Thirty-five

Thirty-five

DESI

I'm sitting in front of my mother's vanity wearing an elegant, formfitting black lace dress. It's floor length with a train that extends nearly a foot and a half behind me. It may appear morbid to humans, but black is the traditional color of choice for bonding ceremonies in Infernis. In this realm, it represents unity and endless possibilities.

My mother stands behind me, braiding my curls into a giant French braid that she drapes over one shoulder, showcasing the back of my dress—the deep V going all the way down to the small of my back. On the vanity in front of me sits the crown that will symbolize my rule for eternity—rose gold with black diamonds, intricately twisted into a design that somehow looks both dark and dainty.

"You're breathtaking, Desideria," my mother says, bending down to check my makeup and ultimately deciding I look perfect. "A true queen."

I smile but I'm aware it doesn't reach my eyes. "Thank you, Mother."

She sits next to me on the bench. "Darling, are you all right? I know this isn't how you expected things to go. Everything changed so fast."

I can't hide the tears in my eyes. "It's strange to think I'm gaining something today when I'm losing so much. I don't know how I'm going to do this without you and Father. I'm going to miss you both more than you can ever know."

"You'll manage without us. And you're not alone. Your brothers and Cannon will support you."

It's true but it doesn't mean it feels right.

"I miss him, Mama," I murmur, calling her the name I haven't used since I was a little girl.

"Miss who?"

She knows, she always knows. But that doesn't mean she'll spare me from speaking my feelings. My mother has never let us hide from our emotions. No matter how painful the subject, she always coaxed it out of us. As soon as the words were said, my brothers and I felt a million times better. She always knew best, and she still does.

"Jace," I whisper, the word barely a breath on the tip of my tongue.

Placing her index finger beneath my chin, she lifts my face to hers. "Then why are you tethering your forever to Cannon? He's a nice man and very handsome, but you love another."

I shake my head and try to look away from her, but she won't let me. She has more strength in one finger than I do in my whole body. I have no choice but to answer.

"Because he doesn't love me in return. I thought he did. And maybe, somewhere inside him, in his own way, he does. But he won't allow himself to express it. I gave him a hundred chances to come with me. But he let me go. And Cannon agrees that what we have is platonic. He's a great friend and wants to stand by my side." I shrug. "I figured if I can't have a sweeping love story like you and Father, I might as well have the friendship of a lifetime."

"Oh, Desideria."

My mother pulls me into her arms, and I can no longer fight back the tears. Just this once I'll let myself cry for what could have been. If only I'd come into Jace Wilder's life earlier. If only he wasn't so deeply hurt. If only I was enough to heal him. Unfortunately, I'm another casualty in the wreckage he refuses to leave behind.

She runs her palm over my back and remains silent for several minutes, just letting me cry. I fight through that pain, battling it tooth and nail only to face another. My father is deteriorating and my time with him is quickly coming to an end. Like every epic love story, my mother will follow him, leaving my brothers and me to rule in their stead. I've always thought that it was strange how eternal partners follow each other into the In-Between. Until now. Now I understand why it would hurt too much to carry on without the one you love more than anyone else.

Finally, when I sit up and take a deep breath, she runs her fingertips under my eyes and smiles. "Thank Lilith for waterproof mascara, hmm?" I can't help but smile and she rubs her thumb over my cheek. "There's my strong girl. I know this isn't exactly what you want right now, but Cannon is your best friend, yes?"

I nod and sniffle, pushing my hair back into place. "Besides Jace, yeah."

"Time is a funny thing. It can help friendships bloom into love. All hope for your love story isn't lost. Your prince charming may be a different character than you thought."

"I know. I just wish you and Father would be here to guide me through all the new chapters."

"Me too, my sweet girl."

I get to my feet and smooth my dress, holding my arms out to my sides. "Well? Am I ready to be bonded?"

My mother nods and comes to face me. "You are the last piece of the puzzle, the final working part to make all this function the way it should. Your father will feel so much relief when he can finally let you all assume your roles. Thank you, Desideria."

I lean forward and kiss her cheek. "I'm ready to do my part, and I thank you both for letting me go find someone I'll enjoy spending eternity with. Even though it isn't true love, Cannon and I have a lot of fun together."

"Good. That's half of an eternal partnership right there."

A soft knock taps at the door and my mother glances at the clock on her bedside table. "Ah, it's nearly time. That must be Cannon."

My heart speeds up at the mention of his name, and I'm not even sure why. I still have this fear that he's going to change his mind or demand something more from me, even though that would be out of character. My nerves are ruling my mind, though, so common sense is taking a backseat.

"All right." I turn toward the door and clasp my hands in front of my abdomen. "Let him in."

With a nod my mother strides to the massive black door and swings it open, and with a peck on the cheek and a whispered exchange with Cannon, she disappears, and he enters, closing the door behind him.

He looks handsome in his black suit and bow tie. His hair is twisted into small spirals and his blue eyes are striking against his brown skin. He flashes me a wide grin and says, "You look amazing, Desi."

All my nerves melt away. This is my best friend; someone I can trust. I walk toward him and turn all the way around so he can see the whole dress. "Yeah? It's not too much?"

"No. I don't think it's possible for your beauty to be too much." Cannon reaches for my crown on the vanity and holds it up to me. "May I?"

I nod, my fingers nervously toying with the end of my braid. "Please."

With steady hands he places the crown on my head. The weight of it causes my knees to buckle, and Cannon grips my elbow to keep me upright. It isn't the metal and jewels that are too heavy, but the finality of the moment. I won't spend days roaming the human realm, I won't watch human science-fiction movies, or have to be conscious of my power. From this day forward, I will be bound to Infernis and the demons and energies in my Circle. They will be what I live for.

"It suits you," Cannon says, straightening the crown on my head.

I smile and reach up to run my fingers along the diamond encrusted crown. "Thank you. For everything. I could never express how grateful I am that you did this for me. Gave up everything."

"This is what I want, Desi. I'm gaining so much more than what I'm giving up. This is worth it."

His words carry so much conviction that my chest aches. Cannon is so sure of what he's doing. And I feel so unsure. I force a smile and try to mimic his certainty.

"We'll have a good existence together," I say.

He nods and pulls me into a hug, sliding his palm up to the back of my neck and holds me close against his chest. "We will. I'm going to make you happy, Desi," he murmurs in my ear.

Not as happy as Jace would have. I push the fruitless thought from my mind. "Promise?" is all I can manage.

"I promise. Things will work out the way they're meant to."

Cannon loops my arm inside his and leads me out of the room. Our footsteps click through the vast hallways, each step always off from the other's. It's as if my body is telling me that it will never sync up with Cannon the way it did with Jace. The man beside me will always live in the shadow of another. I would say it isn't fair to put him in this position, but he already knows the truth. Cannon wants this, which is more than I can say for Jace.

We reach the ornate double doors flanked by two occisor demons. They stand tall, the curved horns on their heads adding to their height. Flat black armor covers bulging muscles and rows of sharp teeth peek through gray lips. Cannon grips my hand at the crook of his elbow and his back straightens. I don't blame him for putting on an impenetrable fa?ade. The warrior demons must be a horrifying sight for a human.

The guards bow as we draw closer, and I nod in acknowledgment before they open the doors. Demons of all shapes, colors, and sizes stand on either side of a golden runner. Some are dressed in their finest and others have opted to attend today's ceremony in their natural form. Glowing eyes, pointed tails, shiny hair, and skin in every imaginable hue—the beauty of demons is on full display.

Our royal family crest sways on crimson flags mounted on the floor-to-ceiling pillars. An iron chandelier hovers over the room, its scrolling arms holding countless candles that cast everything in a buttery glow. Cannon and I walk down the aisle, our focus on the enormous black marble dais in front of us. Sixteen thrones sit in two rows, the largest of them—my mother and father's—are positioned front and center. My brothers and their eternal partners sit upon all the remaining thrones but two. Soon Cannon and I will take our place among Infernis's future leaders.

The room spins as my father stands and descends the steps of the dais, and I'm certain that I'm going to pass out. I sway on my feet, and Cannon has to grab my hands to steady me.

"Desi, are you okay?" he whispers.

I nod, my eyelids drooping. "I—yeah. I think I'm just nervous."

"Are you sure? You're pale, and your hands are so clammy. You don't look well."

I squeeze his fingers but I can feel that my strength isn't where it usually is. "I'm telling you, it's just because everyone is staring at me, and I didn't eat today because I wanted to make sure I fit into this dress. I'm fine."

A dubious look crosses his face, but he lets it go. "I promise you have nothing to worry about. Soon everything will work out the way you hope it will. This is far from the end, Desi." He lifts his lips in a weak smile. "I'm going to keep hold of your hands just in case."

"Okay," I whisper, even though his words hit me as odd. How can any of this work out the way I hope?

My father smiles as he stands in front of us, clapping a hand on Cannon's shoulder and kissing me on the cheek. "You look fantastic, my darling Desideria. Cannon, you clean up well too."

My eyes fill with tears; I'm going to miss my father's terrible dad jokes. But I can see the toll that ruling has had on him. He looks weaker than he did less than a week ago. His light is dimming, and with it his physical strength.

A titter of laughter goes through the audience, and when everyone quietens down again, my father speaks, his voice loud, commanding, and somber. "Good afternoon, demons and energies of Infernis. Thank you for traveling from every corner of the realm to be here, to see my lastborn child bind herself to her eternal partner, followed by the coronation of each of my children to their Circles."

Applause breaks out for a few moments, but when my father holds up a hand to silence them, the hush that falls over the room is instantaneous.

"Over the millennia, Infernis has overcome many challenges. Our realm saw many decades without true growth, when humans believed only by obtaining peace would they find eternal happiness. You have worked tirelessly in their realm to teach them that not all energies thrive in what Pax can offer. You have helped them embrace their chaotic sides and filled our realm with their wild energies. Our kingdom has grown by leaps and bounds, and, as you all have likely deduced, it is no longer possible for only one to oversee the havoc you create. I am pleased to begin the process of passing my rule to my children, who will continue this new tradition."

Again, the crowd erupts into cheers.

"Never again will another ruler burn out too early. We will be a stronger realm from this day forward. But first, let us bear witness to the eternal bonding of Desideria and Cannon."

I take a deep breath, choosing to ignore the fact that I can hardly fill my lungs, and turn to face Cannon. He's looking at me with narrowed eyes, like he can tell I'm not feeling quite right.

"Desi. Are you sure you're okay?" he whispers, leaning in and gliding the backs of his fingers over my forehead.

I chew my lip and nod. "Yes. I told you, I feel a little light-headed that's all. Just hold on to me."

"I won't let go."

My father drags the back of his hand over his brow and releases a slow breath. He clears his throat once and then twice before saying, "The bonding of two beings should never be taken lightly. It is more than a promise to remain together until your dying day. You are swearing to always look after the other's well being and work together to better our realm. The words you speak today supersede you and extend to all Infernis's inhabitants." My father turns his attention to Cannon and holds his gaze. "Cannon Pierce, do you swear to serve this realm for the rest of your existence, to honor Desideria as your eternal partner, and exalt her as your queen?"

Cannon looks around the room and shifts side to side. His grip on my hand loosens and his words are softly spoken. "I do."

"Desideria, do you swear the remainder of your days to Cannon, to partner with him in your rule as a queen of Infernis, and to place his needs above all others?"

Time stops in that instant. My heart, which had been racing, slows to a crawl, and I swear, I can't breathe. Can I really promise this to Cannon, knowing that my heart will always belong to Jace? Even though I know I can never have him? Can I truly place Cannon's needs above all others?

"I—"

The doors to the throne room fly open and bang against the wall.

"Stop! Fucking stop! Cannon is an angel."