23. Chapter 23

Chapter twenty-three

Sammy

M y room is spinning. But I still feel sad. This vodka is useless. I need something else. Something stronger. But this stupid house is out in the suburbs and it's a long walk to the shady parts of town. And I'm out of cash.

Goddammit.

Every five minutes I'm finding myself standing here, staring at my door, expecting Blue to come check on me.

But he can no longer feel when I'm sad. He can't sense me at all. And his comforting presence that was in the back of my mind at all times, is gone. Now I feel lonely in my own head. Which is absurd.

I take another swig of vodka from the bottle. It doesn't even burn anymore. Not even five seconds of physical pain to distract from my emotional agony. This is pointless.

My chest hurts. I feel like I'm dying. Lord knows I've had my heart broken before. But nothing has ever felt like this. I don't know how I'm supposed to get over this. The wound is too deep to ever heal.

Jesus fucking christ. It wasn't even real. It was never a true relationship. Blue was straight up about that. It was never anything more than a magical mishap. And now it has been fixed.

I should be celebrating. I'm free. So is Blue.

We can continue with our friendship without any stupid mate stuff confusing things and muddying the waters. We'll be best friends and nothing more. Blue is wonderful. We get on like a house on fire. He simply doesn't see me that way. And why would he? Why would anyone? Jeez. I wouldn't want me. I'm a nightmare.

Besides, it might not even be personal at all. Blue doesn't see anyone that way. It's all fine. Everything is fine.

A loud sob echoes around the room. I rub at my chest. Oh lord. I feel so empty. So hollow. Like there is a big dark splodge of nothingness inside me and it's slowly, inexorably spreading and growing. Devouring all of me.

Maybe I'm not being a wuss? What if something went wrong with the spell? Oh shit!

Fear spikes through me, and suddenly I'm staggering out of my room and through the house. I reach Ned's room first, so I burst through it.

Ned looks up from tying his shoelaces.

"I feel like I'm dying!" I exclaim. "Did you guys mess up the spell?"

I stagger, and suddenly Ned is right in front of me, taking my elbow and steadying me. Damn. Vampires really are fast.

He checks I can stand on my own, then he leaves me to shut his bedroom door.

"The spell worked just fine," he says.

The calm and assured way he says it is soothing. I trust him, but damn it. If the spell is fine, that means all this hurt is all mine. And I don't want to be a dramatic bitch. I want to be someone who has all their shit together. Rolls with the punches and all that. Lands on their feet every time.

I wave my very nearly empty vodka bottle in the air. "Shouldn't you check?"

His dark eyes narrow at the bottle. "How much have you had?"

"Not enough," I grumble.

A splash of bright color on the wall catches my attention, so I weave my way over to it. I peer through my blurry vision, but I'm pretty sure Ned's wall is plastered with kids' drawings. And that's surprising enough to blast away my self-pity and switch my focus to this new bright and shiny thing.

"What the hell?"

Ned comes to stand beside me. "They are gifts from my great-great-grandkids."

I swivel my head to look at him. He barely looks twenty. Presumably that was how old he was when he died. Which means he had kids hella young. But hey, I'm not one to judge. According to records, my own parents were teenagers. Besides, times were different back then. I assume.

"They think you're just the manny?" I ask

Ned rolls his eyes. "Nanny."

I giggle at him. I knew he was a squishy marshmallow. I move my arm to poke him, but it makes me lose my balance and I stagger into the cabinet that's under the drawings. A framed picture topples over.

"Oops!" I exclaim as I pick it up.

It's a lovely photo of a good looking, mid-thirties man in a dark suit. Three young children are draped over him and he is grinning broadly at the camera, flashing perfect white teeth.

"That's them," says Ned.

I narrow my eyes at the vampire. I'm on to him. Nobody, absolutely nobody, keeps a framed picture of their boss. I'm sure there are plenty of other photos of the kids.

"You fancy him?" I slur.

Ned glares at me, but his cheeks turn adorably pink. I didn't even know vampires could blush. It is so cute and adorable.

"Wait, isn't that incestuous?" I ask, as the connotations sink into my addled mind.

Ned's glare intensifies. It's now the same force as a thousand suns. He is going to turn me to dust with a look.

"He's the widower of my great-granddaughter! We aren't blood related at all! "

I hold my hands up in surrender. Vodka in one hand, photo frame in the other. "Alright. Alright." Annoying a vampire is probably a stupid idea. Even a squishy marshmallow one like Ned.

Ned huffs as he snatches the photo from my hand and places it reverently back on the cabinet.

"Let's get your drunk ass tucked up into bed," he sighs.

I give him my best pout. "Can't I hang out with you?"

He sighs and shakes his head at me. For fuck's sake, I really am losing my touch. Maybe I'm getting old and losing my looks? Isn't that a depressing thought. I don't want to lose the only thing I have going for me.

"I'm going out," he says.

"Where?"

If he is going clubbing or to a party, I wanna come. I need all the distractions I can find. Now I've uncovered Ned's secrets, I'm going to go back to moping any second now. Dancing and music and sweaty bodies would be a perfect antidote. And I could see if I really have lost my allure or if it's just Ned that is immune to my charm.

The vampire fixes me with a level stare. "To feed."

Oh. My stomach swoops and the hairs on the back of my neck rise. Not a party at all. Something far darker. Far more dangerous. How intriguing.

"Are you going to kill someone? Do you need help burying the body?" I say, a little breathlessly.

Ned shakes his head wearily at me. "No and therefore, no."

I'm a little disappointed. Burying a body would definitely be distracting. It's not something I've ever done before. I'd probably throw up, but I'd be willing to try. I like helping my friends. I'm nice like that.

Wow. I really am very drunk, aren't I?

Ned's arm reaches out towards me. He is going to grab me, take me back to my room, and leave me all alone. All the things I don't want .

"You could feed from me!" I blurt.

His dark eyebrows nearly disappear into his hairline. I suppose it is a rather unexpected offer, but I mean every word of it. It would be nice to be useful. To have something someone wants. To be wanted, even if it is only for the contents of my veins.

"Blue wouldn't like it," Ned says.

"Fuck Blue!" I say with surprising force. "He is not my mate anymore. He doesn't want me so he doesn't get to say jack shit about anything! He is nothing to do with me anymore!"

Ned's dark eyes fill with sympathy. My face is wet. Fuck, I think I'm crying. He is never going to eat me now.

"Come on, let's get you to your bed," he says, confirming just how useless I am.

I'm so unwanted that not even a hungry vampire wants me.

"I taste bloody delicious!" I sob in outrage.

Ned takes my elbow and starts guiding me back to my room. My feet stumble after him. Traitors.

"You probably do," he agrees. "You smell good."

I turn my blurry eyes to him. A fragile hope beats in my chest. Did he just say what I thought he said? Is it true? Am I not so disgusting after all?

"You wanna eat me?" I ask out loud.

Please, please let someone want me. For any reason. I'd do absolutely anything for that. Anything at all. I just want one flipping person in the whole wide world to want me. Anyone. Please.

Ned sighs. "We aren't going to talk about this while you're drunk, Sammy."

And damn if that isn't just the nicest put down I've ever had. And that makes me cry even more.

Just like the pathetic, broken mess that I am.