21. Tessa

21

Tessa

I can't sleep.

Again.

During the day, I'm fine. I can deal with the kids and function like a normal person. But at night, when the room is dark and Harry is asleep next to me, all the bad stuff comes creeping back into my head.

All I can think about is why. Why would Enzo do that? I'm not dumb. I know he didn't love me, but I thought we had a decent enough relationship. Good enough to have two children together.

It sickens me to think of all the times I defended him to Stella. She never outright told me Enzo was an asshole, but she'd hinted at it often enough. And Quinn had made a point of mentioning Enzo's business interests were not 100% legit.

My mind goes round in circles as I lie in bed. It's a warm and sticky night and in the distance, I can hear the faint rumble of thunder signaling the imminent arrival of yet another summer storm.

At least the kids are sleeping OK. Both of them have settled in wonderfully. Harry's enjoying the male attention. The poor boy rarely gets any attention from his father. Enzo's always too tired, too busy, or too drunk to pay much attention to his son.

And as for Chloe, well, she may as well not exist as far as he's concerned.

The phone Kade gave me sits on the nightstand. I've had no contact with Enzo since the night a man shot at me outside our house. When I asked, Kade told me he's disappeared. Nobody's seen him at the club either, which is a surprise.

I pick up the phone and open the contacts. Stella's is the only number I have memorized, but if I call her, she'll give me Enzo's number.

Kade told me not to contact anyone, but not knowing why Enzo's torn our family apart is killing me. I want to know why he did it. I want him to tell me so I can move past this.

I'm not sure I can forgive him, but one thing is certain: I need closure.

Rain lashes the window when I next wake. My eyes are full of grit, and it feels like I only fell asleep ten minutes ago. Which isn't that far from the truth. It was near dawn when I finally dropped off, and the small amount of sleep I squeezed in was not exactly restful.

Harry leaps out of bed and rushes into the bathroom. Like always, he's full of beans and eager for his breakfast. From the sound of music filtering through the bedroom door, someone is already up, so I let him out while I get Chloe dressed.

The scent of bacon draws me into the kitchen.

"Pancakes?" Kade asks.

"I love pancakes!" Harry climbs up onto a chair and beams with excitement.

"How many can you eat?"

"Ten!"

"One," I correct. "If you manage that, you can have another one." His little face screws up and he pouts a little.

"OK, Mommy." Kade drops a warm pancake on his plate and I add some berries and syrup to it before cutting it up for him.

"Do you want a pancake, Tess?" I'm too focussed on strapping Chloe into her chair to formulate an answer. Things are still awkward between us. All of us, not just him and I. I've tried to stay out of their way as much as possible, but the house isn't that big, and if it rains all day, I'm going to have to interact with them.

"I'm good, thanks. I'll just have a slice of toast." Pancakes for breakfast won't help me lose the baby weight I'm still carrying.

Kade frowns but doesn't comment. Instead, he flips a few more pancakes and leaves them on a hot plate for when the other guys come in. I pop a slice of toast in the toaster and make some baby porridge for Chloe.

She's not her usual smiley self this morning and from the way she's chewing on her fingers, I think she's teething. When I fed her last night, it felt like there was a tooth pushing through her gum.

No doubt the next few days and nights will be fun for me. Harry was cranky for weeks when his first teeth came through. Enzo got mad and stayed away for days at a time, telling me he needed his sleep.

If Chloe is anything like Harry was, the guys will soon regret the day they offered me sanctuary.

"I'm heading back to the city today," Kade tells me as I spoon porridge into Chloe's mouth. Or try to. She's not being very cooperative.

"Are things...any better?" Harry is playing with a toy car while eating his pancake, but I know he's listening, so I have to be careful what I say.

"I spoke to your father last night. There's no sign of the person we're looking for, but he'll turn up." He means Enzo. Maybe if I try calling him, I can find out where he is. My mind turns over. I know Kade warned me not to get in touch, but it's a burner phone, so surely Enzo or whoever he's in debt to can't track it?

"Can I go watch TV, Mommy?"

"Sure. Be quiet, though."

Harry hops down and disappears into the living room. Outside, the rain comes down in sheets and the pond at the back of the house is almost invisible in the murk. It's a far cry from yesterday when I took the kids down there and Harry spent a happy hour throwing stones in the water.

It feels like summer is almost over, which reminds me that it's Harry's birthday in a week. We were supposed to be traveling to Stella's place for the weekend. Stella and her guys always host Harry's birthday because they have bags of space and the kids love to hang out together.

Spending time with my best friend is always fun, and my sister usually comes too.

It makes me sad to think Harry's going to miss out this year. I need to call Marie. She'll be wondering where I am and why I haven't been in touch.

Yet another thing to add to my to-do list.