Chapter 24

Sen

Sucking a dick was a lot scarier in theory. In reality, it was beautiful in its own way. Maybe it was more about the sounds Kai made and the fact that I brought him pleasure. I'd never felt such satisfaction from any kind of sex, and this one wasn't even about me.

It turned me on so much that I struggled not to jack myself off while I did it, but the last thing I needed was to leave cum inside of a Halloween attraction. What if it became a crime scene at some point? I could be implicated. I'd probably get an indecent exposure charge and be known as the guy who came in a haunted house. No thanks.

On the walk back to the car, I felt giddy. The mask was hot after going on rides and through attractions, so after I confirmed that there was nobody in the parking lot, I raised it to rest atop my head.

"Do you mind if we go to this stupid frat thing?" Kai asked. "I want to check on West."

"I'm fine with it. Just…"

"Yeah, we'll be discreet. Don't worry. No blowjobs in dark places."

My cheeks heated, but I smiled. With our fingers threaded together, I felt light and free. Technically, I was anything but free, but this was better than anything else that had happened in my life. I was in awe that Kai felt this way about me too. He was insanely patient and always understood when I needed to take a step back. I couldn't ask for a better person to explore my truth with.

"Sen?"

I froze, my entire body going tense.

No, no, no.

Kai squeezed my hand. It reminded me that we were in public, holding hands, and I wasn't wearing my mask. If I lowered it now, would he believe that it wasn't me?

"Hey, who are you?" Kai asked.

Derek came around his side to stand in front of us. I watched in horror as his eyes landed on our interlocked hands. I gagged, tasting cotton candy when I almost threw up. Kai looked concerned, but he clearly didn't know what to do given my stupid boundaries.

"We have to go," I blurted, tugging on his hand.

"Sen," Derek called. "Let's talk for a minute."

I kept walking, all but dragging Kai with me. Realistically, it didn't matter that much. I had no obligation to abide by Derek's therapeutic bullshit, but it brought other things into focus, like the fact that I was lying to my dad about my sessions. He'd figure that out eventually. How long could I keep this a secret? I couldn't imagine a scenario where I told my parents that I was gay and wasn't going to try changing it. Up until now, I was kind of hoping I'd graduate and never talk to them again so it wouldn't be an issue, but that was two years from now. Four if I got my master's degree.

What was I doing? This was a disaster.

Kai opened the passenger door for me. "Who was that?"

"Nobody."

He set his jaw but went around to his side without argument. While we headed toward what I assumed was the party, my leg bounced rapidly. I kept seeing Derek's face, the shock and disappointment. There was some disgust in there and no matter how much I tried to fight off what they'd ingrained into me, I felt some of it as well once I was caught.

Caught. That made it sound terrible, like I was doing something truly wrong. I didn't believe that anymore, but my head was all messed up. I just wanted to go back to Kai's room and be with him alone where I didn't have to be afraid of anyone.

We pulled up to a huge, two-story house with bright lights and loud music playing. There were people outside and up on balconies. I could smell the booze as soon as I opened the door.

"Should we split up?" I asked.

He eyed me for a moment. "Okay, I'll go upstairs. That's where the grosser stuff will probably be. Be careful, please."

I nodded. He quickly ran his thumb over my lower lip before we separated. It still felt like there was heat there as I turned in a circle, scanning the mass of bodies. This wasn't my idea of fun. There were far too many people. Too many eyes to see everything you did.

My hands were sweaty, so I rubbed them on my jeans. Someone bumped into me from behind, but when I turned around, they were already gone. This was my version of hell.

I started to walk through the crowd, quickly looking at each face that was attached to someone West's size. Some of the football players were easily recognizable. I went up to one and got his attention.

"Do you know where West is?"

"With some girl last time I saw him."

"Okay. What girl?"

He gave me an annoyed look before he went back to his conversation.

If West was with a girl, he might've been upstairs, in which case, Kai would find him. As far as I knew, we were only here to make sure he wasn't picking a fight with the senior quarterback, Lincoln. I didn't really know anything about him, but they had beef for some reason. From the talk we had about it, I thought it might just be insecurity or competitiveness.

I wandered into the kitchen and was hit with a cloud of smoke.

"Sorry," a guy said, waving his hand as if that would help.

"It's fine."

"Want a hit?"

I eyed it, considering. There were a few times in high school that I'd smoked weed, but I never made it a habit. I had mild anxiety and it just seemed to make it worse at first. After a while, I chilled out, but the journey to get there wasn't worth it.

"I'm good. Just looking for a friend here."

"I can be a friend." He flashed me a sultry smile. His blue eyes were glassy and I was sure he was fucked up on more than some marijuana.

When I didn't respond, he stepped closer. I sucked in a breath as a fresh wave of fear hit me. He was hitting on me. I didn't have any interest in him, but it ignited that intense feeling of wrongness that had plagued my mind for so long.

His hand touched my chest, then trailed lower. I shook my head, but he either didn't notice or didn't care. Setting my jaw, I swatted his hand away.

A large figure appeared beside me, the smell of juniper cutting through the booze and weed. The guy with the joint glanced at Kai and smiled coyly.

"Hey, you're on the football team."

He stepped closer to me. Kai suddenly fisted his shirt and thrust him backward.

"Yeah, I am on the team," he said, a dark tone to his voice. "And I suggest you get the hell out of here before I put your head through a wall."

"Jeez. What did I do?"

I didn't know what he saw in Kai's eyes, but he looked at me with a tinge of fear, then picked up the dropped joint. He hurried past us with it hanging from his lips.

"You look sick," Kai noted, taking my face in his hands.

I turned away, all too aware of the people around us. "Did you find West?"

"No. He won't answer the phone, either."

"Maybe he went home already."

"Maybe." It didn't sound like he believed that.

"We can keep looking."

"No, I just want to go home."

Just then, there was a commotion in the living room. Kai bolted in that direction and I followed. People had cleared from the middle of the room slightly, giving us a view of West, who shoved on Lincoln's chest.

"God damnit," Kai growled, pushing through the crowd.

"Touch me again, Densmore," Lincoln challenged. "See what happens."

The smile on West's face spoke of too much alcohol and even more stupidity. He charged forward, but Kai got in-between them, grasping West's shoulders firmly.

"We're leaving."

West pushed him away, making him stumble. I immediately jumped into action, appearing at Kai's side.

"Take your puppy," Lincoln said, waving a hand at West before he turned away.

"Puppy," West roared. He tried to go for him again, but Kai blocked him.

"Stop. Don't make me carry you out of here."

He looked at Kai, then at me. "Why are you guys together? I thought you were going to the carnival alone."

"Obviously, I needed backup. Let's go."

West swung at him, clipping him in the cheek. The punch was sloppy and only made Kai's face wrench to the side. He shook his head and returned the hit. His was significantly better and nearly knocked West off his feet.

Kai threw him over his shoulder and headed for the door. West beat at his back and shouted curses the whole way. With everyone's eyes on us, my cheeks were hot, but I reminded myself that they were looking at him. He was the one acting like a drunk fool.

As soon as he was dumped into the backseat, he laid down and rolled so that his back was to us. Kai slammed the door, then opened mine before he headed around to the driver's side. I could tell that he was beyond pissed.

"At least we stopped him from getting into a fight," I offered, trying to be helpful.

Kai's fingers gripped the steering wheel harder as he pulled onto the street. "Yeah."

I reached over to touch his cheek, but he angled his head away from me. That simple move felt like a punch to the gut. I sunk into my seat a little more and, against my will, my mind started replaying the events of the night.

It had been good. Really good. Until it wasn't.

When I was with my girlfriend in high school, I hadn't thought much about a breakup. It didn't feel like it mattered. I was struck by fear over the possibility now. This was the first time I'd felt anything like this. Kai said he was attached, but he wasn't the only one. And it was more terrifying than I could have imagined.

It didn't take long for us to get back to campus. We both got out of the car without a word. I thought Kai would carry West again, but he grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet, wrapping an arm around his waist to keep him steady as we walked to the dorm.

I glanced over at him periodically. His face was a stone mask, unmoving and unreadable. When we made it to his door, West was grumbling about the ‘hike' and saying something about Lincoln's ‘stupid fucking face.' In essence, he was a horrible drunk.

For a minute, I watched Kai get him into his bed. I didn't want to see what was on his face when he was done, so I backed out of the room and went into my own. I wasn't sure if I was overreacting or reading too much into things, but this was one of those times when I wanted to cocoon myself under the covers, so that was what I did.

If you follow these urges, you'll get AIDS.

Being gay will turn you into a drug addict.

Putting my hands over my ears didn't get rid of the voices. I could still hear Ms. Tabatha saying them to us three years in a row. Three months there, nine months at home, then back again.

Derek's disgusted face. My father's disappointment. What if Derek told him? Allegedly, he couldn't do that, but I didn't believe that someone like him would abide by that. He was affiliated with the Dumont program, one of their counselors in an official capacity. They operated by their own set of rules, which were unquestionable in their eyes.

Rolling onto my stomach, I covered my head with my arms. I was so broken. At this point, I didn't know if it was the way they told me or if they had broken me. Either way, I wasn't whole.

How could I be worthy of someone like Kai? He was perfect, beautiful, strong… Somehow, he was all the things I'd been taught a man was supposed to be, except he was gay.

I was confused. I was broken. I was tired.

You can never be happy like this.

My son will not be some disgusting deviant.

Homosexuals become child molesters.

I screamed into the pillow. It morphed into a sob that felt like it tore apart my chest.

Maybe Travis had the right idea back then. I'd thought about it a few times over the years, but I clung to that hope that I could somehow be normal. Things could get better or they could become so much worse. Did I want to find out?

Maybe.

Not really.