hands as I wept uncontrollably for the first time since my father’s arrest, not caring about anything but the pain that was springing free from my body at last.

In an instant, Nic was beside me, curling my huddled body into his and enveloping me in his arms until he was all around me. He rested his head on mine and whispered into my hair, ‘Please don’t cry, Sophie. Please don’t cry.’

He held me for a long time, until the rage of tears subsided into quiet streams, and I began to catch my breath again. Then he guided my head into his chest and I buried it in his neck, inhaling his scent.

‘How could you not hate me?’ I mumbled into his skin. ‘You’d be inhuman not to look at me and see what my father did.’

He stroked the back of my hair, his words soft against it. ‘It’s not like that, I promise.’

‘He didn’t mean it, Nic. It was an accident,’ I sobbed quietly. ‘He wouldn’t hurt a fly.’

‘I know,’ he whispered. ‘Please don’t cry.’

‘I’m sorry.’ My words were so garbled I could barely understand them.

‘You don’t have to apologize.’

‘Yes, I do. Luca said—’

‘Look at me… Please just look at me.’

Slowly I raised my head, which was dizzy and heavy all at once. He wiped the wetness from my cheeks.

‘Listen to me, Sophie. I want to be very clear about this. Luca had no business saying whatever he said to you. It has nothing to do with you or him, and he knows that. What happened with my father was an accident. It’s over now.’

‘But it’s not over.’ I thought of Valentino’s drawings, and my father’s gaunt, tired face. It would never be over.

‘Well, it’s not raw any more,’ he replied carefully. ‘And it’s not something I blame you for. When I look at you, I feel happy.’ He nudged my chin with his finger again. ‘I don’t care where you’ve come from or who you’re related to, I knew from that first night when I held you that I didn’t want to let go of you. But then you jumped away from me, so I had to…’ He trailed off and smiled. ‘And I felt empty.’

‘I don’t understand,’ I whispered. ‘Why would Luca say it if it wasn’t the reason you were avoiding me?’

‘Because he was trying to get rid of you,’ he admitted. ‘And he knew that would work.’

‘I’ve never done anything to him,’ I protested weakly. ‘How could he hate someone he hardly even knows?’

‘I know things changed when Dom told him who you were, but Luca doesn’t hate you. He’s just protective.’

I rolled my eyes, which were damp and sore from crying. ‘What’s he protecting you from?’

‘It’s not just about me.’ Nic stroked my cheek again. I swallowed hard. I had never wanted to be kissed so badly in my life, and yet I had never felt this desperate for information before.

‘Do you always do what he says?’ I heard the bitterness in my voice.

Nic tightened his lips; it accentuated the shadows beneath his cheekbones and the circles under his eyes. ‘Mostly.’

‘Why?’

He pulled his hands away, knitting them together. ‘It’s complicated.’

‘That’s why you can’t be around me any more,’ I pressed, watching his hands and missing their warmth on my skin. ‘Because he said so?’

Nic’s expression turned rueful. ‘You make it sound so simple.’

‘Isn’t it?’

‘No.’

‘I don’t understand.’

Nic shook his head. ‘I know you don’t.’

Edging away from him until our bodies were no longer touching, I steeled myself and regarded him coolly. When I spoke again, I said the words as slowly and as clearly as I could so he would understand I knew more than he thought I did, and that I didn’t need to be protected from it.

‘I guess it must be a Mafia thing.’

The silence that followed was resounding. Nic reacted like I had hit him; his chest was rising and falling unsteadily, his mouth twitching uncertainly. I watched him carefully, keeping my expression blank.

‘What do you mean?’ he said at last, but the words barely made a sound.

I kept my voice steady. ‘I think you know what I mean.’

He glanced over his shoulder, like he was afraid someone was going to jump out of the bushes. He turned his gaze to the grass beside me. A click of his jaw and then – ‘I don’t.’

‘The Angel-maker.’ It was a statement, not a question, and it made the balmy summer air seem colder once I’d said it.

He blinked hard. It had wounded him like I knew it would, and I instantly regretted it.

‘So it’s true, then?’ I asked, fearing and yet needing to hear him say it. ‘Your family is part of the Mafia?’

He plucked a long, thin blade of grass and tried to split it in two. ‘I do not deny it.’

A familiar wave of nausea rose in my stomach, but it was weaker this time. I had come to terms with most of my horror before falling asleep, and now, his confirmation of something I already knew was more like a dull punch in the gut.

When I didn’t answer him he grabbed my hand with violent speed, like he was afraid he had lost me in that one quiet moment. I left my hand in his and pressed on, as carefully as I could.

‘Does Felice tell you to hurt people? Do you answer to him the way you answer to Luca?’

‘Of course not.’ He seemed affronted by the implication, and I was glad of that. If he didn’t answer to ‘the boss’, then he must not be involved in the things his father was accused of.

‘What does it mean,’ I asked, ‘for you and your brothers to be part of the Mafia?’

Nic hesitated, and I could see he was trying to formulate his answer. ‘Infamy.’

‘And notoriety?’ I remembered the article and shivered.

‘Yes,’ he said plainly, like it didn’t bother him the way it would bother me. ‘From birth we are stamped with our family’s reputation, named after bosses from past generations, and raised with a strong sense of loyalty and honour…’ He trailed off.

‘Do you hurt people?’

He ran his hand through his hair until it hung loosely around his eyes, shielding them. ‘It’s not like that.’

‘What is it like?’

Nic took both my hands in his. ‘Sophie, there’s a lot I can’t say to you. I’ve taken a serious vow, and to break it would mean violating a code of silence upheld by every member of my family. But if you can trust nothing else, trust this: I am a good person, with good morals. My brothers and I are loyal, to the death. We have been raised with an understanding of right and wrong. We protect and serve our mother so that she may be happy every day of her life, we mourn the death of our father, and we attend church every Sunday to pray for his soul. I want to protect those I love and those who cannot protect themselves. But most of all, I want to make the world a better place by being in it.’

I felt a surge of relief. I didn’t know what I had been expecting him to say, but this was so much better.

‘You were born into your way of life,’ I said, almost as if I were speaking to myself, ‘but that doesn’t mean you are part of it.’ Nic inhaled like he was about to say something, but then he stopped himself. ‘We are both living in the shadows of our fathers,’ I said, realizing for the first time that it was true.

‘I would never hurt you,’ he said quietly.

‘I know.’ I laced my fingers through his. I had seen those hands hurt Alex, I had seen purple bruises along the knuckles, but I had to believe it was different with me. I studied our fingers, his olive skin against the paleness of mine, his grip sure and strong. It felt different. It felt right.

For a while, neither of us said anything. A lot of bandages had been ripped off our psychic wounds and we were both weary with emotion.

‘Do you know why I can’t be with you?’ Nic said at last. ‘I want you to know that it’s not my choice to walk away.’

I was starting to understand that. ‘When Luca found out who I was it changed everything, didn’t it?’

‘What’s in a name, right?’ Nic’s expression turned rueful. ‘It’s not a good idea, our being together. Not with what’s happened. I don’t want to draw any unnecessary attention to you.’

‘Am I in danger? They warned me about that…’ I thought of my uncle, and I understood his concern. A Mafia family moves up the street from the family responsible for their boss’s death. I inhaled sharply.

‘Jack warned you?’ The faintest undertone of animosity tinged Nic’s words.

‘And my father.’

‘You’re not in danger.’ He tried to sound casual, but there was something new creeping into his voice now, straining it. ‘But we think it’s best that you’re kept far away from us and some of the more… unhinged members of our family… at least for the time being.’

Nic fell quiet again. He moved his hands to my arms and began to rub them. I hadn’t even realized I was cold until I felt the warmth in his touch.

‘Should I be scared?’ I asked.

‘You don’t have to be scared of anything,’ he said quietly.

I smiled weakly. I was scared of losing him, but I couldn’t say so. It wouldn’t do any good.

He flicked his gaze to my lips. ‘If I knew that night would be the last time I got to kiss you, I wouldn’t have stopped.’

My smile faltered. Why couldn’t he be someone else, anyone but a Falcone?

‘I should go,’ he said, like he was convincing himself and not me. But he wasn’t going, he was leaning in to me. Our fingers were entwining and he was pulling me closer, sliding his arms around my waist.

Slowly, like he was fighting the urge to do so, he nuzzled his forehead against mine. ‘But what if… what if, in this one moment, you’re not Sophie Gracewell and I’m not Nicolò Falcone…’ He trailed off and let his lips find mine.

Desire raged through me as I pressed my lips against his. His mouth was firm against mine, hot and unyielding, and when our tongues met, I lost myself, wholly and completely, in the passion of his kiss.

All too soon, in the heat of something so intense I found it hard to pull my lips away to breathe, the distant sound of a strange hum dragged us back into our earthly bodies. Breaking away from me and panting heavily, Nic fished his buzzing phone from the pocket of his jeans.

He placed a hand over his heart and clutched at his chest. ‘Valentino,’ he answered in a shaky voice. ‘I’m on my way.’ He clicked off and returned his attention to me, but the softness in his eyes was gone, and I realized with a jolt that I was looking at a very different version of Nicolò Falcone.

‘You have to go,’ I said, still breathing hard.

‘I’m sorry.’ He took my hand in his. ‘Sophie, please don’t speak about this with anyone. I’ve taken a vow and my family wouldn’t be pleased with me breaking it, even just a little.’

‘I won’t,’ I said without having to think about it. I could still feel the warmth of his kiss on my lips, and I might have promised him anything just then.

He lifted my hand to his lips, brushing them against it. ‘ Riguardati , Sophie,’ he murmured. ‘Be safe.’

In a fleeting moment of madness, I considered running after him and pulling him back to me, but then I remembered Luca’s warning. I didn’t want him anywhere near Millie or my mother.

I trudged back upstairs and crawled into bed, thinking of that brief moment in the backyard when everything in my life was heady and blissful. It was just as I was dropping off into nothingness that I remembered something Nic had said.

Jack warned you …

How had he known my uncle’s name? I had never mentioned it to him – I knew I hadn’t.

I started to remember other things then, things that were only just beginning to make sense: Luca’s strange questions in the diner the first time we met; Dom’s interest in Millie’s place of work, and how he’d dumped her once he’d gotten information about me; how Nic had been lingering around the diner that night we broke in, his car parked far away in the shadows, as if he was waiting for something or someone.

Suddenly I had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that this certain something or someone was the very person who had been avoiding Cedar Hill since the Falcones first arrived – my uncle Jack.

That’s when I realized there was more to the Falcone-Gracewell story than I’d thought. And that while Nic may have had feelings for me, they certainly weren’t interfering with his ability to lie, and lie hard, to my face.