1. Chapter 1

It's been a long time since I have felt anything but anger.

There is a saying, love and hate are two sides of the same coin. I know which side my coin was on right now and it wasn't love. It is hard to see anything beyond the hatred that is currently coursing through my veins. Beyond the anger I have to force into a cage inside me so I can still function and be there for the others.

But there are moments, like the one I'm having now, where all I can do is sit on the side of my bed and look at the photograph in my hands of the five of us. But there are only three of us left now.

Colt left to join the military not long after Ashley disappeared, and I couldn't blame him. He had been staying to look after her out of some misplaced obligation. Only for her to simply throw that back in his face by walking out.

And we now know that she walked out. For so long, we thought something terrible had happened. There were search parties and missing persons reports, everything we could do to locate her.

It took a month for Jessica and Nicole to finally break down and admit to dropping her off at the bus stop. And that was when it became clear she left us, that she walked away from us without a second thought.

Rick ended up in the hospital again for another seventy-two hours when we found out, and after that, he just wasn't the same again. There is now something missing whenever he interacts with us, like something is broken inside him.

My finger goes to touch Ash's long blonde hair in the photograph, but I force my fingers into a fist before opening my suitcase and shoving the picture frame inside. It's now been a year, and I did not want to give her any more room in my head or my heart. Rick has only just started to act more like he used to, though I doubt he will ever be the same. He is still that slightly cracked shell, but he seems to have decided to embrace life again. Even if he is now twice as reckless with it.

Nix has become completely closed off. I can see the same anger reflected in him that burns inside me. Over the last few weeks, each time we are stuck on location at a new job, he has been disappearing at night. Whatever he has been doing, it seems to be calming the storm inside him. If only briefly.

The thought has crossed my mind to ask what has changed for him, but I was afraid to stop his progress, and I can live with my anger. I learned to control it and not let it control me. I had seen what happens when anger gets the best of someone. But controlling it doesn't mean it went away.

When I met Ash, I was surprised at how similar our stories were. How somehow we both found ourselves in a cruel world where monsters wore the face of our parents. In her instance it was her stepdad who abused and killed her mother while she and Colt hid in a closet. For me, it was my real dad who took a carving knife to my mother when she didn't cook the Thanksgiving turkey to his liking. I certainly wasn't giving thanks that day, or any Thanksgiving since. I had only been thirteen at the time.

Unfortunately, my dad didn't choose death by cop the way Ash's step dad did, so he is still alive, rotting in prison where he belongs. But I chose to use computers to hide away from life. They became my haven for a time, my escape, until Nix coaxed me back into the real world.

We chose not to follow Colt into the military after Ash left. Somehow even that reminded Nix of her because of some suggestion he made to her on her birthday. Instead, we took up a job offer to enhance some skills we already had and work for a company with better pay and fewer morals. We have only just started in the field and are currently waiting out a target on our third job.

Sighing, I look out the window. The sun is setting on our fifth day here. If we keep taking jobs, we will constantly be moving, with no place to call home. Maybe we will eventually buy some properties, but having no set home right now suits me. It means fewer reminders of what's missing.

A noise from the doorway has me turning to find Rick braced against the door frame, a pensive look on his face. But he quickly flashes me a grin when I look toward him.

"Nix has gone out on one of his super-secret adventures, so it"s just us here tonight," he says before slowly walking over to stand in front of where I"m sitting on the edge of the bed.

Leaning back on my hands I nod and look toward the window. "Yeah, whatever or wherever he is going, it seems to be helping him," I responded softly.

I"m startled when he leans down toward me, kissing my jaw softly. My breath catches. He hasn"t touched me affectionately in a year. My lips part in surprise, and he brushes his lips against them.

"Good, now let me help you," he mumbles, before starting to feather more kisses along my jaw and starting to move down my throat. My brain has short-circuited, and I remain frozen as his lips continue down over my shirt as he lowers himself to his knees in front of me.

My brain snaps back online, and I raise a hand and press it to his chest, stopping his movement. "You said you couldn"t be with me, that you needed time," I say as I look into his eyes.

He nods slightly. "And you gave me time, and I appreciate that, but I"m okay now, and you need me," he replies.

I frown as his hands keep inching down, his fingers starting to slowly unbutton my jeans as he holds my gaze as though challenging me to stop him. "We... we never did anything like this together before," I say as my mouth goes bone dry, and I try to swallow.

His lip twitches, a grin pulling at it again as a hint of mischief enters his eyes. He slowly lowers my zipper, and I swear I can feel each of the teeth separating as it goes down against my hardening cock. He then tugs down the front of my underwear as much as he can so that he can wrap his fingers around me.

"I think this might be a learn-on-the-job situation, don"t you think?" he whispers before he leans forward and licks the length of me from my balls to my tip.

"Holy fuck," I breathe out in a rush.

His tongue slowly circles the head of my cock before he trails it back down, tentatively licking against the soft skin of my balls. I can feel every delicious movement of his warm, wet tongue. We have all had adolescent sloppy experiences while in high school and well before we all knew we wanted Ash, and before Rick and I identified the feelings we have toward each other. And those experiences paled in comparison to Rick"s mouth on me.

He sucks on the sensitive skin, and my hips buck up toward him, my hands giving way beneath me as I fall back against the bed. I feel his fingers hook into the sides of my jeans and underwear, and I raise my hips to help him tug them down and out of his way until he is throwing them across the room. Then his hands and mouth are back on me, his hand curling around my aching balls as his tongue swirls around the head of my cock again.

I raise my head just in time to see him close his mouth around it, hollowing his cheeks as he slowly takes me into his mouth an inch at a time. I"m panting for breath, and I can"t stop the moan when I hit the back of his throat. He wraps his other hand around the base of me and squeezes as he drags his mouth back up, his tongue flicking against the underside of my cock along the way.

The sensation is overwhelming, every nerve in my body is on fire with pleasure as Rick"s mouth works wonders on me. His tongue dances along my length, sending shivers down my spine.

As he takes me a little deeper into his mouth, I can feel the tightness building in my stomach. I grip the sheets tightly beneath me, trying to ground myself as Rick"s mouth continues to create a rhythm of sucking and licking that has me feeling like I"m about to lose my mind.

His hand suddenly finds mine, even as he works up and down my length, peeling my fingers from the sheet and moving them to his wavy blonde hair at the back of his head. My stomach drops as I instantly know what he wants. I struggle to push up on my other hand, almost falling back down as he squeezes my balls gently while sucking on me.

"Stop," I rasp out, but he ignores me, his eyes defiant as he continues to swallow me down. I grip a handful of his hair and pull him off me, his lips parting and his eyes flaring wide, but it"s not fear there, it"s heat and desire. The sight of spit stretching from my cock to his mouth almost has me shoving him back down onto it, but we haven't done things like this together, and I don't know what I could or couldn"t do. I don't know how forceful I could be with him. My heart is thundering in my chest as I take a second to breathe.

"What do you want, Rick?" I breathe out, my voice barely above a whisper, because deep down, I know this isn"t just about me.

"I told you, I want to help you feel better," he whispers, his breath warm against the sensitive skin of my groin.

"You want to help me or you want to help yourself?" I counter, searching his eyes for any sign of understanding.

"Why can"t it be a bit of both?" he queries, his brows furrowing in confusion at my question.

"You want us to use each other?" I let go of his hair, but he grabs my hand again with a growl, his grip firm and unyielding.

"Not use," he insists, his voice tinged with frustration. "You know I want you, and I know you want me. But I"m tired of you being so goddamn angry..." His words trail off, his gaze softening as he speaks.

"And I"m tired of not feeling anything, Beck," he continues, his voice filled with longing. "I need to feel something. I need you to make me feel something."

I stare at him, the weight of his words sinking in. I shouldn"t be considering continuing this encounter, but the desperation in his voice cuts through me like a knife. Despite my reservations, I find myself unable to deny him.

"How far?" I ask, knowing he"ll understand the implicit question in my words.

Relief floods his features, his eyes alight with anticipation. "No sex today, but don"t hold back with this," he replies eagerly.

"But I"ll hurt you," I protest, my concern for him overriding my own desires.

"I want you to," he confesses, his voice barely above a whisper. "I want to be an outlet for your anger. I need that pain. Right now, pain is the only thing that does anything for me."

With a heavy sigh, I motion for him to stand up, a flash of disappointment crossing his face as he does so. But I grab his hand and pull him forward, guiding him until he"s lying on the mattress beside me.

I move him until his head is hanging backward off the mattress. "Open your pants," I growl, my voice low and commanding. "Get your cock out. I want to see when I"m giving you what you need."

He obeys instantly, his hands moving quickly to yank his zipper down and shove his own jeans and underwear out of the way. He's not fully hard yet, and I hadn't realized how much I wanted to see him throbbing for me until then. If this is what he needs for that, then that is what I would give him.

"Good boy," I praise. His cock twitches at my words and I make a mental note to explore that another time, but for now I simply move him slightly, lining myself up with his mouth.

"If it does get to be too much, tap my leg," I whisper before shoving my cock between his parted lips.

As I push my cock into Rick"s mouth, I feel a surge of power and desire coursing through me. His lips close around me, warm and eager, as he takes me in deeper with each thrust.

His throat tightens around me, but I press on, determined to push him to his limits. "Relax your throat," I rasp out as I push forward again. He struggles at first, choking and gagging until his eyes are watery, spit dripping down his cheeks. But he still looks fiercely determined, and his cock is now hard and throbbing.

My eyes flick to the suitcase beside the bed with the picture in it and anger washes over me like wildfire before I look back down at Rick. I wrap my hand around his throat and thrust forward, not withdrawing as I press against his throat with both my cock and my hand. "Relax," I snarl, and I feel him slowly comply until I"m sliding deeper. I can feel myself stretching his throat beneath my hand, and he swallows around me, sending waves of pleasure coursing through me.

I pull back again, allowing him to breathe. "Good fucking boy," I groan, his cock twitching at my words as he wraps a hand around it, pre-cum glistening on the tip. I thrust back into his mouth as he twists his hand, his movements becoming faster as he moans around my hard length.

Leaning over, I gather the spit in my own mouth, letting it drip onto the now red and angry head of his cock. "That"s it, cucciolo," I growl. "Make yourself cum for me." I continue to thrust deeper and harder. "You want my cum? Then be a good boy and cum for me first, and I"ll give you every drop."

His hand twists again, moving faster now as his moans grow louder, vibrating along the length of me. I already feel like I"m on the edge, the tingling sensation traveling down my spine, signaling my impending climax. My rhythm stutters, my thrusts becoming harder, more brutal as I feel his throat bulge each time I push hard into it.

My hand tightens around it, and I hear his muffled cries of ecstasy as I see the first pulse of his orgasm slam into him, his cum hitting his shirt at his stomach. I can"t hold my own orgasm off anymore. I let it roll over me, wave after wave of ecstasy crashing through me as I cum deep down his throat.

As the last tremors of pleasure subside, I collapse onto the bed beside Rick, breathing heavily. Sweat beads on my forehead as I try to catch my breath, my body still humming with the aftershocks of my release.

Rick lies beside me, his chest rising and falling in sync with mine. His face is flushed, lips swollen.

For a moment, we lay there in silence, the only sound filling the room the soft hum of the air conditioning. But then Rick shifts, turning to face me, his gaze searching mine.

"Thank you," he murmurs, his voice hoarse. "I needed that."

A bark of laughter escapes me as I drag a hand down my face. "Same," I admit, my voice rough. And it's the truth, the anger that consumed me has been momentarily replaced by something else, something raw and primal yet strangely comforting.

Rick reaches out, his fingers lacing through mine. "We'll be fine, so long as we have each other, right?" he murmurs and I can hear the sleep in his voice.

I move us until we are cuddled together under the blanket before responding, his breathing deepening as sleep starts to drag him under. "You will always have me, cucciolo, I'll never leave you," I say with a sigh. "Just please don't leave me either."