Chapter 10 - Natalie

"Alright, Natalie, I'll be back in a few minutes with the test results," Doctor Blakeney says as she stands up and takes the small vial of blood. "Try to stay calm, okay? I know this can be a worrying time, but the best thing you can do for yourself is not to panic."

I force a small smile, but my mind is already spiraling. "Thank you."

She leaves the room, closes the pale blue door behind her, and leaves me sitting on the examination bed, the paper crinkling beneath me as I move.

I didn't think I would come here today, but Pearl insisted. She rode the subway with me, taking almost a twenty-minute detour to make sure I went to the doctor.

A bubbling feeling spreads through my stomach, and bile rises in my throat as I look for the nearest garbage can as a precaution. There's one next to the small sink on the other side of the room, but if I throw up again, I might not get there fast enough. I glimpse in the mirror and wish the green tinge on my skin would disappear.

I've spent the last week feeling sick, alternating between vomiting everything I eat and not being able to eat anything because of the dread that fills me constantly.

Deep breaths. Just keep taking deep breaths, and you'll get through this.

It's a false alarm, I tell myself since I didn"t get my period two weeks ago.

Some of the girls in my oil painting class swear by the power of positive thinking, and I have adopted their beliefs, but so far, nothing has worked in my favor.

There is a knock at the door before Doctor Blakeney re-enters the room. "The nurse will bring the test results as soon as she has them. It shouldn't be too long, but if you want to talk about what's happening in your body right now, we can."

"I don't know if there's much to talk about." I clasp my hands together in my lap, looking down at them. There are specks of paint on them from the piece I worked on last night.

Blue, the same shade as the ocean at dusk, and the color of Leon's stormy eyes.

Doctor Blakeney nods. "I know. It can feel like a lot. I went through the same rollercoaster of emotions when I was pregnant with my first child. Waiting for the test results is one of the hardest parts."

My hands feel numb, even as my fingers dig into my skin. "I came here for a test because I heard that the tests you do at home can give a false positive, and I wanted to be sure."

"That's correct." Doctor Blakeney sits on the stool, scooting her way over to me. "Now, if this test returns positive, we can discuss your options."

"I'm keeping the baby." The words are shaky, but they are true.

If the test results indicate that I"m carrying Leon's baby, I'll keep it. He will never know about it. I can move back to Russia, and I'm sure Marina will help me raise the child.

The thought of giving up a child when my own biological family has given me up is too much for me. I know what it's like to wonder why your birth mother didn't want you. No matter what, I don't want another child to go through that if I can control it.

There is another knock at the door, and a nurse comes in and hands Doctor Blakeney a folded piece of paper. She opens it and lets her eyes glide over the page before she hands it to me. "The third line from the bottom contains the pregnancy test result."

My body feels numb; a shiver runs through me as I take the paper from her. The letters blur before me as I try to decipher what is written.

Positive.

Silence fills the room as I read the result over and over. Part of me is excited; the other part hopes I've misread.

Holy shit. The baby of a mafia boss is growing inside me.

A hand falls on my stomach, and although there is no bump, I know there'll be one soon. I won't be able to hide the fact that I am having a baby for much longer.

I slide down from the exam table, handing the paper back to her. "Thank you for running the test," I say.

She stands up and takes a brochure from a shelf on the wall. "This contains everything you need to know going forward. If you have any questions, call the clinic, and ask for me. I would be happy to talk to you."

My heart hammers in my chest as I take the pamphlet from her and put it in my purse.

I don't know if I can do this. I thought I could; I thought I was strong, but now sheer panic is coursing through my body, and I feel sick again. What the hell have I done?

Walking through the clinic is like walking through a dreamland. Everything around me seems surreal. The crying children in their mother's arms, the posters on the wall of happy families. I feel like the air is being sucked out of my lungs as I push open the doors and step outside.

The fresh air does little to calm me, and the feelings in my body go crazy. I bend down, heaving, and am ready to throw up in the nearest bush.

My phone beeps and distracts me for a second. I pull it out, and a voice message from Tyler flashes on the screen.

I don't have time to deal with this now. None of that. Neither the baby nor Tyler. But I must deal with one of them; right now, Tyler is less of a problem.

I press play as I head for the subway station down the street.

His office is in Harlem. It's at 107 West 136th Street.

That"s it. This is the chance I've been waiting for.

And yet, when I try to take a step toward the subway that will take me to Harlem, I can't move my feet.

After years, I finally have the chance to know the truth about my life, but I don't know if I can do it after everything I"ve been through today. I don't know if I can get on a subway and confront Boris Petrovsky.

I slide the phone back into my pocket, my hand drifting down to my stomach.

Now, I also have a child to consider. I've always wanted to be a mother, and now that I'm becoming one, an unfamiliar perspective comes into play.

The stress will not be good for the baby. I need to keep a calm head. Take a few days to think about the questions I want to ask Boris.

But something tells me I will only get one shot to talk to him, and it might as well be today.

Determined—at least for the moment—I descend the stairs to the subway station and think about the baby while I wait.

It is still early in the pregnancy—six weeks at the most. If my period didn't work like clockwork, I might not even have thought pregnancy was possible.

I should have known that one night without a condom was going to screw me over. I was stupid and too caught up in the moment to care about the consequences. I wanted to feel every inch of Leon.

And now I'm carrying his child.

Groaning, I lean against one of the posts.

I was supposed to be in a loving relationship before I had a child. I should have a man by my side who is as committed to our growing family as I am.

Instead, I'm standing on the subway looking into a future where I must raise a child alone.

Marina did it, and I can do it, too. Life in Russia has taught me to be resilient, and I will be too.

Although Marina was not at college or trying to get her paintings known in the art world. She was at home, raising me and working while I was at school. She was home every night and every weekend. I don't know how I can be there for my baby like that when my whole life revolves around painting, but I will do it.

This may not be what I wanted, but this is the hand life has dealt me, and now I must find a way to balance it all out.