Chapter 10
Kai
People-watching was underrated. Maybe it was creepy, but I enjoyed imagining what they were thinking about or where they were going. If they were having a conversation, I made it up in my head. Sometimes, it was funny. Really, what was the difference between this and watching people on my phone? One was fabricated while the other was organic and, once in a while, it was raw.
From my place at my bedroom window, I could see most of the courtyard. Right now, I had my eyes on a man and a woman who were walking languidly underneath the cherry blossom trees. They looked mostly content. I wondered if they knew each other well or had met recently. Maybe this was a sort of date. Internally, she could be screaming for somebody to save her.
His hands waved through the air as he spoke, probably about the horror that was the live-action Dragon Ball movie back in the day or how there should be age limits to run for office. I agreed with both of those things, so I could be projecting my own thoughts.
There was a girl sitting on one of the benches and every so often, she lifted her head and looked around. Was she waiting for someone or was she being forced to meet with someone here so that she could plant a bomb in the library? It could be anything.
I continued scanning the area for something interesting. My eyes caught on a familiar face storming through the courtyard. His hands were balled at his sides and as he drew closer, I could see his mouth moving. He must've been on the phone unless he had a habit of talking to himself.
Sen's face looked as tense as the rest of his body. The conversation must not have been about his interest in dirt bikes. I bet he looked significantly happier when he was on one of those.
He threw his hands in the air just before he was out of sight. I moved away from the window and cracked my door, not enough that he'd notice. After a minute, I heard his voice coming down the hall. He sounded pissed.
"No. I said no… Why?... You said I should see how I feel about it. That's what you said… That's not fair… I don't care if I sound like a child!"
I gripped the door handle tightly as he passed by. He fumbled with his keys before he aggressively unlocked the door.
"Why can't you ever trust me? I know there's something wrong with me! That doesn't mean you can just…"
My wall shook when he slammed the door. I stood there for a moment, unable to shake what I'd heard. It reminded me of the arguments West had with his parent, although his had been worse. The tone of his voice was what concerned me. It was a similar anger mixed with desperation and pain. Even though I didn't know for sure, I had a feeling Sen was talking to his parents.
I pulled out my phone and ordered some food to be delivered. After I gave myself a minute to decide whether it was a bad idea, I left the room and stopped in front of Sen's door. What was the worst that could happen?
After I knocked, there was a loud shuffling sound. He swore, then appeared in the doorway. His brow furrowed when he saw me.
"Hey, Kai. What's up?"
"Not much. I haven't seen you since class on Friday."
"That was only two days ago."
"Well, we didn't get a chance to talk. Haven't really said anything to each other since lunch last week, actually."
He regarded me carefully, still gripping the edge of the door.
"So, I ordered a bunch of food," I went on. "West was supposed to come by, but he got caught up doing other things. You hungry?"
"I don't know. Not really."
"You gotta eat. Don't let stress kill your appetite."
"I'm not stressed."
"Of course you are. All of us are. To be honest…" I moved closer, leaning my forearm against the frame. "I'm a stress eater, so you'll either need to share the food with me or physically restrain me when I go for a twelfth taco."
His brow raised. "How much food did you order?"
"Enough to feed a small army or two growing boys."
With a sigh, he opened the door wider. I flashed him a grin as I strode into the room.
There was a thing about men at any age, but especially young adults. When you walked into their room, you had to be fully prepared to become immersed in the stench of death and trash. Generally, there would be dirty clothes strewn everywhere. Not everyone was like that, but I'd met my fair share. Sen's room wasn't incredibly tidy, but it smelled clean and I hadn't tripped over anything yet, so I breathed a sigh of relief as I dropped onto his bed.
Lying back on the mattress, I stared up at the ceiling. It was noticeably quiet, so I glanced over at Sen. He was standing beside the bed with his hands in his pockets and wearing that terrified expression again.
"Sorry. I'm probably imposing here."
"No," he replied quickly. "It's… fine."
I smiled again and he looked toward the window. I was starting to feel like West with my need to be liked by this guy. He was like a nut I was struggling to crack. The more I tried, he just seemed to reinforce himself further. I was about ready to bring out the sledgehammer.
Sitting up, I looked around the room. He didn't have anything personal in here. His suitcase was open on the floor, still packed as if he'd been taking clothes out as he needed them. On the desk, there was a laptop and a notebook, but that was it. There weren't even any pictures. No family, friends, scenic views or anything.
"Do you miss home?" I asked.
He rolled the desk chair closer and sat in it. "Sort of, I guess."
"Tell me what you don't miss."
His head cocked as he thought about it. I watched him tug on his lower lip with his teeth before he leaned forward.
"Lack of privacy. My parents are a bit overbearing."
"Have they given you space since you got here?"
"No," he scoffed. "They're on my ass."
"I'm sure it comes from a good place."
His eyes met mine. There was something dark there and if I knew he'd be comfortable with it, I would've pushed for more.
"What about you?" he prodded.
My phone chimed and I held up a finger. I opened his door and found the delivery person standing in front of mine.
"It's for me. Kai Adler."
He nodded and handed me the bag without a word. I settled back on the bed and dumped out the contents, then tossed him a taco. After I'd eaten two of them, I came up with an answer to his question.
"The familiar. I like that there are new things here. Different people, street names, weather. Some people feel comfortable surrounded by recognizable things, but I like this. I've lived in the same house my entire life and now… I don't know, I feel like I can explore exactly who I am."
"You seem like you already know who you are," he noted.
"Sure, but maybe it's like fine-tuning myself. We're always growing, morphing into a different version of ourselves. Sometimes, it resembles the previous one, but I think some of the best metamorphoses are the big ones. You can never truly know who you are until you've been alone with yourself."
"Why do you think that? Aren't we supposed to be our best selves when we're around people we love?"
"No, I don't think so. When things are hard, who do you criticize the most? Yourself. Having to face all the shitty parts when there's nobody around to influence your perceptions has to result in us finding our most authentic self, right?"
He leaned back in his chair. I tried not to stare, but I wanted to read something on his face. Anything. I wondered if I'd gone too philosophical on him.
"Or we learn to hide from ourselves," I continued with a shrug. "I think a lot of us go that route too."
"Do you?"
"Hide from myself? Sure, in some ways."
"All I see is you being proud of who you are and not being ashamed."
I offered him a smile. "I don't hide from others, but that doesn't mean I'm always as self-aware as I should be."
"How do you do that?" His question was so soft that I almost didn't catch it.
"What do you mean?"
"How do you figure out who you are confidently enough to broadcast it to the world?"
"Uh, I don't know. My dad has always been my number one fan in everything that I do. That's a parent's job, or at least it should be. I know not all of them are that way."
I thought about West's dad. Meeting him might have been the greatest eye-opener for me as a kid. Suddenly, I was struck by how lucky I was. Even though my dad was sick and I'd been losing him for seventeen years, I had more good memories than West ever would. I became who I was because of endless love and support, whereas he had to fight tooth and nail to grow into someone with a heart like his. Not everyone was so lucky. Bitterness and hate had a way of growing like a cancer inside of someone. He still fought every day and I respected the hell out of him for it.
"Are you coming to the game on Friday?" I asked when he didn't respond.
"I don't know."
"Me and West need another person cheering for us."
Finally, he smiled. "I'm sure you both have a whole fan club in the stands."
"Doesn't mean as much as having a friend out there."
"Fine, but I expect a good seat."
I snorted. "Stick with me and you'll never go hungry."
He pursed his lips to hide his amusement. "Isn't that Scar from Lion King?"
"It doesn't matter. He made a good speech."
"So did Hitler."
I threw a taco at him and it exploded out of the wrapper, covering him in meat, lettuce, and the works. When he tried to toss it back, I dodged. It splatted against the wall and made a mess of his comforter, but we both laughed.