Nate

Mom jumps up as soon as I come into the kitchen like she’s been sitting there waiting for me.

“Coffee?”

I accept the offer and put a few pieces of bread in the toaster.

“I’ll do that, you sit down.”

I let her fuss around me, and when the toast and coffee is ready, she puts it down in front of me and watches me eat.

“Is everything okay?” I ask.

“Hmm, yes, is everything okay with you?”

“Yep.”

She watches me with an intensity I’ve only ever seen on her face when watching reality TV and Harrison’s hockey games.

“I saw the condoms in your waste paper basket,”

she blurts out.

I stop chewing mid-bite and put my toast down.

“What are you… I don’t know what you mean.”

“Oh honey, it’s okay.”

“What were you doing in my room?”

I push my chair out and let indignation overtake my embarrassment.

“I was making sure you didn’t have any laundry that had been there for a year.”

“I’m not Harrison, I can do my own laundry.”

“I know, I was just making sure, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to look, I just walked past and saw. Honey, sit down, please?”

I take a deep breath. I could walk out of the room, but that would be immature.

“Thank you,”

she says when I take a seat. I push the plate of toast away, not hungry anymore.

“Does your brother know?”

“Know what?”

“About you and Jesse?”

“How do you know it’s Jesse?”

“Isn’t it?”

I look down. Mom puts her hand on mine and gives it a squeeze.

“I’m glad you’re being safe.”

“Mom,”

I pull my hand back. My face burning.

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about , you’re almost twenty-one, I know you’re going to have sex at some point, even though you’ll always be my baby.”

I groan and cover my face. Mom laughs.

“He’s a nice boy.”

I keep my hands over my face so she can’t see my smile.

“,”

she pulls my hands away.

“What?”

“Do you like him? You’re not just ‘hooking up’?”

“Yes. And god Mom, please don’t ever say that again.”

“He likes you.”

“You can tell?”

She nods, looking like Katie when she’s trying to suppress a squeal, and I realise how lucky I am to have at least two people in my life who are so invested in my happiness.

“Harrison’s going to go crazy, you’re not going to tell him are you?”

“No, that’s not my place, but you should.”

I slink down in my chair.

“It’ll be better if you talk to him before he finds out for himself.”

“Why would he find out?”

“You two aren’t exactly discreet.”

My face burns. “Did you hear…”

“No, though I knew you two were getting up to something up there. Who comes over to study after a hockey game? I mean, it’s obvious you two are crazy about each other. The way he looks at you, it’s… well.”

My whole body floods with warmth.

“I think I’m in love with him Mom.”

She lets a squeal out and I allow it this time.

“I get it,” she says.

“What?”

“He’s a hunk.”

“Please stop, you’re worse than Katie.”

“Well… he is! I didn’t think he’d be your type.”

“Me neither, but, you can be wrong sometimes.”

Mom lowers her eyes.

“Are you okay?”

She pastes a smile on, “yes, of course.”

“Mom?”

“Okay, you’re an adult now, I’ll be straight with you. It hasn’t been easy, but your father and I are working it out.”

“But how can you…”

what can I say that won’t insult her? “You deserve to be treated better than that.”

Her smile is more genuine, but still tinged with sadness. “I know I do. But people make mistakes. Trust me, I’m not going to allow myself to be treated poorly. You don’t think less of me, do you honey?”

“Why would I think less of you? You didn’t do anything wrong.”

She sighs and picks at a cuticle. Her nails, now I look at them, don’t look anywhere near as perfect as they usually do.

“Your father and I have a lot of history, twenty-five years of marriage and two kids in college. That’s a lot to lose.”

Maybe he should have thought about that before he cheated on you. “Some things are worth fighting for. And maybe I won’t be able to forgive him, but I want to at least try. Do you understand?”

I nod. Kind of.

“But , I don’t want you to think that this is okay. At your age… if Jesse cheats on you, I want you to leave, right away, if he can’t be faithful to you now when everything’s fresh and new…”

“Jesse would never do that.”

Mom squeezes my hand. “Just promise me you won’t let someone treat you badly.”

That’s easy. The way Jesse treats me, he’s set the standard so high, I don’t think anyone else could ever meet it.

“I promise.”

She pats my hand and stands from the table.

“You want some eggs or something? You hardly ate that toast.”

“Yeah, well, you distracted me.”

She laughs, “are you watching Harrison’s game tonight?”

“Isn’t it away?”

“Your dad’s streaming it on ESPN.”

I look down at my plate.

“, I don’t want you to stay mad at him forever. Come on, you can watch Jesse in his sexy hockey jersey.”

I snort, “there’s nothing sexy about hockey gear.”

I think about the Pilsbury dough man and laugh.

“What?”

“Nothing. I’ll watch it for you, okay?”

She claps, “I’ll get snacks, what do you want, hot dogs? Popcorn? Pretzels? I’ll just get everything.”

I stay out of the house until the game is about to start, and when I get home, Mom’s made enough food for a party of twelve.

“Is someone coming over?”

I ask as she takes another batch of cookies from the oven.

“No, why? Have a cookie, not one of these, they’re still hot.”

“There’s more?”

She looks sheepish and I decide to let her have her moment.

Dad is messing around with the remote when I come into the den.

“Hey son, ready for the game?”

“Yep.”

“You’re mom’s made enough food to feed the five thousand.”

I grit my teeth. Remind myself that he’s trying.

“I know. The cookies are good.”

“Too good, I’ve had five already.”

He pats his stomach.

Mom comes in with a plate of hot dogs and tells us to get stuck in while they’re still hot.

By the time the game actually starts, I’m stuffed, but Mom keeps bringing things in and filling the table.

They both clap when they see Harrison in his jersey and I blush when I feel mom’s eyes on me, knowing I’m looking for Jesse.

I try to keep up with the game, but when you’re actually trying to follow it, it isn’t easy. You can hardly see the puck and it’s hard to understand what constitutes as a penalty and what doesn’t when they seem to just keep beating each other up.

I can only follow Jesse by the name on the back of his jersey, and I’ve never called him Engels, so it makes him feel detached, like it’s not my Jesse out there. In his jersey, he’s just that guy who hangs out in my parents’ pool sometimes and chugs beers at parties. Especially when he bashes someone into the boards and they get into a fight. Mom grabs my arm as Jesse and his opponent pull their gloves off and start punching each other.

I hear Mom gasp, “oh my,”

Dad chuckles, “get him Engels.”

It’s so weird to see Jesse fighting. I hate it. It’s not who he is at all. And I know it’s part of the sport, but I hate it. I kind of wish he’d play soccer instead. Those guys fall over if someone breathes on them.

Jesse and the other guy are given a penalty and have to sit out the next few minutes in their team’s respective penalty boxes. I don’t understand how the penalty system works. Sometimes they beat each other up and it’s okay, and others it’s not. Sometimes they get five minutes, others it’s ten.

I ask my dad what it means and if they have a power play now.

“No, it’s only a power play if one guy from the other team is sent off, giving the other team a one man advantage.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Why the sudden interest in the rules?”

“Does he need a reason?”

Mom butts in.

“No, I was just asking.”

She winks at me and I sink further into the couch, hoping Dad didn’t see.

Harvard beats us 2-1.

“We’ll do this, won’t we ?”

Dad says when Mom gets up to clear the plates away.

“Uh, yeah.”

I help him carry plates half-full with food we weren’t able to finish out into the kitchen and start scraping hot dog buns and stale pretzels into the trash.

We work in silence, moving around each other while we scrape, wash and dry, and when everything is tidy, Dad stops me as I’m about to leave.

“I wanted to talk to you about everything that’s been going on between me and your mom.”

“I thought it wasn’t my business.”

Dad rubs the back of his neck, “it is your business. You’re a grown man now, and you live here, so of course it is.”

“Did you cheat on Mom?”

“Yes. It was a mistake, the biggest mistake of my life.”

“Why did you do it?”

“That’s something your mom and I have been working out in therapy. The fault is all on me, not your mom.”

“I know that.”

He nods. “I’m not perfect , but I’m sure you know that already.”

I drop my eyes.

“And I hope you know how proud I am of you and your brother and how much I love you both.”

I can feel him watching me, but I don’t want to look at him or reply. I don’t know what to say. It’s easier to be mad at him than whatever this is.

“?”

“Yeah?”

I look up. I’ve never seen him so vulnerable before.

“Will you give me a chance?”

I shrug, “yeah. What about Harrison?”

“We’ve talked. Don’t worry about your brother, I want to know what you think.”

“I’ll do whatever’s best for Mom.”

He nods. “Okay. ?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I get a hug?”

I nod and he puts his arms around me. A woody, familiar smell that makes me nostalgic no matter how hard I try to fight against it grips me and I hug him back.

He finally lets me go and I escape to my room and text Jesse, asking if he’s okay. He doesn’t text back right away, he’s probably cooling down or stretching or whatever they do after a game, but I can’t relax until he replies.

‘I’m good, won’t be back till late, see you tomorrow?’

‘Yes. Can’t wait.’