9. Stephanie

9

STEPHANIE

I wandered the ranch, thinking of my passionate encounter with Ashlyn. I couldn't help but revel in the euphoria that enveloped me. It was a blissful haze that clouded my thoughts and filled me with a sense of contentment. With each step, I felt the warmth of the sun on my skin and the gentle breeze caressing my face, as if in silent celebration of the newfound joy that had entered my life. My body hummed with the lingering echoes of our pleasure, a reminder of the intoxicating connection I had shared with Ashlyn.

Our connection had awakened something deep within me, something primal and undeniable that I certainly hadn't felt for many years- if, in fact, ever.

As I walked, lost in the happy haze of my thoughts, I couldn't help but reflect on my past dating life, which had been marked by solitude and introspection. Throughout school and college, I had always been a loner, content to lose myself in my studies and the quiet solitude of my own thoughts. I had never been one to seek out companionship, preferring instead to forge my path and chart my course in life.

It wasn't until I was twenty-one that I had my first dalliance with a woman—an older, married professor, Deborah Vanstone, who taught me many things, both in and out of the classroom. She was striking- beautiful, feminine, dominant; she was harsh and demanding of me. And I had liked it. Most of it. Our affair had been fleeting, a brief moment of passion in an otherwise ordinary existence. As quickly as it had begun, my affair with Deborah had come to an end when I joined the army, leaving behind the confines of academia for the rigors of military life.

And though I had tried to bury the memories of my time with Deborah, they had always lingered in the recesses of my mind.

While in the army, surrounded by the camaraderie of my fellow soldiers and the surge of adrenaline that came with each mission, I had often found myself the object of attention from men. It was a common occurrence. A natural consequence of the male-dominated environment we operated in.

At times, I had entertained the thought of succumbing to the allure of physical intimacy with a man—of satisfying my own needs and desires in the heat of the moment.

But then there had been Jon, a kind and gentle soul who had approached me one evening, his eyes filled with longing and desire, the scent of his sweat and testosterone unmistakably masculine and it did nothing but repulse me. In that fleeting moment, as his lips met mine in a hesitant kiss, I had known with absolute certainty that I could never find satisfaction in the arms of a man.

It wasn't that Jon wasn't attractive or desirable. He was, in his own way. But as our lips touched and his hands roamed over my body, I felt a profound emptiness. A sense of disconnect that left me feeling hollow and unfulfilled.

In that moment, I realized that my body simply wasn't programmed to respond to the touch of a man, no matter how well-intentioned or caring he might be. And though I had tried to bury the memory of that kiss, it was always somehow still there, a silent reminder of the truth that lay at the core of my being.

From that day forward, I had embraced my truth wholeheartedly, accepting myself for who I was and refusing to compromise my own desires for the sake of societal expectations.

Then there was Lieutenant Sophia Clark—a force of nature, a woman unlike any I had ever encountered before.

Strong, fit, and fiercely independent, she exuded an aura of confidence and defiance that captured my attention from the moment our paths crossed in my earlier army days.

From the start, Sophia had dominated my thoughts, her presence looming large in my mind like a beacon in the darkness. I found myself longing for her, yearning to be near her. Wanting to bask in the warmth of her gaze and the strength of her touch.

Every interaction with Sophia had been like a jolt of electricity coursing through my veins, igniting a fire within me that burned with a fierce intensity. I found myself drawn to her, irresistibly caught in the magnetic pull of her presence. Unable to resist her gravitational force.

I would find excuses to spend time with Sophia, seeking out any opportunity to feel the warmth of her smile and the feeling of her fingers inside me. Though I knew that our connection was forbidden, because the army was in the dark ages of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, so our moments were stolen and secret.

Then there was the moment that changed everything.

Although we had never spoken about taking things further, beyond our secret meetings and hidden nights together, I had always just assumed we would. But a few nights before we left the middle east to fly home to the US and we both had two months off coming up, she sat down with me alone in our sleeping quarters.

"Steph, there's something I need to tell you." Her brown eyes were shifty and her full lips that I had enjoyed so much pleasure from kissing were finally spilling out the truth she had been hiding from me. She held my hand in hers and rubbed it with her thumb. "I'm married. His name is Martin. We have been together 4 years. We got married earlier this year. He is army too. He is based up north. I'm going to be spending the next two months with him and then we've asked for our next posting to be together. We will get a house together. Build a home. Have kids."

A home with him? A home? With Martin? Have kids? My head was reeling. We had been seeing each other for 3 years. Sure, she always disappeared on me when she had time off, but she told me she was visiting her family. We had been on multiple tours together. I wanted her to want a home and kids with me. That was what I wanted with her.

I ripped my hand away from her.

This woman who had loved me so passionately, who had cared for me so deeply when things got scary, didn't really love me. She loved a man.

Or, maybe she didn't love him like that. Maybe her desire for women sexually was as genuine as my own. Either way, she didn't love me. Not really. Because when you love someone you don't keep secrets from them. Especially not a secret life. A secret husband. A secret future that certainly didn't involve me.

When the truth finally sank in, a wave of conflicting emotions washed over me—anger, betrayal, and heartbreak, along with a profound sense of disillusionment. I felt like the ground had been

ripped out from under my feet, leaving me adrift in a sea of uncertainty and pain.

I couldn't help but feel betrayed, not just by Sophia, but by myself as well. How had I allowed myself to become entangled in an affair with a married woman? How had I failed to see the signs, to heed the warnings that had been there all along?

"We could, you know, still see each other on occasion- take a holiday together once in a while, be alone together." She picked my hand up again and my blood felt like ice in my veins. She was still happy to use me to satisfy her desires, clearly. But, I would never be her priority and that wasn't enough for me.

Amid the storm of emotions raging inside me, there was also a sense of clarity—a realization that I needed to extricate myself from this situation. To distance myself from Sophia and the turmoil she had brought into my life. With a heavy heart and a resolve born of necessity, I made the difficult decision to end the affair before she left, to sever ties with Sophia and reclaim control over my own life.

"I can't," I whispered. And I could barely look at her as I said it. It hurt, too much. Everything about this was just too painful. I took my hand back for the second time. And I wished I didn't desperately want her to reach out for me for a third time.

She didn't.

The following day felt hollow and I was going through the motions. Sophia went out on patrol as she always did. I stayed back on base and treated the soldiers we had in our medical ward. I felt numb. I felt tears beading in my eyes regularly and I would escape to the bathroom to hide my pain. I felt sick deep down inside. How could I not have known? It turns out most of our friends knew about Martin, but they didn't want to be the ones to tell me.

I wished one of them had told me.

I stood in the bathroom clutching the sink and staring at my gaunt reflection in the mirror and my pager buzzed with the emergency signal. I felt adrenaline begin to course through my veins. I splashed water in my face and headed back out to find out what the emergency was.

"Right, what is the emergency?" I asked as I breezed through trying to ooze professionalism from every pore. I had to pull myself together. My people were going to need me.

Medical staff were busying around. " Captain Morley. I'm prepping the OR," I heard a call from a nurse.

My assistant, Alice Chen had a different look in her eyes. We had worked together a long time and I hadn't seen this look on her face before.

"The morning patrol has been hit. A rescue team is bringing them back now."

I felt my whole body freeze in its tracks. I couldn't focus on anything.

I felt Alice's hand on my arm as around us everything became more frantic and I knew. Of course I knew, deep down inside somewhere before she said the words.

"Captain, its Lieutenent Clark's vehicle. It doesn't sound good."

Of course Alice knew about my relationship with Sophia. Definitely not officially. But, she was intuitive, she knew me well. She would have seen the easy intimacy Sophia and I had that was exclusive to lovers.

"Do you need to sit this one out?" she asked, kindly.

Of course, hospital on an army base didn't work like normal hospital. Most of the time, the patients were someone we knew. I had to pull myself together and get on with it and we both knew that.

I took a deep breath. One. Two. Three. In and out. In and out.

"No, of course not. I'm fine." I heard my own voice as though I was floating above the medical ward.

Alice looked at me full of empathy and we both knew that she knew. We also both knew that I was the most experienced trauma surgeon we had.

"Ok," she said calmly. "I'll help you, Captain. ETA is 3 minutes. Scrub in and prepare for surgery. I'll be right next to you. I'll do my best for you."

My body went through the motions of gowning up and scrubbing in. I stepped into the OR and of course the body on the table was her. Sophia. Who else would it be? A mass of dark hair. Her eyes closed, I remember her beautiful eyelashes. Alice hurriedly went to cover her face with a sheet so I could work on fixing her body.

There was blood. So much blood that I will never forget. It pooled on the white tiles underneath the table.

Sophia's injuries were catastrophic and she died on my table two hours later. I couldn't save her. I doubt anyone could have.

I staggered out of the OR afterwards covered in her blood and gasping for air. I went outside and screamed into the desert where sand and sky become one.

I knew I had to find a way to hide it. My pain had to be secret, just as our relationship had been.

I hid in my room and cried and cried and cried and I couldn't imagine a way forward from that moment.

The memories of Sophia faded over the years. There was a lot about her I would never forget and when I think back, I know the tenderness we shared in the dark nights in the desert was real. Army real anyway. That is the thing about army life. It isn't real life, but it takes you to such intensity of emotion with each other that you build bonds that are so much deeper than real life.

I went to war with Sophia Clark by my side. I tended the injured and had friends die in front of me. Sophia was the one holding me at night when I cried in the dark.

That was real.

Sophia was the one next to me when we went on missions and I was afraid. I hid it well. Of course I did. We all did. Sophia would squeeze my thigh as we sat together in the back of a truck, not knowing what we would find when we arrived where we were going, so I would know I wasn't alone. We had each other's back.

That was real.

When we kissed. When we had sex. Her lust. Her desire for me.

It was real. I know it was.

So, I have chosen to focus on the good. Remember fondly what was, instead of what might have been.

Sophia Clark with her dark hair, dark eyes, full sensual lips, body that I couldn't rip my eyes away from- she sits in a box somewhere in my mind and I don't delve into it often.

Since having my home on the ranch, the comforting routines of caring for the animals and tending to the land are a solace for me. For a time, the ranch became my sanctuary, a place of refuge where I could find peace amid the chaos of my past. I had convinced myself that I didn't need a woman in my life. That I could find fulfillment and contentment within the quiet solitude of the ranch.

And for a while, it had worked. I had thrown myself into my work, losing myself in the daily tasks and responsibilities that came with running the ranch. The memories of my past life in the army faded into the background and I found solace in the tranquility of the ranch, taking injured or traumatised animals and nursing them back to health. The brokenness of the animals mirrored my own inner struggles. In their presence, I found a sense of purpose and fulfillment. I was able to lose myself in the simple rhythms of caring for their needs and tending to the land.

I had learned to satisfy my own sexual desires with my right hand in my own bed. It was enough for me. For all those years, it was enough.

But now Ashlyn had entered my life like a wildfire, setting ablaze the carefully constructed walls I had erected around my heart. From the moment she arrived, Ashlyn stirred something within me—a passion and desire that I had long thought extinguished. Her presence was like a bolt of lightning, electrifying the air with an intensity that left me breathless and yearning for more.

Sure, in some ways she reminded me of Sophia. Although aside from their hair, they didn't look similar. But they shared an undefinable charisma and a sensuality that are rarely found.

With each passing encounter, Ashlyn stoked the fire within me—a primal, insatiable hunger that threatened to consume me whole. Her touch was like a drug, intoxicating and addictive, leaving me craving more with every fleeting caress. And though I tried to resist the pull of attraction that simmered between us, I found myself powerless to deny the magnetic force that repeatedly drew me to her.

As I watched Ashlyn tend to Phantom, a nervous energy pulsed through me. My desire to spend more time with her grew stronger with each passing moment. Though I had never been one to shy away from taking the lead, the prospect of asking Ashlyn out on a date filled me with trepidation.

But, I knew I didn't want another secret relationship, as exciting as the passion between us was. I wanted something real if I was going to have something. Real world real.

Summoning every ounce of courage I could muster, I approached Ashlyn tentatively, my heart pounding in my chest as I struggled to find the right words. "Um, Ashlyn?" I began, my voice

wavering slightly with uncertainty. "I was wondering if, uh, you might like to, um, go out with me sometime? Like, a date." The words hung in the air between us, heavy with anticipation as I waited for Ashlyn's response. Would she say yes? Or would she politely decline, leaving me to wallow in embarrassment and disappointment?

To my relief, Ashlyn's face broke into a warm smile, her green eyes sparkling like emeralds with genuine interest. "I would love to," she replied, her voice soft and inviting. A rush of relief flooded through me, accompanied by a surge of excitement at the prospect of spending time alone with Ashlyn. Anticipation built within me—as well as a flicker of hope that maybe, just maybe, this could be the beginning of something special between us.