Chapter Five

CHAPTER FIVE

Val

P eeking out the back window of my apartment, I watch as Barrett and Gabby run to his truck. She squeals as he lifts her up into the passenger seat. And while I know I shouldn't keep spying, I do. He leans in, pressing himself between her spread thighs. For a split second I think about glancing away, but I can't. I'm too interested to see how two people in a normal relationship act when no one should be intruding.

I've never seen it before. My parents were an arranged marriage, and while my mother always had a smile on her face, she was never comfortable with him. Not even after eighteen children. The day I left, when he came up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders, they bunched with tension, and the look on her face? It wasn't contentment; it was dread. I've watched over the years as they showed what was supposed to be public displays of affection, but she never smiled the way I've seen Daisy, Kara, Alexis, and Gabby do. She never leaned into my dad and let him take her weight, as if she trusted him.

Not once.

As I watch what's unfolding in front of me, I can notice the differences. The way Barrett leans in, and puts his hands on Gabby's face, it's reverent, the way he stares at her, tilting his head. Her lips move, and in the dim light, his lips curve into a grin before leaning in and pressing hers with a kiss. Her thighs widen further for him and she allows him to run his hands up her thighs. He steps onto the running board, and they shift so that her neck is stretched and he's resting the middle of his body against hers.

God, I want this. I want to know what this feels like, how a kiss against my lips will make the rest of my body react. They break away from one another. I shiver when I watch Barrett reach up and cup Gabby's breast in his hand, and ?simultaneously he wipes at her lips with his thumb.

Swallowing hard, I feel a tug between my thighs. What would all of this be like?

He steps down from the running board, shuts the door, reaches down, adjusting his privates. I've seen a man aroused before. Only once or twice, and never without clothes on. I want to see it, but it's just never been proper for me too.

My mind goes to Vaughn. What does he look like? Probably like a Greek statue made of marble. His body is so strong. Full of what it takes to do the job he does. I've stood beside him, and when he put his arm around me at the grocery store, I noticed he was impossibly muscular, as if he could do anything physical that anyone asks him to. He wouldn't struggle to provide the way my father did. He wouldn't be too proud to ask for help, and he sure wouldn't force his wife to have too many kids that he couldn't provide for.

Sex would not be a way to lord over her, it wouldn't be a way for him to make her prove her godliness. It would be because they physically craved each other with the emotional needs of a man who loves a woman, not a man who sees a woman as his property. They'll come together because they want to, not because they have to in order to keep their family growing.

I want that. I want the option to say no if I don't want to accommodate my husband that night. I want the option of going to him and saying I need it. None of that was allowed in my home. It was all about being subservient to your husband.

I want a partnership.

More than anything, I want a partnership.

Going back over to my couch, I grab my cell phone and start scrolling through social media. It's something I never had access to previously. My parents didn't want us to have social media, didn't want us to know anything about what's going on in the world. It was easier for them to keep us under their thumb.

As I scroll, I see the pictures of everyone out at Monroe's, and I want to be there, too. I wasn't invited, but I also know that I'm never not invited. Gabby's always made it apparent that I can hang out with them whenever I want. I just have never had the self-esteem to show up. But tonight, I'm feeling different. As if I'm realizing my spot in this world. Like I'm wanted, and they don't mind me being around. At home, I always felt as if I were a problem, an inconvenience, and then when I didn't feel like that, it was more as if I were hired help.

I never had an identity that was Valentina, and I'm getting that.

I pause my scrolling when a picture of Vaughn fills my screen. He's got a smirk on his face, but it wasn't like the smirk he had on his face when I was with him today. Instead, it's half-hearted, and doesn't reach his eyes.

At this moment, I know I want to be there with him. I don't want to sit here in my apartment and wonder about what happens beyond these walls. I want to live it, want to experience it. I'm sick of sitting on the periphery and watching as life passes me by. If I want it, I need to insert myself into the world and let the memories build. Walking over to my dresser, I pull out the cut-offs I wore on my birthday, along with a tank top I bought recently.

I tried it on and knew I had to have it. It showed so much more than anything else I'd ever had. When I put it on this time, my cheeks warm. The edge of it doesn't touch the waistband of my shorts, and parts of my bra peek out over the top of it. Old me wouldn't wear this, but this me? She's going to.

I dump out the makeup I've gathered and then get ready.

Monroe's is hopping when I get there an hour later. Thank goodness the walk isn't far. I enter, and immediately my eyes search the crowd for the group of people that I know. I spot them and saunter toward the table they've commandeered.

Kara is the first one to see me. Her eyes light up and she squeals. "Oh my fuck, look at you, Val!"

I'm still not used to people cussing around me. It was forbidden when I lived at home, and if I dared I would hear about how God would be disappointed in me, and since I displeased him, I would probably have eternal damnation. My smile is wobbly, but I nod. "Is this okay?" I haven't really ever had female friends, I could ask.

"Girl, you look fucking hot, doesn't she, Vaughn?" She pulls me toward her so that I'm more in the circle.

His eyes run up and down my body, slowing down once he gets to my chest. He's got a bottle of beer in his hand, and he takes a healthy drink before dipping his chin into his chest. "She sure does."

Uncomfortable as all get out, I'm happy when Alexis reaches forward, grabs my hand, and sits me down in the seat next to her. "I'm not behind the bar tonight, but what do you want? I'll make it for you. You hardly ever come out and join us. And can we talk about how fuckin' amazing your rack is?"

My cheeks heat so much I can feel them without putting my palms to them. I glance down. "Thank you?"

"She's sorry." Daisy cuts in. "She's been congratulating women on their racks since high school. She means nothing bad by it. You're blessed."

I've heard no one talk about a woman's body like this before. It wasn't something for us to be proud of, or to show off. They were more to be used for men to get pleasure from. I hated that, and I'm more liking how these two women are talking to me. It's taking control of our bodies and realizing what we offer others. "Then definitely thank you."

"What do you want to drink?" Alexis asks again.

"I've only ever tried a few things. Why don't you do something for me?"

Her eyes light up. "I love when people ask me to be creative. Is there anything you don't like?"

"I'm not a huge spicy fan. I like most fruit, and I know I like vodka and some rum. I'm not sure about anything else yet." I try to make sure I answer everything she might need for me to.

"Okay, I'll be right back." She jets up from Boone's lap. He reaches out to keep her sitting there, but she's too excited to get behind the bar.

"She's great at what she does." Daisy says as she sips her drink through her straw. "I go home happy every single night that I let her make me a drink of her choice."

"Okay." I smile. It's wobbly, because I'm unsure of what I'm going to get, but I trust Alexis implicitly.

She comes back carrying a glass that's pink. "I don't have a name for it, but it's a strawberry concoction I make for myself when I want something not so strong. That's not to say it doesn't have a bit of a kick to it. Enough will put you on your ass, so be careful."

"Thank you." I tentatively take a drink and moan when the strawberry flavor hits my tongue. "Oh, this is fantastic."

"When you get done with this one, I'll make you another, if you want."

I nod, and my gaze travels over to Vaughn. He's got an empty seat next to him. He tilts his head toward it, his eyes asking if I want to come sit in it. I always want to be next to him whenever I can, so I get up and scoot over to where he is.

"Hey," he nudges my arm with his, a smirk on his face. "Nice to see you out tonight. How'd you get over here?"

The warmth from his body seeps into mine. I want more of it, and as I drink a bit more of the alcohol, I'm wondering what it would feel like for him to be over top of me. For him to slide between my legs, the way I watched Barrett slip between Gabby's earlier. "I walked over. It's not too far."

"Hmmm should've called me, Val. I don't like knowing you were out there by yourself this late at night."

"It's nine," I roll my eyes, "and it didn't even start getting dark until I got here."

"Still. You need a ride, you call me. I'll make sure you get where you need to go. I don't like you walking all over the place by yourself."

I shrug. "Believe it or not, I like it. It's quiet time. No one is telling me what to do, and I don't have the background noise of Get Baked in my head. Most of the time, I don't even think about it as being dangerous. I guess it could be."

"Yeah it could." He gives me a smile. "Especially for someone as small as you are, and I hate to say it, but you're sheltered, too. You haven't been exposed to some of the shit in this world. I see it every time I'm helping after a disaster, it most definitely doesn't bring out the best in others. They look for someone who is like you. A person who doesn't understand what dangers there are, that's nice enough they want to help with anything and everything. It terrifies me." He reaches over, grabbing my hand with his. "Promise me you'll call me if you need me."

"I will." I take another drink before turning to him. "Do you want to dance with me?"

"Fuck yeah, Val. I'd love to dance with you."

And that's who we end up out on the dance floor at Monroe's together, our bodies pressed up against one another, and me desperately wanting him to kiss me.