5. Darcy

If I wasn't facing out onto one the most beautiful views I've ever seen, I'd be extraordinarily pissed off. As it is, I'm fairly pissed off. I stare out at the gorgeous vista from the fancy terrace in Anton's insane pad. The terrace leads onto an emerald green lawn—irrigation costs be damned—that in turn runs down to a spectacular pool area via a shallow flight of sandstone steps.

Beyond the pool? Pines. And then a drop to the Med itself, sparkling and glorious and its trademark azure on this perfect June day.

My sister told me she and Anton first got it on—after an extensive period of mind games on her part and ambushes on his—at this very table. That they first fucked down by the pool. That's kind of hot and kind of creepy, because, come on. She's my sister. And he's old. But it's still pretty cool.

I can definitely see the attraction of having a super hot, super eligible billionaire trick you into staying with him alone at his evil lair and then seducing you by the pool.

I'm just happy someone's getting some action, because I'm definitely not. Last night's Alchemy opening night was the equivalent for me of dehydrating to death on a life raft in the middle of the ocean. Men, men, everywhere, and not a single one to fuck.

Just the thought of it fucks me off, and I may stab at a sliver of perfectly ripe cantaloupe a little harder than necessary. Two rounds with my rose vibe when I got home took the edge off, but wasn't the same. It was the equivalent of trying to fill yourself up with a protein shake when you really want a bar of chocolate.

The worst part was that it wasn't the endless array of hot Europeans that got me off in that dark room beneath my pristine white duvet, but the memory of that guy, Max, telling me he wanted to put me over his knee.

I bet he would have.

I bet he would have thrown me over his shoulder, and carted me off to some tent, and fully taken control.

Ugh. I suppress a full-body shiver, because I wasn't lying last night. I'm not interested in fucking him. There's the smorgasbord of gorgeous guys that Alchemy affords me (or at least affords people who are allowed to avail themselves of it), and then there are guys like him. Guys who are simply too much. Guys who could easily get under your skin.

I didn't come back to the UK for that.

Breakfast at Anton'svilla is a family affair. His own kids aren't here. There wasn't enough room for them this weekend, but they'll be here, obviously, in a few weeks, when Anton and my sister tie the knot. I cannot wait to see her in stepmother mode. It will be fucking hilarious, especially since it sounds like his twins are mini versions of how I was at their age, but with presumably a tonne more entitlement than I had. It'll be priceless, and I intend to have a front-row seat.

Even without his kids, his huge villa is rammed. Two of my sister's three best mates from uni are here. Rafe and his new wife Belle, who I haven't met yet, are still away on their honeymoon. Zach's here with his two sweet little girls and fiancée Maddy, who I've already fallen madly in love with. And—be still my beating heart—Cal's here too with his girlfriend and her two boys.

Cal. Sigh. The crush I had on that guy when I was like eight or nine and Gen used to bring her mates home from uni for the weekend. Rafe was too cool for school, and I always remember Zach being handsome and sweet and pretty quiet, but Cal? He was so patient with me, and he looked like a model. He was better looking than any popstar.

I may or may not have named one of my Ken dolls Cal. The name lasted for a couple of years, but that is a secret I'll deny until my dying day.

Anyway, he may still be hot as fuck, but my hero worship of him has long faded. He's just a great looking, fun guy. Besides, he's revoltingly in love with Aida Russell, which kind of blows my mind. Should have known he'd end up with an actual celebrity, though I wouldn't have guessed he'd go for a strikingly sophisticated older woman.

If anything, Zach and Maddy are the biggest surprise. Obviously, I followed the tragedy of his late wife's horrifyingly fast demise from cancer from a distance. I was in Oz by then, but Gen kept me posted. It was so horrific.

So it's amazing to see him here with his daughters, having a blast, while being head over heels for Maddy. From what I've seen, she and I have a similar personality type, so seeing her with the Hot Nerd is all kinds of fun. I've heard her call him Spreadsheet once or twice, too, which cracks me up.

Of all the couples here, my sister and Anton are the most obvious fit. She tried to feed me some opposites attract bullshit about him, but it's clear these two belong together.

Naturally, a breakfast table that's as heaving with kids as it is with delicious food is not the place for a post mortem on last night's shenanigans. I console myself with the knowledge that no one around this table will have wild tales to share, given how coupled-up they all are. Instead, the conversation focuses on the plans for today. In a nutshell, Anton will take Zach, Cal and the kids out on his boat for a couple of hours, leaving the womenfolk to sunbathe and gossip.

Sounds just the ticket after last night.