Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

R aphael's eyes widen as he sees me. I'm starting to adjust to the dark, and I can get a better look at him.

His jaw drops, but he stays silent. He has just enough of his wits about him not to call out my real name.

Scars mark his skin, barely healed over—and it looks as if his collarbone was broken and not healed properly. Under his skin, a bone juts out about half an inch.

I grit my teeth, and the magic within me roars.

My hand shoots out, and I grab Cadoc by the face. I push my powers into him, whispering that all his dreams are just within his grasp. Money, fame, a promotion, his old love back in his arms. No subtlety anymore, I simply burn through his mind with fantasies and desires, scorching his true self until his mind turns to ash. He becomes a puppet fully under my control.

Leave us , I order. Wait for us above .

He swivels like a doll on a string and stumbles up the stairs.

"Raphael." I crouch down, clasping his face between my hands.

"Nia," he rasps. "You came for me."

"Of course I did. I'm getting you out of this godsforsaken place now."

He pulls back a little, and his pale eyes flick to the stairwell. "The guard. He'll call for backup."

"No. He'll stay where he is. Trust me on that."

He leans forward and rests his forehead against mine, closing his eyes, and I know he's weak as hell. Otherwise, he'd be springing out of here.

"How did you find me?" he asks, his voice hoarse. "How did you get here?"

An answer he really doesn't want to know. "I'm here alone. I met a source who helped me. We'll talk about all of that later. Right now, we have to get moving. Can you stand?"

I sit next to him and slide my arm around his waist, helping him up. He slumps against me.

"You're here alone? I don't understand why Avalon Tower would send you alone. It's incredibly risky. The King's Watch lurks unseen all over the kingdom. What if you were captured?"

I swallow hard. "They didn't exactly send me."

He pulls away and leans against the wall. "So, you came into the enemy's kingdom against orders, recklessly and on your own, because you wanted to get me out?"

"Did you expect me to leave you here forever? They were moving far too slowly, and I had to figure it out myself."

"Why couldn't you work with Avalon Tower on this plan?"

"Do we really need to talk about this now?" I hiss.

"You recklessly came to break me out, just like I couldn't let you get captured. Because the only thing on my mind was you. And now the only thing on your mind is me." His haunted voice echoes off the stones.

"Of course I've been thinking about you. What did you expect?"

There's something unnervingly despondent about the way he's speaking, but I can't expect anything different after what he's been through.

I touch him, urging him toward the stairs, and he drags himself up the steps. I follow close behind in case he stumbles, staring in fury at what they've done to him. His back is a network of scars, and my heart clenches at the sight of it. Right now, I want to hunt down Auberon and his fucked-up son and cut them into ribbons.

I look for the moth, but I don't see it. It doesn't matter, anyway. Cadoc can be our new guide.

Near the top of the stairs, Raphael glances at me, his cheeks gaunt. But I wonder if he's finding a bit of his old strength. Something shines in his eyes, perhaps the realization that freedom is just around the corner.

We reach Cadoc, and Raphael tenses, but I raise my hand to assure him it's fine. Cadoc is staring vacantly at the wall, his mind consumed with the fantasies in which I drowned him.

Give the prisoner your coat. Lead us out. We need a way out of the Castle Perillos.

I slam him with my powers .

No one may see us .

His jaw sags, and his eyes are dazed. He drops the spear, and it clatters to the floor. He pulls off his blue soldier's coat and hands it to Raphael, who pulls it on. Bending over, he sucks in a breath before picking up his spear again and shambles up the stairs. We follow Cadoc up the outdoor stairwell and through the hallways of the castle, taking care to avoid any area that might be occupied.

Unlike Mordred's little moth, Cadoc can't magically see and avoid other people walking around. But he knows which ways are less used, which corridors are mostly forgotten, and where the guard patrols are.

Twice, he tells us to hide in empty rooms behind closed doors while he scouts forward, checking for anyone who might see us. He does it all as if he's half awake, his consciousness rambling over the scorched earth I left behind. I've never unleashed my mind control like that, and I wonder if he'll ever snap out of it, or just stumble through the rest of his life.

He leads us up one stairwell after another, then down a narrow corridor. He opens a door.

"You'll have to wait here…leading you out through the kitchen, but part of the staff is still there. Cleaning up. Should be fine soon. In here…yes. Good? No one will look."

"Fine." I glance inside the small room, a library where a fire is burning. At least it'll give Raphael and me time to talk a bit, figure out our next move. I give a whisper of a command to Cadoc.

"I'll wait outside," he stutters, prompted by my order. "Keep a lookout."

"That's a good idea." I take Raphael by the hand and lead him into the room.

Raphael follows me and closes the door behind us, then drops down onto a red velvet sofa. He runs his hand over his shorn hair. The cut is uneven, his features gaunt—but he somehow looks gorgeous as ever. "Tell me how you got here, Nia."

I sit next to him and brush a smudge of dirt off one of his high cheekbones. "I got here through a ley portal. But I won't be able to get you back that way. It's only for Sentinels. So, I need to hide you until I can find a portal key here in the kingdom. Then we can both get out."

He covers my hand with his, but then he pulls it away again and stares into my eyes. "That's the problem, love."

I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. "What problem?"

"Avalon Tower doesn't know you're here. And now you want to stay and search for a portal key, putting your life at risk? One of Avalon Tower's only Sentinels?"

Frustration simmers. "Well, I don't have to do it now, but you need to hide until I can get it. I can work it out with Vivianne, if that makes you feel better, but I can't exactly go to Wrythe or any of the other Pendragons. They don't trust any of us demi-Fey right now. Do you have any idea where you can hide in the kingdom until I can return?"

I touch his back over the soldier's coat.

His silver eyes gleam. "There are a few old assets here that I think I can connect with. As long as I'm out of the dungeon, I'll be fine on my own." He takes a deep breath. "But I'm not going back with you. I'm going to find Ysolde first, and it might take a while."

My breath catches. "Did you hear something about your sister?"

"I was in a cell with a few criminals before they separated me. They said they believe there's a dungeon here just for demi-Fey. A fortress of some kind. Not for spies like me, but the civilian demi-Fey they captured long ago. The guy just didn't have any idea where it is. But if she's alive here, that's where she'd be."

There are dark circles beneath his eyes. I so badly want to bring him home with me and give him a warm bath and feed him.

"Okay. Maybe we can bring her back with us," I say. "I'll work with Nivene and Viviane on that, too. We'll figure something out. The assets you mentioned, maybe. Just stay safe for now, and I'll get you out later." I stare into his beautiful silver eyes. "I can't stomach what they did to you in the dungeons. I want to find the royal family and batter their faces in right now."

"Nia, when you go back to Avalon Tower, I need you to work with them," he says. "You can't go rogue. This is the whole problem."

"You keep talking about a problem…" The feeling in the pit of my stomach is like watching a storm roll in on the horizon, the sky darkening, clouds roiling—a tempest that's going to drown me. "What is the problem?"

"You shouldn't have come here alone for me. You shouldn't be letting emotions drive your decisions," he says quietly, a sigh in his voice. He rests his forehead against mine again.

"It worked, though, didn't it? I got you out." With a feather-light touch, I brush my fingertips over his jaw, where a bruise darkens his skin. I wish I had his healing powers.

He closes his eyes. "Yes. And I would have done the same for you. And then I'd probably hunt down Auberon for revenge. I'd make the worst, rashest decisions that could get a lot of people killed. I would do that for you, and my emotions would get the better of me."

I feel the world going cold. "What are you saying?"

He pulls away from me again. With a wistful look, he brushes the back of his knuckles over my cheekbones. "This isn't easy for me, Nia. You were all I thought about in there. You, and the last moments before I was captured."

My stomach drops as I feel the storm approaching. "Why don't you just say what you need to say?"

His expression is agonized, and he tears his gaze away from mine. "I can see another world where we're together, and there's no war and no Auberon. Where our lives spread out before us like sunlight over a vineyard, where we don't have to risk our lives and look over our shoulders. Where no one will break our bones to wrench every last secret from us. But that's another world, Nia. Not this one."

My chest splinters open. "Just say it."

His eyes shine with sorrow, his brow furrowed. "We can't be together. We never should have been. Back in Dover, when I thought you might be captured, I would have sacrificed all of Avalon Tower for you. And here you are, on a mission by yourself, talking about hunting down the king or searching for portal keys. You could have been captured. And then what? One of our only two Sentinels, an Avalon Steel agent, would be in their dungeons. And Nia, you don't know what it's like…I'm lucky I didn't break. We have to be thinking as clearly as possible in this war. We can't have our decisions clouded by love. I don't want you risking your life for me, Sentinel or not."

"But I made the right decision to get you out of there."

A line etches between his eyebrows. "You came here alone ." A ragged edge tinges his voice. "And believe me, I would have done the same if I thought it was the best way to get you out. Love drives us to make the most reckless decisions, but that's not what the world needs from us. The world needs us to be thinking clearly, rationally. I appreciate that you came here for me, but I hate it, too, because you never should have risked your life. I need you to go back now, and I need us to think like trained spies again, not like lovers. We never should have broken the rules in the first place. Because…I kept replaying that day in my mind over and over, the day I was captured. Every time they were beating me or torturing me, it looped in my mind. Every stupid misstep I made. The ways I could have made a better decision. I don't for a second regret giving myself up to save you. I regret that I wasn't thinking rationally and clearly that day, because half my mind was on you the entire time, and the fear of losing you was like nothing I'd known before. I kept making bad decisions. And that's what will happen to you if we let this go on. This ends with you dead, and it will be my fault. I can't do this. I can't…"

He stares into my eyes like he's searching for absolution.

I swallow hard. "You don't know that it ends with one of us dead."

His eyes mist, and he looks lost for words for a few moments.

My heart breaks for him, for me.

"Nia…" He struggles to compose his thoughts, and right now, I have few coherent thoughts of my own.

"I get it."

"I think Alix died because she was in love, because her mind was off the mission, because all she could think about was Rein. It ended with them both dead. Everyone knew how she felt about him. I'm not letting that happen to us. I'm not letting that happen to you ."

Pain twists in my chest. My eyes sting, and I shake my head. "I still need to get you out of here, Raphael. One way or another."

"With Avalon Tower. I'll find the assets, look for my sister. I'll get myself out of here with their help. If you come back here, it should only be because Avalon Tower sent you. Don't come on your own, and don't come without them knowing you're here. Promise?"

I nod. "They'll know who the assets are, so I can find you?"

"Yes. And once I get back, I'll only do what Avalon Tower needs. Not what I decide on my own, because…" His voice breaks. "It's not how it's supposed to work. You are the Lady of the Lake. You have to be focused. The world needs you. We need you. But we need you focused on Avalon Tower, not on me."

I blink the tears from my eyes. "You really think you know what's best for me?"

Raphael brushes a tear from my cheek. "I think your mission here was nearly suicidal, and it's my fault."

"Well, Raphael, I always knew you would break my heart. It's not the first time."

He touches my arm, his eyes burning brighter. "Nia, I just want you to be safe. Because if you end up in that dungeon, I will lose my fucking mind." An agonized edge laces his voice. "I want you to get out of here as quickly as possible. Right now. Where's the portal you came through?"

"It's in the fortress courtyard, near the weeping willow."

"Then go back through the portal. Don't return unless Viviane orders you. I'll be here."

My chest aches. "Fine."

He grabs both my hands in his. "I think I will always love you. But this is the way it has to be."

Another tear runs down my face, and I can hardly speak. "Please look out for the King's Watch," I manage, my throat tight. "I don't want to have to rescue you again."

He turns from me, a pained expression in his eyes as he stares at the fire. "As long as I'm not dragged here in chains, I can look after myself. I can manage. I promise. I'll find a way to make contact if I can."

I feel my chest hollowing out. "That's it, then?"

Cadoc opens the door. "It's safe. Come on out."

Raphael stands and walks from the room without another glance. I let out a shuddering breath, feeling as if my heart has been shredded.

We cross into a kitchen. It's dark and empty, just like I feel. Cadoc unlatches a door at the back.

"This stairwell goes all the way down," he says. "The kitchen staff use it. If there are guards at the bottom of the stairs, they won't be paying attention to anyone leaving. As long as you move quickly, you should be fine. But you should go separately. Yes?"

Raphael nods and looks at me. He reaches for me, then lets his hand drop, giving me a cursory nod instead. "Thank you, Nia. This is goodbye for now."

The finality of those words is a door slamming in my face.

I can't say anything. I feel as if my voice has been robbed from me.

He turns away and steps out of the door.

This was always how it was going to end with Raphael, wasn't it? With heartbreak. I knew that from the start.