8. Carina

CHAPTER 8

Carina

T he musty smell of the subway curls my nostrils. My shoulder bumps into the man standing next to me as the train jerks to a halt.

"Sorry," I say as I look up at him.

He has dark hair and a strong jawline. For a second, I imagined him wearing an intricately decorated green mask.

Nope, not him.

He grunts, ignoring me.

It's been three weeks since I played Cinderella at the ball, and every man I see reminds me of my prince.

I join the flow of people as they trek out of the subway station and onto the street. The cold, wintry air bites my cheeks and makes my eyes water. I pull the zipper of my jacket up even though I know it can't go any higher.

Looking around quickly, I spot the street sign to get my bearings. After all these years of living in the city, you would think taking the subway would be second nature to me. It isn't. There are still plenty of times I end up going in the wrong direction.

As I start walking, my phone begins to ring.

"Hey," I say as I answer, knowing it's Odessa.

"I can hear the traffic. You're not there yet?" she asks.

"No, I have about a ten-minute walk ahead of me. Why?"

"You said you were going to be there an hour ago. I was hoping to talk to you."

"I ended up leaving late. Is something wrong?"

"No, nothing. It's just weird because I, uhh… never mind. It'll wait."

"You sure? What's going on, Odessa? It's not like you to be like this."

"I'm sorry, it's nothing. Um, you know me," she says, sounding light-hearted.

She forces a laugh, and I let it go. If she doesn't want to talk about something, I won't force her.

"How's Lydia doing?" Odessa asks.

"I'm sorry I haven't said much about her lately. I know how much you love her, too," I say. "I've just been preoccupied lately. As you know."

"Oh yes, I think everyone in your world knows about your masked mystery man."

"Sorry," I say. "Do I really talk about him that much?"

Odessa laughs. "Yes, but there's nothing wrong with that. I was just teasing you."

"Whew, okay. Good. And speaking of good, Grandma is good too. Actually, she's doing great. The doctors are impressed with her recovery. She's been at this rehab now for a few days, and I'm expecting the doctor to say she can come home any day now."

"Wow, that seems fast."

"It is, but that's how well she's doing. I mean, just three weeks ago, she had a heart attack followed by a stroke, and you'd never know it. We were lucky that the heart attack was mild."

"What did they say about the stroke?"

"Oh gosh, I haven't said much about her at all, have I?" I shake my head, feeling disappointed in myself. "Someone was smiling down on her that day because she had no side effects from it even though the MRI showed some brain damage. They say in time that area should even heal."

"That's amazing. I can't wait to see her."

"She asks about you all the time. I know you've been working extra hours, but whenever you have time, she'd love to see you."

"Maybe once she's back home. I hate going to those places, even the nice ones like where she's at now. I'm so glad you were able to get her new doctors and everything."

"You have no idea how grateful I am to the doctors," I say. "Grateful to Alex, too. Maybe even, especially him. If he didn't make the phone calls and get her seen by the specialists, I don't think she'd be alive right now."

My voice trembles as I remember how badly Grandma looked not even a month ago. I can clearly remember her tiny body in the hospital bed, looking so weak, surrounded by different machines. It didn't even look like her. I wouldn't have believed it was her if it weren't for her splash of bright red hair. I blink away the image and remind myself that she's okay.

"You're that grateful to him? Even with what you agreed to do?" She lets out a long breath. "It doesn't sound real. I mean, have you ever heard of anything like this? A billionaire making a deal with one person just to destroy someone else? Never mind," she says with a laugh. "Even as I say it, it makes sense. It's absolutely something a billionaire would do."

I laugh, but I'm still conflicted. I push the thoughts away as I reach the rehab facility Grandma has been staying at.

"I'm here; I'll call you later, okay?" I say.

"If it gets late and you want a ride home, just let me know, and I'll come get you."

"Okay, thanks, sis."

The building is four stories tall, with grey stone and large windows. A long carpet extends from inside the entryway, out to the sidewalk, and towards the street. A doorman stands near the entrance even though it has automatic doors.

Even though Grandma is okay, she still has moments of instability, so they won't let her take a shower to wash her hair. Unfortunately, her hair is suffering from neglect.

Her normally bright red hair has faded to an orangey pink. It looks thinner, too, less full of life than even a month before. Because she hasn't been able to wash her hair, I brought a special waterless shampoo.

The sun streams in through the window and onto her, making the day seem warmer outside than it is. Her eyes are closed, and her breathing is steady. The sun makes her dirty hair look greasier and thin, showing her scalp. I quietly set my bag down on a nearby table and sat on the cushioned chair next to her bed.

"You should announce yourself when you enter an old lady's room," she says as she opens her eyes. "Otherwise, you might give her a heart attack." Her eyes dance as she giggles.

"Sorry about that," I say. "I didn't want to wake the old lady." I smile, then kiss her cheek. "I found some stuff to wash your hair," I say.

I pull the box out of the bag, open it, and empty its contents onto the tray beside her. Inside is a bottle of the special shampoo and a thick shower cap. She excitedly holds her hands out for it, and I hand it to her as I read the instructions.

"Can I do this myself?" she asks.

I shake my head. "I think it'll be easier if I help you."

"You don't have to take care of me, Carina."

"Don't be so stubborn. Just let me help you."

"Fine." She sighs dramatically.

Following the instructions, I put the shower cap over her head and started massaging her scalp through the thick plastic. The shampoo began to foam. I moved my fingers around the bag and her scalp, carefully spreading the shampoo around her head and onto as much of her hair as possible. I rubbed more of the shampoo into some areas that looked greasier. Slowly, the shampoo's minty lavender scent enveloped the room.

Grandma inhales deeply. "Wow, that smells much better than I expected."

"I know, right?"

She smiles as I continue spreading the shampoo through her hair and scalp. I hear a soft sniffle and a tear rolls down her cheek when I glance at her face.

"Oh no! Did I pull your hair? Is it burning? Is something wrong?"

I stop massaging her scalp, pull my hands away, and grab the box again to look for interactions.

"Oh no, no, no, Carina. It's fine. It's great, actually. I'm reminded of when I used to wash your hair when you were little." She smiles wistfully. "It feels like it was just yesterday."

I remove the cap, carefully wiping off as much of the shampoo as possible from her hair. Then, I grab a towel and towel-dry her hair before combing it.

"Your hair looks so much better," I say.

I grab the mirror and face it towards her. She scrunches up her face and quickly waves the mirror away.

"There's something wrong with your mirror. All I see is an old woman."

She laughs, but then her smile fades away. As I turn to set the mirror down, she reaches for my hand. "I've been thinking a lot lately, Carina." She pauses, looking up and into my eyes. "I'm so sorry I wasn't a better mother to you. I tried my best, but I guess I didn't do a good job the first time around either."

It wasn't like Grandma to mention the past.

"What are you talking about? You always were and always will be the best mom I could have. Even though I call you grandma, you're the only mom and parent I've ever known."

"It's been difficult for you, though, and you missed out on a lot of things your classmates were able to do."

But I never wanted for anything," I say. "You always made sure that I had everything I needed. And you were always there for me. Whether I scraped my knee or needed someone to talk to, I always knew you were there."

"Yes, but look at you. You're beautiful and smart, and I'm so proud of you. But you deserve more, Carina." She sighs deeply and turns away from me before wiping a tear that spills down her cheek. "Listen to me, there's some things you should know in case…"

"No, don't say that. I don't even want to think about that."

"But you should know, sweetie. You should know. Come sit." She moves her legs over and pats her bed. "I don't know where to begin," she says. "I know these last few years have been difficult on you, with having to take care of me."

"Well, it wouldn't be so bad if you'd stop ending up in the hospital," I say, trying to lighten the mood.

She smiles and then raises her hand and waves me closer. I lean towards her, and her arms wrap around me. She pats my back and then rubs it just like she's done for as long as I can remember.

I step back as tears fill my eyes. I try to blink them back, but they fall. I can't help but think about this past month and taking the money from Alex. Everything had happened so fast that I never got to tell her why or how she got new doctors. What would she think of me if she knew? Would she be disappointed?

We didn't keep secrets from each other, though, and I had waited long enough. As I wipe away my tears, I take a deep breath to ready myself for whatever might happen.

"What's going on, Carina?" she asks.

"There's a lot I've left a lot out recently. There are some things that I haven't told you. But I didn't want to upset you, and I didn't want to lose that look you always get in on your face when you see me."

"Oh, stop, Carina, raising you was the best thing I ever did. There is absolutely nothing you could do that would make me look any differently at you than I do every single day."

"I know, but?—"

"There are no buts. Whatever is troubling you, you need to let it out. We need to talk about it. I don't like seeing you all worried like this."

I nod before sitting down on the edge of her bed. I take a deep breath and then tell her everything that happened with losing my job, meeting Alex, and our deal to go to that first ball.

"And this man Alex," she says., "Is there anything romantic between the two of you?"

"No! Oh, God, no. Don't get me wrong, he's a good-looking guy, but he's not my type. He's at least twenty years older than me, and he's kind of a dick." I stop and think about it for a moment. "But not always a dick. Sometimes, he's pretty cool."

Grandma laughs. "I've had some of my best love affairs with men who fit that description."

"Well, no. He's just a no. That's a no; it can't happen. No. Besides, there's more I need to tell you."

"More?"

"Yes. I didn't get to tell you about the man in the mask. I don't even know his name, I don't know anything about him, but he's all I can think of. We danced, and just being in his arms was amazing. And I don't know if it was being all dressed up like Cinderella at the ball, but he was like a dream come true, like Cinderella's prince. He's my prince. And I know how stupid that sounds because, like I said, I don't even know his name. I probably wouldn't even recognize him on the street. But I don't know, maybe somehow I would."

I stop and think about his eyes, looking into mine as if he could see and know all of me from just a touch.

"There's something about him," I say. "Something familiar. I can't explain it, but from the first moment I saw him, I felt like a jolt or a spark. As if something inside me finally woke up. And I know that doesn't make any sense because we've never met before, but something in that short time I spent with him made me feel like that's where I belong." I shake my head, and out of habit, I push a lock of my hair behind my ear.

"And that's it?" she asks. "How can you feel that way about someone and never see them again? Trust me, sweetie, I know you haven't had much experience, but that feeling that spark doesn't come from just anyone. You have to see him again."

"Well, I thought I wasn't going to, but now that's where the trouble is. I made a new deal with Alex. It was the day you had a heart attack. It's how you got all those great doctors and the help you've been getting recently."

"So there's more? Another deal?"

I nodded. "Alex is going to send me to the ball again. He wants me to start a relationship with this man."

"Well, that sounds great. It sounds like that's what you want, to get to know him better. So what's the catch?"

"He wants me to start a relationship with the masked man, and in exchange, he'll cover all your expenses. Your medical, housing, everything for the rest of your life. For me, he'll cover my expenses for the next six months as well, so I don't need to worry about finding a job right away."

"Okay, so you'll be able to see your prince again and not have to worry about things for a while."

I nod but can't bring myself to tell her the rest. Her eyes narrow in on me, and she tilts her head as she always does whenever she's trying to read my mind.

"What's the catch, Carina? You're leaving something out."

"Alex won't tell me why, and I don't feel good about this, especially after how strongly I feel about this man, my prince. But Alex wants me to start a relationship with him and then end it in six months. The relationship is supposed to last until summer, and then Alex wants me to break his heart."

Grandma tilts her head to the side as she frowns.

"Oh, my poor girl. Now I know why you look so miserable. You've been carrying all that weight on your shoulders."

"I needed to do something to take care of you. I didn't have much choice. Even if I got another job, I wouldn't have enough money to pay for all your hospital bills, the doctors' bills, and everything else. I don't want to do this. I've barely had any relationships or boyfriends to begin with. And now I need to go into a relationship knowing that I'm going to end it."

Grandma's eyes shine as they meet mine. I can see the worry behind them and wonder if I should've kept everything to myself. She has enough going on. She doesn't need my stuff on top of her needing to get better. I sigh and wonder how things would've been different if I had a mother around. If I had a mom to confide in, to be there for me, and to give me advice. Grandma never steered me wrong, but a mom is different.

I envy all the TV shows and movies with close mother-daughter relationships. While I love my grandmother and think of her as a mom, my mother is always in the back of my mind. Maybe things would've been easier. If I had a real mom, maybe I could've been a kid more instead of always worrying about my grandmother.

These thoughts always weighed on me because while I wouldn't change anything between Grandma and me, I couldn't help but miss the relationship I never had with my mom.

Grandma places her chilly hand over mine and looks deep into my eyes.

"I need you to listen, Carina," she says. "If I can give you a little advice, it's that you need to protect your heart. Protect yourself. Alex told you to have a relationship with the masked man, but he didn't say you need to lose yourself in it. Alex must know something to think that this guy will fall for you so easily. So he must know him pretty well. Just protect yourself. I know how you feel about him from that night but listen to this old lady. Build a wall around your heart so that when you end things with him, his is the only broken heart."