22. Carina

CHAPTER 22

Carina

W ith Grandma at the hospital overnight for observation, I decided to invite Ryan over for dinner.

This is going to be the night. I'm tired of pushing it off and worrying about what's right or what's wrong. And I'm tired of making myself feel guilty for wanting to have sex. This has nothing to do with what I'm doing for Alex. This is only about two people in a relationship.

I try to make the place look romantic with lit candles and twinkle lights, and I even start the fireplace since it's a chilly spring night.

Instead of my usual pants, I wear a dress and tell Ryan to dress up as well.

I race to the knock at the door and open it up to see Ryan in a perfectly tailored suit. My mind wonders why a plumber would own something like that, but I close my eyes and push the thought out of my head.

Nothing is going to ruin tonight.

While my eyes are closed, Ryan kisses me. His firm lips part my mouth as his tongue moves along mine. I grab onto him, not wanting him to stop, when he suddenly pulls away.

"I'm sorry. I tried. I can't help myself anymore."

He picks me up and carries me the short distance from the entryway into the living room. He leans down and blows out the candles on the cocktail table before kicking it out of the way and laying me on top of the plush rug in front of the fireplace.

Frantically, we paw at each other's clothing. Because I fumble with his shirt buttons, he yanks his shirt open and takes it off. I almost forgot what an incredible body he has. His chest is muscular and strong, and when I unzip his pants, I see he has those hip bones that are so sexy on men.

He unfastens the dress at the back of my neck while kissing me hungrily, then unzips the rest and lifts it off, tossing it like a rag. Before I know it, we are completely naked in the glow of the fireplace, me on my back and him supporting himself over me as we kiss.

His lips move with mine as his firm hand slides down my soft, naked body. I sigh happily as I marvel at how good his touch feels and how his demanding lips seem so in control. My body reacts to every touch of his fingers, and the slower he moves, the louder the throbbing between my legs becomes.

I need to have him. I don't know how much longer I can take it. Having him so close, his lips against mine, his body pressing against me, I obsess over what I want next.

As he lays down beside me, I feel his powerful back underneath my fingertips, then slide my hand to his chest and over every nook of his hard abs as I move closer to my goal. His lips leave mine and travel down my neck, and I lose control.

It's not like me to be pushy or aggressive, but I want him so badly. I know if he doesn't want me to, he won't let me do it, so I push him onto his back.

Seeing him lying there next to me gets me even more excited. I kiss his shoulder as my hand travels down his body to his stiff member. His hands cup my heavy breasts as his thumbs move in circles over my erect nipples, making them ache.

He lifts me towards him as if I weigh nothing. I straddled his body and let one hand feel his hard chest while my other hand moves slowly up and down his shaft. Lifting himself a bit, his mouth covers my nipple as he sucks hard. His hand pinches my other nipple, and I know I've had enough. I want more. I lift my hips and position his member at my wet entrance.

Moving his hands to my hips, he guides my hips slowly, gently down onto him. I gasp softly as I feel his thick cock slide inside me. I lean forward, supporting my weight with my hands on his chest, and rock my hips.

Our eyes lock as he thrusts his hips from underneath. My breathing comes faster. Each time I move my hips, I feel my body flush with heat and then cool. Shivers shoot up my neck. I swear electricity runs through my veins.

Any doubts I have about him fly out the window. I feel even closer to him now than I ever have before. I'm lost now. There's no hope that I won't get hurt.

He reaches up and grabs my hair, pulling me down to him, locking his lips with mine. I stroke his cheek with my fingers as we kiss, and then he moves his lips to my neck.

Sitting up, he crosses his legs as he repositions me like a rag doll with my legs wrapped around his waist. His strength intoxicates me. My breasts rub against his chest as he lifts my hips slowly. The slow rise and fall of my body sent jolts of energy through my body as the pressure inside of me grows.

I shift myself so my knees touch the floor again and move my hips faster. His breaths shorten. Between the heat of our bodies and the fireplace, a soft sheen of sweat develops between us. Our thrusts quicken, and our panting becomes louder.

I let out a moan as I feel a chill go up my spine, and I know I'm going to come. He presses me tight against him as the intense feeling inside me explodes. I clutch him as the waves shake my body, feeling out of control as I tremble in his arms.

As I cry out in ecstasy, he groans before releasing himself inside of me. I feel his warmth pulse into me as I collapse, exhausted but happy. We slide back down onto the rug, still in each other's arms, as we try to catch our breaths.

As we lay there panting, the fire is beginning to die. He kisses my forehead and lips before taking my hand and leading me to bed. Outside, the sky is beginning to lighten. Sunrise is approaching.

The sun streaming through the blinds wakes me. I roll to my side and find Ryan still asleep. Guilt consumes me.

I turn away from him, bringing my hands up to my head. I can't believe what I did. No matter how much I tried to think of it as just a job, it wasn't. It never was. I knew from the moment that I met him that we were meant to be together.

When I thought about it, that was probably one of the big reasons I agreed to the job. It wasn't just to take care of my grandmother; it was because I desperately needed to see him again. I hid that desperation from everyone, even myself. But those moments, the first time we met at the ball all those months ago, meant everything to me.

I rise quietly from the bed. As I walk past the dresser, I grab the hair comb he bought for me. I love it with all my heart. I love that he noticed me looking at it. I love that he thought of surprising me with it. As much as I wanted to keep fighting it, I love him.

But I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have had sex with him. No matter how much I wanted to. It makes things more real. It makes my feelings even more intense. And if he cares for me even half as much as I care for him, then what I need to do is that much more horrible.

I can't take my eyes off him. The way the sun streams in onto his skin, even just seeing him in my bed, it's so surreal.

I was never one to daydream about meeting someone. Even Grandma had gotten on my case plenty of times over the years about not dating. It just wasn't a priority to me. Now I knew I had been waiting for him.

I enter the bathroom and quietly close the door behind me. As I lean against the wall, I start to think, as I have done so many times in the past six months, about how I could get out of this without hurting him.

Could Alex be that cruel? Would he hold me to my bargain? Why is he doing this anyway?

I had spent the past six months trying to force myself to push Ryan away. Hoping that he would move on and not fall for me as I had fallen for him.

Maybe the gift was just a comb. Maybe he was just one of those men who would do anything to get me into bed. I really didn't know him. At least not as well as I hoped. Was it my fault? Or was that his?

I thought about our relationship over the past six months. I thought about how I had never seen where he lived or worked or even met any of his friends. How much did I really know Ryan?

Maybe I would step out of this bathroom and find him gone. Maybe all that would be left of us would be this hair comb and my memories. At least if that happened, Alex couldn't be mad at me. I held up my part of the deal.

But what if? What if Ryan was sincere? What if he really did care about me?

I pull up my long hair and use the comb to fasten it in place. I don't know how he feels or what he thinks. I only know my own feelings for him. And I know that after last night, I need to end it. No matter what happens with Alex and what I owe him, I need to do the right thing with Ryan and end it because I didn't go into our relationship with good intentions.

As much as I want to convince myself that Ryan only wanted me for one thing, I know that isn't true. I know there's more to him, and I know what we shared last night is special.

I hear movement in the next room, so I open the bathroom door and step out. He sits up. His eyes briefly take in my body before settling on my eyes. A smile spreads across his face.

"Good morning, beautiful," he says. "Come back to bed. I'm not ready for the day to start yet."

My doubts swim in my head. Is he for real? Does he really care? I can't know for sure. But a big part of me hopes that he's just playing me. Because I can handle my being hurt, but I don't want to hurt him.

"You know, Carina. There's something I've been wanting to tell you for a while now. And I don't know why, but I've been afraid to. There's so much I want to share with you about me that I don't know where to begin. But these past five months have been amazing. And even though I've never said this before to anyone, I know now that there is a reason for that."

I can't breathe. I'm hearing his words, and without him saying the most important ones, I know what he's trying to say. It's as if he has been reading my mind all along. I can't let this go on any further.

"Stop," I say. I put my hands up, wanting to touch him, but I can't. That would only make things worse. Tears begin to well up in my eyes, and my breath catches in my throat. I turn away from him. I swallow hard. "I can't."

The words won't come, they're stuck in my throat. I open my mouth to say more, but nothing comes out. I take a deep breath to steady myself. I reach into my hair and pull out the hair comb. Without looking at it, with my eyes turned away from him I push the comb towards him.

He sits up further in bed. He takes the comb from my hands and shakes his head.

"What are you saying?" he asks. "Are you breaking up with me?"

I still can't speak, but I know I did the right thing. I quickly get dressed.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I didn't want things to be like this. I I I just can't. I love you too much to hurt you more than I already have."

I run out of the room, into the hallway, then into the kitchen. My grandmother's coffee mug sits in the sink. And I realize I have no place to go. This is my apartment.

Like a gust of wind, Ryan stormed out of my bedroom and, without looking at me, headed out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

What did I just do?

Numbness overwhelms me. I walk back to my bedroom and notice he left the hair comb on my dresser on top of a note.

What I was trying to say is that I love you. Nothing will ever change that.

The tears take over and spill freely down my cheeks as the ache spreads through my chest. I realize why it's called heartbreak. The ache twists into pain as my heart feels as if it's splitting into pieces.

I slip the hair comb into my pocket and decide, like pulling a Band-Aid off quickly, I need to get to Alex's and tell him I did my part of the bargain.

I walk into Alex's home and call out from the foyer.

"I did it! I hope you're happy!"

A sob escapes my lips as he enters the foyer. His face looks devastated to see me like this.

"I'm sorry," he says. "I never wanted you to get hurt."

"Why are you such an asshole?"

He tries to console me by putting his arms around me, but I push him away. He persists, and I cry into his chest as his arms wrap around me before I push him away again and then run to the nearby powder room.

The doorbell rings.

I pull the hair comb out, the only thing I'll really have to remember Ryan by, and I twist up my hair and put the comb in.

The doorbell rings again, and I yell into the foyer.

"Reggie!"

"Alex!"

"Anyone?"

"Why isn't anyone answering the door?"

The doorbell rings again.

Frustrated, I wipe my tears and decide to answer it. I storm over to the door and yank it open. Ryan is standing on the other side.

"What is this place?" he asks.

My stomach drops, and I can't breathe. How can things get even worse?

"Why are you here?" I ask, unable to answer.

"I got a text saying to come to this address. That you would be here. Who lives here?"

"I do," Alex says as he steps into the foyer.

Ryan looks at Alex and then back at me. His face contorts as he becomes enraged.

"No! It's not what you think," I say.

"Of all people!" Ryan says as he points at Alex. Then he turns to me. "How do you know my brother?"

"Your brother?!" I say, turning to look at Alex. "But how?"

Ryan storms out the door and towards his car. In the distance my mother sits with her feet dangling on a limestone gate. A satisfied smile spreads across her face.

Ryan takes one look at her, then at Alex, then turns to me.

"I don't know what's going on, but I know how I feel about you. I know who you are, and you should know who I am. I haven't been honest with you, and I intend to make up for that," he says. "But everything I've ever said about you and how I feel for you is true. I love you."

"I love you too," I say.

He holds his hand out to me.

"Let's get out of here," he says.

I take his hand, and as I get into the car, I notice Alex standing in the doorway. His feet are cemented in place, and his hands are deep in his pockets.

Guilt consumes me for how I've hurt not just Ryan but Alex, too. I can feel it eating away at me, devouring me as thoughts swirl in my head. Maybe my mother was right. Maybe I don't have a choice but to be exactly like her.

My mother knocks on the car window, talking, but I can't focus on her. I won't. My eyes are glued to Alex's. Not only can I feel his pain, but I'm still aching from my own.

As Ryan begins to drive, Alex mouths the three words he's said to me before, the ones Ryan had such a hard time saying, and I gasp as the weight of reality shoots through my chest.

I broke the wrong man's heart.