33. Raul

33

RAUL

I took quick strides up the hills near Shandaken, in sight of Monica's house, repeating the pattern. I would glance at the dark, empty house. Howl. Repeat.

That was how I passed the bitter hours of the night and most of the following day. I allowed the beast to take charge. Sharing the emotion with him, one of the few emotions that could bring him to his knees. He knew heartache well, if not from his own experience. After all, this wasn't something he could feel more than once, but he had gotten a taste of it by learning about the deaths of our ancestors.

And he had seen it firsthand in the cases of our own forefathers. This ending was one of the few things that could make him feel fear. Dying in combat was easy. Quick and honorable. Succumbing to the curse of the wolf was none of those things.

In the fading daylight, I realized that I had a mountain to climb. The battle against the vampire clan was close. Too close and the pack was depending on me to lead them through it to victory.

It was hard to focus on that because another battle was raging within me. The fight against the notion of my own untimely death from a rejected, broken heart. What could I do to prevent it? How could I convince Monica that we belonged together?

The answer to both questions was identical. Not much.

In order to convince Monica of anything I'd have to find her first and that meant I had to track her down in a city of millions. Without her address, that was an endeavor that was doomed to fail. It's not like I could go knocking on people's doors at random. Which didn't even take into consideration that being in that filthy place wasn't my cup of tea. It'd be different if I knew where she was, I would tolerate its noise and its awful smells for her. The compromise would be worth it.

Forcing myself to focus on the more immediate threat, I turned away from her house with one last, long, mournful howl. I ran home. It was time to gather my family and my pack.

They were waiting for me in front of my cabin. Surprisingly Helena was there too. I didn't bother shifting back but the witch seemed to understand my look and yip.

"What, you thought I would leave you to face this alone, first born?" she asked, with an arched eyebrow and a wry smile. "I thought you knew me better than that."

I could not deny the gratitude I felt about having her on our side, that would go a long way toward balancing the odds. My brothers and Nora shifted forms and fell in on my flanks. Helena had her own means of travel and would meet us at the bar.

It felt good to run with my family. The falling night felt almost welcoming. Having them with me helped to ease my worries about Monica. I tried to keep my focus on the good, that at least she would be safer in the city than she would here. She was away from the immediate threat.

As we closed in on Joe's bar with my siblings at my sides, I saw the rest of my pack. Helena appeared at my side as I loped towards them. I didn't like the looks in my people's eyes, nor the feelings that filled the air. There was tension and fear. Instead of holding their heads high, they were either staring down at the ground or stealing glances at people around them.

As for speech? There was almost none. Other than the odd "hey" or "hello," no one seemed interested in discussing anything. Stopping inside the woods before the bar, the three of us shifted to human form and dressed, not out of a sense of modesty but to keep some propriety. Helena placed her hand on my shoulder.

"You three go ahead," she urged, gesturing Nora, Sam and Ray away. "I need a moment with your brother."

"What?" I muttered reluctantly as I turned to face her.

She stared into my eyes with a gaze of steel. The look made me feel judged and comforted at the same time, but I didn't have time for either. Reluctance became tinged with anger and a low growl slipped.

"I know about your breakup with Monica," she said, pitching her voice low while throwing quick glances around as if looking for invisible eavesdroppers. For all I knew, maybe there were some to worry about. What did I know of witchcraft or vampires for that matter? "I saw it in your future."

"You saw it, but you didn't think to warn me?" I ask, throwing my hands up exasperated. "For fuck's sake, Helena, maybe I could have done something if I'd known."

Her eyes flashed with anger of her own as her lips pursed, eyes narrowed and her brows knit together.

"I didn't warn you because I respected her free will. This was her choice."

"What about my will? You think I wanted this? That I want to feel this way? Did you consider the consequences?"

"Yes," she said, shaking her head. "I did."

"And you still decided to do nothing? You haven't hesitated to meddle so far, why stop now? What good is seeing the future if you do fuck all to prevent a god damn disaster?"

"Anything I said or did wouldn't have made any difference."

"Oh, did you see that too? Is that your excuse?"

She left no doubt that I'd exhausted her patience when her eyes locked onto mine and I saw a fiery anger in them that matched my own. She rose to her full height and though she was still shorter than me, she became a lot more imposing. The wolf whimpered but I ignored him.

"It is not an excuse ," she spat. "It is the truth. Free will, no matter what you wish first born, is important. Or would you prefer your mate to be an automaton manipulated into something that isn't real?"

Her words more than her anger caused me to take a step back, mentally and physically. I was left speechless, standing in front of the diminutive witch and wishing, with all my heart, that none of this was the way it was.

Because she was right. I couldn't control Monica and that's exactly what I was asking for. Humans were complicated. I'd learned that lesson, or so I thought, and yet here it was again. She was complicated. She had her own emotions, her baggage, and her own thoughts and decisions. This was hers and I had to respect it. No matter how bad it hurt and no matter the consequences.

"Right," I said, accepting the truth even though it caused a sensation in my chest like my heart was exploding and I wouldn't be surprised to learn that I was indeed having a heart attack. "Anything else? I've got a war to lead."

"Yes, there is," she said, somehow managing to intensify her glare. "You are the Alpha. Act like one."

A slap to the face would have gotten less reaction from me. The wolf surged. I growled, leaning in towards her, meeting her glare with rage. My hands balled into fists, and I was ready to fight.

"You dare," I said low and dangerous.

"I dare?" she scoffed. "You better dare, first born. Enough with the self-pity. All that will do is get you and your entire pack killed. You need to own your role. Now."

Once again, her words cut through the storming emotions, the rage in my head was faded, leaving only cold logic. The hard truth was that she's right. I'd been more worried about Monica and I than I had been in leading my pack. I had kind of thought that it would take care of itself, but where had that gotten me? Nowhere.

"Right," I nodded sharply.

There was nothing more to be said. The truth was the truth and I either had to accept it or I didn't deserve the mantle. I promised myself if I was ever Alpha, I would be better than Brad. I would take care of the pack first and foremost and I hadn't. I'd been too caught up in my own bullshit. That stopped now.

It was all crystal clear to me now. An Alpha was a leader, his pack's rock. The one who would inspire and guide them through life's highs and lows. That's what my father used to tell me. After Brad's eight-year rule, my people had forgotten that. And I was the one burdened with reminding them of this simple—yet vital—fact.

Helena seemed to read my thoughts because she nodded and made a small noise that I took for satisfaction.

"Good," she aid. "And there is one last thing. The identity of the actual Alpha vampire. His name is Dorian and he's about your height. He should be easy to spot because he bears a deep scar on his left cheek."

"Thank you," I said, meaning it.

Turning away from the witch, I gazed deeper into the forest, inhaling the rich scents. Home. This was our home and it was up to us to defend it. No matter the cost. No one could enter our territory without a fight.

I turned around and walked over to my sixty-two-strong pack. I had to put my heart aside for later. It was time to lead them to war.