Thirty-three

Thirty-three

DESI

We stay in the tent for I don't even know how long, the wind whipping around us, until I start to shiver even in his arms. He rubs my bare biceps and grabs my sweatshirt and leggings.

"Here, Desi, put these on so we can go back inside and get you warm," he says, pulling his own shirt over his head and placing his glasses on his face.

Nodding, I tug on the sweatshirt and leggings before shoving my feet in my boots and following Jace out of the tent. He offers me his hand and I take it like second nature, trying like hell to ignore the stab of pain that hits my chest when I think about the fact that, after tomorrow, I won't feel his fingers intertwined with mine ever again.

When we get inside, I glance at the clock over the microwave and gape at the time. "It's already after midnight?"

He grins and raises a brow. "We spent a lot of time out in the snow."

"True," I say, covering my mouth as a yawn slips out.

"You're tired," he says. It's a statement, not a question, and I can see in his eyes that he is too. We're both exhausted in more ways than one.

"Yeah," I say reluctantly, glancing up the stairs as I kick my boots off and slip them under the bench in the foyer. "I guess I better get to bed then. We both need a good night's sleep—big day tomorrow. Good night, Jace." I try to sound chipper, but I know that any second I'm going to burst into tears. I lean forward and kiss him on the cheek, turning to go to my room.

His fingers lock around my wrist, and his voice is rough with emotion as he says, "Stay in my room tonight. Please."

I turn around with wide eyes, questioning if I heard him right. Last night felt like an accident; I fell asleep on the floor, so he put me in his bed. I didn't expect him to extend the offer like this. This is a lot for him. An invasion of the space that is his and his alone in a house that he shares with two other people.

"Okay," I say, wrapping my fingers around his.

"Are you sure? Because you don't have—"

"Yes."

He scoops me up and throws me over his shoulder and I giggle, pounding my fists lightly against his back. "Put me down!"

"I will as soon as I get you where I want you," he growls against my hip as he ascends the stairs.

I grin, pinching the roundest part of his backside, and his palm promptly lands on my ass, sending shock waves all the way to my center.

My yelp echoes through the house. "Jace!"

"Oh, I know you can do better than that. Just wait until I get you in my bed."

He enters his room and kicks the door closed behind us. I brace myself to hit his mattress, but he gently lowers me to sit on the edge of the bed. He reaches for the hem of my shirt and pulls it over my head before working me out of my pants.

"Get dressed, get undressed, get dressed all so you can undress me again," I say while laughing.

"This time it's necessary. Let's get you into a hot shower."

The thought of that after being out in the cold—with snow and ice dragged across all my private parts, no less—has me practically salivating. I stand and run my fingers under the hem of his T-shirt.

"Tell me you're getting in with me, or I think I'll pass," I say, standing on my tiptoes and pressing my lips to his neck.

"You're going to pass even after the mess I made of you?" He shifts his hand between us and dips his finger inside me. His thumb brushes my clit and when I hiss, he smiles. "Although, I like knowing you have a piece of me deep inside you."

My knees nearly go weak, but I manage to stay upright. "Fine, I'll admit it. I don't want to be apart from you even long enough to take a shower. Sue me. Now, are you getting in or not? I'll do your back," I say with a wink.

Jace doesn't say another word. He disrobes and pulls me into the bathroom with him. When the water is warm enough to fog the mirrors, he guides me under the stream and sets to work lathering his soap between his hands. I groan when he massages my frozen muscles, starting with my shoulders. He works his thumbs along my spine and down my hips. His front presses to my back and he treats the front of my body with the same euphoric touches.

"We should have done this before today," he says, pressing a sweet kiss to my neck.

I nod. "Absolutely. We should've done this every day." I lean back against him, and he returns to my shoulders. "That is perfect. Don't stop doing that."

He doesn't, and before long I'm stifling a yawn, and his lips are next to my ear. "You're sleepy, princess. Let's go lie down."

I don't want to do that because lying down means bedtime, bedtime means sleep, and sleeping means our day is over and tomorrow will be here far too soon. But I just nod, step out of the shower, and let Jace dry me with one of his big fluffy towels.

After I slip into one of his oversized T-shirts, we hop into bed and click off the overhead light, leaving us in total darkness.

Turning over on my side, I reach out to touch him and find him in the exact same position, already facing me. I run my fingers down his jawline and whisper, "I don't want to go to sleep."

"Me either. Just talk to me about anything, I don't care how mundane it is."

"I always thought it was weird that humans domesticated animals. I felt bad that cats weren't allowed to climb trees and chase after rodents. But now I realize some animals have better lives than some humans. That's strange."

Jace chuckles and says, "I always wanted an owl as a pet, or an Ewok. They would have been fun to hang out with."

"Hades forbid that we go a day without a Star Wars reference."

His arms tighten around me and he kisses the top of my head, pulling me on top of him. "You'll miss it."

Tears fill my eyes and I try to swallow them back, but I can't, and they spill onto my cheeks and his bare chest. "I will. I'll miss everything about you, Jace. That's something I've known since the moment I realized you wouldn't be coming back to Infernis with me."

"I wish . . ." He clears his throat like he's stifling his emotions and tries again. "I wish I was as brave as you, Desi. You ventured into a realm you've never been to and opened yourself up to finding someone to be with you for eternity. I want you to know that I never thought your purpose for being here was a fool's errand. You took the leap to find love and believed it could last forever."

"But I—"

It's on the tip of my tongue to say that it was a fool's errand, that I didn't find it. But that's not true. I did. I found it.

I was too scared to admit it before, but I can't run from it. I'm in love with Jace Wilder. I've been in love with him for weeks.

But I can't tell him.

Why do it now when all it will do is make things harder?

"I'm glad you didn't see me as a fool," I murmur, nuzzling into his chest. "I respect you more than anyone in this realm or any other."

"Your people are lucky to have you. I would have gladly bowed to you as my queen."

"I would have happily stood by your side with you as my king," I whisper so quietly I'm not sure I said the words at all.

Jace stills under me and lets out a long, slow breath. I wait to see if he responds but the room remains silent. It feels like hours pass at a painful crawl. The room is too quiet and the darkness too deep to even pick up a shadow of him. I listen for even breaths or the sound of a snore, but I can't find any clue that he's dozed off. The tears well in my eyes and a sob builds in my chest. It burns, but I push it down.

"I'll regret letting you go for the rest of my life," he finally says, his voice hoarse with emotion.

Then come with me!The voice in my head is wailing, fighting to break free, but I won't beg him. I refuse. He has his reasons. And I have my dignity.

"And I'll feel the void you'll leave in my heart for eternity," I murmur, shifting on top of him, and even in the pitch dark, our mouths find each other like they're magnetized.

I put my all into that single kiss, knowing it's the countdown to our last. We stay suspended in that moment, speaking in whispers, stealing kisses, and touching our fill. It isn't until the dreaded sun beams through the window and the alarm shrieks that our time together officially comes to a heart-shattering end.

We retreat into silence as we get ready for the day ahead—the day that begins the rest of our lives without the other in it. The task of dressing is exhausting, and I can't so much as stomach a cup of tea. Jace carries my bags to the car my father sent for me. I hate the thought of driving away by myself. If only Cannon were here to help distract me from what's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done, but he left sometime yesterday, needing to tie up all his loose ends in this realm.

Jace leans against the counter, watching me arrange the last of my personal items into my oversized purse. His stormy eyes follow my every movement, and his jaw is clenched, like he's holding out on saying our final goodbye. I toss my purse over my shoulder and stand on the other side of the kitchen island.

"Are you sure you got everything?" Jace asks.

No. No, I don't have everything. I'm leaving half of my heart behind with the person who would make the perfect eternal partner.

I force a smile and say, "I think so."

He walks around the island and stands in front of me, placing his hands on my cheeks. "Will you ever be able to come back and visit?" His tone tells me it's a question he's been dying to ask but was too scared to do so.

I draw my bottom lip between my teeth. "Not for longer than a couple of hours or so. As queen I'll be expected to be in my Circle almost all the time. The only reason my brothers were allowed to come up like they did was because they were dealing with me, and they haven't taken full control yet." Cocking my head to the side, I say, "And don't you think it would make it harder? To see each other again for a short amount of time? Would you even want to?"

"I—" He clamps his lips shut and gives a curt nod. "You're right. It would be too hard."

I don't know what I expected him to say, but my belly clenches at his response. I push past the roiling in my stomach and say, "I mean, to go through this again sounds like hell." A tear slides down my cheek.

He wipes it away and pulls me into his arms. "Yeah."

On a deep inhale, he buries his face in the crook of my neck. His hold is so tight that I fight for my next breath, but I wouldn't want it any other way. I hope he holds me hostage and never lets me leave. But of course, he eventually has to let me go.

When we separate, I swear his eyes are misty, but when he blinks, they're back to their normal gloomy hue. I sigh and say, "I have to go. Walk me outside?"

He just nods and intertwines our fingers, leading us out the door and onto the sidewalk to where the car and driver wait for me. The driver opens the door, and I toss my purse onto the backseat, turning back to Jace.

Cupping his cheek in my hand, I bring my mouth to his and press a gentle kiss to his lips.

"Jace," I whisper against his skin. "I have one wish for you. I hope that one day you feel safe enough to open your heart and allow yourself to take a risk and let someone adore you the way you deserve. I want you to fall so deeply in love that you wonder how you ever went so long without it."

Saying these words hurts me to the depths of my soul because that's how I feel about him.

That's how I want him to feel about me.

But he can't right now. And I understand that. But one day, I want that for him. Even if it can't be with me.

He nods and tucks a curl behind my ear.

I can see it in his eyes; he doesn't believe he'll ever know a love like the one I want for him. It breaks my heart to think this man, who has so much to give, will never open himself up.

"I want the same for you. Cannon is a good man, and he'll be what you need. Don't give up on him and let the passion that smolders inside you burn out. That passion is powerful and transforming, Desideria."

You're what I need.

"I won't give up," is all I say, though, because it's time to go. I have to let this man go, let him live his life. I've already disrupted it enough, and even though he says it's been one of the best things that's ever happened to him, he deserves to move on. He has exciting, career-altering changes waiting for him, and I'm just the demon princess who crash-landed on his front porch.

"I'll never forget you. Ever," I whisper, pulling him forward until his forehead rests against mine.

He cups my face in his palms, softly kisses me, and says, "Goodbye, my little hurricane."

What's left of my heart shatters at his feet. "Goodbye, Jace Wilder."

And when I get into the backseat, I have no regard for the oblivious driver when I burst into tears.