27. Rhys

27

RHYS

A persistent alarm sounded, invading the edges of my sleep-addled brain as consciousness trickled in. I stabbed my finger on my phone screen until it finally silenced. Heat smothered my back and I struggled against the iron bar trapping me around my waist. I clawed at it expecting cool, hard metal, but found warm, silky skin. I blinked away the last bit of sleep, realizing that Cal’s arm was secured around me. A dopey smile tugged at my lips and I sank into the deliciousness of his body curled around me.

“Hmm, morning Sweetness,” Cal grumbled, sleep giving his voice a ragged edge. I pulled his hand up to my lips, brushing a kiss against his knuckles that made him rumble happily behind me.

“Morning, baby,” I replied, but I froze as the endearment slipped out accidentally. I had never used pet names with Cal before, assuming he would feel weird about it. I waited, hoping maybe he hadn’t heard it. That, of course, was a demented pipe dream.

“Baby, huh? I could get used to that,” he muttered and I could hear the smile in his voice. “I also wouldn’t mind “sir” from time to time. That could be fun.”

“Like please sir, I want some more? ”

“Ooo, I’d get a real kick out of that in bed.”

“Ew. Weird. You harboring some creepy Oliver Twist kink I didn’t know about? ”

“Here I thought you’d appreciate my literary eroticism, my sweet little nerd,” Cal chuckled, his lips sweeping over the back of my neck and making me shiver all over.

“In that case, I formally request some Khal Drogo role-play for next time,” I teased, tilting my head and giving him better access to nip at my throat.

“Good god, I forgot that show was a book first. So what, you want me to call you Khaleesi and mount you from behind?” Cal chortled, but froze his sensual assault on my skin. “Wait, that could work in my favor…”

I rolled my eyes and twisted in his grasp, turning on my side to face him. “Like you need an excuse to do that,” I smirked at him and he nipped at my bottom lip, sucking it firmly. It drew a helpless noise from me and I leaned into the delicious sting.

“You’re right. I don’t need an excuse to do bad, bad things to your beautiful body.” He rolled over me, covering me with his weight as he planted sweet kisses down my throat to my collarbone. He sucked hard, drawing blood to the surface to leave a possessive mark behind. I bit my lip, stifling my moan. I couldn’t see the mark, but I felt the heat of it as he admired his handiwork, looking satisfied.

“Well that’s just great. Now Micah will see this when I meet him today and the crap-giving will be endless. I just love that for me,” I griped, my brows drawing down in mock annoyance. Cal let out a dramatic groan, falling onto his back with a hard plop.

“Why are you even leaving? Just blow off your roomie and stay naked in bed with me all day. It’s good for your health. A dozen good fucks a day keeps the doctor away.”

“Pretty sure a dozen keeps you in intensive care,” I deadpanned. I wiggled closer to him, snuggling into the crook of his arm where I wished I could stay permanently. “Also I can’t blow him off. We’ve barely seen each other as it is the last couple months. Spring Break starts tomorrow and we’ll both be too busy to hang out.”

“Yeah yeah, just ditch me, why don’t you? I’ll get over it eventually,” Cal whined sarcastically. “How are you feeling today by the way? I didn’t go too rough on you last night, did I?” he checked, caressing the arm I had thrown across his chest.

“Not at all! I mean, I’m a little sore, but it was amazing,” I told him honestly. I leaned back until my gaze locked on his. “Thank you for everything last night, Cal. It meant the world to me that you talked me through it and…didn’t judge me or anything.”

Cal reached up to cup my cheek, smoothing my skin gently with his thumb. “I’d never judge you for anything, Rhys, especially that. You should never feel ashamed for what brings you pleasure.”

“Fin told me the same thing a while ago. Guess it didn’t quite stick,” I shared sheepishly.

Cal narrowed his eyes, biting his lip in thought as he studied me. “Can I ask why it upset you so much? I mean, I can’t imagine what would ever make you think you’re broken. Did something bad happen?”

I struggled to swallow the ball of anxiety that had lodged in my throat. “It’s just crap that happened years ago. It’s not important.”

“That’s bullshit,” Cal argued softly. “Nothing about what you went through is unimportant. Not to me. Gran told me…that you’d been hurt a lot before. She didn’t give me a lot of details, but she said some of it was…physical.”

I ducked my head down and resisted his attempts to tip my chin back up. He must have understood that I couldn’t look at him, instead sifting his fingers through my hair to soothe me. I let out a deep breath, wondering where I even started. This was dredging up issues I had tried to forget for years, but Cal deserved to know all of my rough and jagged parts, just as he had shown me his.

“I mean, it was mostly the stuff you’d expect for a scrawny, nerdy kid in a small town. Kids called me names, pushed me around, stole my stuff. It went on for years, but there were a couple of times things got really bad.” I paused to gather my words, soaking in the feel of Cal’s hand running over my scalp. “Once, this mean girl started some nasty rumor that my parents hadn’t really died, they’d actually left me because I was such a freak. A few months of therapy got me through that one. Another time, some boys in seventh grade cornered me in the locker room and accused me of sneaking looks at them when they changed. They ganged up on me and when I fought back, one of them pushed me to the ground and stomped on my arm. Broke it in two places.”

“Jesus Christ…” Cal bit out under his breath. He was shaking with simmering anger that permeated my skin. I rubbed absently at his chest in an effort to calm him. Cal laid a firm kiss on my temple, squeezing me to him. “Don’t feel like you have to tell me everything if it’s too much.”

“No, it’s okay. I want you to know,” I admitted, and it was the truth. I was sick of holding onto the burdens that weighed on me so heavily. I wanted to lean on Cal and soak in his strength and affection. “The last time was the worst. My freshman year of high school, there was this group of athletes who were real A-holes to me, but one of them tried to be my friend. His name was Kyle. He was a junior, popular, and seemed really nice at first. We started texting every day, talking on the phone about random stuff, and I had started to consider him a good friend.”

The painful memories swirled, and queasiness twisted my stomach at the thought of telling him the rest. I knew without a doubt Cal would never judge me or think less of me, but it didn’t stop that weak feeling from gnawing at me.

“But Kyle was different at school. Around his friends, he’d join in when people made fun of me or threw around gay slurs, and he’d get angry when I called him out on it. Said I was overreacting and didn’t understand how difficult it was for him…like being my friend was such a hardship or something.” I couldn’t mask the bitterness in my tone, thinking of how often he had gaslit and manipulated me.

“What a cunt,” Cal bit out, and I snorted a laugh.

“Anyway, he would always try to apologize later on the phone and promise he’d try to be a better friend. I was such an idiot, but I kept talking to him. Eventually, he got the truth out of me that I was actually gay, that it wasn’t just a rumor. He pushed a bit and I fessed up about my crush on Connor, but I trusted him when he promised to keep it a secret. Kyle asked to hang out one evening so we met up on this walking trail in the woods. He seemed normal, talking and being friendly, but then he pushed me against a tree. He was rough, trying to shove his hands down my sweatpants, and when I fought him he pushed me to my knees…”

“Fuck, Rhys…” Cal said on a strangled grunt. I knew he was thinking about the parallel to our night in the haunted house.

“It’s okay, it’s not what you think,” I rushed to finish. “Kyle told me that he’d out me to the school and tell Connor about my feelings if I didn’t…blow him. But I told him I didn’t give a crap, he could tell who he liked. I figured I should act like I didn’t care and call his bluff. He fi nally got pissed that I wasn’t giving in and left, but I was terrified for a bit that he wouldn’t stop.”

“Did he out you like he threatened to?” Cal ground out.

“Yeah. At least Connor hadn’t believed him about my crush and he stood up for me. I never told him about what Kyle tried to do, only that he had tricked me. It made the next couple years kind of rough being the only openly gay kid, but eventually people moved on. The damage was done though…”

Cal tugged on my hair gently, angling my face up toward his. “That’s why you thought it was wrong that you got off on what we did.” It came out like a statement of fact rather than a question. “That piece of shit was trying to sexually assault you, Rhys. There’s a huge damn difference between that and getting turned on by consensual rough sex. Please tell me you see there’s nothing wrong with what turns you on and makes you feel good…”

I bit my lip, fighting those familiar voices that told me he was wrong, that I was messed up. But they were quieter, dulled under the strength Cal gave me with every touch and every praise. He said I was the strongest person he knew. I wanted to prove him right, to be that for him.

“I believe you,” I whispered.

“I am so goddamn sorry if I ever scared you like that. I didn’t know…fuck, I know there’s no excuse—” Cal stammered out, his forehead connecting with mine as we breathed each other in.

“Shhh,” I cut him off, quieting his guilt. “I forgave you a long time ago. You were right. Nothing about us could ever be wrong. I’ve never felt anything more right or beautiful than when we’re together, Cal.”

Cal crushed his mouth to mine, swallowing my gasp. He cupped my face, tilting my head to deepen the kiss and hold me right where he wanted me. I kissed him feverishly, burning for as much of him as I could get, but he pulled away too soon. I whined, trying to follow him up and recapture his lips, but the look in his eyes stopped me.

“I love you, Rhys,” Cal breathed, those three words making my heart trip over itself. The unrestrained emotion reflected back at me made breathing near impossible. “I’ve felt this way for a while, but didn’t know how to say it. I’ve never…said that to anyone but my mom before.” He gave me a small, nervous smile that did nothing to calm my erratic heartbeat .

“B-but why? I-I mean, how do you know that’s how you feel?” I questioned, my mind racing as those words hung in the air between us.

“Because you have become everything I didn’t know I needed and everything I don’t want to live without. You’re my best friend, the one who knows me on a visceral level and I never thought I’d find that. I am in love with you, Rhys. I exist for you. I draw in breath because you are mine. It may be toxic and crazy, but my heart doesn’t know how to beat now unless it’s beating for you.”

His confession tore through me, ripping apart the foundation of who I was. What was left was the most stripped down, rawest form of me, the person who now existed for Callum Hawkins. He was right, it was twisted and dysfunctional to feel that way, but it didn’t make it less true. That was my reality.

It was too much. I tried to breathe, but the air felt thick like molasses, choking me slowly. Cold sweat beaded at my back, making me feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

“I’m—” I struggled to respond, but my phone alarm pierced the deafening silence again.

Oh sweet thirsty mercy, someone up there loves me! And apparently so does someone down here…NOPE. Just nope. Can’t think about that. That’s a lot of something that’s just a lot and it’s too much and I’m not ready. I cannot deal with that until I’ve had coffee. Yep. Coffee good. Thinking bad.

“I’m gonna be late,” I rushed out, jumping out of bed and grabbing up my clothes.

“Rhys, what the—you’re leaving now?” Cal asked, shooting me a bewildered look. I hopped around, clumsily shoving into my pants and shirt. I could feel Cal’s nerves radiate from across the room, guilt digging into my gut. I wasn’t trying to scare him, but there were too many thoughts crashing together in my head. Too many emotions collided and I couldn’t process them all.

“I’m sorry, but Micah’s waiting on me. We’ll talk later, I promise,” I chimed, heading for the front door. Cal’s hand banded around my forearm, spinning me to face him. The worry and fear I saw there pinched my chest.

“Look, I’m sorry I sprang that on you and it was too much at once, but…please don’t run from this,” Cal pleaded softly. “And even if you don’t feel the same, I’m not going anywhere. I’m in this, Sweetness.”

A wave of emotions rushed over me, and I didn’t know whether to laugh, or cry, or scream. I wanted to answer him so badly, but the words wouldn’t come. I needed space to sort it all out in my head. Sensing my turmoil, Cal gave me a tight smile and grasped my face. He pressed a warm kiss to my forehead, and it almost broke me. I flashed him a smile and darted from the apartment before I crumbled completely.

The four-minute walk to the coffee shop took longer than it should have, but that might have had something to do with me walking by it twice because I was too preoccupied with the chaos in my head. I couldn’t even make sense of what had me so freaked out. I recognized that I was being a melodramatic imbecile. I did, really. Awareness of the issue did nothing to calm my butt down though.

It’s one thing to be in love with someone and try to come to terms with that, but it’s another thing entirely to be ready to hear it yourself. I was still figuring out my own feelings and I hadn’t been prepared to accept that he might feel the same. Even if it was what I wanted more than anything…

With the dissonant thoughts still blaring, I rushed into the coffee shop and straight to the counter to order. The drink came out in record time and I spotted Micah at a table in the back.

“Hey! I am so sorry I’m late! I completely suck! Please don’t be mad!” I blurted as I crashed into the booth. Micah shot me a startled look, shaking his head as if to reset after my frenzied invasion.

“It’s okay! Really! Take a deep breath,” Micah smiled at me, but I saw the concern in his gaze. “You alright? You look a little flustered, and it’s not like you to be late.”

I flushed hot, thinking about what had happened earlier that had me running behind. Of course, that brought on refreshed guilt at how I had basically abandoned Cal after his heartfelt admission and then dirtier memories wormed their way in. Memories of Cal’s hands, his lips, his cock… oh my god, are you kidding me? Get it together, Evans! Stop turning your boyfriend into mental Pornhub!

“Yeah, no I’m good!” I squeaked a little too loudly. “I was just talking to someone and lost track of the time. Anyway, how have things been with you?” I flashed him a wide grin, but it felt awkward and plastic.

“Oooh no you don’t. We’re circling back to you,” Micah countered. “ You’ve been pretty MIA lately and I want to know what’s up. I mean, not to put too fine a point on it, but you look like you just got fucked…and good,” he ribbed. The heat that surged up my face and neck betrayed me because Micah’s eyes widened comically like a Hanna Barbera cartoon.

“Rhys! Holy shit, who is it? Do I know him? Was it good? What happened?” Micah threw a dozen questions at me, floored by the possibilities. He asked about the nameless Lacrosse guy who had been bothering me, and my stomach pitched. Guilt washed over me as I thought about how to answer him. After Thanksgiving break, I had caved and told Micah about Cal’s bullying and even the unpleasant run-in with Griffin. He had been so worried about me that I didn’t want to lie to him anymore, but I downplayed things a bit and didn’t give any details.

I had always planned to tell him everything, especially once Cal and I were together, but he had so many problems this year with the guy he was dating and then with Bash…it never felt like the right time. I wasn’t used to having friends that I could share things with, not before him and Fin. Even knowing Connor for as many years as I did, I kept things from him. It was my natural state to hold things in and deal with them alone. I realized it wasn’t healthy, but bad habits are hard to break, which could be the only explanation for the lies that poured from my mouth at Micah’s rapid fire questions.

“Uhh, you don’t know him. I mean, there’s nothing to know! I didn’t get fu—I didn’t sleep with anyone. It wasn’t anything like that, promise! And the um…Lacrosse guy hasn’t been bothering me. It’s all good. I’m good! Completely good and unsexed over here. I’ve just been trying to get out and live a little, you know?” I couldn’t stem my rambling, the overflow of regret and anxiety fueling my lies.

I could tell Micah instantly felt bad, his face twisting with remorse. “Rhys, I’m so sorry, it’s none of my business. I shouldn’t have pushed. I’m really glad you’ve been getting back out there and you aren’t letting what that douchebag did ruin your junior year. As long as he and his asshole teammate aren’t giving you any more grief, right?”

“I promise, that’s over with. I shouldn’t have any more problems with those guys,” I forced out tightly. “But…thank you for caring enough to ask, Micah. You’re a good friend and I’ve missed you.” I gave him a genuine smile because I had missed my friend. Micah was compassionate and kind, just like Fin, and I had misled him because I wa s an idiot. It was my fault. His comments about Cal and even Griffin were a knife to my gut. I hated that Micah didn’t know how much Cal really meant to me. I hated for anyone to think that Cal was a problem, that he could be anything other than my whole heart.

Clarity struck, so sharp and sure that it cut through the maelstrom in my head and left me reeling from a profound truth. The only truth that mattered.

I was deeply and unequivocally in love with Callum Hawkins. I think I had been for a long time.

My nails dug into my leg under the table, anger at myself rising hot and bitter in my chest. I ran away from him. He had begged me not to, and I let the irrational fear that had swamped me send me running out the door. Cal told me he wasn’t going anywhere, even if I didn’t love him back, but what if I’d ruined that? What if my thoughtless reaction hurt him too much and he didn’t want to waste time on someone who didn’t love him in return? Except I did!

But how is he supposed to know that when you took off like Sonic the freaking Hedgehog? Crap, I screwed up bad. This is not good. In the eloquent words of my sweet friend Micah…oh shitty titties.

I prattled on with Micah, trying like heck to focus on him and how good things were going for him now. He looked so happy and bright, and after all the crap that he’d gone through this year, I owed it to him to keep the attention on him. This wasn’t the time to get into how I’d been foolish and dishonest about me and Cal. That deserved more care than a quick chat in a coffee shop.

And to be honest, I was anxious to wrap this up and get back to Cal. Scared or not, I needed to take this leap with him. Cal felt things deeply and with his whole body, and I wanted to be on the receiving end of a love that powerful and reckless. That’s how I planned to love him in return. Immensely, relentlessly, and with every atom in my being.

Micah and I talked for another twenty minutes, and by then I was vibrating with impatience. As I left the shop, I yanked out my phone and fired off a text to Cal.

Me

I’m so sorry I left like I did. Can I come back over so we can talk?

I promise it’s nothing bad! I have something I want to tell you.

The messages were read almost instantly, but he didn’t respond. I abused my bottom lip, waiting for the three bouncing dots that would show me he was answering. They never came. Call it instinct or foreboding or whatever, but I knew something was wrong. Cal never left me on read. Of course it was possible that he was just busy, but that didn’t feel right. I hoped I hadn’t upset him to the point that he was reconsidering his promise to stay in this with me.

I headed in the direction of his apartment, praying up a storm that he wouldn’t turn me away. Even if he did, I wouldn’t stop until he let me back in.