55. Jolly as Fuck

FIFTY-FIVE

We'd barely pulled in the driveway before it started snowing. The weather in Iowa during winter had two moods. It was either warm enough to wear a t-shirt and shorts, or you got pounded with blizzards. Mother Nature had no chill whatsoever so I considered it lucky that we made it home before it started.

Brett and Parker left Peter and me to unpack and get the house in order while they went to get groceries. We'd been gone for over a week, so the fridge was empty and we brought two athletes with us that ate more than our whole family would if it was just the three of us. The guest rooms had beds but no bedding yet. Everything was still in the packages from the online ordering I was having fun doing to decorate the rooms Parker didn't get to.

Peter proved to be a great help, both in entertaining Lily and getting the house ready for guests we hadn't been expecting. We didn't even have our Christmas tree up yet, and it was only a week until the holidays. Fuck, we didn't even have a Christmas tree!

"Peter, we have an emergency!"

He came sprinting into the room, Lily in his arms. She looked a little jostled, but was otherwise enjoying the attention.

"What? What's wrong?"

"We don't have a Christmas tree, and it's Lily's first Christmas. Holy shit, I'm supposed to be making ornaments with her feet. Fuckkkkkk. I'm a terrible mom. I didn't think about any of this. Everything is falling apart, and I forgot it's her first Christmas."

"Okay." He paused. I could see the wheels turning while he thought of a solution.

"Definitely not the emergency I was thinking of. We can fix that. Is there a Fred Meyer anywhere close?"

"I don't know any Freds, but the Meyers live down the road. What does that have to do with anything?"

He shook his head. "Okay, a store. Do you have a store we can go to?"

"Walmart is an hour away."

"There's nothing in town? I don't think the snow is going to let up anytime soon."

"There's literally nothing in town. And this snow is nothing yet."

"Does Lottie have an extra?"

"What's your obsession with my sister? She told you she's married."

"Parker said her husband is an ass."

Raf was definitely an ass, in that he was never home to be with his wife and kids. I'd always thought he was a little boring, but my sister's marriage wasn't any of my business. I didn't ask, and she definitely didn't tell.

"Still married, though."

"For now."

"We need at least two. One for the living room and one for the library." I pressed a finger to my lip, thinking. "And Lily's room! Get the car seat. We have to go shopping."

Four stores and three hours later, I was sure Peter regretted his decision to stay at the house with Lily and me. Parker called when he got home, and he wasn't surprised when I told him where we'd gone.

"I didn't know Christmas trees had to have themes," Peter mused as I separated the ornaments in the cart by color.

"Well they don't have to, but it's kind of fun. What theme would you have for the tree in your apartment?"

"Jo does our tree and pretends that we help. I hand her decorations and she puts them where they go. The first year she let me really help, but she just ended up moving them around anyway. We have Seattle colors. She took Brett's credit card and went shopping for all the stuff."

I smiled, already missing my new friend. "I like her so much."

"You should have seen how worried she was this morning. Brett and I wanted to come with you anyway, but she made us pack our bags and walk up with them in hand so Parker couldn"t say no."

"It was a good strategy. Are you guys always together like this week?"

"Honestly, sometimes more. We're together for practice and games. Then if we actually cook we usually eat together too because there's no point in just cooking for one person."

It was late and long past dark by the time we returned from our shopping trip. The snow was really coming down and it was hard to see. We let out a collective sigh of relief when the truck's headlights lit up our street. I entered the gate code, and we ascended the hill.

I didn't expect to find the house entirely lit up. Warm white Christmas lights lined every run and peak of the massive roof.

"Holy shit." Peter voiced the only thought circling in my mind.

"How did they manage to do all this while we were gone?" It wasn't lost on me that climbing around on a roof was probably along the same lines of ice skating that the guys were not contractually allowed to do. But damn, I appreciated it.

"I don't know, but I have a feeling this is going to be a really good Christmas."

I shifted into park once we were safely in the garage and looked back to see Lily wide awake in her car seat.

"Yeah, I'm starting to think that too."

The events of the morning were the last thing on my mind when Parker"s head peeked into the garage and I saw the child-like smile gracing his lips.

"Need help carrying stuff in?" He opened the door all the way when he saw me headed in his direction. I ran and jumped into his arms, smashing my lips against his. He held me tight and didn't miss a beat before kissing me back.

"I take it you like the Christmas lights?" he asked when we finally separated.

"Parker, I love the Christmas lights."

Falling in love with your best friend meant there were years of memories behind every gift, every gesture. Parker knew how special Christmas was to me, and he showed it in his actions today. Everything in our lives was changing, including the way we cared about each other, but he was showing me he loved me in ways I could see.

Later that night when we were in bed just enjoying each other's body heat, a thought crept in, blotting out some of the happiness I'd been high on after decorating the trees. My posture stiffened, and Parker lifted his head from where it'd been resting on my chest while I played with his hair.

"What are you thinking about?" He ran a knuckle down the side of my cheek.

"This Christmas feels different."

"In a good way, I hope?"

I smiled and snuggled into him. "In a very good way. There's so much to be thankful for. This year has changed my life."

"Then what has your forehead all crinkled up like this?" He smoothed the lines with the pad of his fingertip.

"I don't know if I'm happy or sad that my dad isn't here to see it. He doesn't deserve me to even be thinking of him, but when my life is so perfect like this I can't help but wonder why he didn't love me. I know I'm not happy all the time, and I'm not always a positive person, but I love Christmas and I love my family. I'm a good person and I care about people. I… I've worked really hard to become a writer. I put my whole heart into it. I don't think I'm perfect by any means, but I don't understand why I wasn't enough for him to love me."

"I hate that he made you feel like that."

"Sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up. Major mood killer after the really good day we've had."

"No. Don't apologize. I want to hear every thought that goes through your pretty mind - happy or not." He pushed a curl behind my ear and kissed my temple. "I hate that he's made you second guess yourself or think that you had to be a certain way to be loved. I like you as you are. Every grumpy inch of your personality. But I think you think you're a lot more sullen than you actually are. Or maybe you try to hide your reactions when you get excited, but I can tell from your eyes so I don't see what everyone else does."

"I know I shouldn't think about it anymore. He's not here, and he doesn't deserve the space in my head."

"That's not how grief works, baby. Deserved or not, he was your dad. It's natural to think about him when the holidays come around. I don't think he didn't love you because of anything you ever did. You were a child. It was his job to love you. It was the simplest thing he could have done. He didn't have the capacity to love you like you needed. And you're loved by so many other people. More than you realize."

"How do you know it should have been simple?"

"Because I know there's nothing Lily could ever do to make me love her any less. Because she's part me and part you. And I know he should have loved you because it's the easiest thing I've ever done."

"You're going to make me cry."

"I don't want your tears, Delilah. Don't be sad."

"I don't feel sad anymore."

"We both know you've never cried happy tears."

"One day I might." I kissed his cheek, his nose, then finally his lips.

"Well, if you promise to tell me when your brain takes you to those dark places so I can set you straight, I promise to love you so well…"—he cupped my chin in his hand—"and so thoroughly, that one day you'll give me those happy tears and not give a damn who sees."

"Even if I write a book about you and tell the whole world how perfectly you fuck me?"

He choked on a laugh and shook his head. "Even if you do that. Just please don't let my sister read it."