26. Camilla

26

CAMILLA

I type out a message to my mom hurriedly. She's sending me links for all sorts of baby stuff already. I told them during a facetime a couple of days ago. They're over the moon, even if they're a little wary of Jack. However, one look at where we're living for now and they quickly changed her tune.

So now, Mom is going hog wild, knowing that there's no budget and sky's the limit. We can get the tricked-out strollers and cribs and all the gadgets and gizmos.

I just want to get through one day without throwing up.

I text her back with a simple "Thanks!" and a bunch of heart emojis. I'll deal with that later.

I sink back into the pillows and run my hand back and forth across my belly. Still early enough to be hidden under my clothes which is good for the office, but soon it's going to be impossible to hide.

From the bathroom, Jack calls out, "How are you feeling?"

"About?"

Jack appears in the doorway to the bathroom, stretching his arms up to hang off the doorframe, extending his bare torso. His dark hair sticks out in all directions from the night of sleep we just got. So heavy and deep I wasn't even bothered by the sun streaming in through the windows. "'Bout last night."

I click off my phone and place it away from me, though there's a static cord keeping me attached to it. "Good."

Jack drops his arms. "Just good? You barely said anything on the ride home. Should I be worried?"

I would actually classify last night as beautiful, but I was so tired from all the excitement, not to mention growing a baby, that I don't think I uttered more than three sentences to Jack after we left. I don't even remember making it into my pajamas. "No, don't be worried. It went great."

Jack comes back to the bed, sliding under the covers next to me. He leans himself on his elbow and puts his hand on my bump to meet mine. "I didn't ask you how you think it went, I'm asking you how you're feeling."

Our thumbs conflict for a few moments, rolling around each other. "I feel really good, it was just a lot."

"Did my dad say anything weird to you?"

"Weird?"

"I don't know, I saw after we made the announcement that he took you aside and…" Jack sighs. "Didn't expect him to do that."

I didn't either since it was the first night I even met his father. I expected maybe a congratulations strained by worry or ruined expectations. Instead, he came over to me, grabbed me by the shoulders and…

"It wasn't weird. It was sweet. He thanked me."

Jack quirks an eyebrow.

"For choosing you. And giving you this." I interlace our fingers over my bump.

"Man, he's turned into such a sap," Jack says through a smile. He leans his head down against my belly, nuzzling it with his nose.

As he lays there, I tick my fingers through his hair, trying to get it to lay flat. "His toast was nice. Really nice."

Jack hums.

"Did he…did he mean that? About me being a part of the family?"

Jack doesn't even falter. "Of course, he did."

"That's…he barely knows me."

Finally, Jack lifts his head to look at me. "So?"

"I mean, I know I'm carrying his grandchild, but he said even without that–"

"You love me," Jack interjects.

"I know."

Jack readjusts himself. "I mean…do you want to get married before the baby comes? Would that make you–"

"No, no, that's not what I'm…is that a proposal?"

He shrugs. "I mean, if you want to get married in the next five and a half months, I can absolutely propose to you."

"Do you want to get married?"

"Don't turn the question on me," Jack replies. He stares at me with a soft smile. "If that's what you want, I'm not going to say no."

He takes the pleasing me thing a bit too far sometimes.

"I don't want you marrying me just because…I'm not in a rush for that, I'm just trying to understand." Not going to pretend I'm not totally flummoxed over half a proposal.

"Camilla, my family is weird."

"Mine is too."

Jack rolls over and sits up, raking his fingers through his hair and messing it up all over again. "No, but think about all the relationships in my family. They're weird, Cami, like weird. "

Dad marrying son's ex-girlfriend. A throuple. Stepsiblings turned lovers who aren't even technically in the Lyons family. "Okay, I see your point."

"Life is way stranger than fiction when it comes to us. We've seen the most upside-down dynamics have happy endings."

"So, you're saying we're upside down?"

"No, baby girl, no, not at all," Jack says, pulling me into his arms.

"I'm saying that…for all our issues, I think we operate under a philosophy that it's not actually that hard to love. So, why wouldn't they love you immediately?" He kisses my ear. " Especially because we're having a baby together."

I lean back in his arms and let all of that sink in. "I can understand why my mom and dad chose me without knowing me. Because I was a baby and needed them. But I can't understand why your family would choose me."

"Because I chose you," Jack responds without missing a beat. "And because you're…you. You're fantastic."

He starts kissing my neck, slow, lingering kisses.

I'm overwhelmed by love. Oversaturated with it. But can you ever have too much love?

"You don't have to love them back right away, I know they're an acquired taste." He chuckles.

"No, no, I'm just…it's all sinking in that our family isn't just us."

"No, it's not," he says. "But we don't have to think about them today."

Jack has a family that loves him. Loves me. And I have a family that loves me, and I think will love him too when they finally get to meet. That's a helluva lot of love.

Why do I keep searching for more when I already have everything?

"You still feeling up for the showings this afternoon?" he asks, brushing some curls off my face. "We can reschedule if you're tired and just need a day."

"No, that will be good." An easy way to focus on just us.

"And tomorrow, I know you were helming the interviews, but I want you to take the day off."

"Jack–"

"I can do it just fine. I've learned from the best," he says.

I won't lie, a three-day weekend sounds incredible. "I'm pregnant, not ill."

"Baby girl…" Jack nudges my nose with his. "Daddy wants you to stay home tomorrow."

A chill runs down my spine.

"Would you be a good girl for Daddy?"

I sigh. "We said work and pleasure wouldn't–"

"Just this once. Please."

My phone buzzes on the bed next to me and I grab it. "Fine, but I'm still going to answer emails."

Jack chuckles. "You are stubborn."

"You love it."

He kisses me softly. "I love you ."

I laugh and settle into his arms further as I check the text on my phone.

It's a name I haven't seen in a while.

Dave PI. Last we talked, I told him to pause on the investigation while I got Keiki in order. He said he'd touch base in two months.

Two months have flown by.

Haven't heard from you in a while! Let's talk about what comes next.

I swallow.

"What is it, baby?"

"It's…the private investigator I've been working with. Circling back about getting back to work on finding my birth mom."

Jack doesn't respond for a few moments. He adjusts his arms around me tighter. "What are you thinking?"

"I…I don't know."

"That's okay." He traces his fingers over my forehead. "Relax…"

I can't relax. I pull myself out of his arms and get up out of bed. I pace, each new thought propelling me forward. "What comes next? More looking? More disappointment? We've been doing this for months ."

"That must be exhausting."

"It is!"

Now that I'm pregnant, it's already a constant ache that I haven't gotten my house in order the way I wanted to before starting my own life.

But that means…

"I don't think I can do it anymore."

"You mean…"

"I can't handle the stress and the disappointment anymore. And even if I find her, who knows? She still might not want to see me and now I'm–" My hand flies to my belly. "Now I'm pregnant, and it's not just me, it's us. We don't need this."

I stop in my tracks. "I don't need this." My mouth goes hot and dry. "I don't need her ."

Jack watches me from the bed. "Are you sure?"

I find myself nodding even though my thoughts haven't caught up with my actions. "I thought knowing her would give me purpose, but I'm–but now–" A smile bursts across my face. "I'm your partner."

Jack frowns. "But you're not just–"

"No, no, I'm your business partner. We're opening a company together, a big one, and it's going to be amazing. I'm a businesswoman. And then, then I'm your partner the way you said because I love you and we're–I'm going to be a mom too! I'm so many things now and none of them rely on me knowing who she is!"

It seems so simple now that I say it out loud. This whole time, I've been obsessed with discovering my roots, my identity through my biology. And I didn't even realize that in the meantime I was becoming .

Jack rolls across the bed and sits up, holding out his hands to me. "Camilla, come here."

I go to him, letting him take my hands.

"You're not just so many things now . You have always been so many things."

"Not like I am now, not like–"

"I didn't fall in love with the woman you are now, I fell in love with the woman you were then. And take it from me, the person who thought about you day and night and watched you every day knowing I couldn't have you but wishing I could…you have always been so many things."

"I…didn't feel like it," I say. "You made me feel like it."

Jack moves his hands to my waist and pulls me between his knees, looking up at me with adoration. "Well, then I hope I make you feel like that every single day for the rest of your life."

He lifts my T-shirt over my stomach and admires the soft curve of it. Then, he plants a lingering kiss to my bare skin.

My muscles unfurl, tension melting out of me. I didn't know how much I had tied up in not knowing who my birth mother is. How much of my life I had staked on it. When I could have just been letting life happen. Enjoying it.

There are no more moments to waste.

"I will support you in anything you do or want, Camilla. You want a different private investigator? You want to keep looking? That's what we'll do."

I cradle his face in my hands. "And if I want to stop? And I want to focus on making my life with you?"

"Then we stop. It's as simple as that."

We stop. Like he's always been a part of this. Like any decision I'll make, he'll stand in with me.

"Our families are so excited about the baby. And they've already given me so much. Why do I keep searching for someone who might not want to give me anything more than she already has?"

My birth mother gave me life. A big sacrifice on her part. On her body. I don't need more from her. I can find myself in everyone around me. That's the way it's always been.

I'm just seeing it now.

Jack's eyes tighten on me. "I'll give you whatever you want, baby girl."

He's giving it one more chance to make sure I'm not trying to make myself feel better because I've failed.

And I'm not.

It's intuition. A feeling in my gut. It's time to move on.

I lean down and just before I kiss him, murmur, "All I want I already have."

I'm the luckiest girl in the world.