18. Seth

SETH

Bridgetand I sit across from one another at the long table.

We're out celebrating Nate's birthday, the whole crew.

The dinner table is separated into three factions: those who are in relationships, those who are not, and those who are in a secret relationship that might not be called a relationship but sure as hell feels like one.

I'll give you one guess at the people who are in that last category.

"I feel a little out of place," Edwin grumbles.

Sonia giggles, then leans into Edwin's shoulder. "You're young in spirit," she says with a sweet smile.

"Gag," Abigail mutters on my right.

I give her a humored smile.

Jack keeps his eyes on his cocktail menu. "One day, when you're older, Abigail, you'll understand."

Abigail takes her napkin and chucks it across the table at Jack. Talk about sibling rivalry.

I glance back at the taken end of the table. Nate, Mason, and Laney are all fawning over each other. As per usual.

Leaving only one person I haven't attended to.

Bridget. Straight across from me.

I know I'm in control of the situation, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about going out with our friends.

The few times we've been around others, it's been casual. Sure, we've had family dinner with our parents. Other than that, though, it's run-ins at the club. Her with her friends, me with mine, a little bit of light chatting.

Nothing so formal as this.

I worry my lower lip with my teeth. I want to get this right. Don't want Bridget to feel nervous or worried at all.

I've got this.

More importantly, I've got her.

Except it's hard when she's looking so fucking beautiful in a violet sweetheart neckline dress, her neck glaringly bare. Would look even better with a delicate chain around it, locked by a lock. A lock only I hold the key too. A collar marking her as mine.

Her long-lashed green eyes cast shadows over her cheeks as she looks over her cocktail menu.

Out of the corner of my eye, the server approaches Nate at the end of the table to start taking drinks.

It's do or die. "What do you want, Bridget?"

Her eyes shoot up.

"To drink, what do you want to drink?" I press.

Bridget glances back at the menu, then to me. "Um…"

"Why do you care?" Abigail asks with a tone that makes me uneasy. "You want to copy whatever sugary drink she gets?"

Bridget furrows her brow. It's endlessly cute. "I don't get sugary drinks!"

"Sure, Miss Pina Colada, extra Pina." Abigail leans her chin in her hand, smiling like an imp.

I ignore Abigail, eyes hardening on Bridget. If she wants a choice, it's now or never.

Bridget drops her cocktail menu and sighs. "Gimlet."

"Not too sweet." I nudge Abigail's arm.

Abigail rolls her eyes. "Whatever."

Bridget wraps her arms around herself. She's holding back. Not the usual firecracker she can be at events like this. Not letting it all fly off the handle. Trying to be controlled. For me…and perhaps because she's scared.

I still adore her just the way she was before we began our…dynamic. While she was always so free, I was withholding. We balanced each other out that way.

I remind myself that we have time to develop our understanding of our arrangement.

Although I'm tired of calling it an arrangement. It's a relationship the same as anyone else's. Not one that can see the light of day, but…

I look at the rest of the table and feel my blood wanting to boil.

Why can't our relationship see the light of day? Edwin was Sonia's boss. And Sonia was the ex-girlfriend of Edwin's son. Meanwhile, Laney was Mason's ex-girlfriend before Nate fell for her. Mason couldn't let go either and now the three of them are in their own little love bubble.

Look at how well they all get along now.

We're fucking adults. Things were weird at first in every case and then we built a bridge and got over it because…because they're happy.

And Bridget makes me happy. She has since I met her, though I wasn't always clear about that.

She lights up a room. Her not-so-innocent glimmering eyes always have been filled with curiosity and vitality that's scared me.

She made me so happy I didn't know what to do with myself.

After everything that happened to me, I wasn't ready to accept that there would ever be a bright side again. So, I kept her at arm's length…all the while fending off the interest of any other guy.

I wanted her to be mine because she was beautiful, yes, and I knew somewhere inside we were meant for each other. A perfect match.

But I've been working for ten years to be closer to her sunshine.

Now I'm not afraid to burn.

Fuck, I might love this girl.

"Sir?"

The voice calling me that is wrong.

I snap to attention, look at the server now at my shoulder, her face bent so close to me I can smell the suffocating scent of her spicy perfume.

"What would you like to drink?"

"Bourbon. Rocks."

"Do you have a pref–"

"Most expensive." I point at Edwin. "It's on him, anyway. "

Edwin chuckles, nonplussed by my sticking him with the bill.

The server lifts her eyes to Bridget, her mouth about to form the question.

I interject before she can utter a single word. "And she'll have a gimlet. Extra splash of simple syrup, she likes it on the sweet side."

The server moves on to Abigail and Jack, but I hear none of their exchange. My eyes gravitate to Bridget.

I drink in the soft smile on her lips, the warmth of her cheeks, and the way she's looking at me.

It's not with lust. It's not in submission.

Could that be love too?

After the server saunters off to put in our drink orders, Abigail's fiery eyes shoot to me. "Okay, what the hell is going on?"

"Abigail, relax…" Bridget says.

"He's being nice to you. He's never nice to you," Abigail retorts.

My heart sinks to my stomach.

I know that's the truth, and yet hearing my reputation out loud isn't a good feeling.

"I'm turning over a new leaf." I force a smile. "Is that so hard to believe?"

Abigail's jaw drops, her freckled forehead creased with wrinkles.

Jack shakes his head. "Jeez, Abigail. Why do you always have to get involved in other people's business?"

I glance at the other half of the table. They're all caught in their coupley bliss, not paying any mind to us.

"Well, I just–I'm just confused! Did you know about this, B?"

Bridget opens her mouth to respond, then closes it, unsure what to say.

"I mean, did he even apologize for the hell he's put you through?"

I choke on a sip of water. "H-hell?"

Abigail's eyes narrow, a minxy smile appear on her lips. "Do you know how much Bridget has fretted over your liking her since, well, since forever?"

Jack narrows his eyes at his sister. "You were like eleven when they met, you knew nothing about it."

"I was thirteen, asshole," Abigail hisses.

I splay my hands out. "Okay, okay, let's relax, let's…"

Abigail takes a deep breath. Her temper has gotten wilder lately.

Sometimes, her face matches her deep scarlet hair. "I just want to know if you apologized to her. Because she deserves that for all the time she spent fretting that you didn't like her and all the times she tried."

Have I apologized? I don't…I don't know.

Jack rolls his eyes. "Why are you sticking your nose in their business?"

Abigail crosses her arms over her chest. "It's all our business because we've all put up with their fighting for years, haven't we?"

I fix my eyes on Bridget.

Her silence is speaking volumes. She's trying to be good.

I don't doubt getting ready for this event was stressful. Because she wants to get it right.

My sweet sub. Wanting to make things right for me always.

"Fine." I cut Abigail off from her next tirade. "You're right. I owe Bridget an apology."

Bridget shakes her head, unable to speak.

"Bridget," I say. "I haven't apologized, have I?"

Her green eyes tremble, her pink-painted lips contorting with nervousness. "No, S-Seth."

I can sense the hesitation before she calls me Seth. If only she knew my name causes just as much pleasure as when she calls me Sir.

"Well, I obviously owe you one after all this time." I glance at Abigail and Jack, then refocus on Bridget. "I was selfish and…misguided. I didn't realize the way I was treating you was having a ripple effect. But none of that matters because I was hurting you." There's a hitch in the back of my throat.

I hurt Bridget all the time. The way I've treated her was wrong and neither of us deserved to hurt that much for the past ten years, but she deserved it even less.

I realize now I've hurt in ways I need to atone for. And that goes further than making her come and telling her sweet things. It entails accountability and strength in a way that I've never been very good at.

I'm ready to be good at it now.

"I'm deeply sorry for the trouble I've caused you," I say. "I've never disliked you…I just…" Didn't like myself very much…

Still don't.

But I like myself with you.

"You're just shit with emotions," Abigail says.

Jack must kick Abigail under the table because she growls at him.

I nod. "You could say that."

Ever so innocently, I slide my hand across the table, palm facing upward. "Forgive me?"

Bridget smiles, a soft smile like the flicker of a candle in the dark.

She places her hand in mine, and I have a hot flash from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.

"Yes, Seth. I forgive you."

I squeeze, run my thumb over the back of her hand and then release it.

That's probably as much intimacy as we can get away with in public. Because even if we never really had that kind of relationship, in the eyes of everyone around us, we are…stepsiblings after all.

After that littleawkward but necessary moment, both Bridget and I get more at ease.

I can read Bridget like a book. It's my job. My responsibility. I know when she is scared.

Now, after two, going on three, extra gimlets, she is relaxed. Posture melting, smile effervescent, and easeful with conversation.

She only speaks to me when addressed, but I sense she is getting used to the give and take of our dynamic out in the world.

After Nate disallows us from singing happy birthday, we are all given dishes of tiramisu.

However, it becomes painfully obvious not everyone needed their own dish since the crew at the left side of the table is all sharing. Dipping their spoons into each other's dishes, sliding them into each other's mouths.

"Ick," Abigail mutters before grabbing a huge spoonful of her dessert.

"That I agree with you on." Though there is a small part of me that would love to dip my spoon into Bridget's perfect mouth, hold her chin delicately in my hand, watch the sweetness titillate all of her senses.

"It all happened so fast, didn't it?" Jack leans on his elbow. His spoon sticks straight up in his tiramisu, his expression downturned.

I feel for my friend.

Up until Bridget, the two of us were in the same boat. He works too hard in finance, and I work too hard in tech. The difference is, I know what I like, and he doesn't even have the wherewithal to guess at what he likes.

I can see the Dom in him. We've talked some about the lifestyle and I've tried to take him to the Underground on a few occasions, but he gets too nervous.

It is okay. Everyone must come into their own at their own pace.

"Yeah, it was like a domino effect after Dad met Sonia," Abigail says, her usual brashness eclipsed by discontent. "It's just the four of us left."

Bridget's eyes flash to mine for the briefest second.

"We need to be going out and wingmanning each other!" Abigail says with a bright smile. "Then we don't have to sit at the kids' table!"

Jack grunts. "This isn't the kids' table. We are literally all at the same table."

She waves him off. "Oh, hush, you."

I laugh.

"What do you think, Bridget?" Abigail asks. "We should come up with a plan. We all know each others' types, it would be perfect, right?"

"I–I–" She shakes her head. "I don't know, I wouldn't even know where to begin. What do you think, Seth?"

I don't know what to say either.

"Could work." I knock back the rest of my bourbon.

"Please, what happened to my party animal?!" Abigail teases Bridget. "You turned twenty-six and started having to pay for your own health insurance and got boring?"

"No, nothing like that…" Bridget says, eyes downcast into her drink.

Thankfully, Abigail is a little tipsy too. She slams her hands on the table and cries out, "I know! We should go on a trip."

"Here we go," Jack mutters.

"I'm serious!" Abgail scoops up another bite of dessert. "We all go on a trip. We relax, we go–a beach! We're all hot. We hang around, make it clear we aren't coupled up, and we go have fun. An experiment. Let's see if we can do it in the best circumstances, not just a crappy New York winter night at a club."

Jack hesitates. "Well, I guess that's not the worst idea."

No, no, noooo. I don't need Jack agreeing.

Abigail stares eagerly at Bridget. "Well, what do you think?"

Bridget's anxiety buds to the surface again, a grimace on her lips.

Abigail whips out a hand, flat-palmed. "And don't ask Seth. You're your own person."

Inside, I glower.

Of course, she is her own person. She's just consented to giving me the reins.

I can't punish her for other people's actions. But I can flounder in frustration.

"I…think it's a good idea," Bridget says. "Seth, what do you think?"

Her agreement makes me uneasy.

I have to wonder if that's what she wants. To go meet other men that she can have out in the world.

Am I not enough behind closed doors?

I'm not an insecure person. Except when it comes to Bridget. And since my life has revolved around her for ten years, perhaps I am a very insecure person.

Fuck.

Most of the time, I'm able to read Bridget's expression, get an idea of what she's thinking from a tiny look. But right now, I can't. It's all muddied, clouded over with the crack in my heart growing more intense.

I won't survive if Bridget wants to be with another man.

I can't hold her back either.

I'm jumping to conclusions.

Bridget is polite and sweet to a fault. She's probably just being agreeable.

Guess I'll take a page out of her book.

"Sounds like a great idea," I say. "In fact, my family has a place in Key West that just sits empty. We can head out whenever we want."

Abigail's eyes brighten. "Key West?! That's perfect!"

"I didn't know you had a place in Key West, Seth." Jack furrows a brow.

"I…" I lick my lips, then look into my plate of mostly untouched tiramisu. I'm suddenly not very hungry. "It was my dad's place. Don't go much." Haven't gone ever since he died.

Jack exchanges a look with Bridget. "We can go somewhere else. We can find a place, no problem."

Bridget nods.

"Are you kidding? Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, Jackie boy." Abigail is far gone with her old fashioneds…and she's supposed to be half-Irish. Her tolerance is blasphemous.

"It's fine, guys." I force a smile. "It'll be nice to go back there. Been a while."

Abigail starts raving about all of the things we'll do. The bars we'll go to, the days lounging on the beach, the shopping, the outings.

And I retreat into myself. Wish I could be anywhere but here right now.

Until I feel Bridget's foot against mine under the table.

I look up at her, find her beautiful, sympathetic smile. Her fingers touching the dip of her clavicle reminding me of her collar. The one I wish she could wear out in the world.

She belongs to me. And she fucking knows it. The whole world should know it too.

And I…belong to her. My heart aches for her. I want a life with her. I want to be a part of the coupley end of the table, want to be able to smile at each other, knowing that we will go home together, that the other side of the bed won't be empty.

If I could tell her tonight, I would.

But there are parts of me she doesn't know yet.

Key West will be perfect for that. Or it might wreck me.