32. Chapter 32

Chapter 32

ANNIE

This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening. This can’t be happening! I chanted my inner monologue as I ran.

My bare feet squished into the damp sand along the water’s edge, the sparse seashells my steps managed to find pressing willingly into the giving surface, becoming part of the trail of footprints in my wake. I hated leaving a trail for Jet to find, but the water gave me something to follow in the moonlit night, and follow blindly. My mind was in shock, both my thoughts and emotions whirling in a storm…suffocating.

Oh, God! The image of that kiss flashed through my mind, and again, the breath was knocked from my lungs with the pain.

Sucking in a sharp gasp, I kept running. Running was my only chance of forgetting, of clearing my mind. But the shock must have been affecting my body, too, because it wasn’t working. The image wouldn’t stop, my thoughts tormenting me in their whirlwind.

I just ran faster .

Faintly, I could hear Jet calling my name from behind me, but I didn’t look back. I couldn’t. He’d never understand how much he’d hurt me. I knew he couldn’t. Because if he could, he never would have betrayed me. Betrayed us .

Searching myself, digging from within, I pushed for more speed, my toes pressing harder against the ground, propelling me further. Faster. My hands balled into fists, pumping with their frustration as I ran.

The letter I still held crammed in my hand crackled with the pressure. Jet wouldn’t catch me. I had more stamina and speed. Even the random edge of a shell that tried to dig its way into the sole of my foot couldn’t slow me down. That pain barely registered compared to the agony that wiped the very air from my lungs. But the crackling of that letter?… That was like another crack at my freshly battered heart.

Never had the written word caused me so much pain. Never had I felt so betrayed. My heart had never hurt like this. Where my emotion was so raw it was actually a physical pain. I’d felt terror before, gut-wrenching fear and grief, but this pain… This pain was obliterating.

And Jet caused it.

My entire world was unraveling.

I can’t take this. I won’t survive this.

I clutched my chest as another wave of agony nearly caused me to double over, and I gasped for more breath, the sobs thick in my throat. Overwhelmed as I grew sick from the intensity of the unrelenting storm I felt inside.

I swallowed hard to keep anything from coming up. That would mean stopping. Stopping would mean no running. And no running would mean letting Jet gain ground. Maybe even catch up if I couldn’t regain control fast enough. I had to keep running.

Except it isn’t working! Why isn’t it working?! I wanted to scream out in desperation. Needing the relief from my ever-spinning mind. Running had never failed me like this before, not when I pressed myself to my limits. The adrenaline would eventually kick in, and I’d be saved from the torturing thoughts.

But now I just kept seeing that kiss. Ruby leaning into Jet, his hand on her chest. Her hands sliding up into his soft black waves. The same place my fingers had wound themselves just this afternoon. How he hadn’t pushed her away. Not until he realized I was there.

A growl ripped from my throat. Jet wasn’t solely mine anymore. Ruby knew his smell, his touch, everything about him in the most intimate ways.

But he’s supposed to be mine ! Only mine! He promised!

Promises could be fucking broken…

My heart clenched with my lungs, knowing which one he’d broken to me. So many of his sweet words now meant nothing with his betrayal.

A fishing pier came into view up ahead, telling me how far down the beach I’d gone. This stretch of sand was at the edge or just past what belonged to our friend, and I knew with the distance there was no way Jet could be anywhere near me. My roiling stomach demanded a break, but I had to keep going, ignoring the way the tattered edges of my emotions were finally ripping me apart.

Why?! Why is the trauma of my life never ending?!

Mom had deserved her happiness with Daddy, but he was ripped away and taken from all of us, the massive bleeding gap of his loss left pulsing around our family since he passed. It put Mom through hell. I’ve been through hell. The way I had to find her, almost losing her, too! Right after I almost lost Izzy! My sister was so broken, and I couldn’t do anything to help! Her tortured screams from losing Zoey still haunt me. My niece freaking died! How can that be right?! How can any of it be right?!

Especially everything with Jet. The promise of his forever was gone now, too. There had been times since my world had started to fall apart that he’d been the only thing keeping me sane. He’d been my rock. The calm in my storm. Now, without him, there was nothing left to hold me together.

Those tattered seams that had been valiantly keeping everything in had now burst, leaving my entire world to keep unraveling around me.

I barely stifled the next retch that almost made it up my throat. The thoughts too close, too real. Bleeding out around me as I ran.

I had to run faster. I had to get away. I could beat the storm of my thoughts in the end. I had to. I just had to run harder. And my steps hastened just in time to plow, hard, into a figure that suddenly emerged from under the pier.

I flipped over the solid, human form, landing hard against my shoulder, and cursed with just another source of pain.

NI C

My pocket vibrated for what had to be the twelfth time tonight. A few of the buzzing rings and texts were from my dad. One text was from Jet. The rest were from Izzy.

The sun was completely below the horizon now, and I could proudly, yet excruciatingly, say that the bottle was still unopened. Though my fingertips had broached the paper bag that shielded it from a very alluring view more times than I cared to admit.

I didn’t even have to look at my mobile to know it was Izzy again. She’d been trying to reach me for hours now, so I knew graduation was over. I was sorry I’d missed it. The milestone was huge, and my absence would have disappointed her, Jet, and my father. Perhaps even some of the others, but I knew I was in no state to go.

I sighed, feeling guilty, and sent her a text back before she could decide to come search me out.

Me: Really, Izzy. I just need some time. We’ll talk later.

It was necessary to convince her to leave me here alone. That part was vital this evening with my secret shame lying beside me for all to see.

Well, I had already told Izzy that I’d had problems with alcohol before, but I’d been vague, wanting to keep this particular demon in the past. And for the most part, it was. Over time, I’d learned what I could handle and when, never turning to hard liquor, but judgment was hard at times. It had damn near failed me completely after Enzo and Anna’s betrayal. Those first few weeks were a haze. Luckily, Dad had been able to intervene before my abuse got entirely out of hand.

But I wasn’t too keen on involving my dad after he’d blurted out my secret this afternoon. I couldn’t take everyone’s pity. Even Annie had looked sorry for me. Then with the story about my family’s past… Everything was so twisted from what I’d thought.

I’d had to escape, and I’d purchased this bottle to prove to myself that I could resist it without anyone’s help. But the sodding stuff just got more tempting the longer it was here. It was taunting me, begging me to sample it. One swig to roll across my tongue and savor before it burned its way down my throat, slowly dulling my pain… Then another. And another as my demons took control.

“Arrrgh!” I threw the bottle out into the water. “Not today, damn it!”

The splash was minuscule considering the weight I felt in releasing it, but I didn’t feel any better with it gone. I only felt worse.

I hate this! I hate feeling so weak! I hate feeling so angry all the time!

And having nowhere to place that anger just… sucked . My aunt had been perfect for that. I’d seized the opportunity to have someone to blame for everything that had happened. To have someone to take the guilt off of myself.

I just can’t believe I had it wrong. I was so certain Aunt Helen had done something terrible.

But she hadn’t. Not from the story they’d told. It was my grandparents and those before them that had been the destructive ones. All my aunt had done was fall in love and not let anything tear it apart.

Exactly what I failed to do!

I had no one to blame but myself now. It was my fault that I’d lost Anna. I couldn’t siphon that off on anyone else. An emotionally sound person, an undamaged person, might say I should blame Enzo and Anna, but I knew that if I’d been there the way that Anna had needed me, she never would have turned to someone else.

So, ultimately, the fault was mine.

And I was the reason my family moved to London. That fickle piece of blame I’d tried to put on someone else was really on me. My very existence was the reason my heart was able to be put in harm’s way. The anger and the guilt ate relentlessly at me from within, and I honestly didn’t know what to do with either anymore.

One step forward, two steps back. I mused cynically. That’s what it felt like, anyway. I reached for my wallet and pulled out the ring, twisting it in my fingers as my thumb ran along the smooth surface of the several carat stone.

Anna would have loved this. I’d thought of her the moment I’d seen it, and I’d worked so hard to be able to get it for her. To get her all that she wanted and deserved. It had all been for her. But it had backfired somewhere. Somewhere in trying to give her everything, I’d given her nothing. Nothing that really mattered. It was a lesson I’d taken to heart, though I couldn’t seem to give up the passion I found in my work, the need for productivity and creation like a drive within me.

But so what? Was it a crime to enjoy what I did? I was bloody good at it, and I’d followed that business opportunity, wanting everything for Anna, for us , but she didn’t care. Now, my work was all I had left. It would have been a disgrace if she’d ruined that for me, too, they way she’d ruined me. Because the truth of it was, Anna had damaged me beyond repair. She’d had my heart fully in her grasp. It was hers to hold, and as I looked at the ring, I knew that even if she didn’t want to, she still had a firm grip.

I quickly put the ring away. Since I’d shown it to Izzy, I’d pulled it out a few times on my own, and I knew the effects if I kept it out too long.

I felt my sodding mobile go off again, pulling it out only in exasperation. What could she bloody want now?

“I don’t really know how to be any clearer with you.” I barely kept from barking at her.

Silence.

Bugger. Now, I’d gone and hurt her feelings on top of everything else.

“You answered.” Enzo’s voice on the other end was shocked but not as jarred as I was to hear it.

“Not on purpose,” I growled once my brain realized I had to respond. “Don’t worry. I won’t make the mistake again.”

“Wait!”

I paused, my thumb only hovering over the end button. Why, I wasn’t sure. Perhaps I was a glutton for torture. “Why, Enzo?” I grated. “What could you possibly have to say that I might actually give a rat’s ass about hearing?”

“I… Probably nothing, but shit, I’m sorry, mate. I messed up. I know it, but I still don’t want to lose you as a friend.”

“You should’ve lost hope of that when you decided to crawl into my bed with my girl! You should’ve manned up and pulled away the second you realized you had feelings for her!”

“You’re right. I know what I should have done.” Enzo’s voice was calm, pleading, even as mine was fueled with rage. But he just took the punches and kept his calm. “ I should’ve let you two figure things out. I should have waited until things were over and done between you and told you what was going on before I let anything happen. But I didn’t. I betrayed your trust and ruined our friendship.”

“If you know this, then why are you calling?” I said through gritted teeth. My free hand clenched into a fist in the sand. What I’d give to have that bloody bottle back once this was through…

“Because I can’t give up trying to salvage it without knowing I gave it my best shot. Just tell me there’s something, anything , I can do.”

“You could try going to hell.”

A few seconds of silence passed.

“I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. Neither of us did. We really–”

“You know what? Just piss off, Enzo.” I hung up and slammed my mobile down into the sand. “Like bloody hell you never wanted to hurt me.” My hands tore through my hair as that fateful night came flooding back.

“Enzo!” Anna cried out as she began to shudder through her release.

When Enzo grunted her name in return, my stunned mind suddenly shocked back to life. I slammed the tulips I’d just purchased against the wall as I raged toward them, bellowing in anger and hurt so deep it felt like a knife had just been plunged into my chest.

They sprang apart on the bed, shock and horror on their faces when they realized they weren’t alone. Enzo scrambled from the bed, grabbing the blanket and hastily wrapping it around his waist as he backed to the chest of drawers. Anna raised the bed sheet over her bare, gorgeous body in what I hoped was shame.

“What do you think you’re doing?” I roared as I reached my now ex-best friend. I kept my hands clenched in fists at my sides to keep from wrapping them around Enzo’s neck.

“I– I’m sorry, mate,” he stammered, his back pressing flush against the chest of drawers as I faced him, toe to toe, in utter rage.

“You’re sorry ?” My brow shot up, the whole thing almost impossible to believe. “You’re sorry ?! I come home early to surprise my woman, find you in bed with her, and you’re sorry ?!”

Enzo swallowed, nervous sweat joining his prior perspiration on his brow. “I’m in love with her.”

My fist raised and pulled back as fury scorched through every inch of me, and Enzo’s eyes flew wide as I readied to strike.

“Nicky, stop! Please! Don’t.” Anna pulled at my arm, the bedsheet barely managing to stay over her. I wanted to grab it and wrap it around her like a cocoon so Enzo couldn’t see even the remotest amount of her bare flesh.

My arm lowered as she held it, and I saw the desperation, the fear , for Enzo in her eyes.

“Why?” I narrowed my gaze. “Do you feel the same way?”

Tears began to slip from her long lashes, her grip slackening on my arm as her lower lip trembled.

“Do you, Anna?” My voice barked, making her flinch. “Do you love him?!” I bellowed when she remained silent. “Answer me!”

She jumped at the hostility I’d never used with her before. “Yes. ”

I backed away, my bleeding heart plunging into the pit of my stomach as I fought the urge to be sick.

“Nicky.” Anna stepped closer, pity in her voice. One hand reached out for me as the other tried to readjust the sheet. It fell open in the back, and I didn’t miss how Enzo’s eyes fell to where only mine should have been allowed to look.

I pulled Anna to the side and backed her against the wall where Enzo couldn’t see or hear anything between us. She was mine. God, she was supposed to be mine ! “Tell me it’s not true,” I pleaded into her ear.

“I can’t,” she whispered.

“Then tell me you still love me . We can still work this out. Please, Anna, give me something to hold on to.” My breaths were desperate as tears mottled in my throat.

She shook her head feverishly. “We never meant to hurt you.”

“By shagging in our bed, you never meant to hurt me?!”

“We didn’t,” Enzo said, still across the room. “You weren’t supposed to be home. You weren’t supposed to find out like this.”

“As if finding out another way would have been better?!” I bit over my shoulder and looked again at Anna, her beauty striking me even now with her tear-stained cheeks. “How many times was I not supposed to be home? How long has this been going on?”

Her gaze held mine, never wavering. “This was the first time.”

I pounded a fist against the wall by her head, my jaw clenching as agony rushed through every vein in my body. I shook my head. Still not able to comprehend it. “Why?” I lowered my voice to plead into her ear. “Why would you do this to me? How could you do this to me? To us? I love you. ”

“You love your work .”

“I love you !” I pounded my fist again. “I came home early to surprise you.”

“ Today , maybe. But what about every other day, Nic? What about all the times I’m left here without you while you go off to play at that stupid software with Mark? You’ve changed. You never make time for us anymore. You’re obsessed with your work. It’s so bloody important to you that you couldn’t even ignore your sodding mobile on our anniversary ! On a night that I was begging, pleading inside for you to put me first, you made it all about you and your work, again. That was the deciding factor. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was the last time I was going to let you disappoint me. Your last chance to prove yourself, and you threw it away like rubbish. I felt myself fall out of love with you that night.”

I jolted, my brain stuttering for a moment over the shock of her last statement. “So, what? You turned to Enzo? My best mate? The one bloke I would’ve ever trusted to stay in our home?”

Bloody joke’s on me there.

Anger rushed over Anna’s expression, and she tiptoed, leaning up to me as she pointed at her chest. “He was there for me! You haven’t been for months! Enzo and I have a connection. From the moment I met him, I felt it. I tried to pull away. I could feel it happening, but–”

“But what? But you couldn’t tell me that you wanted to shag my best friend?!”

“But I just couldn’t fight it anymore! Not after I knew what we had was over.”

“And you?” I looked at Enzo. Tell me I’m not so oblivious that I missed it from both of them.

Enzo shook his head as he met my stare. “I felt it, too.” He shrugged like it was helpless. “I tried to fight it. I didn’t want to hurt you, but my feelings for her grew too strong to ignore. Especially when I knew she’d given up on you.”

I didn’t know what to do. What to say. I was losing my whole reason for living. Rubbing my hand across my chest, I felt the sting hit my heart again, and the small, square lump in my inner coat pocket pressed against my ribs. The knife they’d jabbed firmly in my heart twisted. My entire future I’d envisioned with Anna was being torn to shreds. My world that encompassed two of the most important people in my life unraveling at my feet.

I ducked my head as a fresh flood of tears broke through the gates. “Anna, please, baby.” I looked deep into those eyes that had mesmerized me every day for years now, pleading to see some speck of what she’d once felt for me returned. “It can’t be over. Please.”

Her expression turned tender, and she reached up to stroke her fingers through my hair as her other hand wiped away one of my tears. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry you found out like this. I do care about you. I always will. The last thing I wanted was for you to get hurt.”

I lowered my voice to a whisper, knowing if I spoke any louder it would break. “What about last night? Was that nothing to you?” It had been everything to me. It had proved to me we’d be okay.

“It was goodbye,” she whispered back.

Ripping myself from the memory, I dug my fingers down into the damp sand around me and smacked my head back against the pole at my back. I didn’t want to remember anymore. That goodbye hadn’t let me say goodbye at all. I still remembered every perfect second of it. It haunted my dreams, taunting me, making me want to lose myself in the one thing on this earth I knew could help numb the pain and forget that sodding goodbye, even if it was only temporary.

Arrrgh! Will the pain of it ever pass? Will I ever be able to forget her? Will I ever be able to care about anyone else even a fraction of the amount that I did about her?

Do I even want to?

The torment finally becoming too much, needing the bloody drink I was too tired to fight anymore, I got up and stepped around the pole beneath the pier just in time to be trampled, now spitting sand as a girl cursed.