23. Camilla

23

CAMILLA

"Since we won't have your blood test for a few hours and we can't get a good timeline because of your irregular periods, I think we'll go ahead with an ultrasound and see if we can confirm pregnancy and see how far along you are," the doctor says with an encouraging smile.

Dr. Harvey is a kind, elderly woman who should be sitting on a beach somewhere sipping daiquiris instead of stuck in this fluorescent doctor's office.

"O…okay." I look over at Jack who is sitting against the wall.

He's kept his mouth shut the entire appointment. Perhaps out of nervousness. Perhaps politeness. Either way, I'm just happy he came with me today. His soft smiles and encouraging nods keep my mind settled.

Jack was able to arrange for an appointment ASAP with Sonia's OB, information he got from Abigail in an attempt to be surreptitious.

"Why do you need an OB?" she had asked through the phone speaker.

Jack is not a good liar. And she didn't know I was on the call. So, when the silence lingered too long…

"Oh, my god, you idiot ," Abigail said in the most loving way a person could to their brother who was looking at potential fatherhood.

She was sworn to secrecy and got us the information, not without some strange questions from Sonia about Abigail's own maternal status.

Her secrecy has been far from my mind since we entered the waiting room. Pastel colors and pregnant women clouded my vision.

I'm still scared. Which I think is natural. But I'm a little worried it's not clicking into place yet.

Everyone always says the second you find out you're having a baby, the world shifts on its axis. I always thought that shifting would come in the form of abject joy and fearlessness.

My world shifted on its axis, but all I can think about is the next however many months. And eighteen years. And a lifetime of loving something more than me.

It's not that I don't want it. But the feelings are more complicated than I anticipated.

Jack's reactions have been calming. He's so excited, so assured that we can do this. And I don't doubt it.

None of this is going the way I thought, though.

I thought Keiki would be our baby for a while. Hell, years. I never anticipated having children before thirty and now here I am, laying back for an obstetrician and lifting my shirt so she can squeeze that ridiculous gel onto my flat stomach.

"You don't have to hide over there, Dad," Dr. Harvey says to Jack.

I can't help but laugh. Dad. Not Daddy.

Jack shoots out of his chair and approaches the side of the examination table. "Right, sorry."

"I always love how nervous first-time dads are," Dr. Harvey says to me as if Jack isn't in the room. "It's cute."

I grin at Jack. "It is cute."

Jack's cheeks go pink.

I reach out and take his hand. Squeeze.

Dr. Harvey takes a seat on her rolling stool and whips out the wand connected to the ultrasound machine. "Okay, let's see what we've got here."

I stare at the back of the screen, chewing the inside of my cheek. I wish I could just watch so I'm not clenching every muscle.

Jack reaches down and moves some of my curls out of my face. "Breathe, Camilla."

"Yes, that's always a good thing to do," Dr. Harvey says.

I giggle. "I can't help it, I'm nervous."

"Everyone has a first time," the elderly woman says, sliding the probe over my stomach. "Ah!"

Her exclamation comes before we hear the sound. A rapid thumping or whooshing sound.

Dr. Harvey peeks out from behind the screen and smiles. "That's the heartbeat."

I let out a shaky breath, just as Jack inhales.

"Totally normal."

It's real. Not just pink lines on a pregnancy test. A beating heart.

My baby .

I swallow, attempting to quell the burning behind my eyes.

Dr. Harvey's eyes narrow from behind her thick-lensed glasses. "Mm. All right. Yes." A smile spreads across her face. "It's always so hard to maintain a neutral expression when things look good."

As she turns the screen toward us, I lift myself onto my elbows, more than eager to see what she's been seeing.

And it's plain as day. A little bean with what looks like arms and legs. Tiny and not quite babylike. There's a pulsing blot of gray. The heart. Beating at a really fast pace.

"Baby's about nine weeks now. Perfect timing for your first ultrasound," Dr. Harvey says. "Well done, I suppose. Although that means you need to get on your prenatals as soon as possible and…"

Her voice drifts into the background as I watch the image, listen to the pulsing beat.

The want to cry fades into the background. All I feel is happiness. A smile spreads across my face.

The fear dissolves.

Because my body did that . My body made that . With Jack's help of course, but my body already knows what to do.

I was made to be the mother to this baby.

So, I will not let the fear get in the way of the joy. Because our baby is a miracle. It really is. Doesn't matter that we weren't trying, or we didn't have to work hard at it. Our bodies collided and took our love and made it…

Jack sighs. "Wow."

I look up at him, smiling. Grinning. And I watch the smile slide onto his face, the one he was holding back, unsure if I would welcome it or it would scare me.

Our smiles match. The joy matches.

"How did we get here?" I ask.

Jack chuckles and presses a kiss to my forehead. "I don't know. By accident."

We might have both been accidents in our right. However, that isn't our destiny. We have taken pain and transformed it into something beautiful. Our baby might be an accident, but we have a chance to do what was not done for us.

Dr. Harvey gives us a potential due date. A summer baby. And, because we're still in a state of shock over everything, we make a follow-up appointment for next week so that we can come prepared with questions.

For now, prenatals. And take it easy.

Which won't be so easy being in the throes of opening with Keiki. But that's a problem for Camilla tomorrow.

Today, I'm going to enjoy my brand-new reality.

I'm going to be a mom. And I'm doing it with the best man I've ever met.

I'm already two months pregnant without even realizing it. The entire ride home, I'm touching my stomach, trying to feel the changes in my body.

Dr. Harvey reassured me it's normal for a first pregnancy to take a while before I'm showing, but it's my body, shouldn't I feel the change?

The longer I have my hands against my stomach, the more connected I feel to my baby.

To my annoyance, I can't stop thinking about her.

My mother.

I glance at Jack in the driver's seat. He keeps shifting his hands on the wheel as if he can't get comfortable.

There's so much to do. I know he's trying to make lists of what needs to be done in his head, but most likely before he's able to finish a thought, another one takes its place. At least that is what is happening inside my head.

"Jack?"

"Hm? You okay?" he asks, throwing me a look, worry in his eyes.

I giggle. "You're going to have to get used to me talking to you and there not being a problem or else this is going to be a long nine months."

"Seven months."

"Okay, right, but you get my point."

"Actually, a little less than seven months, but–"

"Thirty-one weeks."

Jack flinches. "That makes it sound way sooner. Stick with months."

"It's going to be sooner than we're ready for."

Jack pulls up to a stoplight and sighs. "Yeah, you're right about that."

I take hold of his hand, pulling it into my lap, against my belly.

He looks at me. The love in his eyes is palpable.

Which makes me wonder if my mother had this. If she did, wouldn't she have kept me? Even if she didn't…

"I can't stop thinking about my mom." It kind of slips out without me realizing, a peep, a squeak.

Jack's brows rise. The light changes to green, and he's forced to release my hand to keep driving. "That makes sense."

"I mean, I'm just so happy, you know?" I say, wrapping my arms around my middle. "I feel so connected to the baby."

Something tugs in my chest, a thread catching and starting to unravel. "I can't imagine giving them up."

"We're privileged, Camilla."

"Right." My baby's going to have more money than they know what to do with. "Of course, I know there are plenty of reasons someone can't."

We are silent.

"I think about the possibilities a lot," I begin, and I realize I'm saying something I've never said aloud to anyone. "About how I came to be, you know? Is my father someone she loved? Or someone she didn't love? Or…worse?"

The possibilities of worse are…

Well, they're worse.

"I know I can't judge her when I'm having a baby with someone I love. Really love. So, it's an easy answer when it comes to what to do. But was she still connected to me? Did she hate me? Is that why I can't find her?"

"She didn't hate you."

"How do you know?"

Jack clamps his teeth over his lower lip. "I guess I don't."

I stare out ahead at the New York City traffic. "I'm going to be thinking about her a lot. Maybe more than I already do. That scares me."

Jack reaches out a hand and wraps it around the back of my neck. "You talk about it all you want, Camilla. I will always want to hear it."

I sink into his touch. "But this time is supposed to be happy. This is supposed to be like fluffy clouds and teddy bears and tiny shoes. Oh, my god, Jack."

I burst into tears.

"Baby girl…I know it's not easy, but–"

"No, no, the shoes!" I smash a hand over my eyes. "I'm crying about the shoes."

Jack laughs. "I'm sorry. I'm not laughing at you, I'm not."

"They're going to be so tiny," I say through tears. "And their feet! Their feet are going to be so tiny for the tiny shoes."

"Don't forget about the tiny toes."

I cry harder.

"Okay, I probably shouldn't have brought up the toes."

"No, you shouldn't have."

We both laugh, me through tears, until I'm able to swallow back the sudden onslaught of emotion.

"All right, so we're already at the point that you're crying over things being super tiny and cute," Jack says with a nod. "This is good information. Now I can be prepared."

"I'll do my best not to do that again."

"Baby girl, you're pregnant, I've definitely already considered the possibility that there's going to be a lot of side effects."

I smile at him. "I love you."

"I love you too, even when you cry about tiny things."

My tears well again.

Not going to cry about tiny things, not going to cry about tiny things.

We make it to the parking garage of Jack's penthouse. Once we're parked, neither of us makes a move to get out of the car. We sit in all the feelings. All the newness. All the changes.

"We're going to need to talk about moving you in with me. For now," he says. "I don't want you staying in your own place. I want to be close by, you know, in case you need anything."

I smile and cup my nonexistent belly. "Okay."

"And I'll get an agent so we can start looking at places. Houses. I don't want to live in an apartment building with our baby, even a penthouse," Jack says. "That is, if that's okay with you."

"I'd like that."

To be honest, I'm only hearing about half of what he's saying. I'm more taken with him. Watching how the cogs are turning and how he's sorting everything out that we need to get ready for our baby. How he wants our life to look.

It lights a fire in the deepest part of my belly.

"Good. Good ," he says. "We can go wherever you want. Anywhere. Although Park Slope is great for families. And if we're in Brooklyn, we'd be closer to the shop. That would probably be good for us. Then neither of us has to be far from the baby for too long."

My stomach swoops, and I'm…

I'm wet? Oh my god, his future talk and taking charge is turning me on.

"Do you want a nanny? I don't want to assume you do, but I also don't want to assume you don't. It would probably be good just to have extra hands."

I shrug. "I don't know yet."

"Right, right. We should probably see how all the nesting and stuff goes."

"You know about nesting?"

Jack half-laughs. "My dad was a pro at it when Sonia was pregnant. Plus, I couldn't sleep last night. I was googling and reading everything I could about pregnancy, and I may have ordered a library's worth of parenting books."

"God, you're so sexy."

He rolls his eyes.

Oh, he thinks I'm joking.

Jack leans against the headrest. "I just want to do it right. You know I want to do it right."

I run my fingers through his hair, and his eyelashes flutter like it turns him on. If only he knew what was going on inside me. "I know you do, Daddy."

"We're going to have to talk about how all that works too when I'm someone's actual Daddy."

"You are actually my Daddy," I reply with an air of "duh".

Jack smiles. "Of course, I am, baby girl."

Time slows as he reaches out to touch me. He places his hand against my stomach, spreads his fingers wide to touch as much of me as possible.

I'm throbbing. Need him. Want him.

Jack strokes his thumb against me.

"My baby girl's having a baby." His new catchphrase.

Images of the next seven months fly through my mind. Me growing, him worshipping me, taking care of me.

Dammit, now I'm really freaking horny. Is this a pregnancy thing? Now that I know, all the symptoms are slamming into me like a wall?

I put my hand over Jack's. "Did you read about all the side effects of pregnancy last night while you were googling? Aside from the obvious growing a baby thing."

"Of course, I did. I need to know how I'm going to take care of you."

"All the aches and pains?"

"Noted."

"The mood swings."

"Already experienced."

I laugh and place my hand over his. "Weird cravings."

"Modern media prepared me for that. And I am already prepared to run out of the house at one in the morning to go get you whatever ridiculous thing you need. Anything you need. Ever."

"What about the libido?"

Jack's brow quirks. "What about the libido?"

"Oh, you didn't read?" I take his hand and slide it down my front, inch by inch. "Some women experience an increase in sexual desire. Possibly insatiable. Cured only by one thing."

I settle his hand over the crotch of my pants and curl his fingers around me.

His jaw falls open. "Oh, my god, you're so…hot."

"And wet."

Jack's deep brown eyes, ones I hope our child has, meet mine. "And it's okay?"

"To what? Have sex?"

"Yeah, I don't want to do something to hurt–"

"I think sex is not only allowed but encouraged." I raise my hips into his hand, move my hips against him. That touch alone is an immense amount of relief, but not nearly enough. "And Daddy, don't you want to make sure I have everything I need?"

Daddy's pupils dilate, so wide I think I might be swallowed into a blackhole. "Upstairs. Now."

I ride him in his bed. Our bed. In our penthouse. At least for the foreseeable future.

"Use me, baby," Jack encourages as I work his dick inside me. "Mmm, whatever you need, use me."

"Thank you, Daddy," I say, gripping at his ribs.

I knew I needed to be filled by him, but I didn't know I needed it this bad. I swirl my hips over him, moaning at the way he presses into my walls.

"Fuck, you're so beautiful," he says, sliding his hand up to my breasts.

I make languid thrusts. No rush. No hurry. I want to stay here on his dick for a long, long time. "Will you still think I'm beautiful when I'm big, Daddy?"

"Oh, you know I will, princess," he says, straining his head back into the pillows, neck cording with tension. He lets his hands drift to my stomach. "I'm going to love watching you grow with my baby."

Flame coils inside me. Don't' know what it is, but my stomach is now an erogenous zone. I like being worshipped right there.

"You've always belonged to Daddy, but then everyone is going to know exactly who your Daddy is. All swollen with the baby I put in you."

I hum. The orgasm is building. I don't want to tumble down yet, but I can't help it. His words are strumming my insides in ways I never knew I would want or need. "I was made to carry your baby, Daddy."

"I know, you're already doing such a good job, princess."

I groan, dropping my head forward and increasing my pace.

His hardness presses at my deepest point. A squall of pleasure is close to taking me away.

"And your beautiful breasts are going to get bigger so you can take care of our baby. What could be more beautiful than that? You were made for this, baby girl. You were made to create life. Your body is so fucking amazing."

I can't stop now. I move my hips harder and faster.

Daddy's hands wrap hard around my ass, helping me get to where I need. His words are encouraging, but I can only hear the tone, can't make out what he's actually saying.

Higher and higher I climb, until I burst. And my voice bursts too, from an unfound primal place in my belly.

I cry out. It's unlike any orgasm I've ever experienced.

The orgasm lasts and lasts, shaking the depths of me, pulling at Jack until he has no choice but to release too. His body jumping under mine, head jerking back.

My body drinks him up like it still needs him to finish the job.

Jack pulls me off his dick, dragging me close enough that he can curl up and press kisses across my belly. Not a centimeter of it goes untouched by his love.

"Love you, love you, love you so much."

It's not for me. For our baby who can't even hear yet.

Who would have thought two accidents could turn their own accident into something beautiful?

The change starts now.