26. Abigail

26

ABIGAIL

The crisp March wind sweeps over the cliffside, whipping at my back. If I let the wind carry me away, it might send me stumbling toward the edge, down into the rocks below. I might only be studying birds, but the work isn't for the faint of heart.

The grunting cries of puffins surround me from all sides as I climb down toward my research partner, Olivia, who is studying a mama puffin burrowed into her cliffside nest, waiting for her partner to return with food.

I tighten my scarf around my neck and post up behind her, pulling my binoculars out to get a closer look.

She's so damn cute, her puffy body settled on her egg. Like penguins, puffins lay one egg every season.

"How's it going?"

Olivia shushes me. "He's coming back."

We watch the bobbling male puffin approach the nest with a beak full of fish. Good man. And, as any good puffin mate would, he feeds his partner.

"So romantic," Olivia says drolly.

"Don't be jealous."

Olivia glares at me through her glasses, sprinkled with water droplets. "I'm not jealous of a bird."

"Sure, you're not…"

She elbows me, then starts taking notes on her clipboard.

It's a beautiful day, although most days are, here in Ireland. But the sun is out, a rare feat for March. The sun casts a golden glow over the sea, the choppy waves reaching for the warmth. And everywhere, puffins mill about, settling in for their few months on shore to rear their young.

This large colony has had a decline in population in recent years, which is why the Clare Marine Institute has been studying them. However, it seems like it's going to be a good year for these puffins. So many of them are finding new mates, older pairs are still healthy and breeding.

It's beautiful to see how animals, no matter what kind, aren't that different from humans at all.

"How's Miss Lonely Hearts doing?" Olivia asks me.

"I haven't seen her yet today."

Miss Lonely Hearts is a puffin from the colony who lost her mate over the past year. She's been courted by several of the single males but seems to keep to herself for the most part.

Olivia shakes her head. "I don't understand when animals don't follow their instincts."

Olivia is a no-nonsense Irishwoman with a dark blunt bob. She's much less impressed by the cuteness of the puffins than I am, always measuring up their behavior like it's something objective, like they don't have feelings.

However, I get Miss Lonely Hearts. "No need to rush her. If she doesn't want to mate, she shouldn't."

"Well, that's no good for maintaining the colony," Olivia says, finishing up a note on her clipboard.

I watch the puffin pair. Nuzzling and cuddling. It tugs at my chest. "If she can't have the person she wants, then she shouldn't force it."

"You mean puffin she wants." Olivia snorts, dropping her clipboard in her lap.

"Sure, that's what I meant."

Olivia chuckles. "You humanize them too much, Abigail."

"I can't help it." I've thought about getting over Theo by getting under someone else. There's plenty of handsome Irishmen around, even a couple on my research project. It doesn't have to be serious, and it doesn't have to be deep. It can be a night. Maybe a few nights. Even just the few months I'm here.

I can't bear it, though. I'd rather be alone until I don't want him so badly. It wouldn't be fair to anyone. Including myself.

A gust of wind sweeps across the cliff, ruffling my hair and sending a chill down my spine. The chill doesn't leave, well after my body has adjusted to the cold.

My nerves are pricked. Like someone's watching me. I pull my coat tighter around me. "Cold today."

Olivia glances at me, ready to give me a sassy retort. But her attention is diverted. She looks up the cliffside, narrowing her eyes. "Someone's watching us."

Oh god . That's the worst. Sometimes, tourists see that we're getting close to the puffins and want to see if they can get close too, not realizing they've entered a research area and that their presence is going to interrupt the ecosystem.

However, when I follow her gaze upward, I realize it's not a tourist. Not at all.

It's Theo.

"Oh, my god." Is this a dream? Have I been in the fog too long? Lighthouse keepers used to have psychosis because of the fog, right?

I rub a hand over my eyes and refocus on the figure.

Nope. He hasn't disappeared. I'm not hallucinating. It's him.

And he's looking wonderful, even more in his element here than in New York with his long, gray coat and hair caressed by the wind. Almost like he's a gothic romance hero standing on the moors.

"What the fuck is he doing here?" I mutter.

Olivia gapes. "You know him?"

Better than you can imagine .

I push myself to my feet. "Just a second, I'm going to deal with this."

I climb the cliffside adeptly, a skill I've picked up pretty quickly in my time here. When I reach the final ledge, Theo steps forward, holding out his hand for me.

I ignore his hand, knowing one touch would smash me into smithereens.

I lift my eyes to his but can't remain there. It's too much, makes my insides ache and my face grow hot.

"What are you doing here?" I ask as I dust the dirt off my hands.

"Can we start with hello?" Theo asks, a half-smile on his lips.

I eye him with wariness. "Hi."

"Hi."

I gesture with my hand for him to go on now that the hellos are out of the way.

"Well, I came to see you, obviously."

I don't know what to say. "Why?"

He swallows. "Because I've missed–"

Olivia sidles up to me, interrupting whatever his declaration might have been, to my dismay. "Hi there." She sticks out her hand. "I'm Olivia."

Theo takes her hand with hesitance. "Theo."

They shake.

"You know Abigail?"

"Yes, we're…" Theo trails off.

I can't blame him. What are we? Old friends? Family friends? Ex-lovers?

"He's come to visit me," I follow-up. No need to define what we are to each other if we can help it. "Although, I'm in the middle of my workday, so your timing is a little off."

Theo purses his lips, eyes dipping with embarrassment. "Timing has never been my strong suit."

My stomach twists.

What a lie that is. His timing has always been extraordinary. When it's just us, touching and feeling, like the rest of the world doesn't exist.

What would we be if the rest of the world didn't exist?

"Listen, Olivia," Theo says, leaning toward her with an imploring look. "I've come all the way here from New York and, I know this is a burden to you, but if you could spare Abigail for a half hour or so…more if that's amenable, well, I'd be so grateful."

I bite down on my lower lip, keeping myself from shaking my head.

"Um, sure," Olivia says, blinking. "I can spare her for a bit."

I start to rebut, "Really, Olivia, that's not–"

"Thank you," Theo answers definitively.

Olivia mutters a goodbye, giving me a look of, "You'll have some explaining to do later," and heads off down the next rocky path to check on our puffin subjects.

When I'm sure she's out of earshot, I fold my arms over my chest. "Seriously?"

Theo's brows jump. "What?"

I roll my eyes. "You're meddling again."

Theo lets out a breath that's something like a laugh, but more like a frustrated sigh. "That wasn't meddling, that was–" His jaw hardens. "I came all the way out here to see you, Abigail. And I'm sorry my timing was bad. All right, I'm sorry."

I can't help how my insides are melting over his presence. He came all the way out here to see me. Me. I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing that I'm impressed, though. Not yet.

"Look, we can talk later. If you want to go about your day. I shouldn't have interfered, that's the last thing I meant to do."

"What were you going to say before Olivia walked up?" I need to hear it.

Theo opens his mouth, then smiles. "I've missed you, Abigail."

The tension in my muscles melt. It's so nice to know he's been thinking about me after everything.

Just like I've been thinking about him.

"Well, you came all this way, so why don't you let me show you around, hm?"

"I'd like that."

Theo follows in my wake as I lead him across the research area.

I point out the different spots where we study the puffins, hand him my binoculars to watch the couples and nests, point out the birds on over the waves as they hunt for fish.

It might be strange to be giving him this tour, that our first conversation is all about puffins rather than us . It works, though, to loosen me up.

Talking about the birds, what I'm passionate about, makes the rest of the world drift away. All the world but Theo.

Eventually, we make it to a rocky outcropping that overlooks some of the puffin habitat. I gesture toward the makeshift bench. "You want to sit?"

"Yes, please."

As we sit, I see a solo puffin out of the corner of my eye. Miss Lonely Hearts. She's waddling along, seemingly watching some of the unmated males.

"You're doing well here, then?" Theo asks.

"I am." As well as I can be.

He nods, folding his hands between his knees. "That's good."

Waves crash loud between pauses in our conversation, the smell of salt permeating my senses.

"Are you doing well?" I stare down at my hands. They are dry and cracked from all my time outside these days.

Theo sighs. A moment. Another. "No, Abigail, I haven't been doing well."

I don't know what to say to that. "Bonnie? Is Bonnie okay?"

"She's all right. She's staying with a friend of mine while I'm here. An elongated slumber party with his kids."

I can't help but smile.

I've been so focused on missing Theo, But that hasn't stopped me from missing Bonnie. Worrying about her. If she misses me. If she remembers me. If she thinks I left her. It's too easy to ache. She did nothing wrong. All of her suffering is the result of adults being childish. A story far too familiar.

"But…she misses you too." Theo shifts, turning toward me. "Abigail, I'm so sorry."

I suck in a breath.

"I'm so, so sorry that I tried to interfere with your life," he goes on, voice earnest and thick. "My intentions came from a good place, but I know that's little consolation."

"It's okay."

Theo moves closer to me. His eyes bore into the side of my face, begging me to look at him. But I can't. Because I don't know how I'll react. Don't know if it will be tears or laughter or something else. It's too unknown.

"No, it's not okay," he says. "It's not okay that I did that to you. I betrayed your trust. I did what every man has done to you, and the last thing I wanted was to be like every other bloody man who hurt you."

I can't breathe.

"I promised not to hurt you. And I did. Instead of just telling you the truth."

"The truth?"

Theo says nothing, and that's the key to pulling my attention toward him.

I knew I shouldn't have looked at him, because the second I do, the second his blue eyes find mine, I remember everything as if it's happening all at once. The initial discomfort with him that turned into admiration that turned into want, insatiable want that turned into…

"Abigail, I…" Theo reaches a hand to me. Tentative so I can draw away.

I don't. I let his hand land on my cheek, and a sound escapes my throat.

I've missed his touch.

His gaze is resolute. As are his words. "I love you."

I lean my face into his hand, let my eyes flutter shut as I am overtaken by a gasp.

Theo's fingers lace through my hair. "I should have told you sooner."

"You should have." I nod.

He leans his forehead against mine, his lips only an inch away, but I'm not ready to kiss him. Not ready to let the memory no longer be a memory.

If it happens too fast, I might not believe it's real.

"Would you believe if I said I was scared?"

"Yes."

Theo laughs, breath landing against my mouth, sound rumbling in his chest. "The last woman I said that to was Bonnie's mother and…we know how that turned out."

I touch his wrist, dare myself to open my eyes. "I don't know, Theo. Not really."

He doesn't talk about his ex, Esme, ever. At first, I thought it was out of respect, but I'm starting to realize it was self-preservation.

Theo ducks away, his eyes leaving mine. "Well, I…it's not important."

I chase him, my hands flying to his shirt. "It is important. I need to understand. I need to understand you the way I've let you understand me."

He winces.

"I don't have secrets from you. I told you everything," I say. "I told you more than I've told anyone."

Theo presses his hand to mine but says nothing.

I lean onto his shoulder, resting there.

I will sit here until we turn into rock, until we become the cliffside that houses the puffin colony for generations to come. I will stay as long as there is a chance that I can know him entirely. "Please, Theo."

"I don't know where to start."

"Wherever. Starting at all is perfect."

Theo takes a deep breath, his ribs expanding under my hands. And then he begins.

"Esme was a decade younger than me. Which is why younger women make me cautious. It doesn't leave room for nuance, but that's where it comes from." He lifts his chin, narrows his eyes as he looks out at the salty sea. "I loved her, but it was shallow. Looking back at it. I was always having to clean up my brother's messes at the company and…I didn't give her much attention. Then again, she wasn't easy to love. Didn't show much behind the curtain."

I conjure an image of Esme in my mind's eye. Beautiful, thin, model-type. The type of person who would be married to a billionaire on looks alone.

"Then Bonnie came along, and we got further apart. It should have brought us closer, but it didn't. I found myself parenting way more than Esme by the end, which would be fine, if Wallington Limited wasn't also in its last gasp. And all the while, she was fucking around with my brother and–"

Theo huffs. "The point is, we weren't a match. But then we had a child, and our lives wrapped up in each other, so when the affair came to light–"

Poor guy. "How did you find out?"

Theo hums, an uncomfortable sound. "My brother told me. Flat out. It was…well, it was embarrassing because I hadn't even suspected. I was so consumed with work and my child."

"Good things to be consumed by."

"Yes, but so consumed I didn't even realize my wife was cheating on me with my own brother?"

I rub his chest. "You did what you thought was best."

"Yes, well, what I thought was best included demanding full custody from Esme," he says. "She waived her parental rights. Bonnie is entirely mine."

I'm shocked. I didn't realize that's why she wasn't a part of Bonnie's life. I thought it was his ex-wife's choice. Not his.

"I was so angry, I made her choose between her child and my brother. And she chose him, which–"

"Is disgusting," I say.

"Maybe, but it wasn't fair for me to give her the choice in the first place." Theo frowns. "No. No, it wasn't fair to Bonnie to make her choose because now she doesn't have a maternal figure."

His hand interlaces with mine. "Which is why when you started showing up for her the way you did, I felt I owed it to her to figure out how to keep you as long as possible."

We exchange soft, apologetic smiles.

"I'm sorry I tried to do it the way I did instead of explaining to you," Theo said.

"We could have stayed together with the distance," I say.

Theo nods slowly. "Yes, I don't know, there was something in me that felt it was all or nothing. I thought it was for Bonnie's sake but really, it was for mine."

My fingers start to massage his, palms warm and pressing together.

"I had pinned my happiness to you, Abigail. And once you were gone–" Theo's voice strains. "There was a time where every day was a fight to make it to the end. I wanted so badly to not be alive."

" Theo… "

"After I found out about the affair. And the company collapsed. All I had was Bonnie and if everything I touched fell apart like that, then I wouldn't be good for my child. I'd ruin her life."

I gasp. "Theo! You're one of the best fathers I've ever seen."

"Don't lay it on thick now."

I cup the back of his neck. "I mean it. Bonnie would be missing out on so much without you."

Theo smiles with gratitude.

I want to swallow up that smile so that it's a part of me always and forever.

"I got there eventually. But it took medication and therapy, both of which I've slacked on since coming to the States. I poured so much of that into you, and that wasn't fair. Not at all."

"I'm happy to be the place you land, Theo."

He pats my hand. "Not like that, love. You can't fix everything for me."

So…now I know. Now there's enough here to make sense of what happened. The short of it is that he wanted me so badly he decided he'd do anything to keep me. In theory, that's stirring, makes my insides warm and fuzzy. But in practice, it all fell apart.

"And I can't fix everything for you either. Especially when it doesn't require fixing. So, my apology stands." Theo takes my hand and brings it up to his lips. He kisses my knuckles, a long, pressing kiss. "And I love you, Abigail."

I hold onto him, letting myself be swept away by the moment. Theo's arms are safe, safer than they've ever been. Because until now there were questions. Questions that prevented us from saying what we meant.

Now, I know. Now I can say what I mean. Though I don't know what comes next, I know we'll be okay.

We can do this.