Nate

Katie adds a flick of eyeliner in the mirror. “Are you sure you’re up to this tonight?”

No, but I don’t want to go home and see my dad. And I kind of want to see Jesse.

“Yes. I’m fine.”

“Okay.”

She adds a flick to the other eye and studies her reflection.

“You’re beautiful,”

I tell her, “now hurry up.”

The party is already in full swing when we arrive. I let Katie lead me through the house to the kitchen and this time, when she pours herself a beer, I grab a cup and ask her to pour me one.

“You sure?”

I nod and she pours me a beer from the keg.

I try not to look around too obviously for Jesse, but as soon as Katie looks up to hand me my beer, she grins and asks me if I’ve spotted him yet.

“Who?”

“Hunky hockey player?”

“Shh,”

I pinch her, but she just laughs.

The first few sips of beer are… unpleasant. I don’t like the taste of alcohol, I don’t understand people who say a nice cold beer looks delicious. A chocolate and macadamia nut cookie is delicious. But once I finish my first, the second doesn’t taste too bad.

“Slow down cowboy,”

Katie says when I go back to the keg for another.

I still haven’t seen Jesse and my third beer emboldens me enough to text him and ask him if he’s still coming.

I stare at my phone while some guy flirts with Katie.

Jesse replies maybe thirty seconds later, though it feels like an eternity.

‘Sorry, on my way, are you with Katie? You ok?’

“What are you smiling about?”

Katie asks.

“Nothing.”

The guy tries to pull her away to another part of the house, but she tells him she’s hanging out with me.

“I know you’re going to drop me as soon as… you-know-who gets here, but I’ll give you a pass, seeing as I’ve been hassling you for god knows how long to put yourself out there.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,”

I lie, “it’s not like that with… you-know-who.”

Katie taps the side of her nose. “Okay sure.”

“And I’m not going to drop you, because we’re just friends, and he’ll be hanging out with Harrison all night and doing keg stands or whatever they do at parties.”

I realise I’ve never really paid much attention to what Harrison and his friends do. They’re just sort of there, being mildly annoying in the background. Last time I saw Jesse at a party, he was chugging beers. Is he going to be doing that this time? Probably. It gives me a little wake-up call I think I needed and I finish my third beer and pour myself another while Katie goes to the bathroom.

I’m two sips in when Jesse walks in with Harrison and a few of the other guys from the hockey team. I realise I know a lot more about the hockey team than I thought when I can name every person in his entourage.

As soon as I see Jesse, I get stupidly nervous and look away before our eyes meet.

When I look up again, Harrison is leading his friends into the kitchen and right past me. I stare into my beer, not wanting to know if Jesse turns his head to say hello to me. Or not.

“Hey, is he here yet?”

I jump. “How long have you been standing there?”

Katie has a fresh beer and her cheeks are a little flushed. That guy is looking over again and I can see by her expression that she’ll be radiating towards him again soon and I’ll be the third wheel again.

When I go back out to get a re-fill, the keg is empty and there are only dregs of vodka and rum in bottles being guarded by fierce-looking girls. Harrison and Jesse are nowhere to be seen.

Another keg will probably arrive or someone will go out to do a beer run, but I don’t want to wait around. I remember Katie telling me once that people sometimes hide beers in washing machines and toilets. I don’t feel like drinking toilet beers, so I go in search of a washing machine. There’s a huge line for the bathroom and I can’t see a laundry room, but there is a door that seems like it might lead to a basement, so I try my luck and creep down the rickety staircase in the dark until I find the light switch, and… bingo! A washing machine and a dryer pushed up against the wall.

I open the washing machine first, but find nothing. I’m leaning right into the dryer when a noise startles me and I jump and make an embarrassing squealing noise. Made even more embarrassing when I turn around and find Jesse standing there.

“What are you doing?”

he asks. He looks like he’s trying not to laugh.

“You scared the shit out of me.”

“I’m sorry. I saw you coming down here…”

“I was looking for beer in the washing machine,”

I admit. He laughs, his chipped tooth showing. God he looks good in a clean white t-shirt and jeans.

“Find any?”

I shake my head and he comes close enough to peer over my shoulder into the drum.

He smells so good. And this close, I can make out the shape of his chest through his t-shirt. The definition of the pecs I jerked off thinking about. The veins running down his arms, and the slight stubble on his chin.

I stand on tip-toes and plant a clumsy kiss just left of his lips. I had been aiming for his mouth. I expect him to laugh or push me away or step back and pretend nothing happened. But when he looks down at me, there’s fire in his eyes, and before I can open my mouth to apologise, he’s leaning down and pressing his mouth against mine.

I push softly against his chest just to feel the shape of him. His skin is giving off this heat and I can feel his heart pounding against the palm of my hand. He shuffles closer and I take a half step back until I’m pressed against the dryer. Jesse’s tongue strokes a cautious path into my mouth and I moan. My hands gripping his neck. When he presses his hips against me, he’s hard.

He pulls away, only to lift me up onto the dryer. Holy shit.

He’s about to dive back in when he pauses.

“Fuck,” he says.

“What?”

“You’re drunk.”

“No, I’m not, I’ve only had like, three or four beers.”

“Three or four beers is plenty for you, you’re tiny.”

He might as well have laughed in my face. Tiny is not a compliment to guys like Jesse. Actually, I don’t know a single man who would take being called ‘tiny’ as a compliment.

“Hey,”

Jesse puts his hand on my face and guides it until I’m looking at him.

“Okay?”

“No, I’m tiny.”

He smiles. “You’re fucking gorgeous.”

He blushes and looks down, “and your brother’ll kill me if he finds out about this.”

Jesse lifts me off the dryer before stepping back.

“Come on, let’s go back upstairs.”

I pull his hand, even though he’s a lot stronger than me, he lets me stop him.

“I don’t want to go back to the party.”

“Why not?”

“Katie’s talking to some guy and I don’t want to be a third wheel again.”

He purses his lips. “What do you want to do?”

I glance back at the dryer and yeah I must be drunk because I’m not praying for a hole to swallow me up… yet. Jesse laughs.

“, fuck.”

He drags a hand over his face. “Do you want me to take you home?”

My face must give away my surprise, because he laughs again and says, “not like that, I mean… do you want me to give you a ride?”

“Haven’t you been drinking?”

He shakes his head and pulls a familiar set of car keys from his pocket. Was that what I felt just now? No, it was definitely not that.

“Designated driver.”

“That’s not like you.” shut up.

“I know, but…”

he glances at the dryer and back at me before shaking his head, “never mind.”

“What?”

Is he blushing? He rubs the back of his neck, “I uh… agreed to drive when I knew you were coming.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t want you to see me being a drunk idiot.”

“Oh.”

Something flutters in my stomach, “and now you’ve seen me being a drunk idiot.”

Jesse laughs. “You owe me like, five thousand times of drunk idiot. Don’t worry, you’ll never catch up. I’m the world’s biggest drunk idiot.”

“No you’re not.”

He drops his eyes. “Do you want a ride or not?”

“Do you mind?”

“Course not, I’ll have to tell your brother though.”

I feel my eyes widen. Jesse laughs. “Don’t worry, I’ll sneak you out through the back door and tell him you’re just tired.”

“You’re good at this.”

“Told you, world champion drunk…”

“Don’t say it.”

“Idiot.”

I wait for Jesse by Harrison’s car. The cold air outside starts to sober me up. What the hell am I doing? What the hell did I just do?

I’m still drunk enough that when Jesse comes outside looking hot in a varsity jacket and jeans, I tell myself I still might have a chance. Why doesn’t anyone tell you how confident alcohol makes you?

The car smells like Harrison and it helps to mask the irresistible smell of Jesse’s aftershave. When he turns the engine, the radio comes on and I ask him for his phone so I can put his music on.

I’m tempted to skip to Sexual Healing, but thank god I’m sober enough to see how much of a bad idea that is.

I keep Aretha Franklin on instead and sit back in the chair, starting to feel a little sick, and kind of silly.

Jesse’s face is illuminated by the streetlights and I can’t believe I never noticed before how gorgeous he is.

“I’m sorry,” I say.

He smiles as he stops at a red light.

“You don’t have to be sorry. You’re doing me a favour, do you know how boring parties are when you’re sober?”

“Yes, I’ve lost count of how many parties I’ve been to sober.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed yourself,”

he says, “you study too hard.”

I roll my eyes, “you sound like my mom… shit, no offence.”

Jesse laughs, “none taken, your mom’s amazing.”

He swallows, “how is she by the way?”

My stomach drops and I feel like crying. “My dad’s an asshole.”

“I’d kill my dad if he cheated on my mom.”

“I appreciate you helping out.”

“It’s the least I can do for hanging round your house all the time.”

“Mom loves you hanging around.”

We’re quiet for a bit and I notice Jesse tapping his fingers to the beat of Respect on the steering wheel.

“Jesse?”

“Mm?”

“Did I cock block you?”

He blushes, deep, “do you mean by being drunk so I can’t hook up with you?”

I didn’t mean that. I can’t believe I just said it.

“No, I meant, did I stop you from hooking up with a girl?”

“Oh. No. I mean, I do hook up with girls, but… I like guys too, in case you couldn’t tell.”

“So you’re bi?”

He frowns, “how did you know? Before you kissed me I mean. Where you just…”

he pauses, looking for the right word.

“Do you have a profile? On a gay dating app…”

“Oh shit, I knew someone would recognise me from that. I just guessed it would be another gay, or bi, dude.”

“I haven’t told anyone.”

Jesse swallows. “It’s okay.”

“Does anyone know? Harrison?”

He shakes his head. “I don’t care if people know, I’m not embarrassed, it’s just… I’m not gonna end up marrying a guy, so why do people need to know?”

My heart sinks. “That’s not how it works.”

“Huh?”

“Bisexuality, you still don’t get to choose who you… fall in love with.”

“I don’t think I could fall in love with a guy. I just like having sex with them.”

My heart sinks deeper. I should have known it was too good to be true. A nice guy I’m attracted to being into me. Of course he doesn’t want to date a guy. He just sees hooking up with guys as meaningless sex and wants to end up with a woman, in a ‘real’ relationship.

That stops the conversation dead and we don’t say another word until Jesse pulls up outside the house. I hope Dad is in bed and doesn’t get up to ask me where I’ve been.

“Are you gonna be okay?”

“Yep,”

I unbuckle my seatbelt and open the door a little too quickly and almost fall out.

“Woah,”

Jesse grabs me by the arm and pulls me back and I have to stop myself from pushing him away.

He waits until I get into the house to drive away, and I don’t turn around to wave, but I do stand on the other side of the door, listening for the car pulling out of the driveway