Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Sophie

Reid definitely wasn’t happy to see me, and truly, I couldn’t blame her. The way things had ended between her and Kaylee was brutal, and I’d just been watching from the window in the living room. I shouldn’t have, but they’d been so loud it had scared me.

Reid had screamed as if she’d been physically hurt and then she’d doubled over, heaving onto the lawn. Kaylee tried to help her, but Reid slapped her away. A short time later she’d stumbled to her car and Kaylee had followed her. She didn’t come back for a long time.

Our parents had been away for the weekend on a retreat, or else they probably would have intervened.

Kaylee hadn’t come home until late that night and when I’d tried to talk to her, she’d yelled at me to get out of her room and wouldn’t stop throwing things at me until I left her alone.

Over the next few days I’d tried to ask her what had happened. From what I’d heard, she had cheated on Reid, but I couldn’t believe Kaylee would have done that. She loved Reid. They’d been perfect together. I’d been so envious of their relationship.

Dating was out of the question for me, being socially awkward and skittish around boys. At the time, I hadn’t known why.

I’d mostly kept to myself, with the exception of Larison. It wasn’t all bad, because I’d discovered a passion for books that was now leading me to getting my MFA in creative writing on the way to hopefully getting a job in the publishing industry.

If I said I didn’t listen for any sounds in the apartment next door the rest of the night, I would have been lying. Every time I heard anything in another part of the building, I jumped. Most of my time was spent unpacking and trying to turn my apartment into a home instead of towers of boxes. I figured as long as I had my bedroom and kitchen mostly done, and clothes to sleep in and wear tomorrow, I could call it a night.

It took much longer than I anticipated, and I knew I wasn’t going to get to my book collection for a while. I’d ordered some bookcases since my new place actually had room for them and I wasn’t going to have to store my books in random wobbly piles or shove them under the bed.

I kept telling myself that I wanted to stay up so I could get more boxes taken care of, but I was staying up to hear when Reid came back. Since she’d left, I’d gone over and over my options and I really thought it would be good to just have a quick chat with her and see if she was okay.

She and Kaylee had broken up years ago, but I didn’t think you got over something like that. Not that I’d know. My own relationships had been lukewarm and short-lived. I hadn’t figured it out until this year. Not that Reid needed to know anything about that.

I just wanted to…apologize? Not exactly that, but something . We weren’t going to be best friends, but it would be good to be cordial, right? What if one of us had an emergency?

While I waited for her to get back, I practiced what I might say. It was something I’d done for as long as I could remember. Whether it was a presentation for school, a phone call, or a conversation with a friend, I always thought about what I’d say ahead of time. So often when I’d be with someone my mouth would get ahead of me and spoke before I thought, and it had gotten me into many sticky situations.

That couldn’t happen with Reid. I needed to keep things short and sweet and let her know that I would give her her space, but if she needed anything, she could knock on my door. I could be a good neighbor.

I wasn’t going to bring up Kaylee.

As if she’d heard me thinking her name, I got a message pretty late that night from Kaylee asking if I was all moved in. She must have just seen all the messages in the family group chat.

After everything had gone down with Reid, Kaylee had moved across the country to go to school in California and she’d ended up staying, getting a job as a foley artist after she graduated. Her work was seriously cool, and she was engaged to her longtime girlfriend. She was happy, and I hoped Reid was. Not that it was any of my business, but I needed to know that she’d recovered from what had happened.

Kaylee had admitted how wrong she’d been years later and she’d wondered if she should reach out to Reid, but had decided it was wise not to open old wounds.

I didn’t necessarily agree with her on that. Reid probably had moved on, but I still felt the need to try and smooth things over. In the service of being a good neighbor.

When I finally heard Reid come back that night, I almost died tripping over boxes in my effort to press my ear against the wall.

This was an older building, so the walls were pretty thin, and I could hear her moving around and then turning on the shower.

Yeah, I didn’t need to be listening to that, so I stepped back, blushing as if she’d caught me.

I’d approach her tomorrow. If most of my shit wasn’t in boxes and I actually had groceries, I would have made her cupcakes as an excuse to go over.

That was okay. I could order some. I tried to remember what she’d liked back when I knew her, but it wasn’t like she and Kaylee had let me hang around a lot. Hmmm. I’d just have to cross my fingers and get an assortment and wish for the best.

Tomorrow. I’d handle all that tomorrow.

I absolutely collapsed that night and when I woke up the next day it was almost noon. Shit. I hadn’t meant to sleep that late, but I’d stayed up to wait for Reid and now I was dealing with the consequences. I was also so sore from unpacking, especially my shoulders. Groaning as I got up, it hit me that I hadn’t taken a shower last night and I was feeling pretty gross.

First order of business: shower. Second, food. Third, Reid.

It was a pain navigating a new grocery store, but I guess I’d figure it out eventually. It was a different chain than the one closest to campus that I was used to, and they didn’t have some of my favorite things. There was a good bakery, and I found a box of four different flavor cupcakes that I could take to Reid. For a moment I thought about getting her a card, but what the hell kind of card could I get? They didn’t make cards for this kind of situation.

The cupcakes would have to be enough.

By the time I put everything away in my cabinets, it was late afternoon and I was starving again so I ripped open a bag of salad and didn’t even bother to put it in a bowl. Just poured on the dressing, gave it a shake, and started stabbing at it with a fork.

Before I went to talk to Reid, I went to check myself in the mirror I’d set up in my bedroom to make sure I was presentable before putting my ear to the room next door to make sure she was home. I heard the water turn on, so she must be there.

Carrying the cupcakes with shaky hands, I left my apartment and knocked on Reid’s door, my stomach doing all kinds of anxious gymnastics.

Reid opened the door with narrowed eyes, and I tried to remember the words I’d practiced, but my mind absolutely blanked.

“Uh, hi. I just, um, wanted to bring you these?” Shit. I was doing that thing where I made everything sound like a question. My face flamed red as I presented the cupcakes to Reid.

“What the hell is this?” Reid asked.

“Cupcakes?” Her eyes narrowed even further, until they were barely slits.

I opened my mouth to say something and then closed it again. I needed to think.

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry for whatever happened in the past and I hoped that we could be cordial to each other and if you need anything, you can knock on my door. Like a cup of sugar or something. Or a tampon. I buy the multipacks so I always have those. Or pads. I’ve got a lot of pads.” It took me too long to shut off the flow of words from my mouth and I knew right then that I’d said too much.

Like usual.

My entire body was one big blush and I wished she’d just take the cupcakes from me so I could run back to my apartment and die of mortification in peace.

“I don’t want your cupcakes,” she said, and then the door was shut in my face. I heard the lock click.

“Okay,” I whispered and went back to my apartment. That was a bust, but at least I had all the cupcakes to myself now?

I didn’t see Reid again for a few days, but I thought about her. All. The. Time. It was so bad that even Larison noticed when I kept zoning out during our regular video chats.

“Is there something going on that I don’t know about?” she asked me, leaning closer to her screen so she could squint at my face, pushing her glasses up her nose.

“No,” I said. I hadn’t told her about the Reid situation. Mostly because it was really freaking embarrassing. I’d tried to make amends and she’d shut the door in my face, but I might have made the whole thing worse. Thinking that I’d caused her pain made me sick to my stomach.

“Sophieeeeee,” Larison said in her mom Voice. It was Friday night and Juniper was already in bed so we could talk without being adorably interrupted.

“Don’t use that tone with me,” I said, pointing my finger at her.

“Then tell me what’s wrong and I won’t have to.”

She raised one eyebrow and smirked at me.

I sighed. “Fine.” I gave her the rundown of everything, including the cupcake disaster.

“Aw, my poor Soph. You tried to do a good thing and it blew up in your face.”

“Pretty much. And now I feel like I should definitely leave her alone. Like, the message was clear. Should I pretend that I don’t see her? Should I say hi?”

Larison blew out a breath. “I think you try to be cordial and don’t overthink it.”

I snorted.

“Not easy for you, my love, but I don’t think you need to worry about this as much as you are. You’re not the one who cheated on her. You were literally just there. And you tried to be nice and she let you know that she doesn’t want to have any further contact. So it’s time to drop it and move on.” I knew she was right, but that didn’t stop me from still wanting to do something to fix it.

“Did you tell Kaylee?” Larison asked.

“Uh, no. Absolutely not. I didn’t want to dig that up for her either.” Even though my sister had been the one who’d absolutely fucked up, it was still something she wasn’t proud of and something she didn’t like bringing up.

The best course of action was to drop all of it, pretend that Reid and I were strangers, and move on with my life. I had my part-time summer job and one online summer class I needed to stay focused on. I still had one year left in my masters and then I’d finally be ready to start working in publishing.

This summer I was also hoping to find some work online, maybe an internship or something. Those were so competitive, and many of the jobs were in New York, but I was hoping I could stay in Maine and have a good career. Time would tell. I hadn’t exactly figured out what facet of publishing I wanted to narrow in on. I just…couldn’t decide. It would feel so final. As if once I made the decision, I’d have to give myself to that thing one thousand percent and I wouldn’t be able to change my mind.

It was a worry that I hadn’t shared with anyone, not even Larison. I guess I was so scared of making a wrong choice and being judged for changing my mind if I chose wrong.

Juniper woke up and Larison had to put her back to sleep, so I let her go and lay back on my bed.

Since it was Friday night in my new place, I probably should have gone out or something, but I didn’t like going to regular bars alone anymore. I’d never been good at saying no to guys when they asked me out and now it was even worse so I tended to avoid places where it might happen.

There was a sapphic bar nearby, but I definitely wasn’t ready to go there. No way. I was still wrestling with the revelation that I was queer and could barely use the word “lesbian” in my own head, let alone out loud. The fear that the Label Police would show up to my door and arrest me for not being a “real” lesbian was ridiculous, but it didn’t stop me from thinking something like that could happen.

When they checked your ID at Sapph, did they require you have a carabiner on your belt? Did you have to name three sapphic musical acts? Did they check the length of your fingernails? I had no idea and the uncertainty was probably making my anxiety worse, but that was how I’d always been.

When I’d told Larison in January that I didn’t think I was straight she’d just smiled and told me she’d known the whole time and had been waiting for me to figure it out. She’d come out as bisexual years ago, and I’d joke about being her token straight friend then. Oops.

I’d burst into tears and hadn’t been able to stop crying. Telling my family had been a little less dramatic, but they’d taken it in stride since Kaylee had paved the way for me years ago. It was almost a nonevent. All of my stress about telling them had been for nothing, but that was how anxiety worked most of the time. Rarely was it rational.

Someday. Someday I’d be brave enough to go to a queer bar and someday I’d be bold enough to go to Pride, but I wasn’t there yet.

Baby steps.

Instead of going out and painting the town red (whatever that meant), I was in bed and missing my best friend and goddaughter and trying to decide what to read. You’d think that having to read so much for school would make me want to do anything besides reading in my free time, but that wasn’t the case. I had my pleasure reading to decompress from my school reading.

Right now I was in the midst of a steamy sapphic vampire novel and alternating that with a very sweet gay hockey romance. I knew literally nothing about hockey but fortunately that wasn’t a problem.

I opened the hockey romance on my ereader before I realized that I needed a snack and maybe some tea. I’d treated myself to a new kettle when I moved in, so I filled it up and waited for the water to heat while I put together a little plate with cookies and crackers and cheese and olives.

“Wild night,” I said to myself as I settled into bed with my snacks and my book. To really create some ambience, I got up and put on a record. Kaylee had gotten me a turntable for Christmas a few years ago and now I collected records. My new neighborhood had an amazing vintage record store down the street and I’d already visited and spent too much money.

Between the music and the snacks and the book, I had everything I could need.

Didn’t stop me from listening for any sounds from next door. I’d been noticing what time she left, trying to figure out her schedule so I could avoid her. She seemed to go out late in the afternoons sometimes and then get back very late. Sometimes I’d wake up when I heard her come back. My bed was shoved up against our shared wall with what I assumed was her bedroom on the other side, and she wasn’t the quietest when she arrived home. From her job, I was guessing? Graveyard shift or something. That made me curious to know where she worked and what she was doing.

I’d looked for her on social media, but her pages were so sparse and she barely posted anything so there were no answers there.

I hoped she didn’t hate me. I just… I didn’t want her to hate me.