Nate

Katie links her arm through mine as we leave the coffee shop. There’s a chill in the air and the leaves are crunchy under our boots as we walk.

“Are you seeing Jesse tonight when he gets back?”

I wonder if she notices how much I tense up.

“Yeah.”

“It’s so cute that he went home for his little sister’s birthday.”

“They sound really close. She kind of sounds like a bad ass. He said she’s better at hockey than he is.”

Katie laughs. “He’s like the big friendly giant.”

“I guess.”

“Are you gonna, you know… fuck?”

“I don’t know, we’ll see what happens.”

“Do you still want to?”

“Yes. But I’m kind of scared.”

Katie nods. “That’s normal. You know you can change your mind at any time.”

“I know that.”

“It doesn’t matter if he minds or not or if he’s pissed off, he’ll just have to deal…”

“I know.”

She stops talking and I squeeze her arm, “thank you.”

I leave her at her building and head towards the engineering department around the other side. I have a Chemistry for Engineering class on sustainable chemistry and then the afternoon is free.

Usually, I would hole myself up in the library with a stack of books until it gets dark or I get hungry, whichever one comes first. But Professor Russell’s words are still ringing in my ears.

When I get out of class, I text Jesse to see what time he’s coming back and when he says he’s already here, I reply before I can think too hard about it.

‘Want to do something?’

‘Now?’

‘When you’re free’

‘Sure. How about that ice skating?’

‘At your ice rink?’

‘No, the public one, on East Street, like ten minutes along the river from the life science building.’

‘Sure’

‘Let me just take a quick shower and I’ll come and meet you wherever you are.’

I arrange to meet him at the Life Sciences building and find a quiet spot to read while I wait.

My face is burning, thinking about the last conversation we had. I’ve never had phone sex before and it was really hot, but now I have to look him in the eye. It was so much easier when he wasn’t looking at me.

When I think about him telling me exactly how he wanted to fuck me, I want it, really want it, but he sounded like he knew exactly what he was doing and had done it a lot. What if I’m a disappointment? What if it hurts and I have to tell him to stop?

I’m relieved when he shows up on foot. Borrowing my brother’s car would make this ‘date’ – if that’s what it is – awkward.

As soon as I see him walking up the path towards me, my face gets hot, but then he smiles and lowers his head shyly and I relax a little.

We don’t know how to greet each other, so we just stand there awkwardly for a second before Jesse makes the first move.

“Shall we?”

We’re quiet until we reach the bus shelter and I ask about Jesse’s sister’s birthday.

I ask him questions just to hear him talk in that Philadelphia accent and watch him get shy when he realises I’m looking at him.

I’ve never taken this bus before, and the view is actually gorgeous. Not just the view of Jesse sitting beside me. But the view out the window of the lake on our left. The huge evergreens lining the side of the road and the little blue houses nestled amidst them. I’ve been so reluctant to see this college as anything other than a second, or third, choice, that I’ve ignored the fact that living in a college town like this has massive benefits.

M.I.T would have been amazing, but it definitely has more of an urban city feel and I would have missed this lake and these trees and how far you can travel before seeing a single house or even a car.

I look at Jesse and he’s watching me with an amused smile.

“Have you never seen the lake before?”

“I’ve seen it, I’ve just never… appreciated it.”

“It’s pretty,”

Jesse agrees, glancing between me and the lake.

“Prettier than Philadelphia?”

He snorts. “Don’t tell anyone back in Philly, but, yeah, definitely.”

“What’s your house like back home?”

He shrugs and looks embarrassed, “not as big as yours.”

Now it’s my turn to be embarrassed. “It’s not my house, believe me, I won’t be living somewhere that showy when I graduate.”

“Oh yeah?”

he turns to me with a challenging grin.

“My dad has the point of view that everyone has the ability to pull themselves up by the bootstraps because he did, so as soon as me and Harrison graduate, we’re on our own.”

“Your dad hasn’t always been rich?”

Him coming right out and calling my parents rich feels a bit like a slap for some reason, but I can see he’s not doing it to be unkind.

“No, he used to work construction.”

“Like my dad.”

“Yeah.”

“So how did he… how did he make money?”

“If you ask him, he’ll give you chapter and verse. How he and his friends pooled their money together and started a business up from the ground. He got a business loan, poached customers from his old boss and gave them a discount on their first job…”

I trail off because surely this must be boring? But Jesse is still listening intently and nodding.

“That’s cool.”

“I guess. Does your dad like his job?”

Jesse snorts, “hates it. Never thinks of leaving or doing anything else though.”

“How come? Tell me to mind my own business if…”

“No,”

he smiles, “it’s okay. I don’t know why. I guess he had kids and thought he could live vicariously through them, or that one of them would grow up and play in the NHL and pay their mortgage off and give them an easy life.”

Jesse drops his eyes.

“That’s not your job.”

“All my hockey camps and training and equipment was an investment to him. A bad one.”

“You’ve tried your best.”

Jesse lifts his head, “I have.”

It’s never good enough though, he doesn’t need to say it. I want to reach over and squeeze his hand, but we’re on the bus and I don’t think he’d want people to see me doing that. I haven’t forgotten how he said he’d never date a guy, how he just likes to sleep with them. It’s times like this when I think we’re going somewhere that it floats to the forefront and gives me a kick up the butt.

Jesse’s pretending he’s not thinking about his dad the rest of the way, but I can see that he is. I wish there was something I could do or say to make him feel better, but there isn’t.

It isn’t until we get to the rink and out on the ice that he seems to forget all about it. His face lights up and he looks at ease as his skates make contact with the ice.

There’s lots of people skating around. From little kids to older people. But the rink isn’t crowded. Jesse skates backwards as he watches me with a big grin on his face. I’m a little wobbly at first, and I can see how much he’s loving this.

“What? I’m rusty okay?”

Jesse puts his hands up, “I didn’t say anything did I?”

God that smile… even with the chipped tooth, no, especially with the chipped tooth. Damn.

Jesse holds his hand out and I look around before taking it.

“There’s no one here,” he says.

“I’m not worried about that, are you?”

He doesn’t answer, but he’s still grinning as he pulls me out into the centre of the ice.

“You’re actually really graceful.”

“What? You didn’t think hockey players could be graceful? Or was it just people from Philly?”

“Shut up.”

“Or D-men, is that it? Guys with chipped teeth?”

Jesse keeps hold of my hand as we start to pick up speed and I think one of the dads looks at us. I don’t care, but doesn’t Jesse?

Finally, he lets go, so he can skate in front of me and skate backwards again while he watches me.

“Now you’re just showing off.”

“Be quiet or I’ll make you do bag skates.”

“What’s that?”

“Jones never talks about bag skates?”

“Maybe, but I probably wasn’t listening.”

Jesse laughs before skating in beside me.

“It’s endurance training. Literal hell.”

“Like running laps in gym class?”

He laughs, “kinda, but on skates, wearing full padding. You ever skated at full speed before in hockey gear?”

I shake my head. “I’m a figure skater remember?”

“Ah, yeah, sequins and leotards, got it.”

“Don’t you skate at full speed during a game?”

“Yeah, that’s why you need to build up your endurance. But a hockey game’s usually played in stops and starts and you get pulled off the ice a lot so you’re fresh.”

“Why is hockey so complicated?”

Jesse laughs. His breath plumes in front of his face, but he doesn’t seem to feel the cold.

“It’s not that complicated. If I can get it, anyone can.”

I come to a clumsy stop and tug his jacket so he skates back in beside me.

“You’re not dumb Jesse.”

He drops his eyes with a shy smile, “thanks but…”

“I mean it. And if I ever hear anyone calling you dumb, I’m gonna kick their ass.”

He looks up and laughs, “I can do that, but thanks.”

“I mean it.”

“Okay.”

He looks around before pulling me in by the jacket and kissing me.

He pretends he’s going to push me into the centre of the ice, but he keeps hold of my jacket and pulls me back in again.

We stay out there so long most people clear out before the next group come on. With a space on the ice and the kids all untying their laces on the benches, Jesse challenges me to a race.

“You’re going to win.”

“I might let you win, we’ll see.”

I really want to see him skate as fast as he can so I agree, but I have no intention of trying to beat him.

He breaks away easily, chips of ice sparking from the blades of his skates. His big body looks powerful and graceful as he leans into the air in front of him and pumps his arms and legs as fast as he can. He must forget all about letting me win. Forget about everything save skating, because when he gets to the other side of the rink, his cheeks are rosy, there’s a big smile on his face, and he looks around like he’s wondering where I went.

He's trying to catch his breath as he skates slowly back over. “You didn’t even try.”

“I just wanted to see you do it.”

I think he’s going to kiss me again, but he ruffles my hair instead.

“Come on, I’m starving.”

After Jesse makes me let him buy me a $2 hot dog at the ice rink, we catch the bus to my house. I warn him my mom might be home. Last time he didn’t want to do anything with my parents in the house in case they heard us.

I only realise how disappointed I would be if we didn’t get to hook up as we walk from the bus stop to my house and the driveway starts to come into view. I’m searching for mom’s silver Mercedes, hoping and praying it's not there.

The driveway is empty. I look at Jesse to see if he’s as excited as I am to get the house to ourselves, but his calm expression hasn’t changed.

I let us into the house and go into all the rooms downstairs calling my mom and asking if anyone’s home. Jesse’s still standing in the hallway with his hands in his pockets when I come out grinning.

“No one’s home,”

I say. I take his hand before I can talk myself out of it and lead him upstairs.

When we get to my room, I kiss him before shyness can kick in and am relieved when he kisses me back, putting his hands on my face and running his tongue along mine. It feels so good I moan into his mouth and he guides me towards the bed and sits me down on the edge as he kneels before me and undoes my pants.

“Jesse.”

I run my hand over his sexy shaved head and he guides me onto my back with one hand.

“Lay down and let me take care of you.”

I close my eyes and sigh as he unzips my jeans and his mouth makes contact with my cock. How have I been so scared of this for so long? Jesse makes everything so easy and good. I don’t feel like a clueless virgin when I’m in bed with him like I thought I would.

I let myself think about our phone conversation again. How I told him what I wanted him to do to me, what I wanted to do to him, and how much I meant it.

Jesse swallows around my cock and I jerk up, “stop.”

He stops and looks up at me, “what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, come here.”

I tug at his shirt until he takes it off and he wriggles out of his jeans. The contact of bare skin on skin as his body touches mine is electric and I shiver.

“You cold?” he asks.

“No, it just feels good.”

He smiles and I don’t even mind if I’m giving him an ego right now. I never thought I’d say this, but I think he could do with an ego boost. I was wrong about hockey players. They are not all cocky assholes who think too highly of themselves. Or at least, Jesse definitely isn’t.

“I want to suck you.”

Jesse groans against my neck. “You sure?”

“Mm hm… yes I mean, yes, there’s your verbal confirmation.”

He chuckles and it vibrates against my chest. His cock is rock hard and flush against my stomach. “Want to make you feel as good as you make me feel.”

Fuck, I’m already so out of it I can barely talk.

Jesse flips onto his back and watches me as I hover over him to kiss his mouth, his jaw, neck, chest, stomach, that line really buff guys get leading down to their groin.

His pubic hair is neatly trimmed and I wonder why I never noticed that before. Did he do that for me, or does he always do it? Does he want me to trim mine? Does he want me to do something about the hair in my ass crack?

“What’s wrong?”

Jesse runs his hand through my hair. “You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, I swear, I love what we’re doing already.”

I shake my head and Jesse lets his hand drop, “I want to, I was just wondering… do you want me to… shave or anything?”

“Shave what?”

“I mean trim, my pubes, or the hair in my crack.”

He laughs and my face tints.

“Sorry, baby, no, no I don’t want you to do anything, just do what you naturally do, it’s all good, I promise.”

Did he just call me baby? I can’t decide if I like it or not, but it doesn’t matter because I was being stupid again and stressing about things that don’t matter.

“Okay, I’m gonna blow you now.”

“Okay. Only if you want to.”

“Jesse,”

“yeah?”

“For like, the next ten minutes or so, I give you permission to stop asking my permission for everything okay?”

He hesitates before nodding. I start to slide down the bed again, but he calls me back.

“Yeah?”

“Shouldn’t we have a safe word or something?”

“The safe word is, if I say no or stop, you stop.”

“Yep, got it.”

Jesse unexpectantly being a total dork has relaxed me more than I thought it would. And when I lick the tip of his cock before wrapping my lips around the head, I’m not stressing about whether I’m doing it right. The only thing going through my head is how much I want this. He gasps and twitches and I think he’s restraining himself from pushing his hips up. As much as I want to make him feel good and know he doesn’t mind when I do that to him, I do appreciate him holding off for me for now. I’m new to this, and I need to be eased into the whole sucking cock thing before I get confident at it enough to deep throat him and let him take control.

I’d always imagined an air of impatience from a guy I’m sucking off if I don’t just take it all in right away and go to town, but I’m definitely not getting impatience from the noises Jesse’s making as I take my time mostly focussing on the head, exploring him with my tongue and lips, and once, the tiniest nip with my teeth, which he actually seemed to like.

He has one hand in my hair, but he’s not pushing my head or even really pulling, it’s just there, teasing my hair around his fingers while he gasps and shudders beneath me, giving little encouraging noises and the odd yes and fuck , and that feels good.

I experiment with how much I can take in before it hits the back of my throat. I don’t think it’s much, but Jesse gasps and tugs my hair and tells me to stop.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t wanna come in your mouth.”

“Are you close?”

He nods and pulls me up to kiss me.

He flips me onto my back and his spit-slicked cock slides over mine as he grinds on top of me. The friction feels so good, I wrap my hand as much around both of us as I can and Jesse shudders and moans my name into the pillow as he comes over my hand.

He lies still on me for a minute, his heart pounding violently against my chest before he pushes himself up. He must have been carrying his own weight the whole time because he’d crush me if he just let go.

“I’m gonna suck you off now and you’re gonna come in my mouth, okay?”

I nod. I think he’s going to make me verbalise it, but I guess the promise from before still stands.

He takes me in his mouth and makes me come and I’ve never felt so satisfied or relaxed in my life.

When he puts his head on the pillow beside me, I admire his physique.

My eyes meet his again and he’s admiring me too

He laughs. For a second, like this, without thinking about who he is or who I am, or what either one of us is going to do in the future, I could be satisfied with things just the way they are right now. Lying in bed with a hot guy who’s nice and into me and not because he’s got a thing for skinny guys.

Jesse’s hand is on my hip and he strokes it with his thumb while he watches me.

“Do you want me to leave?”

I shuffle closer and he puts his arm around me and kisses my forehead.