8. Camilla

8

CAMILLA

I should have said no. I push an earring into my ear and stare at myself in the mirror. When Mari got home from work and saw how we'd barely moved since she left in the morning, she announced it was date night and wouldn't take no for an answer.

Jack and I had been working all day on discussing our options with the four farms we saw in the previous two days, setting up a basecamp at the kitchen table. I admit, I was hoping for a change of scenery.

So, I said yes before Jack and I even consulted on it.

It wasn't until we got back to our room that he showed how he truly felt.

"Are you crazy? This is going to make it all worse."

I apologized, though I didn't really feel sorry. He's the one who put us in this position with his lying. For the most part, we've been getting away with it just fine.

Still, pretending doesn't help the feelings in my chest.

There's a knock on the bathroom door, and before I can tell Jack to come in, he says, "Your phone is ringing."

"Oh, thanks."

I push the door open, and Jack sticks his arm in before the door can swing too wide.

"I'm fully clothed, Jack."

"Sorry, didn't want to risk it." He leans so he can peek through the door.

I take the phone and glance at the contact.

Dave PI .

"Thanks," I say again before shutting the door on him hard.

I fumble to answer the call fast. There are so many questions of what Dave could be calling about. Last we spoke, it was another dead-end lead.

"Hello?"

"Hey, sweetheart, sorry to call when you're working, but I've got a lead."

I move to the edge of the bathtub and sink down onto it. Of course, I had to be in the bathroom where my voice can echo off the walls and Jack could hear everything if he tried.

"What is it?" I ask.

"Well, I think if everything's adding up right, Juana Gonzalez has a master's degree in engineering from Berkley."

My eyes widen. "Wow, that's impressive."

"And if I've added it all up right, her last job was in San Diego."

"Not her current job, though?"

"Working on it, working on it." Dave hesitates. "This is good news, sweetheart."

I try to smile. Another clue. Another lead. Another inevitable disappointment. "I'm sorry, I'm not losing faith, I promise. I'm just–"

"You're tired, kid. I get it. I'm working on it, you know I am."

Running up the clock, running up the fee… Dave's a good guy, but this is still business. "I appreciate you telling me."

Now, I'm going to be up late googling everything I can about any Juana Gonzalez at UC Berkley.

"Of course, I'll let you know anything new as soon as I do. Don't give up hope, kid. We're gonna get her."

I don't like the way that turn of phrase sits in my stomach. Sounds like we're trying to grab her and tie her down.

I just want to meet my birth mother. But if she's evading any attempts at being contacted, I'm not sure I should keep doing this. Or even if I want to.

"Keep your head up. Talk soon."

Dave hangs up before I can say anything.

I'll keep my head up. I'll try.

I go back to getting ready. The other earring, an adjustment of the pins in my hair, a quick tug on my dress to get rid of the static.

I look good. Good enough to fake a double date with my fake boyfriend's parents, sure.

When I step out of the bathroom, Jack is sitting on the edge of the bed, lacing up his dress shoe. He lifts his eyes to me. "Everything okay?"

"Oh yeah, it was just…" I lift the phone up, thinking about what to say.

I could tell him the truth, but that would bring him closer than I need him to be. I'm already sleeping in the same bed as him, after all. "Just my dad. Calling to say hi."

Jack nods. "That's nice."

Am I crazy? Why did I say that? I don't need to be rubbing in his face that I have a good relationship with my parents while he struggles to even talk to his.

Maybe I should tell him about what's going on behind the scenes. Would that even the playing field?

Why do I care about evening the playing field? This is just business anyway. We don't have to be friends.

Jack slaps his hands on his thighs and stands. "You ready?"

Dammit, he looks good. Really good. For a stuffy stockbroker, the guy knows how to dress himself. His height and length make me salivate.

I wonder how his other length is …

Stupid brain going stupid places.

"Yeah, I'm ready, let me just grab my purse." I go to my side of the bed and fish my crossbody from my suitcase. It's my business purse, not really suited for occasions like this, but I do what I can with what I got. I slide my phone into my bag and sling it over my shoulder.

Jack goes to the door of our room and opens the door for me.

"Thank you," I say, a little surprised he's being such a gentleman behind closed doors.

He only nods.

When we go downstairs, the television is blaring, and Winston and Kelly are gorging on pizza. I smile in their direction, but they don't seem to notice.

Mari walks into the front hall and gasps when her eyes find me. "Look at you! Oh my gosh, you look beautiful ."

"Oh, thank you," I say with a budding smile. Have to admit, that feels good.

Mari hurries over to me and grabs my hand, lifting it in the air. "My goodness gracious, do a little spin for me!"

I laugh. I'm not sure this is what people mean by a turn on the catwalk, but it's charming as hell.

"Jack, isn't your girlfriend just gorgeous?" Mari grabs my biceps and wrenches me in the direction of the stairs toward Jack.

Jack stops on the last step and stares at me.

Oh my god. He's sizing me up. Probably trying to decide what kind of compliment he can give me without making it obvious he's really not that into me. Although, I still haven't forgotten that last night in New York, how he said I was very appealing, how he cornered me up against the chair and inhaled me.

Jack clears his throat. "Yes, she is."

"Oh, come on, are you really already over the honeymoon phase? You're just agreeing with me? That's how a relationship dies, keiki. I should know."

Oof .

I watch the comment land on Jack's face. It's subtle, but not invisible.

"Right…" Jack considers for a moment. "You look incredible, Camilla. As always."

I think my legs are going to give out from under me for a split second.

"That's better." Mari claps me on the back. "Don't be afraid to demand what you want from him. Happy wife, happy life!"

I try to laugh. "We're not–"

"Yet!" Mari sings out. "Come on, we'll be late for our reservation."

Once Jack and I are alone in the front hall, we take each other in for a moment.

"Okay, we should go." I start to turn.

"I mean it."

My blood runs hot and cold at the same time.

His footsteps approach me from behind. "Did you hear me?"

I nod. I don't think I can talk just yet.

"Use your words." His voice comes out low and gruff and it does something to me.

"Yeah, I heard you."

"Good."

"You two are just picture perfect together." Mari holds up her fingers like she's framing a photo. "Look at them, Geoff."

"I'm looking," Geoff says, nonplussed.

Jack and I exchange a look. We're sitting side by side at dinner.

The kids are home with pizza. And I'm on a double date with Jack's mother and stepfather, pretending to be in a relationship with him because she demanded it of us.

I think Jack's smiling. It's subtle, but I've spent enough time with him that I'm starting to be able to read him quite well.

I haven't stopped thinking about what he said before we left the house. About how I always look incredible. How he meant it.

Jack lifts his arm and rests it on the back of my chair, his fingers tracing a line down my bare arm. "Yeah, I think so too."

I resist shivering because this is pretend .

But something is different. Something has shifted. His confidence. His control.

This isn't the Jack I woke up next to yesterday.

It started when Kevin reemerged from the cottage, I didn't have to say another thing. Jack was in charge. He negotiated about the uncultivated land, he made smart points about the degradation of the equipment and when all was said and done, he'd worked Kevin down well below asking price and even further below Jack's predetermined budget.

And then Jack said we would think about it. So off-handed and casual and professional.

It was really fucking sexy.

Maybe being here in Hawaii has made all of this real for him. Tangible. Or maybe he needed to name the business, realize that he has a stake of his heart in it.

Whatever it was, I like it. I like it a whole damn lot.

And I want more of it.

Though the touch of his fingers on my arm is brief, it makes my nerves tingle. So much so, I lean into his side. I tell myself I'm just playing the part. Giving Mari the show she expected when she found out her son was in a relationship.

Based on how much she beams when she's in the room with us, I'd say we're doing a good job of selling it.

Is it faking it if he touches me and I think I'm wet, though?

I'm so fucked.

"What do you think? Another drink?" Mari looks around the restaurant for the waiter.

"Mari…" Geoff says. "It's a school night."

Mari waves her hand. "So? I'm not going to school. Besides, you only get to meet your son's girlfriend once. You know this is the first time Jack has brought someone to meet me."

Jack's jaw hardens but he doesn't react otherwise.

"That's a big honor." I smile. To further sell the image, I place my hand on Jack's thigh. Not too high to be suggestive.

I know I'm pushing the limit of things between us. I can't help it, though. I'm compelled. Could be the alcohol. Could be the wires are getting crossed.

I can't shake the way he said, "Us," yesterday during our toast.

Business partners. Life partners. It's only a silly daydream. I've known him for less than a month all said and done. But we've spent so much time together through those weeks, and I've known from the beginning I'm attracted to him.

Everything is going to go back to normal when we get back to New York anyway. Might as well have a little fun with the fake relationship. Sell it really well.

That's what I'm doing. Selling it.

The waiter finally stops by. Mari orders another round for herself and Geoff before she points at me. "Another?"

"Against my better judgement." I nod.

"Jack?"

Jack eyes his glass, then looks up at the server. "Whisky neat."

He specifies the type too and that's sexier than it should be. The clipped way he says it, so direct, so self-assured.

Who is this man and what did he do with Jack Lyons?

Once the waiter steps away, the table is quiet for a moment.

Then Mari says, "Just like your dad."

It's quiet, but it was meant to be heard. We all heard it.

Jack bristles. So does Geoff. I remain as fluid as water if only to keep the peace.

"You've met Edwin by this point, I'm sure." Mari takes her cocktail glass, swirling the melted ice around in order to take another sip.

"I…have." It only makes sense that I would have already if we've been together as long as Jack is making it seem we've been.

"Of course, you have. I've heard he's a very different man now, hm?" Mari sips her drink.

Jack swallows so loud I can hear it. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean. New wife. New baby. Babies, right? That's what you told me."

Jack furrows his brow. "You did the same thing."

"Yes, but it's different," Mari says without looking her son in the eye.

I haven't taken my hand off Jack's leg. I squeeze just enough to remind him I'm here. I can ground him. I can take care of things if I have to.

"How is it different?" Jack asks.

"Don't take that tone with me," Mari says.

Geoff sighs. "Okay, let's take it easy."

"What tone? I'm just asking a question."

The server arrives at that moment with our drinks. Mari manages her same polite flourishing, as do I. Geoff and Jack remain very quiet. When the whisky is placed in front of Jack, he takes a drink immediately.

"It's just taken a long time for your father to grow up," she says. "Don't you think?"

Jack doesn't put his glass down so he can have quick access to his next drink. "I think he's been grown for a while."

"All right." Mari gives me a smile, one of those moms trying to smooth things over smiles. My mom does that all the time.

"I mean, he was more of a parent to me than you were after you met Geoff," Jack says. "No offense, Geoff."

Geoff takes off his glasses and rubs them off on his suit jacket. "I guess none taken."

"That's ridiculous," Mari says. "That's offensive ."

"You desperately wanted to get married–"

"Was not desperate ," she retorts.

"And then the second you were married, you were pregnant."

Geoff holds up a hand, attempting a smile. "It took a couple years, so–"

I'm watching a family break down in real time. And I have the sinking feeling this isn't the first time they've had this conversation.

"And who cares about a grown kid with a man you hate when you have two babies in the span of–"

"I don't hate your father," Mari says, all the joy melted off her face and, in its place, stone.

My hand on Jack's thigh has gotten so tight my fingers are aching.

"Well, you're constantly reminding me exactly how I'm like him like it's some sort of disease when the truth is I'm like him because of you ." Jack points a finger at her.

Mari leans back in her chair, mouth hanging open.

"Jack, you can't talk to your mother like that," Geoff says in a soft tone I'm sure he used with Jack plenty of times when he was a boy. A tone Jack probably disregarded over and over.

"Going to live with your father was your idea, Jack, don't you forget it." Mari's face is still, but her eyes are watery.

Jack is quiet. An odd smile spreads across his face. Then, he knocks back the rest of his whisky in one go. The clink of the glass on the table as he puts it down is so sharp it feels like glass in my chest. "Didn't you ever wonder why the hell I wanted to leave?"

Mari's eyebrows screw together.

"You've never given as much of a shit about me as you have about Kelly and Winston. And I saw it from the second Kelly was born." Jack's teeth grit together.

I place my other hand on his bicep. "Hey, let's go take a walk."

"The second ," he repeats.

"That's not true," Mari says.

I try again. "Jack–"

Jack leans forward. "You're really gonna deny it?"

"Of course, I am. You're my–"

All of a sudden, Jack stands, his chair scuffing loudly. Tables are starting to look over at us, and I'd be embarrassed if I weren't so damn worried about him.

He says nothing before walking away.

I watch him go, weaving through the tables, servers, and guests, his head ducked low. Not at all tall and proud like yesterday.

He's wounded.

I glance back at Mari. She's leaned her elbows on the table and tucked her head in her hands. Geoff lays an arm over her back and moves his mouth toward her ear to whisper something comforting.

That's what partners do when their lover is hurting.

They comfort.

And it will ruin the illusion if I don't go after Jack. Yes, that's the reason I'll give why I'm going after him, even though the pull in my chest is so strong to go find him.

"I'll be right back," I mutter in a soft tone, unsure if either of them hear me. It doesn't matter if they do.

I get to my feet and follow Jack's path through the restaurant. The feeling in my chest grows with each step, so strong it's almost like I'm not in control of where I'm going. My feet move without my understanding.

I emerge from the restaurant onto an expansive stone terrace. The restaurant is arranged on a cliffside, giving beautiful views of the ocean during the day, and the dotted starry sky at night.

Jack hasn't gone far. He's standing at the railing, his arms extended wide, fists gripping hard. Head drooped. His dark green linen shirt is rolled up to his elbows, showing off his tensing muscles. Though he's suffering, he's beautiful at doing so.

I approach, careful so I don't spook him, and take the spot beside him.

Jack doesn't look up at me, but I know he knows I'm here.

The air is warm, yet it casts a chill across my bare skin. I'm getting used to the eighty-degree days and the seventy-degree nights. The ocean waves crash below. A repetition. A heartbeat, slamming against the rocks. That one much slower and steadier than mine.

I wait for him to speak. Yet, he says nothing.

I cup his hand with mine. "Are you okay?"

Such a stupid question because of course he's not okay. That whole conversation was a nightmare for everyone involved. Both Jack and Mari were regurgitating all the pain they've swallowed all these years right onto the table while Geoff and I watched, unsure how to keep the tragedy from unfolding.

Jack lifts his head, gazes out at the expanse of nothingness. "You don't need to worry about me, Camilla."

"Of course, I do. You're my business partner," I say. "If your head isn't screwed on straight, everything's going to fall apart."

His mouth twitches. A smile.

I tighten my hand over his and move a bit closer. "More importantly, I care about you, Jack." More than I knew until this moment. Because as the words stream out of my mouth, they cause an aching in my chest. "I know this is hard, and I'm sorry I –"

"We agreed, no more apologies," he says. "You couldn't have known what it's like."

What it's like … Things between Jack and his mother are always touchy and raw. Not sometimes. Always.

"No one needs me," he says.

My mouth gets hot.

"My mother. My father. I'm just on a fucking island." Jack huffs. "And I don't mean because we're in Hawaii."

I would laugh if my thoughts weren't spiraling. "I need you."

Jack is silent.

"For the business. Of course." Of course. For no other reason. It's not like my body is betraying me and crying out for him every moment of the day. That's not happening. Not at all.

I'm a shit liar.

"I don't want you having to worry about me or chase after me," he says. "You don't deserve that."

I frown. "It's not a matter of deserving, it's what friends do for each other."

Jack finally looks at me, and what I see in his eyes is something indefinable. His pupils are blown out, eyes glassy, eyelids heavy, carrying…

No. It can't be lust. Can it?

"Who takes care of you, Camilla? At the end of the day, who runs after you ?" Jack asks, his voice a mere rasp.

I blink. "I do."

Jack's hand, the one under my own, flips over. He laces our fingers together and pulls me closer, conspiratorial, ducking his head down to speak only to me. No risk of any person overhearing. Any animal. Not even the ocean.

Just us.

"That's not good enough. To me. Not good enough at all."

I came out here to check on him and now the conversation is directed at me? How did that happen?

"Aren't you tired of putting out fires and running after everyone?"

I frown. "I-It's my job."

"All the time? No. You can't do that all the time. You won't survive. You'll extinguish yourself."

"Jack, I don't know what's going on, but you're acting really–"

He yanks me closer so our bodies are pressed together. I could back away and put space between us again.

I don't.

Jack licks his lips. Stares at mine. "You deserve someone who can hold your fire and isn't afraid to get burnt. Who will be consumed by you without question."

My brain might be confused, but my body is not. Distant pleasure throbs between my legs and my nipples are pricking beneath the fabric of my dress. I don't know if it is the alcohol speaking, but I wish he would lean forward and grab my lips in a kiss.

"You get it?" Jack asks. "Do you get what I'm saying?"

"Not at all." I shake my head, my chest pressing closer to him. I need to taste him so bad. I'll make my mouth available to him. Kissable and at his mercy. I don't care what the rules are or what the plan was.

"What if you met someone who was willing to give you everything? Needed to give…" Jack stops short. "Someone focused entirely on taking care of you. Of your needs. A Daddy."

My eyebrows raise. That word again. It's stuck with me when he threatened me with it. It wasn't that deep before. Wasn't something on the forefront of my mind.

But my subconscious? Well, that's harder to determine.

Because when Jack utters the word "Daddy," I am singed by that fire he's talking about. There's a burst of it inside me, threatening to reach out of me and wrap itself around him.

"Someone who needs to take care of you. Like they need to breathe."

"I'm not sure I understand what you are saying."

Jack's lips twist. "I don't mean to be disrespectful. I don't mean to assume. I just–"

I lay my hand on his chest. Our eyes lock. I lean further into him. "Are you offering?"

His eyes widen. Dark brown eyes. Eyes a woman could come home to. Every night. Be enveloped and caressed by.

I could live a life in his eyes.

His jaw tightens.

It's a big question, but now that he brought it up, I want to know.

I rise on my tiptoes so he can feel each of my words brushing his skin. "Do you want to be my Da–"

Geoff's voice interrupts. "Sorry kids, we're going to get going."

Jack and I both turn, shuddering apart like we've been caught doing something bad even though in their eyes it's the most natural thing we could be doing.

Mari is tucked under Geoff's arm. Her face is drawn tight, and her eyes are downcast.

I glance at Jack, and his expression is the same.

It's good we were interrupted. The alcohol is making us act in ways we wouldn't if we were sober. We both know what's good for us, good for Keiki. No need to blur any more lines than already have been with our fake relationship.

"Sounds good." I look at Jack. "Ready, honey?"

He only nods.

The car ride home, the rest of the night, what I really want to call him lies on my tongue like a magnet I'm afraid to swallow.

Daddy. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.