14. Carina

CHAPTER 14

Carina

T he week flew by. Alex kept calling to ask me if I had a decision about moving in, but I still didn't know what to do. I decided to keep pushing off the decision until I had no other choice.

Moving in with Alex feels like giving up as if I'm admitting that I can't support myself. And I know that right now, I can't, but I have to keep believing that things will get better.

Between visiting my grandmother at the hospital and checking my phone to see why Ryan hasn't called me, I've been calling restaurants to see if they need any help. Magically, no one is hiring.

Grandma sips the baked potato soup I brought her from John's. She has her makeup on, and one of her housecoats from home is buttoned up to her chin. On her head is her favorite turban because it looks like the one Shirley MacLaine wore in Postcards from the Edge. I think about the complicated relationship between the mother and daughter in that movie and sigh, letting out a long hiss.

"What is it, sweetheart? You've been doing that a lot lately. Do you have a leak?"

"Of course not, Grandma. I just have a lot on my mind."

"Then get some of it off your mind by sharing it with me."

I sigh again, and she tilts her head towards me with a raised eyebrow.

"Okay, okay," I say. "So first of all, Odessa said a woman has been coming to the restaurant asking about me, saying she's my mom."

"Oh," she says, looking down.

"So it's true? She's alive?"

"Yes, she is. You were little when you decided that your parents died in that car accident. It seemed to help you, so I didn't correct you."

I shake my head. "Have you been in touch with her? Is that how she knows where I worked?"

"Yes, she called recently. She somehow heard I had a heart attack, and she tracked me down. Carina, you have to believe me that I wanted to tell you the truth. I even tried to recently after she reached out, but I couldn't."

"Why not?"

"Because your mother isn't someone you need in your life. And I say that as her mother."

"So what happened that night? The night of the accident," I ask.

Grandma sighs. "So first of all, that wasn't your father she was with. She was never really sure who your father was. She met Eddie when you were around two years old and moved him in with us."

"So Eddie isn't my dad's name?"

"No. Not as far as we know." She took another bite of her soup before continuing. "Your mom, Sarah, and Eddie hadn't been home in weeks. It was something that was happening more and more often. She was never connected to you, so even when she was there, I was the one who took care of you. This time, they were gone longer than usual, but if I'm being honest, I was hoping they wouldn't come back. I thought it would be better for you and me if it was just the two of us."

I nod. "Go on."

"The police called me because they had an accident and were rushed to the hospital. They hit another car. That car… the passengers…" Her eyes well up with tears. "The accident killed them. Sarah and Eddie were fine. Not a scratch on them." She shakes her head and wipes at a tear. "They were both sentenced to do time, and I told Sarah not to come back until she straightened herself out and could be a mom to you."

For a moment, I'm hopeful that that's why Mom has returned.

"Do you think that's why she's back?" I ask. "So she can finally be a mom to me?"

"You're an adult, dear. You don't need a mom. She missed all of that. Why is she here now? I suspect she thinks she can get something out of us. She's a narcissist, Carina. And she's a con artist. She'll do anything to get what she wants. You'll see her soon enough, and she will seem great. She'll say all the right things, but trust me. Once she gets what she wants, she'll be out of your life."

"Maybe she's changed, Grandma. We should give her a chance."

"No, Carina. People don't change. A leopard doesn't change its spots. She is who she is, and I'm sad that I messed up enough to create that. Remember when I said you need to protect yourself? Do that. Especially when it comes to her."

I look down at my feet, disappointment filling me. I always glorified the mother-daughter relationship. I always dreamed of what it would've been like to have my mom around. I'd imagine the cookies we'd bake, watching movies together, her teaching me how to do my makeup, and wiping my tears from my first heartache.

I look at the woman resting in bed, sipping her soup, and smile. She did all of those things with me, and because of that, I need to trust her judgment and believe her.

"Okay, Grandma. I promise I'll protect myself."

"Good," she says, with a quick flash of a smile. "Now tell me about that man of yours, the masked one, not the one you spend all your time with."

"I don't spend all my time with Alex. And he is paying for all of this, you know. You could be a little nicer to him."

"Odessa told me he's a hottie. Have him visit, and I'll be extra nice to him. You know I love seeing a good-looking man."

"Maybe it's best if you don't get any visitors." I laugh.

"So tell me what's going on with Ryan."

"Well, I thought Ryan and I hit it off those two nights we met at the ball, but he hasn't called me yet."

"Are you saying this because it's your job to make him fall in love with you or because you actually want him to call?"

"Can you forget for a minute that I agreed to do this? I told you how much I like him. I feel like there's something between us, something really good. Something…" I shake my head. "I just can't explain it, but I feel a spark whenever I see him. A good spark."

Grandma sighs.

"So now you have a leak?" I say as I move the tray holding the empty soup bowl away from her.

"You get that smart mouth from me." She smirks. "How you're not like me is what I suppose I gave to your mother. You're sweet, Carina. You're honest and genuine. You're not made to do things like this."

"Are you saying my mother is?"

"Yes. No." She sighs again. "I don't know. I'm not sure I ever really knew her. I gave birth to her, and she went on her own path."

"What about when I was born?"

She smiles wistfully. "I hadn't heard from her in years, since she graduated high school, and then she showed up at the apartment with her little pregnant belly. I thought things had changed, and maybe they had, but she hadn't. A couple of months after you were born, she started disappearing again. I never knew where she went or if she'd come back home. Then, one day, she brought home Eddie like some people bring in stray cats."

"I used to wish she'd show up for my birthday. I know I thought she was dead, but I thought maybe she'd magically show up and want to stay."

"I offered her to stay after she was released from prison, but I told her she needed to change. She couldn't. Or she wouldn't. She only cares about herself. You're nothing like her. You sometimes care a little too much."

I nod. "I know, and I know doing this for Alex isn't like me. I needed help, though." I look around the room and then back at her. "All of this is because of him. You're better because of him."

She places her hand over mine. "I'm better because of you, Carina. Yes, he helped, but only because he needs you. Remember that. Now, about Ryan, you said he took his mask off, and you exchanged names. Did you give him your number?"

"Ye—," I interrupt myself as I think back to that night. Did I? Was I waiting for a call or text from someone who had no way of reaching me? "Shit."

"Well, he has your name. If he really wants to, he'll find you somehow. Back in my day, we had the phone book, the White Pages. There has to be something like that now." She points to the newspaper behind me. "Can you hand me that?"

I pick it up and laugh at seeing the local gossip rag that wishes it were a real newspaper. "I can't believe you read this crap."

"It's entertaining, and it's still the news."

She opens the newspaper and begins flipping through the pages, looking at the pictures and headlines. Something catches her eye, and she stops. Then, she quickly crumbles the paper up and tosses it into the trash can.

"No good gossip?" I ask.

"What? Yes, I mean no," she says, sounding a bit flustered. "That was last week's paper. I read it already." She stares toward the garbage, then finally looks back at me. "Carina, whatever happens, promise me you'll protect yourself. Sometimes people aren't always what they seem. I don't want you to get hurt."

I take the subway back to the apartment, enjoying the warmth of the steam as I climb the steps to reach the above-ground world. I blink back at the sunlight, then pull the zipper of my jacket up even though it's already as high as it goes. I shove my hands deep into my pockets and breathe out of my mouth to watch the steam escape my lips.

As I approach the apartment building where Grandma and I live, I see two unfamiliar people, a man and a woman, standing on the front stoop and talking to each other. The man is facing the direction I'm coming from, and the woman has her back to me. He's tall, with dark hair, and wearing a long wool coat. He suddenly smiles, and I realize it's Ryan.

My heart somersaults in my chest, and I stop dead in my tracks. What am I wearing? What does my hair look like? I pull out my phone, turn on the selfie camera, and smile, remembering the everything bagel I ate at the hospital. I'll die if I smile at him, and my teeth are full of poppy seeds.

I look down at my leggings and try to smooth out my wild curls. Everything is so different than when I've seen Ryan before. I've gone from princess to pauper.

"There she is." I hear my prince say in the distance before coming down the stairs.

The woman turns towards me, and even though she's a stranger, I know exactly who she is. She looks just like Grandma did when I was a kid. She looks like me, but her blonde hair is shorter, cut just below her chin. It's my mother.

I'm still about a hundred feet away. I still haven't moved from where I stopped walking. Ryan reaches me while my mother watches us from the stoop. He stands in front of me with a big smile that lights up his face.

"This is the first time I'm seeing you in normal clothes," he says. "You're even more beautiful than the other night."

All the tension and stress I was feeling vanishes as I stare into his green eyes. In my head, I thank him, but my mouth has decided it's not going to listen to my brain. I think about why, and it registers that I'm smiling, and I don't even realize it.

"You must be freezing," he says. "Let's get you inside."

He wraps his arm around my shoulders, and his warmth radiates to me. I want to melt with happiness at seeing that he found me, but I keep my grandmother's words in mind.

Sometimes people aren't always what they seem.

As we reach the front of the apartment building, my mother walks over, kisses my cheek, and wraps her arms around me tightly, pinning them down.

It puts me on the defensive. It feels fake. Why is she acting like this? Why is she here?

"There's my beautiful daughter," she says as she looks at me up and down. "I've been waiting out here for you with this handsome man. I didn't know you have a boyfriend."

I step back from her and pull my keys out of my pocket. I still haven't said anything, and I have no intention to just yet. She's acting too familiar, too much like a typical mom would act, not one who gave up her daughter when she was only a few years old. Something is going on with her. I can feel it. Something isn't right.

They follow me into the apartment, and my mother immediately takes her coat off and throws it over the back of the couch as if it's something she does all the time.

"This place hasn't changed one bit," she says.

As she walks down the hall and towards the bedrooms, I can feel my rage stirring in my stomach. Who does she think she is coming in here like that? Like she lives here. This isn't her home.

She comes back into the living room and crosses her arms over her chest. "Where's Mom? She didn't answer when I came here after the restaurant either. I thought she was just avoiding me, but I guess not."

"She's in the hospital," I say. Something in me says she's putting on an act that she knows more than what she's letting on. I let it go, curious to see how far things go.

"Hospital? Is everything alright?" she asks.

"She's fine now, but it's been a tough couple of months."

"Months? And you didn't tell me?" She turns to Ryan. "Remember that years from now when you have children, and she's crying because they never call. Remember that she didn't call her own mother."

"Call you? I didn't even know you're still alive."

She laughs. "Oh, you're always so dramatic."

I can feel the heat spreading over my cheeks. The poppy seeds in my teeth would've been better than dealing with this person in front of Ryan.

She looks at her watch, then lifts her face to look at me. "Should still be visiting hours. Is she here at Holy Cross?"

"No, she needed more care than they could give her. She was transferred to York Medical Center about a month ago." Purposefully leaving out the rehab she's now at.

"York? Pricey. Maybe you should share the wealth, Carina."

Huh?

I ignore her and turn to Ryan.

"I'm sorry about all of this; please, sit, relax, and make yourself at home."

"No, I should be going. It sounds like you really need to catch up with your mom," he says, his brow furrowed.

"Oh no, you stay," Mom says. "I'm going to visit my mother now while visiting hours are still going. I'll be back later tonight. We'll have plenty of time together, right, Carina? Ready for some mother-daughter bonding?"

No.

Before I can answer, she's out the door. I walk over to the window and watch her go down the front steps, making sure she's really gone.

"I'm sorry for just showing up at your door," Ryan says. "I got your address and wanted to see you. She was here when I pulled up. She seems nice. She mentioned it had been a while since she last saw you."

"A while? How about twenty-two years? I thought she was dead until recently." I enter the kitchen, grab two bottles of water, and bring them back into the living room. Ryan is looking at the wall of family photos. I give him a bottle, and then open mine and take a long drink, wishing it was something stronger even though I don't drink. "I realized today that I never gave you my phone number or anything personal. How did you find me?"

"By stalking you," he says.

I was mid-gulp with a bottle of water. My eyes widen, and I cover my mouth out of fear that I'm going to shoot the water out of everywhere.

It doesn't help that I can tell Ryan misunderstands my reaction. I put the water bottle down, and Ryan steels himself for what he thinks is coming.

Calming myself, I take a deep breath, then swallow with a loud gulp and start laughing.

"Oh my goodness, water almost came out my nose," I say as I cover my nose and mouth with my hand.

"You really are perfect," he says as he smiles.

I grin at him, not knowing what to say. Thank you? I know? So are you?

"So, really? Twenty-three years?" he asks. "She was acting like she sees you all the time."

I shrug. "I would love to be able to explain that to you, but I really don't know her. And if I'm being honest, I don't want to talk about her right now. All of that was a bit much for me. Like I said, until a few days ago, I thought she was dead."

"I'm sorry. This must be really emotional for you, then."

"I guess. Like I said, I'd rather not talk about it. Why don't you tell me more about you?"

"Okay, what do you want to know?"

I take another sip of water as I think about what to ask him.

"Well, you know where I live, where do you live? Close by?"

"I'm uptown, by the park," he says, then his eyes quickly shift away.

"Huh, isn't it expensive there?" I think for a moment, and Grandma's words play through my head again.

Sometimes people aren't always what they seem.

"You must be a really good plumber," I say. "I mean, you drive a Maserati. Those aren't cheap."

"I was just joking about uptown," he says. "I don't live far from here. Up… up by the diner we went to the other night. And the car is just a lease. Got a good deal on it."

I get the feeling he's lying to me, but I let it slide. After dealing with my mother, I'm feeling sensitive and touchy. It's probably just that. But that also means I might say something I don't want to say to him. I already like him too much. I don't want to blow it.

And just as I think that I remember I need to treat my relationship with him like a job. I fold my arms in front of me, realizing I want to be alone.

"Actually, you're right," I say. "This really was quite a bit seeing my mother."

He leans over and kisses my cheek, then stands up.

"I can imagine. I'm glad I got to see you, though."

"Me too, that was a nice surprise," I say.

After he leaves, I replay what happened with my mother. I walk down the hall like she did and into the bedrooms. My instinct tells me to make sure Grandma's jewelry is still there, and when I check, everything looks the same.

Why did she act like that? I can't wrap my head around her behavior.

I check the time. It's been an hour since she left for the wrong hospital. But maybe she knows where Grandma is. I wonder if she's going to come back like she said for that mother-daughter time and decide I'll wait and see.

Maybe she was trying to act like what she thought a mother would act when meeting a boyfriend. I'm not sure I would call Ryan my boyfriend yet, but it's a nice thought.

Maybe she didn't want him to know how long it had been since she last saw me. Maybe she didn't want him to know about all the drama in our family.

I need to stop. I'm giving her an out. I'm making excuses for her.

I look at the clock again, wondering if she's coming back, but deep down inside, I know she's not. Not tonight, at least. If Grandma is right, then I'll find out soon enough what my mother really wants. I'm not looking forward to that.