29. Rhys

29

RHYS

I had never slept with anyone before Cal. I don’t mean sex, I mean actually sleeping next to them and waking up with them still beside me. It wasn’t something I thought I’d like since I was most comfortable utilizing as much mattress real estate as possible. As with most things Cal-related, he was the exception. I always stayed perfectly tucked into his body no matter the position, and I didn’t sleep well on the few nights we’d been apart.

I woke after a few hours with Cal still spooned behind me, but his softened cock had slipped out at some point. Stupidly, it made me sad not to wake with it still inside me. It was probably a health hazard to have another body part jammed up your backdoor for hours, but I’d risk it for how incredible it felt. It was a different intimacy than sex, just holding Cal inside me as close as we could be emotionally and physically. And I knew intuitively that was what Cal had needed most.

Hearing his screams outside his front door had lanced through me as though his distress was my own. I still didn’t know what had happened with him and his uncle, but the few words I caught hinted at something with his mom. It was one of the only topics I knew of that could send Cal over the edge. I wished I knew what to do to ease his pain, and even more, I wish I hadn’t contributed to it by running away like I had.

A quick glance at my phone told me we’d slept most of the day and it was close to dinner time. I slunk out of bed, careful not to wake Cal who was still out of it and padded into the kitchen. I figured Cal would probably be starving when he got up, so I hunted for enough ingredients to whip up something quick and easy.

Two hands snuck around my waist from behind and I startled. “Easy, easy! It’s just me,” Cal soothed, reaching out to steady the bowl of taco meat I had nearly dropped. “Always so jumpy, sweet boy.” The endearment warmed me from the inside out and I relaxed in his hold.

“Sorry, I didn’t even hear you come in,” I explained sheepishly, looking over my shoulder at him. “How are you feeling?”

“Not great, but definitely better,” Cal sighed. “I’m sorry you had to walk in on that shitshow. It wasn’t exactly how I wanted our day to go when you got back.”

“You have nothing to be sorry about, baby. I hope I didn’t overstep just barging in like that,” I mumbled. Cal took the bowl from my hands and spun me in his arms, wrapping them around me.

“There is no such thing as overstepping with you and you didn’t barge in. You belong wherever I am, sweetheart. And you don’t get just how much I needed you…your timing was perfect,” Cal said, kissing my temple. I nuzzled into his neck, breathing in his spicy, warm scent. Cal tangled his fingers in my hair, using his grip to pull me back to look at him. “Thank you for sticking up for me like you did with him. I can’t imagine that was easy or comfortable to do.”

“Don’t you know I’d do anything for you?” I whispered. His lips brushed mine in a soft kiss, the simple act enough to bring me to my knees. Cal stepped back, his eyes sweeping over my face as though searching for something.

“What’s wrong?”

“Did you mean what you said?” Cal questioned softly.

“Which part? That I’d do anything for you?” I tilted my head in confusion.

“That you loved me.”

I widened my eyes at him, shocked that he felt the need to ask. But I couldn’t say I didn’t understand. I’d noped the heck out of there right after he’d told me how he felt. If the tables were turned, that alone would have stirred up my insecurities more than an anthill poked with a stick.

“Cal, of course I meant it. I’m sorry I said it in kind of the worst possible moment, but I meant it wholeheartedly,” I told him, but his brows remained furrowed. He thankfully didn’t look angry, but more confused.

“Then why did you freak out this morning? What had you so scared?”

“I wasn’t scared!” I scoffed indignantly, but I couldn’t stop the slight tremble of nerves in my voice. I had hoped he’d take my confession at face value and run with it without the need for this talk. Even knowing it was likely coming, I still wasn’t prepared for it.

Cal’s brow perked up on one side, glaring at me knowingly. “Rhys, I know you better than that. You might as well have subtitles on your face for how little you’re able to hide. You were scared. Why?”

I shifted on the spot, unease seeping in. “I don’t know…”

“Since when do we lie to each other?” Cal asked and there was a hint of hurt in his tone.

“I’m not lying!”

“There’s a difference between really not knowing the answer and not being willing to admit it. Tell me what you’re scared of, Rhys.”

A frustrated noise escaped me and I moved toward the living room, but Cal followed close behind. “Why are you pressing this?”

“Because we can’t get past it unless you’re honest with me, so let’s have it. Were you scared of how you felt about me? Did you not think you loved me?” Cal asked.

“What? No! It took me a little bit to accept it, but I know I love you.”

“Then was it me? Are you scared of what I said?”

“That’d be completely ridiculous seeing as I love you back…”

“But it doesn’t mean it’s not true. So is that what it was? Rhys, come on, stop hiding from me,” Cal pleaded.

“Yes, it was you!” I snapped. Cal’s face fell for a second, but his expression schooled quickly into something like resignation. But his eyes were the problem. They were too soft, too understanding, too…full of love. It was wringing me of all the fears I didn’t want to say.

“God, do you…do you even know what it means to love me? Truly? I like to pretend I have my life together, but I don’t. Do you understand what you’d be signing up for? I’m an anxious perfectionist, I can be judgey and prickly, I ramble way too much, I sometimes go off on tangents that make no sense to people, I suck at letting others in because it’s easier to wallow in my problems alone, I’m super weird and obsessive about a lot of things, and I get sucked into things I’m doing to the point I tune out the world for hours. I have a lifetime of scars that never fully healed and that means I overthink things and second guess my decisions, and I get scared as hell about way more than I let on! I am a straight up mess of a human, and you deserve someone who isn’t a neurotic ball of problems after everything you’ve been through. How can you love me like you do knowing…how flawed and damaged I am?” My voice cracked and splintered on my last words, as though it sapped me of all strength to admit. That’s definitely what it felt like.

Cal took a few slow steps toward me, hands out and palms open as though approaching a wounded animal, but his eyes pinned me in place. “You just listed some of the things I love most about you. The fact that you hate them makes me love them even more. I like that you’re messy, chaotic, and flawed like me. I enjoy your rambling and strange obsessions, and I like working hard to be the one you let in. These issues you think you have are only a part of who you are, Rhys, but I’ll still love them for you until you can love them yourself. One day you’ll learn to see what I do.”

My hands shook at my sides, small trembles running through me as his words punctured each of my doubts and fears. “I’m scared…terrified even, that eventually all my issues will become too much. I can’t lose you. I know I can be… a lot to take and I don’t want to drive you away.”

His warm hands slipped up to cup my face, the heat of them contrasting with the cold tears that had slipped out. I leaned into his touch, my eyes fluttering shut from the emotion he dragged out of me.

“Look at me, Sweetness,” Cal coaxed, thumbs sweeping under my lash line until I met his gaze again. “You need to hear me on this, Rhys. I do not need you to be perfect. I didn’t fall for you through a filter. I know who you are. Nothing you do could push me away or make me stop fighting for you. None of your scars could make me love you less.”

A sob caught in my throat sounding strangled and sharp. I couldn’t speak, my throat tight and sore from the deluge of tears that were fighting to break free.

“You think you’re too much, but I can never get enough. I’m the one who is hard to love here, not you, but you never stopped fighting to show me you cared. So even though it scared the hell out of me, I finally accepted what you meant to me and let you in.”

“Do you regret it?” I choked out gruffly.

“Never,” Cal responded instantly. “You’re my saving grace. You faced all my demons and smoothed all my jagged edges, even when I gave you every reason to give up on me. You loved me when I was unforgivable. I don’t regret a second of time spent with you. I regret all the seconds I went without you.”

Cal’s lips slanted over mine, erasing the lingering anxieties and whiting out everything around us. His tongue forced its way past my lips, and I groaned at the feel of him taking what he wanted from me. It was his anyway. Every piece of me was. His kiss burned through me, lighting me up until I was sure I could glow.

“I love you, Cal,” I gasped out when we broke for air. My hands gripped his wrists tightly, holding his own in place on my cheeks. I wasn’t ready to break the connection.

“I love you, Sweetness,” Cal smiled. “Now was that so hard to admit? I’m pretty sure I have a few gray hairs now from waiting for you to fess up.”

An unattractive snort of amusement escaped me at his teasing, but it made me ridiculously happy. I liked that he always broke through any awkwardness or embarrassment, never letting it stew too long. “Well what about you? I’ve never known you to go all overboard with the sugary sweet words like that. You probably gave me diabetes, you Froot Loop.”

“Excuse you, but most people would kill for the swoony shit I just hit you with. I’m like a walking Nicholas Spark’s novel. I think you’d be a little more grateful, Evans,” Cal tsked, running his hands down to my waist and pulling me closer.

“Considering there’s always someone who dies in his books, you’ve probably just marked me for death. Good job. Really doing great at this boyfriend thing, Hawkins,” I muttered.

“Ouch. You get mean when you’re scared. Here I thought it only made you horny,” Cal smirked, palming my butt roughly. A small moan snuck out of me and my cock twitched against his leg, which only made his smirk widen into a wicked grin. “There it is. That’s the sexy little fear slut I know and love.”

I playfully tried to shove him away, but his grip tightened and I groaned as he started sucking on the delicate skin under my ear. “Cal, wait…dinner…f-food…”

He grunted out an annoyed sound, but released me with one last lick to my sensitive skin. “Ugh, fine. But let’s hurry because I want dessert soon,” he groused, squeezing one of my buttcheeks firmly before moving around the kitchen island.

“If you’re lucky,” I snarked, winking at him. But I sobered quickly, feeling guilt trickle into our light moment. Cal of course noticed the shift in me, honing in on every microexpression on my face.

“You okay?” he asked, grabbing for my hand.

“Yeah, I just feel bad that I dumped all that emotional baggage on you after what you went through this morning. That was selfish, making it all about me and my issues.” I nibbled at my lip anxiously, but he tugged it free.

“First of all, it wasn’t selfish because I’m the one who pushed you to talk about it. Second, it helped get my mind off the stuff with Jack, so I’m not complaining. Third, you are my priority no matter what else is going on. Always.” Cal raised my hand and placed a kiss on my palm, causing butterflies to swarm in my stomach. How was he able to elicit such intense reactions from me with the smallest gesture?

The questions I had about what went down with his uncle were on the tip of my tongue, but he gave me a quick peck on the lips and turned to the neglected dinner I had started on before I could ask. “Alright, so what are we making? Put me to work, chef.”

I stifled my curiosity and instead focused on the food. We worked in perfect synchronicity, bobbing around each other effortlessly like we’d done it for years. Cal’s impish streak was out in full force, poking fun at me and flirting the entire time. I hadn’t laughed or smiled so much while making dinner in…well, ever. It was bizarre, considering the emotional strain of the day, but I guessed that was the point. Cal was a pro at avoiding things he didn’t want to deal with, so he turned to what was comfortable, and he’d always found comfort in me. Even when he hated it, we had always radiated on the same wavelength, our chemistry able to overcome anything in its path.

Once the tacos and salad were done, we lounged on the couch with our food while Cal ranted through an episode of Game of Thrones . His reactions were more entertaining than the actual show, and I struggled not to choke on my dinner as laughter bubbled up.

This won’t end well…I can just tell—hold up, that music’s suspect as fuck. Is that supposed…OH SHIT! They’re stabbing pregnant women now?? Why is he just standing there! Ah damn, no one’s making it out of this…yep, another one dead. Those few are definitely dead. She’s dead too. Oh look, more stabbing! Oh snap, did he jus t…oh my god, the wolf too?! Who the fuck does that? These cold ass motherfuckers. Why did you get me into this show, Evans??

By the time the silent credits rolled, I was wheezing with laughter on my side and Cal was sitting stone-faced, staring down the TV like it personally offended him. To be fair, it seemed like it had.

“That was uncalled for,” he deadpanned. “Absolutely unnecessary. Are there even any characters left alive? I mean, let’s face it, they just killed off ninety-two percent of the cast right there. And killed off one hundred percent of any humanity left because that wolf head thing on Robb’s body? That is just sadistic.”

“Yeah, they call it RobbWind in the fandom.”

“THEY NAMED IT?”

Cal’s outrage sparked another stream of laughs from me, apparently contagious as Cal soon broke and joined in. We collapsed on each other in that delirious way when you forget why you were laughing so hard in the first place, but couldn’t stop if you tried. Eventually, we both settled and I had somehow managed to slide in close to him. Cal didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around me, tugging me between his legs and trapping me against his chest. We sat there for several minutes, neither of us speaking. I could practically hear the wheels turning in his head, the distraction of the last hour no longer enough to quiet his thoughts.

“I won’t ask you to talk about it if you aren’t ready, but you know I’m here to listen when you are,” I softly reminded him, absently running a hand over one of his arms draped over me.

“Jack is my biological father,” Cal rasped. I tensed, not expecting that little bomb to be dropped. Everything I could recall about Cal’s dad swirled in my brain, which wasn’t much, but there were a few things that started rapidly clicking into place.

“Your aunt…that’s why she was so hateful to you. He cheated on her and you were the result,” I thought aloud. Cal’s arms clenched around me before he continued.

“I only found out about him a couple months before mom died. I didn’t know Blair knew the truth until she let it slip one night fighting with Jack right after I came to live with them. I had to look up what “bastard” meant online to realize it. I thought mom or Jack had told her, but apparently Blair had figured it out on her own at some point. Anyway, that’s why he was here…he wants to fix our relationship. Finally be a dad or whatever. ”

The resentment and anger were heavy in his voice, but I knew him well enough to also hear what else was hidden there. Hope.

“And what do you want, baby?” I questioned, stroking his arm to wordlessly soothe him.

“I don’t know,” Cal muttered, and I let out a mirthless chuckle.

“Do you really not know or are you just not wanting to admit it to yourself?”

Cal growled at me using his own words against him, but he couldn’t intimidate me anymore. Not when I owned his heart. And he owned mine . I waited patiently as he fought to be honest with me, and more importantly, with himself.

“I’m sick of being an orphan when I don’t have to be,” Cal whispered brokenly. “I hate him so much for abandoning me and not believing me, but…I don’t want to hate him anymore. I want a dad, Rhys…”

I twisted in his grip to face him, and the sheen of tears I saw pierced right into my chest. I slipped my arms around his shoulders, burying my nose in the crook of his neck. He squeezed me to him and I felt his silent tears hit my collarbone.

“You are not weak for wanting to forgive your father. You deserve to have a family again, whatever that looks like,” I assured him. I was reminded of the advice Gran had given me when I struggled to forgive Cal. I never would have imagined he’d need to hear it too. “There aren’t a lot of people who are willing to do what it takes to right their wrongs. Maybe he’ll actually be able to do it if given the chance. You did with me, and look at us now.”

“What if I’m making a mistake letting him back in? What if we can’t get past this?” he wondered hoarsely. I lifted my head, catching those blue and green orbs and seeing the conflict reflected in them.

“I guess you have to ask yourself if what he did was truly unforgivable. Only you know if there’s a way he can heal those parts he helped to break.”

“God, I love you, Rhys,” Cal gasped out, the tears making his voice wet and rough. I kissed him tenderly, wanting to give him what strength I could. He moved back, leaving only a breath of space between our mouths. “He wants me to read my mom’s letter.”

I leaned back, flashing him a confused look. “What letter?”

Cal’s head fell back on the couch arm, staring blankly at the ceiling. “Mom wrote me a letter that I was supposed to read after she passed. But I could never bring myself to do it. I’ve kept it hidden in that children’s book of hers that I told you about.”

I was floored by the new information, baffled as to what the problem really was. “Why didn’t you ever read it? Cal, do you have any idea how lucky you are? I would give anything for a letter from my mom or dad, to have one last message from them. You can’t take that for granted!”

Cal sat up abruptly, dislodging me from the circle of his arms. “Christ, you don’t get it. I don’t want to know what’s in that damn letter.”

“Why not? You already have answers about your dad and your history. What on earth could you read in it that would be so bad?”

He shot up from the couch, an exasperated grunt tearing from his throat. “I don’t want it to change things.”

“Change what?” I demanded, standing to level myself with him.

“I don’t want it to change how I see her,” he bit out angrily. It was as though we were tap-dancing around a vital answer, some truth that was fighting to get out while Cal was fighting to rein it in.

“What are you afraid will happen if you read it? Help me understand!”

“I’m not afraid, I’m fucking pissed! ” Cal cried, the guttural sound tearing me in half. I froze, every fiber of me becoming paralyzed and useless. I could see the walls crumbling around him as his breath sawed in and out of him.

“Cal…” I started, but the devastation on his face cut me off.

“I have been angry at her for so goddamn long,” he started, the confession being forced out through ragged breaths. “I have tried shoving it down for years and telling myself I was okay. But when she died, she abandoned me too. Sh-she didn’t…f-fight hard enough. She l-left me alone and I d-didn’t want to hate her f-for it.” Cal’s stuttered, soggy words hit closer to home than he could imagine. I made a move closer to him, but he held his hand up to stop me.

“No, just…fuck, forget about Jack and forgiving him. What if I can never get past what she did? Mom had an affair and had me anyway. She kept my real dad a secret for fucking years, and then she came clean only because she was dying! And even though she knew she wouldn’t be there to protect me, she let Blair take me in, a constant reminder of their infidelity. Did she not think of what that would do to me? She threw me in the deep end of a fucking Olympic size pool of shit that she and Jack started, knowing I would have to learn to swim without her.”

I ignored the roadblock he threw up with his hand, stepping close enough to take hold of it. I could feel his anguish vibrating into my skin, my body accepting it like I could take some of it away from him. “You are allowed to be angry at your mom for dying,” I said low and firm.

Cal started to shake his head, but I grabbed it and held his gaze intently. “It is okay to be angry at her for leaving you in a horrible position and for lying to you for so long. But baby, you will never move on if you don’t find a way to let that anger in, process it, and let it go. There is no sense in letting your mom’s final words to you go unread when it could very well help you to forgive her.”

He clutched at my waist, the desperation coming off him in waves. “I don’t want to read it. I don’t want whatever’s in there to make me so angry that I forget how much I loved her. I don’t want all the best parts of my mom to be erased by her mistakes,” Cal cried, his face splotchy and wet.

I touched my forehead to his and brought my hand down to his chest, feeling the rapid beat of his heart against my palm. “You and I know better than anyone that love can outlast anger. Your mom was your best friend and you loved her more than anything. That can’t be ruined by a few mistakes that she did her best to make up for. Deep down, you know that. I think this is more about your guilt at feeling angry and betrayed, but you can work through it if you try.”

His shaky breath fanned across my lips. Slowly he nodded his head, moving mine along with him as I leaned on him. “I’m not ready yet,” he said. “But I want to be, eventually.”

A smile tugged at my lips, feeling so proud of him for being willing to lower his shield for even the chance at getting this closure. “That’s okay, baby. You don’t have to be ready. But whenever you are, I’ll be right here with you. You won’t have to do it alone.”

Cal’s body folded around me, hugging me to him with the strength to squeeze the life from my bones. But there was nowhere else I’d rather be. If that was the price of loving him, he was worth every cent of blood and breath I had. As long as it bought me a lifetime in his arms.